Page 2 | Not his true love

WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:58

I don't think you know what a keyboard warrior is, but I would certainly not have the slightest issue with saying this to you face to face.

You were seriously hoping for advice on how to come to terms with having a life with someone who doesn't love you? What would you say to someone asking that? Do you think therapists provide help with submitting to a life of second best? Or do you think they would question your self esteem?

Unfortunately you didn't ask therapists, you asked a load of random people on the internet. Which unfortunately includes some that aren't people pleasers.

WunWun · 19/08/2023 10:01

I would take having no manners over sobbing and making a fool of myself after some idiot who doesn't love me any day.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/08/2023 10:23

Why do you think that you'd be alone and miserable if you split? You must have family, friends and work? Then you wouldn't be alone. Being one half of a partnership isn't obligatory either. You've no idea what life would be like single. And you're miserable now anyway.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 21/08/2023 01:38

Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 06:51

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth that post broke my heart as I could relate so much

@TheLadyofShalott1 did he admit this to you?

@MumGMT this was helpful. Maybe it's in my head but it's the never being 100% sure that's the killer.

Sorry @Biscuitz1 I have not been in a particularly good place for the last couple of days so I have only just seen your question.

Mu DH has always told me about these two particular women and how he wanted to marry them from a very short time into their going out. They were both the ones who ended their relationship with my DH - both by the 4 month mark! I went out with my DH for 2 years before he decided that we should finish, so he broke it off over the phone. 24 hours later he decided that he didn't want to finish with me, so basically if that meant I wanted us to get married then ok.

So we got married later that year. He would say now that we are a team and that of course he loves me, but I know that I was never hos first or even 2nd choice. I should have probably said no to him when he did eventually sort of ask me to marry him. I even had other "admirers", 2 of which looked like far better prospects on paper, but I didn't love them, I loved my now DH.

I can't give you any extra advice OP, but please try to remember your own self-worth, and to love yourself. I don't even like me.

HeddaGarbled · 21/08/2023 02:01

If you think about it logically, there’s no such thing as a ‘one true love’. Statistically, you’d never meet them. Of all the millions of people there are in the world, what are the chances that the ‘one true love’ would just happen to be local, rather than in Australia or wherever?

So, there are lots of possibilities for romantic partners, or we’d all be wandering about single apart from the odd lucky person whose ‘one true love’ just happened to be local.

But that pool of potential romantic partners is limited by many factors, one of which is your own attractiveness. If you’re a fairly ordinary sort of person, like most of us, you’re not going to pull some gorgeous partner that could have their pick.

So you settle. No one likes to admit this, but if you’re not gorgeous, you settle. You love the person you settle for. You are happy, it’s all fine, you know your place in the hierarchy.

That doesn’t mean you don’t lust after unattainable gorgeous people. We all do it. It’s perfectly normal and natural and doesn’t mean that you don’t love and aren’t happy with the person you picked to spend your life with.

FictionalCharacter · 21/08/2023 03:37

Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 09:29

Ok don't be so rude

He loves me ok

Just not the way I want

We have happy moments and I'd rather take that when be alone and miserable for the rest of my life

Do you honestly think that “happy moments” are enough?
Do you really believe that if you leave him, you are doomed to be “alone and miserable” for the rest of your life? Why? Is it completely impossible to think that you might meet someone else? Some people’s partners actually die and they find happiness with someone new.
All this is faulty thinking. As PPs have pointed out, you have low self esteem.
If anyone needs to move past anything, it’s him.

Zanatdy · 21/08/2023 04:41

My ex felt like this about our relationship as when he first asked me out I said no, that I was in love with someone else. Someone I knew it would never work out as the guy only ever watched something casual and he then met someone else and married her, which upset me a lot, but I loved 250 miles away for a fresh start as I’d finished Uni and needed a job. After I said I just wanted to be friends he went on a mission to get me to agree to a relationship, lost 5 stone and started to drink as he knew I liked a drink / night out at that point. He did everything he could and wouldn’t give up and eventually I did start to see him differently, but there was never fireworks etc. We had 2 children, I found he started to treat me badly and felt that it was like a revenge kind of thing. He eventually fell out with my eldest child who was 16 then, and that signalled the end of the relationship. He did it to get revenge as he knew that was the way he could hurt me the most, by picking on my child.

I should never have gone out with him, I was lonely because I didn’t know that many people in the place I’d moved to. There was wrong on both sides and two children who had to grow up across two homes as he decided he wanted to get revenge on me for something that happened before we got together (I briefly dated someone else when he was hoping we were about to get together). He wasn’t a horrible person, but this caused him to act completely out of character and I know he bitterly regrets his behaviour. He expected me to forgive him and get back together. It could never have happened. So don’t ever settle for someone you’re not passionate about.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 07:51

technically speaking we don’t know that the below is true
How do you get over the fact that everytime he kisses you, he wishes it was her he was kissing?
that whenever he is daydreaming he is thinking of her?..

however it’s got to the place that this is your truth and you have to live with this every day

and id say to spend 24/7 feeling second best is a horrific way to feel op

its sooo easy to advise and not so easy to do

but I’d say you need to consider taking a step back and thinking very very hard if this is what you want for the remainder of your days

what would happen if you asked for a trail seperation for this reason

would he sadly accept ?
or would he wake up and beg you to stay ?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 07:58

Zanatdy

i know what you mean
and it’s tragic how the seeds sown so early develop over the decades
i have my own version

however if I hadn’t met my ex my kids wouldn’t exist so I can’t totally say it’s a major mistake for that reason

Op doesn’t say if they have kids or not yet ?

Deut · 21/08/2023 08:06

Doesn’t this happen to lots of people in life though, particularly those who are divorced. One of that party doesn’t usually want to divorce so effectively their DH/DW was the love of their life? It’s unrealistic to think that everyone who is with someone is with the absolute love of their life. My DH probably isn’t to be honest due to the above. Lots of people settle (including many many women).

I think it is perhaps you projecting your own feelings rather knowing this 100%. Are
you still intimate and tactile? Does he still tell you he loves you?

People can have more than one love in their life and even if the current love is their first or even main love, does it matter as long as they love you, are intimate with you and meet your needs? This concept of “The One” and “Soul Mate” is a load of old guff.

PaintedEgg · 21/08/2023 08:08

this thread is...sad

@Biscuitz1 you're asking how to get over being second choice and your partner not even making an effort to hide it. If you think he "loves you ok" and you'd rather stay with him than be "alone and miserable" then this is exactly how you do it. Keep swallowing your pride, accepting he'd rather be with someone else and would drop you the second his ex suggested she may want him back.

There is literally nothing else you can do. Your only chance of improvement is if he ever matures enough to get over his ex - but that does not mean he will love you. He may fall for someone else.

jackstini · 21/08/2023 08:16

Sometimes the imaginings are not at all realistic though

He was only with them for a few months each. If it had been longer then highly likely he would have had fallouts and grumpy times - any perfect, in-love, dream relationship he would have with them is a fallacy and a fantasy

Is there anyone you wish you were with instead, but know deep down the reality would not be as good?

Life isn't the perfect dream; but you have to be happy and feel good about yourself. Only you can decide if what you have is good enough - but it may help to remind yourself that they dumped him - they were not dream relationships!

booboo24 · 21/08/2023 08:34

I'm sorry but I agree completely with @WunWun I don't think the post is dressed up but sometimes being given advice straight is the best way. You are creating a lifetime of further misery, there are no silver linings here, we can all have nice moments even with people we don't like, it's possible. You're hanging on to your idolised version of your marriage, but it is not real. None of it.

I know you're sad, I can feel it as I read your posts and I'm so sorry, but are you seriously wanting a lifetime of this? You are just going to suffer more and more. What if he eventually meets someone who IS the one? You're both going to struggle On forever like this if you don't take control of a very sad situation

Kibris · 21/08/2023 09:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

2chocolateoranges · 21/08/2023 09:14

you say he has never admitted it and by the sound of your posts your self esteem is in the gutter.

could you just be paranoid?

TotalOverhaul · 21/08/2023 09:21

I'd despise a man who behaved like that. Pathetic, immature emotional leech. And i'd want to know why on earth I 'loved him so much'. Why love someone who treats you badly? What's that about?

I'd get out of that marriage. No good for anyone concerned.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 21/08/2023 09:23

@WunWun plenty of posters have offered pretty much the same insight and advice as you without being aggressive and attacking the OP.

I agree with your sentiments, but not your delivery! Do you think berating someone for low self esteem is helpful constructive? Is your shooting from the hip delivery really about helping the OP or your own ego in showing off how superior you are and how you would never put up with this? I think you might want to consider whether your own self esteem is quite as robust as you're so desperate to prove by tearing into someone's who is evidently not!

WunWun · 21/08/2023 09:45

Oh do fuck off.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 21/08/2023 09:52

Oh do fuck off.

Yep, I can tell you're a really charming, well adjusted, happy person!

Have a lovely day, sneering at other people. Bound to bring you endless joy.

baileys6904 · 21/08/2023 09:56

WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:23

You don't leave him because you love him so much and you know you'll never find anyone else like him?

Honestly, people post so much drivel on here. It really makes me despair. You'll give up your life for someone who doesn't and won't ever love you? Get a fucking grip. Your self esteem is in the gutter.

Show quote history

And if the OP does have issues with her self esteem, how exactly will talking to her like shit help???

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 10:01

WunWun

i also wince at the tough love posts

i make no assessment of anyones self esteem !

but when’s someone is clearly very fragile it’s the online version of watching someone put vinegar in a wound 🤒

Bit the main issue is that people tend to react to the unkind posts more and then leave thread

so it’s also really ineffective as people just leave thread and are too scared to post again

Original poster

Biscuitz1 · 21/08/2023 17:05

Thank you all for your kind words and replies.
Most of them have been helpful and insightful.
Also thank you to those who challenged hateful posts.
At one point I did think about leaving him but I'm just not brave enough.
I will try to focus on the good points and the happy aspects of our marriage and pray that he gets over her an doesn't fall in love with anyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

Biscuitz1 · 21/08/2023 17:06

TheLadyofShalott1 · 21/08/2023 01:38

Sorry @Biscuitz1 I have not been in a particularly good place for the last couple of days so I have only just seen your question.

Mu DH has always told me about these two particular women and how he wanted to marry them from a very short time into their going out. They were both the ones who ended their relationship with my DH - both by the 4 month mark! I went out with my DH for 2 years before he decided that we should finish, so he broke it off over the phone. 24 hours later he decided that he didn't want to finish with me, so basically if that meant I wanted us to get married then ok.

So we got married later that year. He would say now that we are a team and that of course he loves me, but I know that I was never hos first or even 2nd choice. I should have probably said no to him when he did eventually sort of ask me to marry him. I even had other "admirers", 2 of which looked like far better prospects on paper, but I didn't love them, I loved my now DH.

I can't give you any extra advice OP, but please try to remember your own self-worth, and to love yourself. I don't even like me.

Show quote history

I'm sorry to hear that.
I hope it all works out for you

OP posts:

GolgafrinchamB · 21/08/2023 17:19

I don't know whether you're paranoid or it's a lack of self-esteem. Either way, your mental state isn't being kind to you.

You can't know what is in his head. He might never even think of her anymore. A nostalgic look at someone he loved when he was young doesn't have to mean he wishes he were with her now.

There aren't One True Loves in most people's lives, it's a romantic myth that does so much damage. Have you listened to Tim Minchin's "If I Didn't Have You"?

"You're not special. Well, you're special, but you fall within a bell curve..." - There's not destiny or soul mate ordained by the universe, it's just people making the best of the lives they're in, and making connections and relationships as best they can. We can love people at different stages in our lives, and that doesn't diminish those before or after.

If you truly are his consolation prize, leave. You deserve to be the lead in your life story, not a bit part.