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Original poster

Coming to terms with being single for a long time

46 replies

BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 22:23

My ex left 6 years ago. For the first 5 years this was fine I was just busy raising the kids and had no intentions of meeting anyone but 6 years later I’m now at the point where I really do miss having someone around that cares about me, I’ve only started feeling like this within the last year. Due to my ex not taking the children I’ve been unable to date or meet anyone else he left when I was pregnant so it’s a long way off till I get any freedom back. How do you make peace with having to be single until your kids have grown up? How do you deal with the loneliness as it obviously wasn’t a choice for me. I’m probably looking at another 6 years or so before I can realistically date again but which time I’m worried it will be much harder. Anyone been through this and how did you come to terms with it?

OP posts:
GarlicGrace · 18/08/2023 22:25

Short answer: be your own best friend, lover, nurturer and admirer.

BCBird · 18/08/2023 22:38

I don't think it is necessary to set a time years away before you can start looking for romance. Have you got anyone who can help with childcare in case u want to join a club or go on a date?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 22:45

BCBird · 18/08/2023 22:38

I don't think it is necessary to set a time years away before you can start looking for romance. Have you got anyone who can help with childcare in case u want to join a club or go on a date?

No I don’t which is why I set the time as it will be when my youngest is grown up a bit but realistically it will be a bit longer maybe 10 more years for her to be 16.

OP posts:
AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/08/2023 23:01

I've been widowed 8 years now and I'm so lonely it hurts... I'm now a lone parent and at 38, I honestly wish I was dead. I've had enough. The loneliness is horrendous

Roselee1 · 18/08/2023 23:03

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thatwassociopathic · 18/08/2023 23:14

Does their dad not see them at all?

MintJulia · 18/08/2023 23:14

I've been on my own since ds was 3. He's just turned 15 and I've started to think about looking for someone for me. I think I've done ok but it hasn't been easy. DS is old enough to be left for the occasional evening or lunch, and he goes away with the school fairly regularly so I'm just starting to build my social life back up.

But it's still pretty daunting.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 23:17

AlfietheSchnauzer · 18/08/2023 23:01

I've been widowed 8 years now and I'm so lonely it hurts... I'm now a lone parent and at 38, I honestly wish I was dead. I've had enough. The loneliness is horrendous

im really sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine how difficult that would be Flowers being a lone parent is completely isolating

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 23:18

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

That’s what I thought, by the time I can date I will be in my 40s and I think it will be even harder to meet anyone (decent)

OP posts:
something2say · 18/08/2023 23:23

Hello - this is the middle state though, isn't it. By that I mean, we are not in happy relationships, but we are also not in awful ones, or ones where we think he doesn't love us or we are being mistreated and having to think about splitting and selling. We are sorted and settled, if lonely at night. The only way is up right?

Original poster
BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 23:33

thatwassociopathic · 18/08/2023 23:14

Does their dad not see them at all?

No he doesn’t

OP posts:
Original poster
BananaSlug · 18/08/2023 23:34

MintJulia · 18/08/2023 23:14

I've been on my own since ds was 3. He's just turned 15 and I've started to think about looking for someone for me. I think I've done ok but it hasn't been easy. DS is old enough to be left for the occasional evening or lunch, and he goes away with the school fairly regularly so I'm just starting to build my social life back up.

But it's still pretty daunting.

This is how I imagine it will be for me. My youngest will be a teen before I’m able to have any sort of life for myself.

OP posts:
BreakfastGold · 18/08/2023 23:37

I've been widowed since my dc was 2. No family support or childcare, it's all on me. She's about to start school and I'm seriously considering dating although it won't be easy - I have a day off during the week but no evenings unless I pay a babysitter.

But I'm still going to give it a go, I am perfectly independent but for me life is just better when you have someone to share it with. I miss being in a happy relationship and while I'd take it very slowly with my dc, being single for the next 14 years (by which time I'd be into my 50s) is not for me, if I can help it.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 19/08/2023 00:54

That’s exactly how I feel. Life is definitely better having someone to share it with. I’m tired of people telling me to be happy on my own or I don’t love myself if I am not happy being single, I’m fine being single but I do miss having someone around. Trying to date whilst they are at school just isn’t workable for me though, I can’t imagine many men being happy with me only having 9-3 available and won’t be introducing them to anyone for a long time so it just isn’t workable for me 😣

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 19/08/2023 01:02

My husband left me when our son was 2. He chose to abandon him. I've been single for a decade. Initially I found it really hard. I did have a FWB for a long time and that suited me. He was kept completely separate from my life and my child. At 54, I've accepted that this is my lot. My son has grown and is now 12 but he's autistic and I have zero opportunity to date and I don't ever want to live with somebody again. I have a very full life and that will keep me going. I think the hurt my ex caused has done so much damage I'm afraid to ever try again.

I don't think you have to wait if you don't want to but I do think you have to be extremely cautious when you have children. Your time will come and there is no harm putting the feelers out as it were.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 19/08/2023 01:23

sorry not sure I was clear I’m with my children 24/7 so dating simply is not an option

OP posts:
Mintychocolatetreats · 19/08/2023 01:43

I’m in the same boat OP and I don’t think you do make peace with it. I can’t date due to similar circumstances eg, ex has nearly no contact with kids, no alternative childcare, I work full time, ex damaged me and I’m extremely cautious now.

A lot of the time I’m okay with being single (especially when I see others who’ve clearly settled instead of being single) but there are times it feels like I’ll never have a relationship again. I’ve tried dating and met a few lovely guys in fairness but they all wanted more than I could offer.

I’m not willing to quickly introduce my young children to a new man. I’m early 40s and I miss sex and adult companionship. I also worry that by the time my kids are older, I’ll have gone through the menopause and have no interest in sex. People on here try to offer you solutions eg, babysitters, sex buddies etc, but none of these things have worked for me. Sorry, that’s maybe not the words of hope you’re looking for.

Fourcandleforkhandle · 19/08/2023 02:03

OP I'm in the exact same situation as you. Husband walked out on me and 5 Children 6 years ago. He has not made any contact . At the beginning I was busy bringing my kids up and never felt lonely as I do now. The Children (13-20 yrs old) still need me but in a different kind of way.
Honestly somedays it makes me so sad that this how I have to live like as I can't trust another Man ever again. And also who would want a 40 something with 5 Children :(

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/08/2023 09:25

BananaSlug · 19/08/2023 01:23

sorry not sure I was clear I’m with my children 24/7 so dating simply is not an option

I hear you, I'm in a similar situation. It's really difficult. I do have a couple of friends who will happily sit with my son but I can't ask that regularly and I couldn't have anybody overnight so just don't bother with it. I've just accepted it now. It probably helps that I don't actually like men very much.

something2say · 19/08/2023 09:45

@Mintychocolatetreats - you don't necessarily lose your sex drive in peri and meno - I'm going through it and mine is sky high all of a sudden.

BreakfastGold · 19/08/2023 09:46

@BananaSlug I don't know what sort of men are available to date 9-3 weekdays, I guess I'm going to find out but my expectations are realistic :(

JibbaJab · 19/08/2023 09:53

Feel for you, no improvements with support from dad then I guess?

All these dads not wanting to be involved does my head in, I'm dying to see mine and they just throw it away like it's nothing.

Get where you're coming from, you don't have the time or break to do it. Although, if I was to be interested in someone with children in a situation like yours it wouldn't bother me and would understand, I wouldn't expect normal dating.

Problem I guess is a lot don't think like that and you'd have to see each other around the children and bring them into their lives. Is that your concern too or just that you don't think men would be interested all together?

Routine for some may not necessarily be an issue like self employed for example I can work whenever but dunno how rare that is.

Bowbowbo · 19/08/2023 10:21

I wasn’t in your exact position OP as my XH and I stayed ‘together’ for the children, but I was lonely and celibate for 10 years (he worked away most of the time) and then, when I was 54, I divorced him and went on to meet a man who adores me, backs me in every way, fills my life with love. He was worth the wait. Honestly, age does not write you off.

Original poster
BananaSlug · 19/08/2023 12:12

No it’s that I don’t get any days, weekends, or night to myself. The single mums I know of date when their children are at their fathers, as I don’t get that I have to accept that dating just isn’t possible till they’ve grown up.

With regards to the age thing I keep seeing threads about how hard it has dating after a certain age, there was one recently although I didn’t read it as I’m still quite a lot younger but it was “dating in your 50s what’s the point” something along those lines! And I’ve heard dating in your 40s is also much harder as most older men want younger women and not ones their own age (apparently!)

It’s good to hear from others in the same situation though as I often feel alone in it, I do miss adult company and intimacy.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 19/08/2023 12:20

I’m in my 50’s and been single nearly 4 years . I’ll be honest I absolutely love it. I love my own space, the peace and quiet, being able to do what I want when I want.

Don’t get me wrong, if I met someone who I connected with then that would be ideal however I can’t imagine ever living with a man again.