Coming to terms with being single for a long time

[BananaSlug]

My ex left 6 years ago. For the first 5 years this was fine I was just busy raising the kids and had no intentions of meeting anyone but 6 years later I’m now at the point where I really do miss having someone around that cares about me, I’ve only started feeling like this within the last year. Due to my ex not taking the children I’ve been unable to date or meet anyone else he left when I was pregnant so it’s a long way off till I get any freedom back. How do you make peace with having to be single until your kids have grown up? How do you deal with the loneliness as it obviously wasn’t a choice for me. I’m probably looking at another 6 years or so before I can realistically date again but which time I’m worried it will be much harder. Anyone been through this and how did you come to terms with it?

Yes I loved it at first I was too busy raising my children to even contemplate meeting someone but things changed and I’m in my 30s so don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone from age 30.

Wut? …I know this is well intentioned but sounds like something off Pinterest

I was left a single parent in my 20s. when my DC went to school I dated during the day, I worked PT so had a couple of days free during school time. When I felt I knew someone well enough I allowed them to come to mine once DC were fast asleep in bed. I did end up meeting someone who I later married ( although we're separated now )

This is true. Don't assume you'll lose the urge. My sex drive is as perky as it ever was. Just unfulfilled at the moment.

My issue is that I can’t see myself trusting a man again. Everything seems an exploitative one way street. I know it’s not all men but the good ones are few and far between.

Sorry that things are tough for you, OP.

One thing I can hopefully reassure you of - I found myself single in my mid 40s and had no problems at all meeting men, many of them perfectly nice and also attractive! And I have quite a few female friends same age or even older in the same boat, and again it not been difficult. Most of them have met people through internet dating, one met someone through her work, one through the gym..... Most of us are moms and have dated mainly single dads, tho actually my now husband is child free by choice, yet gets on well with my daughter......

As your children get older they will have playdates and sleep overs, maybe do some evening clubs - it WILL be possible to date if you want to, as long as your dating partners are happy to be flexible. You may also make friends with parents who are happy to babysit for you sometimes if you return the favour....

I'm obviously not saying it will be easy, and I am very sorry you find yourself in this difficult position. But don't give up hope - it's amazing how different things look as your kids start to get older.....

Also (and I may get flamed for this) - there are VERY strict beliefs prevalent on here, in my opinion, about how soon it's ok to introduce kids to new partners - and I almost feel there is an element of misogyny/slut shaming to some of it (not from all people who say it of course, but from some). The idea that a woman, once she becomes a mother, must be willing to sacrifice every aspect of her own happiness and well-being, especially if that happiness and well-being relate to her sex and romantic drive, to her children's needs......

If you are having a different bloke move in every week and forcing your child to call him daddy, of course that's wrong. If you let your children know in an age appropriate way that you are dating, and what that means, and take your kids out to dinner with a guy and his kids, say, after you have known him a couple of months, then he comes round after your kids have gone to bed once a week and you have a glass of wine and watch a movie......

THAT'S NOT GOING TO HURT THEM!

(I was dating my now husband for a year before my daughter met him. Looking back, that was a bonkers timescale - she knew what dating was and knew he existed - she is perfectly sane and was unlikely to start believing him to be her new father - I honestly don't know what I was thinking......)

My DC are adults now so I don't have to worry about that, although don't want to meet anyone now anyway!

I just really struggle to understand the big deal over introducing someone to the DC. All these people who say oh no I wouldn't do that, or you need to wait 2 years or something! Don't you have other friends you ever spend time with, with your DC? Why can't you just introduce a guy as a friend? Why does it have to be some big thing? I think it's good to see whether any potential partner can get on with the DC before you take things too far romantically. And if things get more serious later on, well plenty of couples start out as friends first. The longer you wait the more of a big thing it becomes and then there's pressure on all parties for it to go well. Then you're the one in a shit situation if it doesn't. So yeah, while I can see why people take that point of view, I don't agree with it.

The most successful step families I know are the ones who got together when DC were young. The teen/young adult years are too much an area for conflict. So for the most part I think it's either find someone when they're young or wait until they've flown the nest.

Nurture your female friendships, they will be around longer than any man 😌

💐I hope things get better for you.

There will be men who can meet on weekdays- many men work shifts and are free then. Do you work? I was a lone parent to eldest DS and met a couple of blokes through work which helped because I already knew them & knew they were safe to invite home when DC were in bed.

Because you only have to read the hundreds of threads on here posted by women who have rushed into relationships, rushed moving in, rushed into introducing children only to find that after the initial love bombing stage, the bloke is an abusive arsehole who resents the kids. Then are the a penny here.

Indeed when my ex left, his own solicitor advised a minimum of a year before involving our son with OW. Good job really because when she started abusing him, he was old enough to speak out. So that's why.

*they are ten a penny here. Phone went wild 🙄

Well, that's not always true, is it?

In my experience it is. I’ve learnt how to spot the good ones.

"In my experience it is. I’ve learnt how to spot the good ones."

I guarantee you you will lose some friendships throughout your life. People move away or just move on in life...

I don’t want to introduce my kids to men straight away that’s just a personal opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ And some men Deliberately target single mums so it’s not really the same as a new friend.

Just to add though I wouldn’t wait 2 years though but minimum of 6 months at least just so I feel like it’s going somewhere as I don’t want to introduce them to every man I meet.

Yeah, of course! That's just life, what I meant was if you are lonely and for whatever reason don't want to enter a new relationship with a man just now (as the OP has outlined in her posts) then putting effort into female friendship is rewarding. Although women should do this anyway, not just because they don't have a man around.

" if you are lonely and for whatever reason don't want to enter a new relationship with a man just now (as the OP has outlined in her posts) then putting effort into female friendship is rewarding. Although women should do this anyway, not just because they don't have a man around."

Well the above is obviously true. However, OP seems to be saying she CAN'T meet a man rather than not wanting to.
And then you argued that female friendships will outlast any man, which is obviously not true.

I’ve gone through this, and now that DD is nearly 10 (and I am heading rapidly towards 50), I have accepted that being single is my life now. It was hard accepting it, and it still makes me sad sometimes, but it’s not going to change. I tried to try dating, but got nowhere as no one wanted to date me! OLD, introductions by friends etc., it was basically a man-free wasteland out there for me. I’m not conventionally attractive, plus I’m semi-disabled these days, and wasn’t attractive to most men even when younger, unencumbered, and healthy. If you are healthy, fit, and attractive, it’s a different story. I have several female acquaintances who are single mothers and have active romantic lives. The issue then is ensuring you have the time to go on dates if that is what you want to do, either by paying for childcare, or exchanging reciprocal care with another parent. It needn’t even be so you can go out, it could just be to give yourself an afternoon off to focus on yourself for once.

Until you're dead you can't know how long your friendships will last.

Friendships come and go.