A message from my dad really triggered me and I don't know if I'm overreacting.

[beja959]

I posted a picture on my Facebook story. The day I took the picture I was feeling in well. I have been going to the church a lot and I am meeting a cool group of accepting people. I had been lonely for a long time. I am also improving in different areas. Also that day I saw two old friends in a bar, they called me and we had a drink and conversation. So we took a picture and I posted it. This was the message my dad sent(we live in 2 different countries now):

Dad: "Who is that guy? Is it Sam? Where are you guys?"

Me: "No, It is David. We are at the Comet."

Dad: "Ah ok, when did you guys took that picture?"

Me:"It was yesterday."

Dad: "Ah ok, you appear young. With a young and cheerful face. I like it."

Me: "Ok thanks."

Dad: "Stay young and always cheerful. Positive is the best for life. kisses"

I got very bothered by this message. Moreover, it has been 2 weeks and a half since that message. It is still weighing on me.

1. Why he is going to flip it around and make it seem like he is giving me a recommendation to be positive? I posted a picture where I am happy, so why give me a recommendation? It is like he is above me telling me what I should do.
2. He said "Stay young, and stay cheerful. Positive is the best for life". Is that a critic or an order? It is as if I was willingly avoiding being positive before like it was a choice. I had many traumas; I had many abusers, no self-esteem.... I needed lots of help to start feeling better. It was not just like click a finger and be positive, that is it.
3. I remember a while back I was living with him. I was in a phase I was going through a lot! He used to say things like "You have no problems, you are fine, just be positive. You just need to stop being negative". However, he never asks me about my life or how am I doing. He just wanted to tell me about what to do based on his point of view ignoring how I felt, without even trying to know what was going on in my life.
4. Why is he making a big deal of me looking happy! Why does he have to point it out? That makes me self-conscious now and not natural about it. I feel self-conscious about posting pics because I feel like he is there ready to rate me my appearance and if I am being positive or looking young.
5. Once, when I was in a very difficult phase and depressed, he commented on my looks, like "Look how you look so done, you have no longer a salvation from that etc etc"... So now he is telling me I am looking great and just be positive, it doesn’t sound good to me anymore. It triggers me.
6. Im 32 years old. He says it as if I am not supposed to be young and cheerful. Maybe because I have been depressed for a long time. However, he could say something like: "I am proud of the work you are doing, I can sense you are feeling better by this picture. I see you are reaching your achievements. Good work" That would feel better.
7. He has no conversation with me. The only way he talks to me is by giving me recommendations, suggestions, telling me what I should do, criticizing my choices. He never says good job, or simply has a conversation for the sake of a conversation, it is always that. Recommendation and suggestion, and advice is a form of criticizing too right? He is saying I am not enough to guide my life or make my mistakes and find my path, it is like he wants to be on top of me always telling me what to do and then he gets overwhelmed and criticizes me.
8. He used to hurt me a lot with the way he talked to me and when I tried explaining to him that he is hurting me he would just simply say things like : I am too sensible, that he loves me so I am wrong, that he dont understand me because he treats me like a bestfriend, that I am behaving like my aunt which is super depressed, that I am misinterpreting him, that he do it out of love that I don’t get it. He never questioned himself, or said sorry. He always made me seem crazy for getting hurt for the way he used to relate to me and never wanted to change his way. It got to the point that I said I was loosing my time trying to explain him to respect me in 1000 different ways. I rather shut down conversation with him to zero than ever try to explain to him again. I lost to many time and moments arguing with him trying to get him to understand that he was hurting me.
9. I also kind of feel like he is trying to say "I told you so, just be positive, like I had told you long time ago." Why would he do that?
10. Also, he used to discourage me when I had a plan or goal and told him about it. He would say it wouldn't work, he said there was no way. Even when I still followed my plans and managed to win, he didn't even apologize, he didn't even recognize it and congratulate me. He would just keep doing the same thing.
11. He is probably just a failure, so he wants my life to be a failure too. He feels envy of me.
12. What is he talking about positive is the best for life? Is he positive? He is such a complainer and he is so negative all the time. He gets extremely nervous with anything. So he is talking about stuff that he doesn't know.

This has triggered me a really bad mood.

What do you think about it, since I am too involved I cant think clear.

Thank you

At face value it seems to me like you’re reading too much into that message exchange.

I interpreted it as him saying, you look happy, stay that way/keep doing what you’re doing. I would have read it as message of encouragement personally.

However you’ve clearly got a complicated history with him which makes it difficult to know his true intentions.

12 points from one message. You’re way over thinking this.

I understand from OP’s post that there are some long-standing issues that the message illustrates and that is why it has disproportionately bothered her.

It’s not just about the text message

Oh for God sake! What are you doing?? Why do you have the time, energy and self importance to give your mind to this? You shouldn't have. Make yourself give your energy to something more useful.

And your dad didn't 'trigger' you. He annoyed you. Such is life.

On the face of it, it sounds like you are massively reading into an innocent conversation.

From your points it's clear there is some backstory, but even in those nothing that explain this level of analysis, suspicion and duration of bad mood.

Only you will know if your dad is the type to have hidden meanings meant to undermine you laced into complements and comments.

What I would say is that given how you have dwelled on this it would be a good idea to get some external support, like a therapist, to chat through this and some of the other themes you mention in your post.

D "Ah ok, you appear young. With a young and cheerful face. I like it."

Me: "Ok thanks."

D: "Stay young and always cheerful. Positive is the best for life. kisses"

Well in fairness I can see why those comments are annoying.

I would actually also find it quite weird if my own dad said any of those things to me.

you appear young. With a young and cheerful face. I like it

I think it’s the passing judgement here, even though on the face of it it’s positive. Who wants to hear their parents praise them for looking young?!

I think there is also implicit judgement about not looking/being cheerful, given the back story.

I can understand your points OP. You know your Dad so you will have a better sense of where he’s coming from.

I’m assuming the OP is analysing why it’s bothered her ex post facto rather than becoming bothered by it as a result of analysing it. OP’s trying to work out what the issue really is.

It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with him.

Maybe you'd be better off limiting what he can see on your social media and being careful about what you share with him if he always manages to be negative or undermining.

Maybe it would be worth talking things over with a counsellor to find strategies to deal with him or examine the past.

Jeez.

If you have a complicated and difficult history with your Dad then his seemingly positive comments hold some kind of meaning to you that you find upsetting.
To me it sounds like an over reaction but to you there's an agenda.
I agree with the previous poster that limiting his access to your social media is probably best. And yes to counselling too as there are clearly some unresolved issues with your Dad that you need to process and deal with.

Yes. Definitely put a stop to him seeing your social media. Lots of people don't add their parents. Its quite common.
Then you can live your life without worrying what Judgey Mc Judge face thinks of things.
If his opinion is not wanted and it def sounds like it isn't you can quietly remove his viewing permission.

Clearly his comments have triggered you, and its a shame that a nice evening out and an innocent picture of you enjoying yourself have caused that.
You have a lot of issues with your dad but you need to talk to someone in real life and try to work out a way of sorting otu your feelings.

You are allowed to feel how you feel. But it probably is unhealthy to read that much into throw away comments that he probably put very little thought into, just tried to compliment you. However, if you feel that this reveals a crap attitude to you, and you know him well, then you are probably right.

What is positive anyway? Not defined, its meaningless.
You sound like you are already living a good life and don't need patronising affirmations.
So carry on as you are, focus on things that interest you and plan nice things to do and don't worry about other people's expectations or approval.
Its your own approval that you need.
I hope you feel better about this soon and hopefully this thread has got it out of your system. Try to distract your self this weekend and not to over think this, if you can, but if you can't then find someone professional to talk over ways of dealing with it. and don't let this episode derail you x

I would be worried my parent didn't recognise me, does he have dementia? That would be my first thought

Yes definitely a lot of unresolved traumas with him. I am just limiting conversation with him in every way, but that message just made me remember so much. And it made spiral in a bad mood and get to all the unresolved trauma. So in a sense it is probably a good thing because I am talking about it now since they are still unresolved. Yes for now I have blocked him, it was the best I could think of for now.

My take on it is....your dad saw a photo of you out and about with friends looking happy. He was pleased to see this and told you so in a roundabout way and is encouraging you to continue .

Asking with kindness....do you have a tendency to overthink things? Your critique on your dad sounds rather over zealous. Sounds like he wants you to be happy but has perhaps said it rather clumsily. He's a human being.

Is English your dad's first language?

There is clearly backstory, but if I read that I would interpret it as him being happy to see you looking so happy and full of life. The 'young' adjective could suggest carefree and untroubled, in the same way that when people look older than their years people assume they've endured hard times that have taken a toll.

Sounds to me that he was pleased to see you looking happy in the picture.

You seem to be massively overthinking this.

@NameChange2589 Thanks, it is helpful to think about it like that. As an encouragement.

What I read from your post is that your dad was/is an emotionally neglectful parent. Negative emotions make him feel uncomfortable so he says/does what is needed to make them invisible to him, without really caring about the other person. He has spent your life invalidating your emotions for the sake of his own comfort.

You are distressed by his transparent attempt to give you a reward / praise you for looking happy in a photo, when you know the real regard for your actual wellbeing isn't there. It's like "well done for looking happy, that's how I like it, keep that up". He even used the words "I like it".

I think people who don't have parents like this just don't get it. I don't think you're overreacting I suspect you're underreacting. He's over involved in your life, in your feelings about yourself. You should distance yourself from him, at least emotionally.

I would suggest reading about emotionally immature parents, emotionally invalidating parents, parentification etc to improve your understanding. You don't have to vilify him, he probably has his reasons for being this way. But you don't have to pretend to have a good relationship with him when you dont. Consider therapy if you can access it. Unfriend your dad on Facebook so he isn't watching over you. When he sends you something invalidating or that reminds you of your childhood training to never rely on him for emotional support, stone wall him.

@Optionyougot Yes I do agree that I have a high level of suspicion. The message at first it bothered me, but I just told him thanks. Not only like two days after that it started really giving me many negative emotions. I am guessing the level of suspision comes from the past events that are unresolved, and also so many other disapointments in relationship. I have always had very weak boundaries, and been stepped on so much, so I am trying to be very careful now.... It is just that I am so mad he still has the power to make me feel so awful me being so far away and things going so well... anyways...

Well, I agree, it's a strange request ''stay young''. And an impossible request!

He could have just said ''love this photo''. This comment would annoy me from my mother because she has history of wrinkling her nose up at my face. She saw me without make up and told me that I looked like ''Death warmed up'' - i didn't feel unwell, tired, sick, unhealthy. I have clear skin, dark brows and eyelashes, so I'm lucky I don't desperately need make up. Clearly it benefits my appearance though. It's just so weird, like, they can't cope with their children ageing.

This is really astute and insightful.

This is something similar to what I was sensing from OP’s post but couldn’t quite articulate / put my finger on it.

Well expressed

@Plinkyplonkyplod such a good post. I'm not the OP obviously but your post really rings true for me, that is why my mother's comments on my appearance grate. I was only ever the part she wrote. The character she wrote was always cheerful and never aged past 45 and she looks at me now like I had the nerve to ad lib
There was also a lot of toxic positivity. You had to accept the narrative my mother put forward and you had to do it with a smile.
She used to run her gimlet eye over me and look approving, although she'd never verbalise that. Now, although I'm in fairly decent nick and can't complain with how I've aged I feel that she sees me through a very unforgiving lens which suggests a lack of unconditional affection/respect. When I look at my same age friends I see their faces and still love their faces ykwim, but she just looks at me and thinks ''eugh, old now''.

@ehupo7 Thank you. Yes you are right, I am trying to understand why it bothered me so much, and I guess it has so many different angles to it, it triggered different past events i am guessing because I am having a hard time knowing what it actually is.

Also yes! It is like he sees me happy and he is saying "I wasn't expecting you to be happy Im surprised, keep the positivity". It bothers me cause he doesnt know the amount of work I am doing, and he just says just be positive. It is kind of insensitive, for all I have been through. Also it reminds of the time I was innundated in problems and he just told me, "Just be positive!". Anyways thanks again

It's so harmful when a parent teaches you to shut down your negative emotions for their comfort. When they blame and criticise you for having negative emotions, which all of us have and should express at times. It is usually accompanied by other forms of unrealistic perfectionist expectation and relentless criticism.

This pattern from early childhood teaches you that you are worthless, defective and don't deserve the support and regard of others. That your true, whole self is disgusting and something to be concealed. It is a form of abuse though many people who haven't experienced it will never get it the way that's it's easy to recognise that physical violence is abuse.

In this context, praise for appearing happy isn't the complement it might seem to be, it's just a searing reminder that you are merely a vessel for their narcissism. I could be projecting but if this is what resonates with the OP then I completely understand why you are triggered.