A message from my dad really triggered me and I don't know if I'm overreacting.

[beja959]

I posted a picture on my Facebook story. The day I took the picture I was feeling in well. I have been going to the church a lot and I am meeting a cool group of accepting people. I had been lonely for a long time. I am also improving in different areas. Also that day I saw two old friends in a bar, they called me and we had a drink and conversation. So we took a picture and I posted it. This was the message my dad sent(we live in 2 different countries now):

Dad: "Who is that guy? Is it Sam? Where are you guys?"

Me: "No, It is David. We are at the Comet."

Dad: "Ah ok, when did you guys took that picture?"

Me:"It was yesterday."

Dad: "Ah ok, you appear young. With a young and cheerful face. I like it."

Me: "Ok thanks."

Dad: "Stay young and always cheerful. Positive is the best for life. kisses"

I got very bothered by this message. Moreover, it has been 2 weeks and a half since that message. It is still weighing on me.

1. Why he is going to flip it around and make it seem like he is giving me a recommendation to be positive? I posted a picture where I am happy, so why give me a recommendation? It is like he is above me telling me what I should do.
2. He said "Stay young, and stay cheerful. Positive is the best for life". Is that a critic or an order? It is as if I was willingly avoiding being positive before like it was a choice. I had many traumas; I had many abusers, no self-esteem.... I needed lots of help to start feeling better. It was not just like click a finger and be positive, that is it.
3. I remember a while back I was living with him. I was in a phase I was going through a lot! He used to say things like "You have no problems, you are fine, just be positive. You just need to stop being negative". However, he never asks me about my life or how am I doing. He just wanted to tell me about what to do based on his point of view ignoring how I felt, without even trying to know what was going on in my life.
4. Why is he making a big deal of me looking happy! Why does he have to point it out? That makes me self-conscious now and not natural about it. I feel self-conscious about posting pics because I feel like he is there ready to rate me my appearance and if I am being positive or looking young.
5. Once, when I was in a very difficult phase and depressed, he commented on my looks, like "Look how you look so done, you have no longer a salvation from that etc etc"... So now he is telling me I am looking great and just be positive, it doesn’t sound good to me anymore. It triggers me.
6. Im 32 years old. He says it as if I am not supposed to be young and cheerful. Maybe because I have been depressed for a long time. However, he could say something like: "I am proud of the work you are doing, I can sense you are feeling better by this picture. I see you are reaching your achievements. Good work" That would feel better.
7. He has no conversation with me. The only way he talks to me is by giving me recommendations, suggestions, telling me what I should do, criticizing my choices. He never says good job, or simply has a conversation for the sake of a conversation, it is always that. Recommendation and suggestion, and advice is a form of criticizing too right? He is saying I am not enough to guide my life or make my mistakes and find my path, it is like he wants to be on top of me always telling me what to do and then he gets overwhelmed and criticizes me.
8. He used to hurt me a lot with the way he talked to me and when I tried explaining to him that he is hurting me he would just simply say things like : I am too sensible, that he loves me so I am wrong, that he dont understand me because he treats me like a bestfriend, that I am behaving like my aunt which is super depressed, that I am misinterpreting him, that he do it out of love that I don’t get it. He never questioned himself, or said sorry. He always made me seem crazy for getting hurt for the way he used to relate to me and never wanted to change his way. It got to the point that I said I was loosing my time trying to explain him to respect me in 1000 different ways. I rather shut down conversation with him to zero than ever try to explain to him again. I lost to many time and moments arguing with him trying to get him to understand that he was hurting me.
9. I also kind of feel like he is trying to say "I told you so, just be positive, like I had told you long time ago." Why would he do that?
10. Also, he used to discourage me when I had a plan or goal and told him about it. He would say it wouldn't work, he said there was no way. Even when I still followed my plans and managed to win, he didn't even apologize, he didn't even recognize it and congratulate me. He would just keep doing the same thing.
11. He is probably just a failure, so he wants my life to be a failure too. He feels envy of me.
12. What is he talking about positive is the best for life? Is he positive? He is such a complainer and he is so negative all the time. He gets extremely nervous with anything. So he is talking about stuff that he doesn't know.

This has triggered me a really bad mood.

What do you think about it, since I am too involved I cant think clear.

Thank you

@category12 Yes definitely, I need to think of the best way to limit him of my social media, keep a safer distance. He likes to act like a victim without addressing what he done to me.

And yes i need to talk about these with a therapist, because or else they wont go anywhere, but you guys all have been very helpful, and helping me feel more at ease so thank you.

It is just that I am so mad he still has the power to make me feel so awful me being so far away and things going so well

He doesn't have that power unless you let him. Just delete the message, take him off Facebook and get on with your life. If your life is better without him in it then so be it.

@Seaoftroubles Yes thank you, definitely counselling! But this also has been very helpful

It is just that I am so mad he still has the power to make me feel so awful me being so far away

I can so relate to this and easier said than done to block it out completely

@beja959 reading your list there, with so much self-compassion for the answer, ask yourself why you want the approval of a man who clearly has no emotional maturity or depth. He's a puddle, emotionally.

There were bits of ''Running on Empty'' by JOnice Webb (about neglectful parents) that I could identify but the book is a selection of different types of neglect and I identified most with ''jeff''. His parents only ever talked about the weather, the garden, the neighbours. If he tried to gently steer the conversation somewhere real he was instantly hushed and shamed for being dramatic. The scenario was eerily like my own!

It's really hard though, not everybody gets on board with the whole inner child concept, but my inner child still longs for my mother to acknowledge that my reality is valid and that it's not an aggression perpetrated against her.

It'll never happen, she's unreachable, but my inner child will wait forever :-( even though rationally I do know that she's the most ego-defended person I've ever encountered.

I have a dad like this, sympathies OP.
Keep him at arms length to protect yourself. It’s the only way to “keep the positive” - he’s the issue.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff Yes it does feel great to have him removed from my social media circle. Yes it is crazy how something so meaningless to him made me feel so awful. And exactly!! What does being positive mean?? so vague. Thank you so much,that was caring! I will try to distract myself this weekend.

And the point is, my inner child gets triggered too. It's normal. My mother's absolute certainty that her distorted reality (in which she's perfect and I'm unreasonable) really annoys me, it's like @Plinkyplonkyplod says, when a parent shames you out of your normal reaction, so that they never have to be uncomfortable, or self-reflect, it's very damaging to your sense of your self. My mother has got to 79 years old without a moment's self-reflection and she's done that by projection. Eg, it's not that she's defensive, it's that I have some nerve being so ungrateful and aggressive trying to raise an issue et cetera.

@Doggymummar Yes I do worry that he is getting old, and he might get sick, and even getting closer to him passing away. However he makes it so hard to enjoy his company. I need to stay away for my own emotional health that is not so great! I need to take care of my life.

@Comedycook Hi, yes it is nice to think about it that way. And yes I do have tendency to overthink! I have low self esteem. That is why I am never sure of things, and I give the benefit of the doubt of my assumptions. But I am tired of him being "clumsy", he hurted me too much in the past like that, but he doesn't care about questioning himself. It just really surprised me, I didnt think I had to worry about how my dad used to make me feel, when he was so far away... and thank you

In case it helps OP, you can put someone on ‘restricted’ on facebook, if you don’t want to block them entirely.

It means you don’t have to see anything they post and you can stop them seeing anything you post, but they won’t know that.

@Plinkyplonkyplod Wow, I believe that describes him. I kind of cried reading that. A lot of people dont get it, because as an example they just say "well you are overreacting, cause your dad sends you money etc, you dont know how lucky you are etc" or "he doesn't physically hit you"... anyways it is so hard to explain when it is this form of abuse. Everybody thinks you are crazy.

That is exactly how I feel. He made it about him. Make me happy. So what happens if I fail because life is tough and Im not able to tackle it all?

I started reading emotionally immature parents a while back, the intro was so good and things came up that I stopped. Ill keep those in mind.

And also he is super-protective which is also bad, so he keeps trying to get involved but emotionally immature and lets me down.

Thank you so much for your message. You were like an angel.

I do think the best option is to limit him from my facebook.

@ehupo7 Ok thanks, that is helpful.

@Plinkyplonkyplod I used to use an expression to explain how my dad used to make me feel that kind of sounds funny and weird but it is the same idea you are saying. I used to say "I feel like a pig that my dad is making me fat for christmas" not in english, it is a translation. Now I see that I wasnt so wrong. Thank you

@BarbieDesvelada Yes I guess that is the problem they havent done no self reflection so they get to hurting people, and most often those closest to them.

@BarbieDesvelada Thank you! Yes that perfectly describes him, he is a puddle emotionally! However I want to become assertive. That seems like a nice book! That most likely like my step mother, she only talks about the weather and gardening, she is lovely tho. In the meantime I dont expect so much from her cause I met her pretty late in mid 20s. Wishing you lots of compassion too.

@nokidshere I guess in my case wouldnt be good to block him completely, but block just some parts of him, and train myself not to expect some parts of him, and make my boundaries stronger. Blocking completely seems so much harder.

@beja959 you're very welcome and that's actually quite touching.

My own personal journey with something similar to this didn't involve counselling but I read and read and read and that was helpful to me. Having young children of my own was a catalyst for seeing my parents, particularly one of my parents... More clearly shall we say. This provoked a devastatingly lonely and emotional introspection on my own childhood, relationship to my parents and in particular the way I felt neglected and exploited by one of them. It's grief, anger, guilt, uncertainty going round and round in circles. I realised all the times I have been triggered by that parent, upset by that parent, manipulated by them, felt guilty about them, felt ashamed and disgusted of myself etc.

I think the strongest feelings burn out to an extent. I go back and forth of course, but these days I often feel able to simply view my parent(s) more neutrally, simply as they are. They didn't do it on purpose as such (though some parents may have done, I don't wish to exclude it as a possibility for anyone else), they're just sort of... deficient. Seeing them in this light means I don't have to forgive them or emote about it anymore than one has to forgive or emote about a crocodile that tried to eat you. It is just is a crocodile.

And actually moving onto a bit of neutrality and having that emotional distance makes it easier to appreciate the ways in which my parents did and do care and provide for me (again this may not be the case for everyone), within their limitations. They have got positive attributes too. I guess returning to the crocodile analogy it's like you share a lake with a crocodile. The lake wouldn't be the same without the crocodile , it belongs there and you may even be fond of it but nevertheless you remain aware that it is a crocodile and you don't stop taking precautions to prevent it from eating you. I actually would say I have a positive relationship with my parent(s) in many ways, though I have had to accept that in a really huge way they don't know who I am and they are effectively living in a different reality emotionally.

Op do we have the same father?
One time my dad said "you're pretty but in an Adele kind of way" (I'm a size 8 btw and look nothing like her back when she was curvier) not that looking like Adele is an issue but I knew his intentions weren't good with that comment.
If I have a goal he'll find flaws in it.
If I'm happy he'll humiliate me.
Men like this set out to shatter you. Ignore them and pity them. I don't really speak to my dad these days. He's just an old miserable sod.
Don't let him get to you.

OP, you have posted very similar threads before.

People with their own issues will complicate this along with you

You are way overthinkg this, are you always this intense?

So?

No offence, but pretty pointless observation.

@Plinkyplonkyplod That is a really nice analogy to think about. And I see what you mean. Yes if I see them as deficient in that way Ill stop expecting it from them, and be able to look at the good sides. It is kind of hard because of the influence and proximity they have over me, but I see it.

I have it in both parents, but at least I am seeing my mother trying to change. They are different kinds of immature.

It is motivating that you were able to self therapy yourself through books. Psychotherapy it is very amazing, I wish I had done it earlier. However sometimes you might find a psychotherapist that does not understand one or other of your problems. So it is good to keep looking for the right solution.

Do you think I should consider to tell my dad I need distance, or why I am limiting him on Facebook? Because he likes to act like a victim instead of trying to understand.

Also, what is the best advice not to pass that on to my kids, since there are generational traumas? Would it be just, therapy, self-therapy and learning to talk about my emotions?

@Tippexy This is actually my first time posting here. I just created an account today.

@WandaWonder Yes I am a pretty intense and sensible person. Some of it comes from my personality, some of it comes from my low self esteem.