A fool or a victim.

[4thfloorbungalow]

Hello everyone, I'm a 62 years old male and brand new to the forum.

I wonder if anyone can tell me if they think my gut feeling and eventual decision was warranted and the correct one.

Until Tuesday gone, I was in a relationship with a woman I'd been seeing for 3 months, but as time went on, I was wondering if I was being led along and being a fool to myself. At first, everything seemed fine, except her behaviour seemed to change each and every day, but nothing too bad or serious. I went to pick her up to go on our 4-5th date, she stood at the door, I gave her a kiss and said, "are you ready to roll"? She never moved and asked, "don't you think I look nice today"? I said, "as always, you look very nice and you smell gorgeous too"! She went inside to get her coat and bag, so I went and got in the car, the next thing I knew, was her knocking on the passenger door window, I shouted, "it's open", she never moved. I slid down the electric window and asked what the problem was, she said, "I expect you to come round and open the door for me", I said, "you're more than capable of opening the door yourself, hop in". She just stood there. I got out, went round, opened the door and she got in. I found this rather off putting, but said nothing.

We were supposed to be going out on Tuesday morning, but as sometimes happens with me, my Fibromyalgia decided to have a flare up, this for anyone who suffers it will know, very horrible and debillitating and changes the course of your day. I called her to say plans would have to change, there was no, "I'm sorry to hear that or is there anything I can do", I got, "well that's another wasted day that I'll have to spend on my own". She put the phone down and that was the end of the conversation. It was while I was doing nothing apart from trying to deal with the pain, it occurred to me that I'd witnessed some odd behaviour from her, so grabbed a pen and noted them down.

Sense of self-importance.

Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success.

Entitled.

Greedy.

Feel they can only be around people who are important or special.

Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.

Arrogant.

Lack empathy, despite claiming otherwise.

Crocodile tears at the drop of a hat.

Must be admired/Peacock.

Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them.

Paranoid of exposing her insecurities.

The above is my honest opinion/the way I see her and a perfect description of her, her attitude and behaviour. A full on narcissist!

Since then, she's not called, texted or emailed me and that suits me fine, if it's over, it's over, at least I know I can breathe again without hearing a complaint from her that I'm annoying her by just breathing. I will not be contacting her, she can find someone else to annoy.

I am old fashioned. I would dump you if you got in the car and didn't get out to open my door for me.

The rest of the stuff seems a bit tiring but let's face it, the woman has high standards and yours are lower/different.

You weren't compatible.

Many women in your age group no longer need a man to provide for them, they are financially independent and it's only your company they require.

You may find that they won't waste their precious time on a man who isn't going to meet their exacting standards and given the amount of single men, they can pick and choose.

Mortified for anyone who needs a man or anyone for that matter to get out of a car and open a door for them while they can do it themselves. Absolutely ridiculous behaviour.
She sounds like a pain in the hole, you are well rid.

It wouldn't even occur to me that someone else would be responsible for opening a car door! 😂 I would expect a compliment on a 4th date but I wouldn't ask for it.

I would also be much more sympathetic about your illness. You should dump her.

She's way too demanding and needy. Imagine what she'll be like in a few months if she's like this now?

You can do better.

I don't think the word victim is appropriate unless she has somehow hurt you emotionally or manipulated money or whatever out of you. You're not a fool either, you began a relationship with someone who turned out to be quite unpleasant. You only find these things out in the passing of time. So take it as a lesson/experience and hope for better luck next time!

Move on already! This woman expects to be put on a pedestal, if that’s not your thing then don’t play the game.

Her response on the cancellation is understandable if you didn't explain it was because your Fibromyalgia was flaring up, so if you just said plans have changed can't make it then it's understandable she's pissed off.

I don't think her behaviour is weird, I think she has different take on life than you. You just sound incompatible. You are extremely critical of her like a bitter old married couple of 30 years. Why did you even date her so long for 3 months? You should have known you're not on the same page early.

I don't know what you mean by victim or fool. I think you're a fool for dating an incompatible woman for 3 months. Like, I'm sure she expected her chair pulled and stuff from the first date, you either did those things and slacked or ignored your red flags (I say your own red flags because you don't want to do chivalrous traditionally gentlemanly behaviours so you should avoid women who want doors opened and nice compliments).

oooh she's a nutter. stay away from her even if she does get in touch. she's a selfish self entitled twat and u have had a luck escape. try and meet someeone who appreciates you. yes it is nice manners to say, oh u look nice, but it shouldn't be forced. opening the car door, come on it's not the 1800's.
your list is way way way too long for a 3 month relationship.
would hate to think what she was like in bed 😜😜 good riddance and good luck

I’ve got an issue with a man coming onto a forum for women complaining about a woman. Your list of faults is mind boggling in its assumptions and conjectures. Just stop going out with her if she is so awful.

Laydeez, I’ve known a woman for three months and I’ve decided she’s a narcissist!

What's the problem? Mumsnet is available to all those who wish to use it.

He's not 'complaining about women' , he's asking for advice on this particular woman.

From my perspective, men are welcome to post on MN. Sometimes it’s interesting to read the male perspective.
This woman sounds like a right cow and clearly “not that into you.”
You might take a leaf out of her book & brush up on some courtesy’s but don’t give her another thought. Who needs it?

I didn’t say you had to have a problem with it but I do.

You are not a victim.You are however unwise to carry on seeing a woman who expects old fashioned manners if you are not prepared to act accordingly. From the list of her faults you obviously didn't even like her so yes, a fool to continue.

"I am old fashioned. I would dump you if you got in the car and didn't get out to open my door for me."

Are you for real?????

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Op, she sounds horrible. You're not stringing it out so I don't think you're a victim. Well done to draw a line under this nonsense. Much better off without toxic people like that.

You dated someone for three months and as time went on you discovered she was not someone you wanted to have a long term relationship with. That is how dating works. How did she lead you on or make you a fool or a victim?

It's time to move on .

The OP has not asked for any opinions or advice.

The OP has stated a lot of negative opinions, including describing a interpersonal partner as narcissistic greedy and entitled. On the basis of 3 months relationship

On a female forum

Yeah I'm not sure it leaves the best taste in your mouth

I would dump you if you got in the car and didn't get out to open my door for me.

Seriously??

I'm perfectly capable of opening a car door. If I walk to the car with someone and they open the door, I don't think too much of it but I'd hare it if someone got out of the car to open it for me. I'd see it as a huge red flag tbh. Really irritating at the least.

But, then again, I wouldn't demand a compliment or complain about a wasted day if someone was ill either.

OP, I think yive had a lucky escape. Most people want an equal partner. She is not one of those people.

Absolutely this. I’m in my 50’s and if a man opened my car door for me I think I’d burst out laughing.

She sounds like she’s got ideas well above her station and wants to be out on a pedestal rather than be treated as an equal partner.

Dod she expect you to pay for everything as well?

I can’t say I read her the way you have described her. I think she is old fashioned and expected you to treat her a certain way as a courteous thing to do.

I dislike the tone of some of the posters on here just because you're a man, so what if you're a man.

My take on it is this:

• I'd prefer you to open the car door for me because it's polite and respectful, you don't have to but I'd really like it. If you didn't I'd silently judge you based on everything else overall but I certainly wouldn't stand outside and insist because that is WEIRD behaviour and entitled. If I didn't like how a man was behaving then I would simply tell him we're not compatible without making a huge scene like she did.
• I'd like you to compliment me but i'm certainly not going to insist upon it, I think that is weird behaviour and unacceptable in my opinion. I'd probably dump anyone who insisted I compliment them, it would feel like I was living by a set of rules and had to constantly remember to compliment them regardless. Fk that.
• I think you should say you're very sorry you've got to re-arrange the date because of x issue and explain why, and if you had done that to me I would be concerned and ask if you were ok because it would bother me more that you were in pain even if I was disappointed that the date was going to be postponed. I might be pissed about it but that's my problem and I wouldn't put it on you.

I think she genuinely does sound like an absolute drain on energy to be honest and whilst I agree with people who say that women can have exacting standards, how you conduct yourself and put the message across of the standards you accept should also be part of your standards.

Ladies: It's not all about us and OUR standards, there is such a thing as having basic human respect for other people as well, some of these people are men.

My guess is that she's a flipping narcissist as well personally and I'd stay far far away from that.

Women do exactly the same. Even worse, they diagnose narcissism for each other in someone they have never met.

And ASD.

And BDP/EUPD.

🤷🏻‍♀️

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