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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

A fool or a victim.

48 replies

4thfloorbungalow · 18/08/2023 11:28

Hello everyone, I'm a 62 years old male and brand new to the forum.

I wonder if anyone can tell me if they think my gut feeling and eventual decision was warranted and the correct one.

Until Tuesday gone, I was in a relationship with a woman I'd been seeing for 3 months, but as time went on, I was wondering if I was being led along and being a fool to myself. At first, everything seemed fine, except her behaviour seemed to change each and every day, but nothing too bad or serious. I went to pick her up to go on our 4-5th date, she stood at the door, I gave her a kiss and said, "are you ready to roll"? She never moved and asked, "don't you think I look nice today"? I said, "as always, you look very nice and you smell gorgeous too"! She went inside to get her coat and bag, so I went and got in the car, the next thing I knew, was her knocking on the passenger door window, I shouted, "it's open", she never moved. I slid down the electric window and asked what the problem was, she said, "I expect you to come round and open the door for me", I said, "you're more than capable of opening the door yourself, hop in". She just stood there. I got out, went round, opened the door and she got in. I found this rather off putting, but said nothing.

We were supposed to be going out on Tuesday morning, but as sometimes happens with me, my Fibromyalgia decided to have a flare up, this for anyone who suffers it will know, very horrible and debillitating and changes the course of your day. I called her to say plans would have to change, there was no, "I'm sorry to hear that or is there anything I can do", I got, "well that's another wasted day that I'll have to spend on my own". She put the phone down and that was the end of the conversation. It was while I was doing nothing apart from trying to deal with the pain, it occurred to me that I'd witnessed some odd behaviour from her, so grabbed a pen and noted them down.

Sense of self-importance.

Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success.

Entitled.

Greedy.

Feel they can only be around people who are important or special.

Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain.

Arrogant.

Lack empathy, despite claiming otherwise.

Crocodile tears at the drop of a hat.

Must be admired/Peacock.

Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them.

Paranoid of exposing her insecurities.

The above is my honest opinion/the way I see her and a perfect description of her, her attitude and behaviour. A full on narcissist!

Since then, she's not called, texted or emailed me and that suits me fine, if it's over, it's over, at least I know I can breathe again without hearing a complaint from her that I'm annoying her by just breathing. I will not be contacting her, she can find someone else to annoy.

OP posts:

user1471521072 · 18/08/2023 13:00

I'm a 62-year-old woman and I would never expect a man to open the car door for me, never have expected it. This woman seems annoying and very entitled. The solution is simple: don't call her again, you're done with her. Plenty of other women out there. My mum has fibromyalgia so I understand about how painful and debilitating the flair-ups are.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2023 13:02

Icycloud · 18/08/2023 12:49

I can’t say I read her the way you have described her. I think she is old fashioned and expected you to treat her a certain way as a courteous thing to do.

And, if he didn't, she could simply decide he wasn't the man for her and end it properly rather than stand in the street making demands and berating him for being ill.

That's just common courtesy and what I'd expect from either sex towards either sex.

And, yes, he could have done that sooner too but people aren't perfect 🤷🏻‍♀️

5imon · 18/08/2023 13:04

As a fellow male move on pal. There are some lovely contributors on here but there's a few( and just a few) that because you are male on what they think is a forum for women only will have an issue if you asked the time of day.
Some of us males have been better mums than actual mums.

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 13:08

TetrapanaxRex · 18/08/2023 11:34

I am old fashioned. I would dump you if you got in the car and didn't get out to open my door for me.

The rest of the stuff seems a bit tiring but let's face it, the woman has high standards and yours are lower/different.

You weren't compatible.

Many women in your age group no longer need a man to provide for them, they are financially independent and it's only your company they require.

You may find that they won't waste their precious time on a man who isn't going to meet their exacting standards and given the amount of single men, they can pick and choose.

Im sorry, but if I were a man, I'd have zero interest in dating someone that expected me to act subservient to them.

Swansandcustard · 18/08/2023 13:08

Hey OP, get rid. Rude, entitled twat. You don’t need that.

SuperBurgers · 18/08/2023 13:11

Yeah, ignore the militants OP, shes a pain in the buttside. I get you are posting because you are feeling a bit wounded, it happens to us all. I hope you are feeling better soon. Do not reach out to her, do not respond. Grey rock the shiz out of this.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 13:14

That's a pretty long list for 3 months . The two examples you give , the first one is cringy more than anything else, the second one is really bad(unless it's not the first time you've cancelled things last minute and for less serious reasons).

However , given the list, the way you talk being led on,taken for a fool,victim etc and making a post about it, you sound just as bad as her , and tick a few things of that list as well. I wouldn't date either of you.

Original poster

4thfloorbungalow · 18/08/2023 17:01

I'm very sorry if I've caused any upset or said the wrong thing, I've never opened myself up before, never mind on a forum but to any of the friends I have. All I wanted to do was get some feed back regarding my situation. I've always turned up to our dates and never done or said anything to cause upset. I'd had a couple of incidents on Monday that caused me some stress, it had been on my mind, affected my sleep and I didn't get very much restful sleep and I think that's what had triggered the flare up on Tuesday morning. With feeling tired, pained and upset at her response to my illness and resulting inability to attend our date, it led me to question my being with her and so I wrote down my feeling, observations and opinion of her, it's a simple as that.

I'm a very easy going and laid back guy and never take anyone for granted. What I've written is 100% true and honest. I have to attend hospital once a month for injections in the spine and at least, these are painful and can be sometimes very painful, leaving me feeling horrible and not wanting to be sociable, but I've still turned up for our date or collected a takeaway if I was really suffering or not able to rise above the pain.

Yes, I feel wounded and hurt. I do the best I can, but sometimes it's not enough for some people.

OP posts:

SamW98 · 18/08/2023 17:58

OP I don’t think you’re a fool or a victim. You say you’re laid back and easy going. Well seems you’ve met someone high maintenance and you’re just not a good match.

Its hard if you feel your best wasn’t good enough but you were just trying with the wrong person.

Don't feel down or defeated. Dust yourself down, take a bit of breathing space and try again - good luck

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 18:03

I agree with PPs that you sound overly bitter and judgmental about it all. Sounds like she's not necessarily a nice person but listing all those awful qualities is a bit much. Maybe you just need to move on and stop overfocussing on how awful she is. Your post automatically gives me some red flags about you OP, as much as her, sorry. I realise this sounds harsh but might be worth some reflection.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2023 19:41

dreamydandelion · 18/08/2023 18:03

Why is it a bit much?

That's how everyone evaluates situations. They might not write them down but they do formulate mental lists, at least, of observations they have made in order to process them.

Have you ever been on a thread whee a woman has details the things the guy she is seeing and told her it was 'a bit much' or do you accept that that is how people process things? Because I've seen far longer and more damning lists than this!

Tbh, I find some of the responses to male posters a bit tiresome on here at times. If some women don't like men posting, they can ignore those threads but coming on a thread to berate someone who is upset just because they are male is, quite frankly, what is 'a bit much'.

And that's not because I'm a male apologist, or seeking male validation or a handmaiden or anything else. It's because I tend to treat people as I'd like to he treated until they show themselves to be a prick. At which point I'm more than happy to call them out on it.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 18/08/2023 20:43

She sounds very high maintenance. Get rid

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 18/08/2023 20:50

@GreyCarpet I'd say the exact same thing to a woman. OP simply doesn't come across as some innocent, aww shucks , type of person. In fact he seems to tick some of the things on his" bad" list himself. That's the issue.

DatingDinosaur · 19/08/2023 07:58

Sounds like she's not the one for you OP. You know now that in the future you should avoid dating entitled little princesses. It's not for you to change them and it's not for you to be subservient to them. Just accept you aren't right for each other and move on.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/08/2023 08:15

I've never thought about expecting a man to open a car door for me or pull out my chair in a restaurant. It's never occurred to me at all. Maybe I'm weird.

SamW98 · 19/08/2023 09:41

TheAverageJoanne · 19/08/2023 08:15

I've never thought about expecting a man to open a car door for me or pull out my chair in a restaurant. It's never occurred to me at all. Maybe I'm weird.

If you’re weird then so am I. I think I’d burst out laughing if that happened on a date

Original poster

4thfloorbungalow · 21/08/2023 14:39

Good afternoon all, I've stayed off the site as I could see my post has caused a lot of upset and I didn't want to cause any more.

My observations were my observation and with having a previous relationship of almost 30 years with someone else with similar habits, I would have classed myself as having some experience of this kind of behaviour.

Something this woman's mother said to me early on in the relationship and I took no notice of at the time, is making sense now. Her actual words were, "I don't know how you can put up with her, none of her other boyfriends has".

It's not a "one size fits all world" and a square peg won't fit in a round hole, hence we're all different. I only wanted to put my version of events onto the forum and find out what the thoughts of other were. Some agree with me and some don't or think I'm making a mountain out of a molehill, but with being neuro-divergent, I see things differently anyway, but does that make me right or wrong?

I apologise if I've caused upset to anyone.

OP posts:

Pumkinsareshortlived · 21/08/2023 15:18

4thfloorbungalow · 21/08/2023 14:39

Good afternoon all, I've stayed off the site as I could see my post has caused a lot of upset and I didn't want to cause any more.

I apologise if I've caused upset to anyone.

Please don't lose any sleep over this woman. Her behaviour is bang out of order. I'm 65 and certainly wouldn't insist on compliments, never mind fish for them or expect a car door held open for me.

This woman is totally lacking in basic empathy. Chalk it up as a lucky escape and move on. Hope your flair up subsides soon.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/08/2023 15:39

opening the car door, come on it's not the 1800's

This really made me laugh.

FartSock5000 · 21/08/2023 16:21

There is no right or wrong here. You are just very different people who have different views on manners, etiquette and standards.

If the relationship isn't "clicking" and the flow isn't easy, move on.

Aprilx · 21/08/2023 16:30

If I were picking somebody up, regardless of sex or nature of our relationship, I would probably wait for them and walk to the car together. But I have also always managed to open my own car door no matter whether I am a driver or passenger and who I am with.

She does seem a bit strange, it wasn’t going to work.

Esmejane81 · 21/08/2023 18:24

I think anyone making you feel this way isn’t worth the time invested. Any relationship should feel fulfilling for both and it definitely sounds like she isn’t attempting to make the effort.

Opening the door …. Seriously anyone who can’t open their own door needs to get a grip.

Sorry some of the other posters are making comments re you being male, this forum should be open to all and it’s not fair or necessary for you to be berated for posting.

Take care.

tankcrossing · 21/08/2023 23:53

This thread has made my day. If I refused to leave the house until DP told me I looked nice, or refused to get into the car until he opened the door for me, we would never go anywhere. Actually, I might try it for a laugh and see what his reaction is ha ha.

Heck, if we have an ice cream or sweets while watching telly, he used to grab my hand and put his rubbish in it!!! Well he used to, until one day I stuck it down his jumper.

This woman sounds like Mrs Bouquet (Bucket) if she refused to open her own door, I would have driven off and left her standing there.

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