Advice re family

[Gigi20]

Last year I had a complete breakdown. I had tried to hold it together for a few months but I just got worse and worse.
To my utter shame I attempted suicide, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and was there for 2 1/2 months.

My relationship with my husband has never been great and during the weeks leading up to my suicide attempt he treated me very badly, I would go as far as saying that some of his actions made me want to kill myself.

The last few weeks before I went into hospital my brother came to stay and witnessed my husbands behaviour. My mum has never really liked my husband and felt my mental health issues were due to the way I had been treated.

Whilst I was in hospital my husband wasn't great. My DB and DM kept pushing the narrative that everything was my husbands fault.
I was obviously in quite a bad way and deeply ashamed at my actions. However, I would not go as far as saying it was all his fault, I had experienced quite a lot of trauma in my life and also used to drink quite a bit.

Upon my release I had quite a bad accident which I had to have major surgery for. At this point I had realised that staying with my husband was not going to work. However, one of my children were taking A levels and I didn't want to do anything until after that.
Also my therapist had said that I needed to take my time and get stronger before I did anything.
Im also taking quite a high dose of anti depressants, which make me feel very flat and unmotivated. I want to get down to a lower dose before I face the challenges of leaving.
After my operation my husband treated me really badly, I'm now used to not expecting any emotional support from him so was doing ok.

I went to stay with my DB for a few days and felt like I had been ambushed. He just kept repeating the same things to me that I had to leave my husband after my child's exams. How my children will one day leave and I need to make my own life etc.
I got quite upset and told my mum who then told my brother. When I said I felt like they should t put me in this position they just say it's because we care.

I know my husband hasn't helped my mental health but there are allot of things that have happened to me that they are unaware of.

A few things happened which resulted in my DM phoning my husband, screaming down the phone at him. I think it was just a build up of all the anger she felt for him but now she won't have anything to do with him.

There are a few more things to add to this but I'm very aware of the length of my post.

Ive had to have another major op and was speaking to my mum on the phone. She said some things that I found upsetting and when I pulled her up on it she put the phone down.

My DM and DB have now gone really cold on me. My DM used to phone me about 3 times a day but she just sends a text, hope you're ok.
I just do not have the strength to argue with her. I must admit the radio silence is quite peaceful. But I do feel like they are trying to manipulate me in a way, something they accuse my husband of.

I just don't know how to approach things with them. I'm still far from recovered, mentally and physically and feel my mental health getting worse again.

Thank you if you managed to read all this and sorry for the length of my post

So your husband treated you badly before your illness, while you were in hospital and after your surgery he treated you really badly. On that basis I can understand why your mother and brother are frustrated.

I totally understand why they are frustrated. I have agreed with them that his behaviour is bad. I just do not have the strength to do anything about it at the moment.
Every time my mum phoned she would start running my husband down.
I asked her not to do this, that I know all his faults and I didn't need to hear it all the time.

My children aren't aware of everything that has gone on. I don't want to run their dad down to them. They are upset with my mum and brother for not speaking to their dad.

When I was admitted to hospital my mum was cleaning one of the children's rooms and said "No wonder your mum got so ill, you're so messy." She sometimes oversteps the mark and when I pull her up she gets really defensive and starts crying

Its all such a mess

I don't want to fall out with my family. I just need them to give me time.
My mum can be very overpowering at times and if you say anything she gets upset and starts crying.
She once didn't talk to me for 2 weeks because she phoned whilst I was busy and I declined the call.

Would it be fair to say you've gone from an overbearing family to an equally abusive marriage?

Yes, but I couldn't say that to my mum, she wouldn't accept that at all.

I just need some peace, I need to recover before I can leave. It's difficult for me to even go outside the house at the moment. Let alone separate from my husband.

My DB leaves in another country and my parents have a very small house with no spare room.

They are saying I can spend 3 months with my brother (Brexit) and 3 months at my parents??
That is not going to help me mentally. I know my DM loves me very much but she does like to boss & control me

Your family have had enough of the situation which must be really wearing them down. You’re not going to feel better until you leave your husband. You will find the strength , it will in itself help you feel better once you’ve done it. I’m not surprised your family are frustrated and distancing themselves.

@Pancakebatter I know that's how they must be feeling.
Physically and mentally I don't have the strength.
I have no job and there isn't enough equity in my home to start again. I don't want the children to lose their home and we could not afford for one of us to move out.

Im also worried that my family will try and control me. I've already had " well how do you expect us to feel after what you did?"
I feel like they are punishing me for not doing what they want.

You poor thing, stuck between a rock and a hard place😢

Would it work to tell your mother and brother that you are taking the rest of this year to recover and make plans for your future and if that they really want to help you they will support you by not rocking the boat for that period? You would need to keep communication on a very superficial level and not, ever, mention your husband in order not to set them off.

At the same time start getting your proverbial ducks in a row with regard to divorce proceedings so that you feel more in control.

And as an aside, please don't feel shame about your breakdown - you didn't choose to be ill in the same way you didn't choose to have an accident.

Thank you. It's very hard because of the suicide attempt. It was something I always swore I wouldn't do.
I will try and convey that to them but I'm not sure how my DM will take it.

It's coming up to a year since my breakdown and I don't feel like I have improved and I know they are getting impatient with me.
I don't think they can understand why I'm not 'fixed'

I've been through 2 major surgeries this year and it's really not helped my recovery.
My therapy has stopped and I have nobody who I can speak to.

It doesn't help that I'm on these strong Ads. They did help at the time and probably saved my life but I now have to face weaning myself off them and having no support.

My children are upset with them and I really feel like it's all just a complete mess.

I know they are frustrated but aibu in being hurt about the way they are treating me?
How to I relay that to them without causing further upset?

The problem is that you've been controlled/bullied all your life - firstly (and ongoingly - is that a word?) by your mother and family and latterly by your husband. You can't change them (much as you think they should change - they won't) but you can change the way you think, feel and behave. The last thing you need right now is more conflict so you need to be smart. So don't give them any ammunition - don't discuss your husband, don't be drawn into any arguments, don't offer any opinions and when you are inevitably given 'well-meaning' advice don't commit yourself to any course of action.

I know from personal experience how bitterly disappointing it is to be treated badly by people who are supposed to love and care for you but wanting it isn't going to make it happen.

Look up the Grey Rock and Stuck Record techniques - both will give you the phrases and ways of speaking that will help you most right now. And you can use them with your husband as well.

@Eyesopenwideawake thank you so much. I will look that up.
Im thinking of just sending them a text message, I'm just trying to figure out how to word it.
You have been very helpful, part of my illness is that I question myself and my feelings a lot. I'm constantly thinking that it's me with the problem.

I have lost a couple of what I considered to be really good friends since my breakdown. I'm starting to think I'm the one who is wrong :(

How about something along the lines of "I know you only want what's best for me and how frustrating my situation must be to you, looking in from the outside. However I need a period of time to recover, physically and mentally and to make sure that my next steps are the best for both me and the children. Until I am ready to make those steps I have to keep my home life as stable and conflict free as I possibly can. I know you will understand and do whatever you can to help me achieve this"

Rather tongue in check (and only you know how this type of message would be received) but you need to take back control of your life. It's your's, not anyone else's.

Sorry you’re going through this. Can you tell your family that you are just too unwell to deal with your marriage right now ? Maybe you could go home with the kids to stay with your mum if you need a break from your husband in the meantime

Thank you again @Eyesopenwideawake

Thats exactly how I feel that I've lost control of my life.

Im 50 years old and I feel that I'm constantly being bossed around.

Thank you @Annaishere
I can't go to my mums, she doesn't have a spare room so she insists on sleeping on the sofa if I stay there which makes me feel bad.
My dad isn't very well and is becoming increasingly forgetful.

She does love me but does drive me crazy at times, she can also be very negative about things which doesn't help. She is very backward in her thinking regarding things like race and religion

I had a session with my therapist last week. The first one in months.
I had to stop because my insurance has now refused to pay for any more mental health cover.

She said that my mothers behaviour towards me is abusive. That I need to put up boundaries and even suggested we have a therapy session with my mum.

There is absolutely no way my mum would agree and I don't feel like I could do it. If I even mentioned the fact that her treatment is abusive she would go mad.

I feel like I have absolutely nobody to talk to. I'm slipping back down rapidly.
Ive started drinking again (a lot over the past week.)
I used to drink quite a bit and my husband is a functioning alcoholic.

My mum used to say he encouraged me to drink, she totally blames my husband for my breakdown and she hates anyone drinking alcohol ( drunk abusive father.)

I admit I used to drink to block out my unhappy marriage. If I say to her I'm feeling really low she immediately says "have you been drinking?"

I really can't talk to her because she blames everything on drinking and my husband.
My husband has been complaining about my DM and DB saying he has been treated unfairly by them. He really doesn't get the fact his behaviour made me worse.

I just do t know what to do? I've literally been in bed all week. I know I have to try and push myself, I especially need to go out walking, for my physical recovery as well as mental.

But I just cannot find the strength, it doesn't help that I'm on quite a high dose of ADs which are making me lazy.

I really have nobody to turn to :(

And I'm finding it hard money wise so can't afford to see my therapist regularly.

bump

A bit of an update to this story and advice required please.

Something happened with my mum which was terribly controlling. She also said some things that really hurt.
I phoned my brother and begged him not to say anything but I was really upset and crying.
His just kept saying "it's only because she's worried"
"it's only because we care and how would you feel if this was your DD?".

When I said that was not a reason for her controlling ways he replied "well we only tried to help you and you have thrown it in our faces!"

I had to end the call, I went to my mums the next day and knew instantly by the things she said that he had told her.

I sent her a message and said although I am sensitive at the moment I can't stand the fact that everything I do and say is discussed with them.
She said this wasn't the case and she's just worried about me.

I haven't spoken to either of them for a nearly a week. Text to ask how they are. I sent my mum a message to say I will call her and have a chat soon.

I just don't know what to say? I feel like they are ok with me as long as I do what they say.
I am not ready to leave my husband. He knows how I feel and said we can work around stuff when I'm ready.

This has really dragged me back in my recovery. I feel like my mums actions towards my husband have made everything worse. The children are upset.
I feel like she has used this time as a good excuse to tell my husband how much she hates him.

I don't want to fall out with anyone but I hate the way my mum wants to know my every movement and thoughts.

Sorry if this is all a bit jumbled, some advice on what to say to her would be really appreciated.

Why do you need to speak to them when they bring nothing positive to your life? Can you extend that week to two, three, a month??

I don't want to fall out with anyone No one ever does, but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself, which might mean 'falling out' with your mother and brother, otherwise you'll only end up living the life they want, not the one that's best for you.

Are you still seeing your therapist?

Thank you @Eyesopenwideawake

I saw my therapist last week, explained everything that happened.
She said they are being controlling and manipulative, all the things they have accused my husband of! With a bit of gaslighting thrown in. She also said my mum treats me like a 15 year old.

She suggested not going over it with them but just carry on as normal and shut down any conversation where I don't like where it is going.

I could not go NC but I feel like I need to express my hurt in a way that isn't confrontational. This is extremely hard to do though as I either get tears, or she just says "oh you know what I'm like".

My brother has actually done some pretty bad stuff over the years but I feel like she jumps on me over the slightest thing.

I could do 10 wonderful things and if I do one thing she doesn't like she goes mad.

Sorry for the long post but my mind is all over the place atm.

Just bumping x

It may be hard to accept this but continued exposure to your mum, your brother and your husband will mean that you don't get a chance to gain strength and find peace. All of them seem to be zapping the joy out of you. Reduce your contact, much as you want them to assist you and support you it won't happen. Your therapist is right, you need to learn to get them off the subject. I believe that it will be impossible for you to express your hurt to them and be understood. You will never get validation or apology from them.

Find your inner strength and move on as best you can. I suspect you would find that you are better alone than with any of these emotional vampires dragging you down.

@canfor 100% this. Great post.