Advice re family

[Gigi20]

Last year I had a complete breakdown. I had tried to hold it together for a few months but I just got worse and worse.
To my utter shame I attempted suicide, I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and was there for 2 1/2 months.

My relationship with my husband has never been great and during the weeks leading up to my suicide attempt he treated me very badly, I would go as far as saying that some of his actions made me want to kill myself.

The last few weeks before I went into hospital my brother came to stay and witnessed my husbands behaviour. My mum has never really liked my husband and felt my mental health issues were due to the way I had been treated.

Whilst I was in hospital my husband wasn't great. My DB and DM kept pushing the narrative that everything was my husbands fault.
I was obviously in quite a bad way and deeply ashamed at my actions. However, I would not go as far as saying it was all his fault, I had experienced quite a lot of trauma in my life and also used to drink quite a bit.

Upon my release I had quite a bad accident which I had to have major surgery for. At this point I had realised that staying with my husband was not going to work. However, one of my children were taking A levels and I didn't want to do anything until after that.
Also my therapist had said that I needed to take my time and get stronger before I did anything.
Im also taking quite a high dose of anti depressants, which make me feel very flat and unmotivated. I want to get down to a lower dose before I face the challenges of leaving.
After my operation my husband treated me really badly, I'm now used to not expecting any emotional support from him so was doing ok.

I went to stay with my DB for a few days and felt like I had been ambushed. He just kept repeating the same things to me that I had to leave my husband after my child's exams. How my children will one day leave and I need to make my own life etc.
I got quite upset and told my mum who then told my brother. When I said I felt like they should t put me in this position they just say it's because we care.

I know my husband hasn't helped my mental health but there are allot of things that have happened to me that they are unaware of.

A few things happened which resulted in my DM phoning my husband, screaming down the phone at him. I think it was just a build up of all the anger she felt for him but now she won't have anything to do with him.

There are a few more things to add to this but I'm very aware of the length of my post.

Ive had to have another major op and was speaking to my mum on the phone. She said some things that I found upsetting and when I pulled her up on it she put the phone down.

My DM and DB have now gone really cold on me. My DM used to phone me about 3 times a day but she just sends a text, hope you're ok.
I just do not have the strength to argue with her. I must admit the radio silence is quite peaceful. But I do feel like they are trying to manipulate me in a way, something they accuse my husband of.

I just don't know how to approach things with them. I'm still far from recovered, mentally and physically and feel my mental health getting worse again.

Thank you if you managed to read all this and sorry for the length of my post

Thank you @canfor

That is exactly how I feel, that I just need peace to get my strength back.

I just don't know how to convey this to them.

My mum can say some really hurtful things. As soon as I start feeling a little bit better she starts dumping all of her emotional stuff on me.

My brother actually went NC with us all for 10 years. Coming back into our lives around 7 years ago. Where he was welcomed with open arms.

That whole time I was responsible for my mum and dad. All the birthdays, Christmas, emotional support.
Then he moved abroad around 3 years ago so it's all back to me again.
He was amazing when I got ill and came back over to stay with me and get me help.
My husband very much had his head in the sand regarding that and said he didn't realise how ill I was.

Ideally I would just love to disappear for a month to get myself physically stronger but that's impossible.

I just don't know how to convey this to them.

Gently, this is part of your problem. You are an adult. You don't need permission to do things, you don't need to tell your mother what you are doing. You don't need her acceptance, her opinion, her approval, her thoughts on ANY part of your life. Can you understand this?

I do know that @Eyesopenwideawake And ideally that's how it should be.

She has controlled me for so long that it's very hard to stop it.
I feel very very guilty that I put them through everything (suicide attempt) that I feel that I should just go along with everything to keep them happy.
As soon as I challenge her I get the tears.
My parents lead a very dull life and she wants that mother/daughter relationship where we go shopping or to spas together.
We have never had that, I would go as far as saying she was emotionally abusive to me when I was young.
There is no way she would realise these things.

I get that it's hard to stop it. But staying as you are is going to be even harder.

You didn't try to end your life in order to upset or hurt your mother, did you? So wanting you to feel guilt is not an appropriate reaction - they should be grateful that you didn't succeed and any other response is simply about them, not you.

You are not responsible for her happiness. The dullness of her life is her choice. If you don't challenge her she won't cry and you can still go shopping, etc but on YOUR terms, not hers. You really need to think of yourself as the adult in the room.

Do you think they feel guilt; no not at all.

You also have two qualities they lack; empathy and insight.

Be tired of being the last person who matters in your life. You've been abused your whole life; first off by your family and now by your alcoholic husband (and his primary relationship is with drink, not you). Your childhood primed you into accepting an abusive adulthood. You do not need their approval; not that they'd ever give this to you anyway. They are more than happy for you to live in the hole they dug for you. Ultimately you need to break free of and from all of these people.

Just tell them that you need alone time to rebuild your mental health. Your therapist has recommended it. Then drop the rope, no responsibility on you for Christmas, birthdays etc. Don't be guilt tripped. Your brother went NC for 10 years? Do the same. You need to put you first.

You will never be able to explain your point of view so that they understand you and support you or consider what is good for you. Don't try.

I’m in agreement with the other pisters, for the most part. But I also want to gently point out that you have a very serious disease, the alcoholism, that is progressive and ultimately going to kill you and any hope you have of getting clear of your abusive husband and family.

To a certain extent the drinking keeps you from addressing the pain of the bullying, and the focus on your family and their demands keeps you from focusing on the drinking.

You have a lot of trauma, it sounds like, on all sides. Therapy is good but I would also suggest joining AA or smart recovery to try to deal with the drinking. You can’t afford to be numbing yourself and avoiding action.

That really bit hard @pikkumyy77

Do you think I have a alcohol problem?

Yes: of course. You have alluded to it several times. Your dh is also an alcoholic and clearly prefers you not to challenge that by being more in contryof your drinking than he is. You might benefit from al anon—their educational techniques can be very profound—to learn how to manage yourself in this alcoholic and abusive relationship . I mean manage understanding it and then leaving.

Thank you @pikkumyy77

Do you think I am being to hard on my family?
Do you think I'm using them as an excuse to drink?
Generally interested in your thoughts. I did go to an AA meeting a few months ago but found it very uncomfortable.
I do question my drinking but because I can stop for months/weeks I didn't think it was a problem.

If you are drinking to excess, have developed a high tolerance, black out, drink to avoid conflict, lose time or control while drinking, etc… I think you have a problem even if you think it is limited to now and then. But definitions don’t matter. What matters is you are out of control of tour life. Drinking will not help you . It is a central nervous system depressant and binge drinking even occasionally have bad effects on you.

Have you left the husband?

How are the anti depressants? If they are leaving you flat and unmotivated they are not doing their job.

Tbh I'd try to avoid alcohol as it won't help your health.

I'd be careful about what you tell your mother and brother as clearly they will just tell each other. I can understand their frustration at wanting you to be in a better place and can understand them taking a step back but they need to not pressure you as it won't help. It's fine to take a break from them if it helps.

I'd be wary of any counsellor that tells you what people are doing to you. That's not really a counsellor's time. They should be facilitating you to understand your relationships and issues better. Not giving their opinion

Thank you @pikkumyy77. I agree I do think I have a drinking problem and will have a look at AA.

@Autiebibliophile no I haven't left my husband. I'm not in a position to do this at the moment.
I have had 2 major operations this year and I'm not physically good at the moment.
I need to start building myself up.

With regards to the ADs I've cut them down this week and feel a lot more motivated. I've been in a much better place the last few days. Not sure if that's because of cutting down the ads or I haven't had the constant phone calls from my mum?!

With regards to my therapist she doesn't give advice, just confirms things when I reach my own conclusions.
She has been amazing and the only therapist I have been able to really open up to.
Its hard because I can't see her as regularly as I would like.

I need to call my mum this week but really don't know how to explain calmly and without confrontation the way I'm feeling.

As gor your mum: just go low contact and gray rock her.

It sounds like your family are very controlling. It also sounds like they are desperately worried about you and your refusal to leave your abusive husband.

Me and DH have had to step back at various times from SIL because she was in an abusive relationship (they are broken up now but he's still emotionally controlling her). She feels completely torn and trapped and doesn't feel like she has any other choices so she continues to behave in a way that is bad for her and, worse, bad for her children. But she can't/won't listen to us. Intellectually, we understand - she's been beaten down by this man for many many years that she can't see the wood from the trees. But sometimes, we have to take a step back for our own mental health and also to actually preserve our relationship long term.

Gently op, you don't need to call your mum this week. You need to change your reactions, you can't change her.

Please stop drinking, it's a depressant and with everything else going on it's the last thing you need.

'If you keep doing the same things, you'll end up getting the same results'

You don't need to speak to your mum. You especially don't need to explain 'your side' of anything or what her actions might have done to you

Because she absolutely won't see it. So you'll just go around in the same destructive circles

I have been awake all night going over this and I really don't know what to do?

Im just so tired of it all. I feel bad because my dad is getting old and isn't in great health.
My mum also has a significant birthday coming up which is now going to be awkward.

Although I feel so grateful for everything my mum and brother have done I'm also feeling very angry about how they have treated me.

I wouldn't be able to just phone her and be casual as she will want an explanation why I haven't been in contact.

I know telling them will fall on deaf ears so kind of feel like I'm stuck in limbo.

My husband knows how I feel about him. We have said we will get along and try and make the atmosphere at home ok until I'm physically and mentally ready to do something about it.

Sorry again for the jumbled post, I just really feel I'm at a loss.

Bumping for the last time.

I haven't spoken to my mum and brother in nearly two weeks. They haven't reached out either.
Ive gone from upset to feeling angry with them.
I need to reach out, if only to see my dear dad who is not too well.

Do I just say I don't want to discuss it with them? I honestly do think that if I told them how hurt that have made me feel they still would not accept my reasoning.

I really don't know what to do for the best.

What sort of relationship do you have with your dad these days?. What sort of parent was he to you as a child?. Has he been there for you or supportive of you when you have needed support?.

They may well try and prevent you from speaking to your dad. He may well go along with their wishes out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He’s also married to your mum and he may well throw you under the bus in order to protect his own self from her barbed comments.

My dad has always been very supportive. He lets my mum go so far but always has the last day.
He is however very fragile now and has early dementia and Alzheimer's.
My mums life is really taken up by caring for him.
He had a major operation last year and we nearly lost him.
That was the start of my breakdown. The stress and pressure of it all really tipped me over.
Numerous nights in A&E where he wasn't looked after very well.
My mum leaned on me heavily during that time and I found it hard as my heart was literally breaking.
I could only sleep a few hours a night and when I woke up my whole body would be shaking. As soon as he started to recover that was when my body and mind shut down.

Sorry, that should say he always has the last word.
He lets my mum go so far but if he disagrees with her he will say so.

One last bump