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Relationships

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Original poster

New Man travelling and away from home - deal breaker?

59 replies

Wanderingtraveller · 17/08/2023 21:16

Im 49, met DP, 55 about 8 months ago through friends.

Things have been going well and he has been very loving and attentive and let me know from the start that it was his plan to retire by the end of this year. He has now communicated this to his employer and will he retiring in 3 months.

Despite his age he does lots of ‘off the beaten track’ travel - Everest Base camp hiking, skiing in Argentina etc. He has planned this for years, has no kids and a retirement pot that I could only dream of!!

Things have been going really well, he has supported me through a family illness, and we have been talking about the future ie that we both see that there could be a future for us.

I know he wanted to travel on retiring but its now becoming clear that he is planning to be away for 2 weeks of every month for the forseeable future, he will both the finances, the time and friends scattered all over the world. This is in line with a 2 year ‘mid career’ Gap year he did with his now ex-wife.

He has had a couple of preplanned break’s recently and Ive missed him when he has been away and wondering how we can nurture a relatively new relationship in this way.

would this be a dealbreaker for you?

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 17/08/2023 22:28

Just relax and see how it goes, you've not been together that long and his plans sound amazing. In time they might become plans for you both, or he might decide to dial it back a bit. No need to make any big decisions just now.

letmesailletmesail · 17/08/2023 22:33

What would you do if it was someone of that age who traveled regularly with work? Would that also be a deal breaker for you?

Ragwort · 17/08/2023 22:45

He sounds really interesting, independent minded and adventurous ... what's not to like? Better than some dreary chap who's only excitement in life is match of the day and a stroll to the allotment.
Presumably you have your own home, career, friends, interests etc? At the very least you won't get bored senseless in routine or domesticity with him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/08/2023 22:47

I think I would always feel like the boring one when he's coming back with all those tales of adventures.

Deb28777 · 17/08/2023 23:11

personally it wouldn’t be for me. Particularly the financial mismatch. Imagine him going this for the next 10 years while you have tow work. I couldn’t be doing with that to be honest.

HarrietofFire · 17/08/2023 23:17

I would love this! How interesting and so many things to talk about. I'd love the time on my own too. Really hope it works for you OP

SleepingStandingUp · 17/08/2023 23:25

At your age it's not like you're looking for someone to raise a family with, so I think it's probably easier to do this than if you were younger

How full is your life? Work, kids, friends, hobbies? It could be quite exciting to have two weeks on and two weeks off, but you have to trust he's not going to cheat

Have you spoken about how this will work? Has he suggest he wants a long distance proper relationship or just a hook up when he's home?

Maddy70 · 17/08/2023 23:35

I would be totally fine with this

9outof10cats · 17/08/2023 23:39

That wouldn't work for me. I like spontaneity in a relationship and wouldn't be comfortable with the concept of being restricted to a two-week timeframe each month to spend time with someone. I am very independent and have a busy life and wouldn't like the fact I may have to curtail my activities during that 2 weeks to make sure I had time to see someone. The best thing is to give it a go and see if it works for you.

Johnisafckface · 17/08/2023 23:40

CapEBarra · 17/08/2023 21:50

I would LOVE this. Two weeks or excitement, dinners out and shagging, and two weeks to myself - reading, swimming, work, beach, puttering, painting. This sounds perfect.

This.

this would be my dream relationship. I’m an introvert so I need lots of time to myself so two weeks out of a month of alone time would be perfect. Would allow me to miss him and regenerate while he was gone so I’d enjoy him even more.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/08/2023 00:03

readbooksdrinktea · 17/08/2023 21:23

No. He has planned this for years, and you knew it going in. Depends what you want in a partner, but it would suit me perfectly.

Same here.

I don't care for the "despite his age" comment. Age 55 is the prime of life. Surely you don't expect him to sit home watching Gogglebox.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/08/2023 00:04

Wanderingtraveller · 17/08/2023 21:31

Oh wow! Its so great that you are all so supportive of his plans!! Maybe I need to take my soppy head off and think practically

I think if you're going to be clingy and needy, you need to end it now. He's not obliged to forfeit his dream lifestyle to hang around home.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/08/2023 00:07

Ragwort · 17/08/2023 22:45

All of this.

MarshyMcMarshFace · 18/08/2023 00:22

‘Despite his age’ is ridiculous even if he is 58.

I don’t know if it would be a dealbreaker for me until I tried it. And neither will you. It might be OK, it might not.

You don’t sound 100% as if you have the same outlook, you sound like someone who prefers to stay where you have a signal, and to have daily contact. He doesn’t.

I suspect there will be tension around being at different stages of your life, you are tied to work while he is off living his best life without you.

I’m surprised his trips are only two weeks at a time.

StBrides · 18/08/2023 00:29

I get you, op.

On the one hand I'd love that he was so adventurous, free and support him fully. On the other, I'd feel that he was uncompromising and unwilling to build a life together, just have me along for the ride.

He's not doing anything wrong, but at the same time it feels like his priority is not a relationship.

SD1978 · 18/08/2023 01:02

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, as you never know what is actually going to happen- maybe you'll love it, maybe you won't. Maybe he'll love it, maybe he won't. I would continue with the relationship, until it didn't work for me, but I wouldn't assume it didn't work.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 18/08/2023 01:22

Maybe just take every day as it comes. You might enjoy the time to yourself and occasionally go somewhere with him. If you aren’t happy once he has started travelling you can end the relationship.

skinnytobe · 18/08/2023 03:33

I met my DP just over 2 years ago, he was honest about his job from the beginning.

We had 6 weeks of dating before he went off to sea for two months. We chatted most days via what's app.

It worked well. I think it made the "dating" stage longer, we still date even though we're living together and getting married next year,

He's away for two months, home for two months,

It's quite nice because I was very much struggling with the idea of giving up my "single" life, but I love having him home. And although I miss him horribly when he's away. It's quite nice to have the house to myself, and do as I please :) and when he's home and I'm still working he picks up the slack

TacCat49 · 18/08/2023 04:16

How wonderful that you have met a man who is financially secure, is fit and has a sense of adventure. And hes planned it all. No sitting on his arse, etc etc. When you look at all the prats around it's a nice change to see someone who is doing something that is enriching his life.

harerunner · 18/08/2023 06:09

Wanderingtraveller · 17/08/2023 21:31

Oh wow! Its so great that you are all so supportive of his plans!! Maybe I need to take my soppy head off and think practically

By they aren't you. It's irrelevant if other posters would be fine with it. It's whether you would be. If you're not sure, then I don't see why you can't just see how it goes.

It's a bit like asking "I'm not sure I want kids" and get replies back saying "I'd love kids!" and letting that push you into having kids.... You need to do what works for you, not what works for randoms on MN.

Let me go off every two weeks of every month and evaluate how you are feeling about it in couple of months. You've been together 8 months and it's 3 months til he retires, so I don't think this is an issue.

harerunner · 18/08/2023 06:11

"Let him go off" not me obviously... though that sounds good :)

MarshyMcMarshFace · 18/08/2023 08:07

I meant to say, there is a lot of reaction to your age comment, and I wondered if your own plans for retirement involve a big sigh of relief and pottering happily between your gardening and a novel. Which is fine, but maybe makes you less compatible.

Also, you are 18 years of state pension age. Will he still be up for an adventure once you have the time?

But who knows. If you find the way his life is planned works for you, if he finds that actually he would rather spend more time with you than travelling, if he decides to share his pension pot and make it possible for you to stop work and go with him, any number of happy endings are possible.

But you do have doubts so the bottom line is if it doesn’t work for you, if he never compromises, if you feel like the convenient pit stop before his next exciting lap, if you can’t cope with his being away so much, then walk away.

smartiesneberhadtheanswer · 18/08/2023 08:20

Two weeks to yourself sounds perfect but I wouldn't love the ten year age gap, he'll likely die 15-20 years before you.

MeetMyCat · 18/08/2023 08:26

StBrides · 18/08/2023 00:29

I get you, op.

He's not doing anything wrong, but at the same time it feels like his priority is not a relationship.

This

Zanatdy · 18/08/2023 08:30

Wouldn’t bother me at all, I’ve got a busy life anyway with friends etc. I think he sounds great

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