Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guy can't believe I like him

32 replies

zarazara87 · 17/08/2023 21:15

So I really like this guy I initiated it. He's not my usual type but I've been in awful relationship last one was abusive. I've took time and healed. This guy can't believe I'm interested in him. We have had too dates and are on our 3rd day tomorrow night.

He honestly tells me he's lucky and he can't believe it. He's low in confidence and when we talk we both have a wall up slightly from past hurt.

How do I make him feel good about his self. He doesn't fish for compliments or out like that it's just he doesn't see how amazing he is.

OP posts:
DatingDinosaur · 18/08/2023 07:25

You don’t. His lack of confidence isn’t your problem to fix.

TBH, if he’s telling you he can’t believe you’re interested in him after only 2 dates – that IS fishing for compliments. Doesn’t mean he’s not as keen as you but, put the brakes on, you’ve not even had date 3 yet!

Youwho2 · 18/08/2023 07:31

I agree with @DatingDinosaur . You need to slow down. You've been on 2 date. He might not be a wonderful as you think. Just take it slowly and be cautious. Don't get me wrong enjoy dating but also look our for red flags.

@zarazara87 did you do the freedom programme after your last relationship?

Original poster
zarazara87 · 18/08/2023 08:37

No I didn't do the freedom but had extensive therapy and EMDR.

This is very slow compared to ex previous guy loved bombed me. Had me in a bad place.

This new guy is completely the opposite he's lovely. Very respectful taking things very slow.

I know every trick in the book from my ex I think now he is different. Confident in general and in his Job but very shy when it comes to dating. I'm so hyper alert I look in to every thing

OP posts:
Dery · 18/08/2023 08:51

@zarazara87 - You’ve only had a few dates with this guy but you’re already posting for advice on how to boost his confidence. That’s not healthy. As a PP said, it’s not your job to boost his confidence or do anything in relation to him. You scarcely know him. And he’s not your child and not a project. And it makes you vulnerable - this could so easily stray into him telling you what to wear, how to behave, not to speak to other men etc all in the name of boosting his confidence.

This guy may be great but you’re still very vulnerable to being sucked into an abusive relationship because of your desire to make him feel better about himself. Please do the Freedom Programme. Take a look at Women Who Love Too Much.

sodthesodoff · 18/08/2023 08:55

Dery · 18/08/2023 08:51

@zarazara87 - You’ve only had a few dates with this guy but you’re already posting for advice on how to boost his confidence. That’s not healthy. As a PP said, it’s not your job to boost his confidence or do anything in relation to him. You scarcely know him. And he’s not your child and not a project. And it makes you vulnerable - this could so easily stray into him telling you what to wear, how to behave, not to speak to other men etc all in the name of boosting his confidence.

This guy may be great but you’re still very vulnerable to being sucked into an abusive relationship because of your desire to make him feel better about himself. Please do the Freedom Programme. Take a look at Women Who Love Too Much.

This

You sound lovely and very caring. Which sadly makes you a target for narcs.

It's not a normal response after two dates to be trying to boost your dates confidence.

Just because he isn't an out and out narc doesn't mean he's a nice guy. The freedom programme is excellent.

pickledandpuzzled · 18/08/2023 08:55

I agree with PPs.

In fact, you are in danger of love bombing him.

You have learned some unhealthy attitudes and need to pause and take check.

Do the freedom program. Slow down. This is the time when you find out if you get on easily, not when you work at protecting your investment.

Original poster
zarazara87 · 18/08/2023 09:34

Omg what a mess I'm in I'll have a look at the freedom thank you! I don't want to be love bombing any one ☹️

OP posts:
anotheranotheranotheranother · 18/08/2023 09:37

Huge red flags all round here. I wouldn't see him again. He doesn't have low confidence he is looking for an ego massage and manipulating you. It will only escalate. If he can control what you are saying to him now (he has already made it just about him) then before long he will be controlling what you do.

Blossomandbee · 18/08/2023 10:01

I would worry he's the kind of guy that the minute you get feelings for him, would suddenly go cold and drop the 'you're too good for me.' 'It's not you it's me' lines.

If you like him and think it's genuine then go very slowly and keep working on yourself. I've been a people fixer myself so I understand, but these 'projects' rarely change or work out well!

HerMammy · 18/08/2023 10:04

I wouldn't bother with the 3rd date, he sounds tiresome and needy. Aim
higher!

whybotheratall · 18/08/2023 10:06

Be careful. I have been with a guy who was looking like nothing, no insult intended , compared to my looks as a woman. He was humble and good and everything, until we lived together for a year and some hidden gems appeared along the line........humility can be fake

Original poster
zarazara87 · 18/08/2023 10:07

He's a lovely guy, hard working been in a couple of shitty relationships we're he's been hurt and cheated on.

He's kind sweet, but now I'm worrying I'm missing something.

I actually approached him because I liked him and wanted to start dating. He was completely oblivious that I liked him and said I can't believe you actually like me. He said he feels insecure because I have a better job than him have a successful career. But that doesn't bother me.

The narc ex was very high in his career earned loads of money but abused me emotionally the career and money isn't what drew me to him he just had a sweet personality. He just is low on confidence.

Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I am for dating I'm not sure

OP posts:
OrlandointheWilderness · 18/08/2023 10:39

Well given there isn't actually that much to go on, I can't believe posters on here are so keen to torpedo this! Does he treat you well? Is he respectful? Maybe he only said it in passing, my (very lovely!) DP said similar when we got together and it certainly wasn't manipulation!!!!

AllOfThemWitches · 18/08/2023 10:45

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/08/2023 10:39

Well given there isn't actually that much to go on, I can't believe posters on here are so keen to torpedo this! Does he treat you well? Is he respectful? Maybe he only said it in passing, my (very lovely!) DP said similar when we got together and it certainly wasn't manipulation!!!!

I was just thinking that! 'Ltb' seems the default position for many.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2023 10:47

This new guy is completely the opposite he's lovely. Very respectful taking things very slow.

Its only been 2 dates...

I agree with the others. It's not your place to boost his confidence beyond the very normal affirmations that are usual in the early stages of daring (eg I like you, you're good company, etc).

Be very wary of becoming emotionally invested in someone who isn't able to care of their own emotional state at the most very basic level.

Maybe he only said it in passing, my (very lovely!) DP said similar when we got together and it certainly wasn't manipulation!!!

My partner told me he couldn't believe I liked him and feels.very lucky to have me too. But he's never mentioned his 'lower status' job or did it before even the third date had happened. It doesn't sound like this man has said it once in passing to me. Does it really sound like it to you? It sounds like it's happened often enough for her to notice it, think it's odd and start a thread on it. All before date 3.

ChristmasFluff · 18/08/2023 10:56

More importantly than PPs making judgments on this man on minimal information, OP is making judgments on the basis of 2 dates - that is minimal information too.

OP, although you think you know all the tricks, you only know the tricks employed by the man who abused you. You've missed a potentially huge trick here - the 'prove how much you love me' manipulation.

As this plays out, any time you do something he doesn't like, he will play the 'see! I knew you weren't really interested in me!' So you keep on increasing your efforts to show him your interest / love.

I'd actually call his bluff - 'well I'd love to know how you can say that when you don't even know who I am yet?' This will remind you that you don't know him yet either.

You want a partner, not a project - as others have said, his possibly fake lack of confidence is not yours to fix.

Grenola · 18/08/2023 10:56

I’ve had this, and at first I thought it was sweet and just brushed it away. But he low confidence and our possible mis match just fed his esteem issues and he needed up needing so much emotional support. It just became toxic and it was such a shame and horrible breakup. My gut feeling about our mis match told me from the start it wasn’t gonna work. Our feelings for each other were so strong but his low confidence just showed we were in different levels.

I hope this isn’t the same for u, but please don’t fall into the trap of soothing him constantly. This neediness packaged as ‘I’m so lucky, can’t believe my luck, you are amazing’ is worrying so neeninto your relationship. It shouldn’t have even come up

x

pickledandpuzzled · 18/08/2023 10:56

Absolutely not saying ditch him- he may well be really nice and turn out to be a good 'un!

But OP's concern suggests she may not be quite in the right place yet.

The idea that she needs to 'do' something about him is not the healthiest at this stage, that's all.

Give it a bit longer. Keep it casual, you've both been hurt, don't rush. Let it happen.

jellybeans44 · 18/08/2023 10:56

He feels insecure because you have a better job? So he's mysogynistic too then? This whole "can't believe you like me" trope combined with other insecurities can very quickly lead to controlling behaviour due to jealousy so I'd tread very carefully.

jellybeans44 · 18/08/2023 10:57

misogynistic*

Grenola · 18/08/2023 10:58

P.s

In the end if wasn’t our ‘difference’ it was his reaction to it and how it became a narrative that couldn’t leave

anotheranotheranotheranother · 18/08/2023 11:03

zarazara87 · 18/08/2023 10:07

He's a lovely guy, hard working been in a couple of shitty relationships we're he's been hurt and cheated on.

He's kind sweet, but now I'm worrying I'm missing something.

I actually approached him because I liked him and wanted to start dating. He was completely oblivious that I liked him and said I can't believe you actually like me. He said he feels insecure because I have a better job than him have a successful career. But that doesn't bother me.

The narc ex was very high in his career earned loads of money but abused me emotionally the career and money isn't what drew me to him he just had a sweet personality. He just is low on confidence.

Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought I am for dating I'm not sure

Lovely guys don't start manipulating you into thinking you are too good for them 2 dates in. It's worrying you consider him lovely and kind at this stage as you don't know him anywhere near enough to make that judgement and the signs he is giving out are all negative. Take a step back from this one because it sounds as if you are willing it to work rather then looking at it objectively because of history.

Nice kind men do not act like this man. The only type of person who gives off the 'can't believe you like me' vibe is a manipulator.

Olika · 18/08/2023 11:16

Stop. Breath. Take each date as it comes. Don't think what it could be, just concentrate getting to know him on each date and then decide if you want to meet him again. And again. Get to know him for who he really is, not a fantasy you create.

JibbaJab · 18/08/2023 11:33

He may be genuinely shy or low confidence like I am but bear in mind there are covert narcs and they play that role.

That's how I ended up in my marriage with my wife, I thought that I found someone who was like me, shy and without confidence. Only, she wasn't actually that at all and didn't show her true colours until we were married. She wasn't extroverted but extremely head strong, opinionated, stubborn and without empathy. Everything before hand was love bombing in a different style and she turned out very abusive.

I also recently learned that the past partners she claimed to be cheaters and horrible people were in fact not and faced the same abuse I got.

As said he may not be but be careful of the coverts because they play that very well. Mine is still doing it now to new friends and strangers and they have no idea.

itsmyp4rty · 18/08/2023 11:43

Low self esteem should be a huge red flag IMO. You probably like him because he seems like the complete opposite to your ex - but are you aware of covert narcissists? Not saying he is one of course but low self esteem is at the heart of any narc, it's why their huge ego constantly needs attention. But with covert narcs their huge ego is better hidden and their ways of getting the supply they crave is more subtle.

You want someone stable who has a positive view of themselves and a positive view of relationships. I've learnt the hard way that anything else - no matter how sweet/kind/complimentary they seem on the surface is just asking for trouble.