To think a new house post separation will make a difference?

[howmanytimes34]

I posted this on AIBU but no responses ( I guess it's not exactly a fascinating topic 😅) so trying here...

Going through a difficult separation from my husband, we have two young kids.

I think our family house will have to be sold. It is a lovely house, but I think I hate it, if that makes sense. But I'm so unhappy generally it is hard to tell.

I fantasise about moving into a new house on my own (with the kids) even though it will be much smaller and much less nice , in a less nice area.

Am I kidding myself that I will be happier?

I just want to prepare myself mentally if I don't feel better, but instead feel depressed as I'll still have to deal with my arsehole husband and the fall out for my kids, but from a crappier living situation.

What were other people's experiences?

I think when we go through big emotional changes, physical changes can help us to move on like a physical manifestation of how we're feeling. The old house might hold too many memories and a new environment could be something to look forward to, a new project, a new aesthetic, a way to reinvent yourself and get to know yourself again... the same way we often get a haircut or new clothes when we break up with someone. To me, it's a healthy part of moving on, and if your heart is really tugging towards a new house, I say go for it! You sound like your ready for the next chapter of your life. Good luck!

Yes - I moved to a smaller house and it felt so good to have a fresh start and not be surrounded by all the old memories. As an added bonus, it also meant that I didn’t have to sort through all the junk/crap that had accumulated in the family home and all the building issues (exH stayed put). But you have to be prepared to help your kids with the adjustment because it’s a lot of upheaval especially if that’s the only house they’ve ever known.

The removal men are taking my boxes to a van as we speak.

new house will be smaller and I’ll be poorer, but it will be MINE (and dcs) and already I’m mentally detaching from this lovely house where my marriage ended.

@LividHot oh, good luck! that is how i hope to feel

@Alphyn there is crap everywhere here too (hoarder husband), and i'd love just to walk away from it all. hope your kids are doing ok

men take up quite a bit of space so you’ll probably find the new house size fine.
good luck hope it all goes well

I moved from a big house to a small flat after separation. I absolutely love it, everything here is mine and chosen by me. No one else's junk and no horrible memories. It also takes half the time to clean and maintain. Good luck!

I stayed in the family home for the first 2 years post separation but then I got my own new place and ExH moved back to the family home (with his brand new and pregnant girlfriend) - that's a whole other story!! I was so so worried about it all and I had to wanted to stay in the family home especially as I have majority custody. Anyway, my new house is smaller, in a less nice area and guess what... The kids prefer it here and I am so much happier. I feel so proud of my home, that I bought all alone and made my own. I don't think I realised what an important move it was for me... It very much signified the start of something new.

I can’t comment from how you will feel after your divorce, but I can say that the favourite house I’ve ever lived in was objectively in a worse area and smaller than others I’ve lived in, so it’s definitely not linear that the bigger and more expensive will make you happier.

@howmanytimes34 a house is just 4 walls and it's as happy as you make it. I've known some very miserable situations in families with massive houses in lovely areas - and the reverse. It doesn't matter how big your house is or what a great area it is if nothing else in your life feels right.

I moved out too and ex dh stayed in our family home. I didn’t realise it at the time, but a lot of my angst early on was the thought of having to stay in the house. Once I made the decision that I be the one to move out (couldn’t have afforded to buy him out anyway) I felt such a sense of calm.

The house I bought isn’t quite as big and the estate isn’t quite as nice but i bloody LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Zero regrets here.

Thanks everyone for your positive messages!

I feel happier just scanning Rightmove, but then the old fear of change kicks in, the fear that lead me to stay with dickhead for years.

But you have all said what i suspected, that it will feel so happy and proud that it is MINE, with no compromises (read: his crap everywhere)

I’ve just spent the 2nd night in my new home post separation.

It’s objectively less beautiful but it is fresh and new. I was emotional but I feel good that it’s my space. The children are excited to have their own rooms for the first time which helps.

I’m grateful to be able to have somewhere to go. The joy of freedom will come I’m sure.

Good luck.

I loved moving.

Suddenly I could redecorate with colour instead of the boring white ex was addicted to.

I had creative freedom. I could change cushions & curtains, buy rugs and pictures.

I could turn the radio on loud and dance in the kitchen with ds in arms. I could open windows at 6am and listen to birdsong.

It was bloody brilliant. I could breathe 😊

I'm in a new smaller house post divorce.

Fucking love it.

It's MINE! and so much easier to clean and heat!

@MintJulia yes, I want to feel I can breathe!!

Instead of quietly screaming inside as he invades my space, makes a mess, and questions every little thing I do

I can sacrifice a utility room for FREEDOM!

I moved into a smaller house with my young children. Like everyone else has said, it's mine, full of things I chose, none of my ex's crap lying about everywhere. I LOVE my house. I've been here over ten years now, and every time I come in, inside my head I still say "I love my home so much!" The main difference is the peace, calm and sense of safety.

I moved to a worse area into a smaller house. I love it.

I can actually afford to move, which was the plan and chosen to stay here. My home is my happy place.

Echo all of these! Left my marital home. Now in a small council house. It's mine. My space!. Everything in here is colourful and joyful. I wake up smiling.
My DC are calmer and happier. The area is smaller but so much nicer.

Just focus on the vision of how life will be one you are on the other side - Joyful!

Last night in fmh.

Loving this thread to give me a positive vibe for morning 🥰

@LividHot all the best, you will be fine 🥰.

I envy you OP. Me and ex split last year and i have remained in the family home. Believe me if i could have moved i would have but pretty much stuck here.

Everything is a memory and the whole house needs decorating (ex was a lazy shite). I hated being here even though i previously loved this house. Getting rid of exs stuff and his hoarding was a major step the house still has the memories, the furniture we chose, the sofa he sat on, the good times, the bad times.

Its getting better, i have started to decorate and i am planning new carpets, i dont have much money so its going to take time.

Good luck op, if i could have moved i would have.

I have reached the point that I don't care where I live provided it is mine.

Mine to paint any colour, mine to have whatever furniture I like, mine to have pretty plants everywhere, mine where it will stay clean, mine where it will stay tidy, mine without literal rubbish everywhere includingdirty tissues, mine where I can do minimal repairs to, mine where everything isn't broken or ripped or dirty oily handprints that are impossible to clean off properly, mine that won't have chipped paint.

Mine. Not his to piss over. But mine.

What would you look forward to OP?

I left a lovely Victorian detached house in a very lovely part of the country. After leaving my husband I couldn't afford anything there, so moved and bought a tiny 2 bed terrace in a decent part of the country.

Happiness was off the scale just to have something that was mine, and wasn't tainted with his presence.

I think you'll be fine. 🙂

Oh my goodness, this was me 13 years ago. Sold the family home in divorce and bought something MUCH smaller for me and 2 kids. But I loved my new house because it was MINE. Not as fancy as family home (it was ex council) but I could decorate how I wanted, buy furniture to my liking etc etc. I remember excitedly getting a tool box for doing my own DIY.

I met a new man 9 years ago, we married 3 years ago and have pooled resources and bought a new house together in a lovely village but I still look back fondly on my time in my run down ex council home.

After my split I remodelled the home I’m still in
made a major difference

staying happy is an uphill slog for most people
but keep the faith
keep working
and practice immense self care