How long before being introduced to partners children?

Drummend01 · 2023-08-17T12:54:28+00:00

How long into a relationship would you consider reasonable to be introduced to partners child (8 year old) who lives with them 50% of the time? Great coparenting relationship but haven’t been together since toddler stage and child has only been introduced to one other partner at 4-5 years old that they don’t really remember

HamishTheCamel · 17/08/2023 13:59

Not too early (for the child's benefit) but not too late either, as if it doesn't go well then it could be a deal breaker so best to find out. I'd say around 9 months ish.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2023 13:59

6 months? Take it slowly and casually, trip to the park or a coffee, see how it goes and build up gradually.

KatesCoke · 17/08/2023 14:06

I think don’t make a big fuss of it and do it when you’re relatively sure the relationship has legs.

Its nor just the children who need to adjust. But also the potential step parent needs to meet the kids and gauge whether or not they think they can deal with the kids and continuing the relationship.

One thing I really regret is meeting my SS so late. We’d been together 8 months. It was only when I met SS that I saw the dynamic play out of what blending actually looked like.

I have my own kids now and they meet loads of people causally they never see again - it’s the adults who make it into a big deal in this scenario.

Uptoyou34 · 17/08/2023 14:07

You will probably get lots of comments on here to wait at least a year, but in all honesty I wouldn't wait that long. If you are both serious about each other then maybe 4-6 months? There's no point dating someone for 18 months, then meeting the children and realising it's not for you at all. Just a waste of everybody's time.

I suggest something fun for the first meet too. When I met my now DSD who was 6 at the time, we went bowling and I was just 'Daddy's friend' for the first few meets. She soon realised as she saw me more & more I was his gf. Good luck OP.

BananaSlug · 17/08/2023 14:09

6 months

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 17/08/2023 14:15

6 months and introduce the partner in a way that doesn't put pressure on the child. If you make a big deal of them being your boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever child feels cornered into having to like and accept them which I always think is really unfair. As a pp has said keep it casual and introduce them more like a friend who comes along on play dates. They both need time to get comfortable and check out whether it can work and they will get along.

SpringleDingle · 17/08/2023 14:18

I'd say between 8 and 12 months and then initially just as a "friend" so for the odd day out. I'd avoid overnights for at least a year, maybe 18 months to 2 years.

This is different for older kids when they understand better what is going on and can more clearly articulate their opinion. I had a boyfriend when DD was 8 and really carefully and very slowly introduced them and it went fine until he started staying over which she hated so we stopped. The relationship ended after a couple of years (unrelated to DD).

I started a new relationship when my DD was 12 and she is so much more aware now. I told her I had a date and after a couple of months when she knew I had been dating the same guy she asked to meet the new boyfriend. He and I are 8 months in now and he's met DD a few times and she really likes him but he doesn't stay over at mine when she is home. He is my boyfriend and not her stepdad. I don't think he will ever move in with me and DD, she prefers not to do that and I respect her decision.

Alphyn · 17/08/2023 14:54

At that age, around 6 months seems reasonable although it really does depend on how the new boyfriend or girlfriend is introduced (probably too early in the relationship to be referring to that person as a “partner”). An 8-year old can understand the concept of a bf/gf and I think it helps if the child knows their parent has been dating and understands that it’s a process of getting to know the other person well enough to see if they’re compatible. It’s much harder for them to accept/adjust if the new partner is presented as a fait accompli (I always think of David Copperfield meeting his stepfather for the first time).

I suppose you could introduce someone as “just a friend” but an 8-year old probably won’t fall for it (my DC certainly would have seen right through that ruse so I didn’t bother). As PP have said, keep it light and casual, take it slow and don’t push the pace - the worst thing would be for the child to get overly attached if the relationship doesn’t have long-term potential. The dynamic between the child and bf/gf will also influence how the relationship moves forward (or not).

Original poster

Drummend01 · 17/08/2023 15:13

Thanks everyone, I’m in no rush and will be letting him set the pace as it’s his child but was curious as to other people’s perspectives as this is a new dynamic for me

Yes staying over will be in the further future, we live quite close and I have my own house so we would keep nights together to when he is child free at my house. We both have dogs and DPs child is animal mad so I imagine the first handful of meetings will be dog walks and visits to the park, nothing too serious. We will navigate that when the time is right 😊

OP posts:

Sharletonz · 17/08/2023 15:22

I also would just suggest taking it at the child's pace also, don't try and be their mum when you do get to that stage also!
Good luck, hope it goes well when you get to it.

RayofSunshine18 · 17/08/2023 15:26

I think it's more of a 'when it feels right'. There is no right or wrong but as others have said, keep it light - I drip fed my partner into my daughter's life after about 6 months, she was only 3 so quite young but now its like he's always been there and they have a lovely relationship. Good luck :)

gogomoto · 17/08/2023 15:28

Not until you are serious but that could mean a few weeks or a few months, we all are different

Original poster

Drummend01 · 17/08/2023 15:58

@Sharletonz i will definitely not be trying to be a mum to them, they’ve got a great mum and lots of other people in their life that would be much closer to them. I’m sure our relationship would develop over time but I’d be approaching it as more of a friend, keeping it lighthearted with no pressure

OP posts:

Original poster

Drummend01 · 17/08/2023 16:04

A further question that’s come to mind…
If it was your child, would you want to meet the partner before your child does? I would have no issues with that and understand it might be a bit weird for her if her child came home talking about me when she has never met me. Obviously she would be told about me and that I would be meeting the child before hand, DP and her are good at communicating

OP posts:

CapEBarra · 17/08/2023 16:57

Mine were about 7 and 9. I waited about a year. I wanted to be as sure as I could be that my DP was going to be around for a long time and that we were comfortable together, that I was very serious about him, and that he was ‘worthy’ of being with my children (I don’t mean that in a ‘the precious children’ kind of way) but that he would be a good and kind adult figure in their lives. And it has paid off in spades. They have a great hands on dad so he was never going to take his place, but he is brilliant at all the things my ex and I aren’t - helping my DD learn to drive, building originally Lego and now computers with my DS, taking us on trips, etc. He has been a real asset and addition to my children’s (and my!) lives and we love him. He fitted in perfectly.

KatesCoke · 18/08/2023 14:23

Drummend01 · 17/08/2023 16:04

A further question that’s come to mind…
If it was your child, would you want to meet the partner before your child does? I would have no issues with that and understand it might be a bit weird for her if her child came home talking about me when she has never met me. Obviously she would be told about me and that I would be meeting the child before hand, DP and her are good at communicating

Consider why you’d want to do that. Is it for the benefit of the child or is it to satisfy a desire in you, as parent to be in control?

If you didn’t like them what are you going to do?

I’m not saying don’t meet them - I just think the need to meet them before the child and having all these conditions on meeting your exes new partner just adds extra pressure to everyone, kids included.

Keep it bright, keep it breezy!

Deargodletitgo · 18/08/2023 16:18

I had no expectations to meet my exes new partner before the kids did, and my kids met my DP at about 4 months, I met his kids a little sooner.

ChocolateTea · 21/08/2023 09:19

4-6 months for us and it worked well. My ex actually told the kids my then boyfriend existed before I did, I don’t think he was being malicious, he just introduced his girlfriend after weeks so was surprised I hadn’t. They were young so were asleep before boyfriend would come over, or we would go out when they were at their dads.

Both new partnerships worked out so 10-15 years down the line the children have only ever been introduced to those two people.

jojogoesbust · 21/08/2023 09:29

Mine are older, so he met my daughter (19) about 2 months in, the my DS (13) about a month later. He has no children

Someoneonlyyouknow · 21/08/2023 09:42

You could meet them very casually while dog walking and it wouldn't be a big deal at all. I think it's a good idea to keep meetings short to start with, as you live near each other. Also ensure that the DC have majority of their time with their dad without you, unless you are actually living together.

Runningonjammiedodgers · 21/08/2023 09:42

Don't introduce yourself as a friend. An 8 year old will cotton on pretty quick so just be honest from the start. No need to meet the other parent. I would suggest it to show willing and then leave it and see.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 21/08/2023 09:55

At least a year. If not 2. You need to be as confident as humanly possible that you’re going to last. I think you need to ideally have seen how they handle day to day challenges, seen their boundaries be tested by whatever comes along in their own life & any that may occur as a couple etc (I’m not saying you should test their boundaries, I just mean observe how they handle whatever natural challenges that may occur within the relationship). I would also want to have seen how they handle conflict but again, I’m not suggesting causing any! 😆 Only time can reveal these things. It’s impossible to discover them within a short period of time.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 21/08/2023 09:57

jojogoesbust · 21/08/2023 09:29

Mine are older, so he met my daughter (19) about 2 months in, the my DS (13) about a month later. He has no children

That’s appalling you cannot possibly know someone well enough within 2 months! That’s 8 weeks ffs

KatesCoke · 21/08/2023 10:26

AlfietheSchnauzer · 21/08/2023 09:55

At least a year. If not 2. You need to be as confident as humanly possible that you’re going to last. I think you need to ideally have seen how they handle day to day challenges, seen their boundaries be tested by whatever comes along in their own life & any that may occur as a couple etc (I’m not saying you should test their boundaries, I just mean observe how they handle whatever natural challenges that may occur within the relationship). I would also want to have seen how they handle conflict but again, I’m not suggesting causing any! 😆 Only time can reveal these things. It’s impossible to discover them within a short period of time.

What about the new partner - how can they possibly know the ins and outs of taking on a partner with children if they’re sheltered from them for two years?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 10:38

Personally I’d not rush this
it’s really not essential to meet them
it really isn’t

unless it’s logistically necessary , in which case depends on the child and how solid relationship is