Do you ever fully recover from narcissistic abuse?

[Whydothat1]

I left in 2019, but spent years at court and share a child so I’m not free of him. Although I’m much better, a lot of my ptsd have gone I still suffer. It’s the lost time and the opportunities I’ve missed out on because of those 15 years. I’ve changed and not always for the better. I can’t love or trust as much, life is less soft.

I can no longer be the person who I was. That person was so carefree and gentle, I’m harder now. I get jealous of people who have supportive partners, I’m annoyed at myself. I could have had such a good life if I never met him. I’ve got good things in my life now but so many bad memories and regret.

It's too early for me to say, I left mine 6 months ago. Every time I feel like I am getting better he throws another grenade. We have kids and share custody so like you, I will never be free of him. Feeling quite down about it all just now to be honest.

I think sometimes it's just bad luck, in life there are always random events that happen, in your case it was trusting someone who turned out to decieve you.

You can't erase the past but hopefully you can learn from it.

Take pleasure now in what is calm and safe.
One day at a time, you are still recovering.

Stephanie Lynn on Youtube has some very good advice that has really helped me. I have been through the same although thankfully no children, but that is a whole other thing because I wonder if I ever will now.

Not free of mine either because of messy legal issues with our house and neighbours and mis-selling that needs handling first before the sale.

You do get over it. One step at a time.

It's just about taking the control back and moving forward in every way that you can. I share a child with my narc ex as well and if you can afford it, 100% get some therapy. It helped me push through and be a better & kinder mother.

He will continue to try and remain in control of your life for as long as he can, especially when your child is concerned as he knows that is the best way to get to you.

You need to find techniques that work for you to be able to ignore it. Its hard and it is a long road but you will get there.

@MumLass oh at 6 months I was in the midst of a mental breakdown so I feel for you it’s a tough time.

@RayofSunshine18 it’s not so much him anymore. He tries to control the narrative and tells our daughter all sorts of lies. It used to trigger me but I really couldn’t care less anymore.

Im more gutted about what I’ve missed out in. An old uni friend contacted me recently and said he had a crush on me back then, what 20 years back. It’s got me thinking what my life could have been if only meeting the right person. So much lost potential.

I thought the same, but look forward not backwards, always always forwards.

I've wasted the last 5 years of my child bearing time on a man who abused me and couldn't have children anyway, but I was prepared to accept it for a happy life with him. I often feel the same as you but I look at now. I'm not on my deathbed, i'm not laid up in bed, I have the freedom to go outside and go wherever I please - there is only today. x

@roses321 I did end up getting unwell from the abuse and developed fatigue and pain issues but I am trying.

I got mentally very unwell from abuse also, I was not a happy person and I got weird pain and constant tiredness, even if I slept for a whole night I woke up exhausted as though I hadn't slept at all.

You have to give yourself time but also try to help your mindset by focusing differently. Seriously give Stephanie Lynn a try on Youtube she is so very helpful and has a lovely way of refocusing your mindset to something constructive and positive. Her videos have given me so much strength.

What is in front of you is more freedom than you ever had with him. I promise you that.

Also when you think of the lost potential, try to regulate that with the gained potential.

I am 3 months out of an abusive relationship myself, it is still very hard, I am very lonely a lot of the time and really sad about everything I have lost, this is a very hard time but I also know that it is what I make it.

The fact you are suffering with pain and unwellness is not going to help things but be nice to yourself, do not judge yourself for decisions that you made to be with someone - it is not your fault.

Also listen to Dr Ramani on youtube she specialises in Narc abuse and she's just released a new video called Why you Missed the Red Flags - it may help you a lot with what you're feeling right now. You may be surprised.

Huge hugs to you. You sound like you need a good cuddle. You have it from me. x

I’m six yrs in. The feeling of so much precious time when I was younger was wasted on a narcissist but I didn’t see it. It wasn’t until he left I had to see a psychiatrist type thing who really helped me see threw the fog. For years after I had the usual crap child court. Then 3/4 years ago it all came out, yes he was a coke head he had done the same thing to the next woman. I felt vindicated. He holds no power over me. However, I’m still not the person I used to be, but getting back there. I blocked his flying monkeys way back kept his emails in a folder just in case he changes his narrative in the future to the kids. He doesn’t see them regularly maybe 3 times this year.
The best thing I’m free of him and the monkeys. So much happier and peaceful.

The thing is, the reason you stayed with him was because of something inside you that told you you should. Something that told you to ignore the feelings you had about him, that told you that the relationship didn't feel right, you didn't like how you were being treated, your life felt messed up etc.

You have got rid of him, but have you dealt with that part of yourself?

It strikes me from what you wrote that you don't have your own back, and that perhaps nobody has ever had your back. That's what you need to work on. Not 'getting over the relationship'. The relationship was a symptom, not the problem.

Yes but it can take a long time and you might always live with regret

I'm not sure I'm four months in, I feel better than I did but I'm kinda void almost, empty.

I got very sick had been for years unexplained illness and now I'm not sick any more it seems.

Problem is, mine was my wife and she has my children and withholding, I have been fully erased. So now I'm having to go on the offensive and chase my narc through court😕

I'm about eight years on.

It's made me harder and a lot less trusting of people.

In scenarios I'm always planning for the worst and I'm still very insecure.

i'm a year and a half later and feeling worse than i did at the beginning of the year tbh. i still have nightmares and i had a nmo and he is now 3h drive away so i'm so well rid but he broke me and i can't fix myself and i feel bad about going to therapy as i'd literally be paying someone to watch me cry. (good job tbh!!!)

it's so tough. thinking of everyone who's going through this shit. shit shit shit shit shit is what it is. let's flush!! (god, how profound)

You might. It's not always the case. I've said for a long time that if I bumped into my abuser, all I'd have to say would be 'thank you' (I wouldn't actually say it, I'd say nothing)

The hardness you describe is the loss of your naïveté. It's something to be grateful for. You've realised that life isn't a soft cushion, and that you need boundaries in order to be fully responsible for your own well-being. It's a very valuable lesson, if you choose to accept it, rather than feel bitter about it.

I have overcome it, but I’m 2 years out and have no ties with him at all. And I’ve forgiven myself.

I'm 7 months out but he's not my kids father. I'm feeling a lot better in myself, the rumination & should have done this seems to have stopped but it still gets me at times. I do feel a deep sadness & feel like part of me died, the person who truly loved & put blind faith in another person. I'm not that person now, I'm a more cautious version of myself, confident at having got through it but totally aware of how vulnerable I must be deep down & way too scared to date. It feels like my heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces & I'm not sure what love will feel like in the future or if it's even possible for me now

It has changed me as a person, it shook my confidence for a long time, I'm less trusting and very wary of relationships now. I get what you're saying as I think he took and ruined many good and prime years of my life. But I'm grateful for who I am today, as life is good now and grateful for my dcs, and even a normal day seems great without all his crap and drama in it. So things are getting better all the time.

I left my exh in 2010 and was extremely poorly with ptsd for 3 years- yes kicked in 6ish months after leaving. I can honestly say I am completely recovered since 2020. Few thoughts about it. 10 years of different therapies. Compassion focussed therapy was my last one, ending in 2020 and I've never had anxiety since. I suspect it was a time thing rather than the therapy itself, but I can't believe I am fully better when there was a year I couldn't even dress myself and attempted suicide. Please be kind to yourself.

Volunteering at a domestic violence shelter helped me to overcome some issues. It made me realize even as damaged as I felt I could effect positive change in someone else.

I understand you totally. I can't imagine breaking down the walls I've built and falling truly in love again. I am very jaded

The recovery process has changed me fundamentally. I'm more informed - about myself and people in general - and a lot more sceptical. On balance, I'm pleased to have learned so much about psychology and human diversity, while also sad at my loss of 'innocence', for want of a better word.

I have ongoing health problems which were definitely worsened by the experience. And, boy, do I sympathise with what you said about missed opportunities! That said, the same factors that made me vulnerable to abuse led me to overlook the good guys.

I dunno about anyone else but I'm seeing everything in a different light now. Myself, my own issues of why I ended up in that but also other people as well.

Almost like I'm more vigilant now I understand what it was, behavior and signs and I see it in others where previously I wouldn't have noticed.

I was so young and impressionable when I met him. It was extremely insidious, I didn’t have a clue it was happening really until it got obvious. There really wasn’t anything wrong with me and had have I met a different man I would have had a lovely relationship. I was very loyal and accepting as a person, he took complete advantage of me. I never knew of such a person. It’s changed the way I see people now.
He overthrew my ability to cope and had me on egg shells in survival mode, I never knew this.