Do you ever fully recover from narcissistic abuse?

[Whydothat1]

I left in 2019, but spent years at court and share a child so I’m not free of him. Although I’m much better, a lot of my ptsd have gone I still suffer. It’s the lost time and the opportunities I’ve missed out on because of those 15 years. I’ve changed and not always for the better. I can’t love or trust as much, life is less soft.

I can no longer be the person who I was. That person was so carefree and gentle, I’m harder now. I get jealous of people who have supportive partners, I’m annoyed at myself. I could have had such a good life if I never met him. I’ve got good things in my life now but so many bad memories and regret.

That is a familiar feeling for me. Although, obviously I'm a guy but I was shy, quiet and I was nice and generous to everyone, bit innocent to be honest in a way not like most, very introverted and timid. Possibly autistic.

I didn't notice anything either, totally oblivious to everything it must have been easy, I was so blinded that someone saw me for once I took it all.

Although I'm the same person still, it's hardened me and feel like something has been stolen.

I get it. I'm full of regret just now.

I'm on holiday with my son. He had ASD and although I love him to pieces, it is so fucking hard and lonely raising him by myself. Most of the time I think I'm ok, but there's still that nasty voice in my head that tells me I'm alone because I'm not good enough and of course, I only managed to get an abusive man because a good one wouldn't want me.

I might start my own thread..I dunno... I'm just utterly lonely and can't believe I have nobody. I don't have family around me, friends are falling away as I get older...and my good years are behind me wasted on that fuck.

@ConfusedNoMore You are good enough and you have many years ahead. That's what I'm trying to tell myself anyway.

Can't let them still seed your head, hard but they can't win forever.

I agree with this. There was nothing wrong with you. It is simply bad luck that the person you met was a narcissist.

It’s a common trope that abused women were somehow damaged and vulnerable in the first place. That is bullshit. People with high self esteem can be taken in by a narcissist. I think a lot of people think it wouldn’t happen to them, but anyone can be fooled.

This post really resonated with me. On my bad days, I feel really sad about the wasted years, the damaged confidence. The years ahead of co-parenting with a controlling arse.

but I find it helps to chat to friends. And put the narcissist and his behaviour in a box. Don’t expect anything from them.

I also think it helps to pity them. They are pathetic sad individuals.

and also- focus on something positive for you. Find a hobby/ purpose/ job you love.

focus on enjoying your time with your kids ( if you have them). They will see things for what they are when they get older.

and remember - no one gets through life without regrets or facing some pretty nasty knocks. It might not be a narcissist, but something else. So don’t be too hard on yourself.

@Catastrophejane it really was just a perfect storm. Yes I’ve got my childhood issues like a lot of people I expect. I was fresh out of studying and at the end of a medium term relationship that had just got boring after 5 years then I met this person full of hope and charisma, little did I know. I hadn’t the tools to cope with him. He won for a long time but I eventually got out. I’ve got a child with him and a baby with a man I’ve been with for 3 years. He is lovely and makes me happy but I still look back with regret at what my life could have been. I had so much wasted potential.

I know longer look at myself as not deserving, I deserved a whole lot better but I got stuck.

5 years on from me and I'm slowly calming down and getting less jittery. But I have years of abuse prior to him so I think it's just layers on layers on layers. I'm not sure I'll ever be fully ok, but I'm like one of those broken Japanese pots put back together with gold. Flawed, but still ok, just changed, different to how I was.

Not sure I'll ever be fully mended though.

I left mine 23 years ago and sometimes look back and can't believe I lived that life (no kids thankfully)

I've remarried and we have dc, but I still get very anxious if I need to tell him bad news, I bumped the car the other day and had a mini melt down at the thought of telling my dh. He just asked me if I was ok and said he'd ring the insurance in the morning, then asked it I wanted a cuppa . I'm also a terrible people pleaser, but I think that's just me anyway.

There is now part of me that looks back with fondness that I'm the person I am today because of the him and the abuse. I'm now very independent, made sure I'm also financially independent. I treasure my friends and have lots of them (I wasn't allowed friends), I also treasure my time with family, travelling, I get joy from spending 'my' money (my wages would go into his bank account) and my sex life is great - I found out after leaving him that I did actually enjoy sex, I wasn't 'fridged' It was him I didn't like having sex with!

These are really helpful and strong words

It's 2.5 years since my horrid ex left - I asked him to go once I figured out (finally) what he had done to my mental health. I find most days are much better, despite a horrible court run-out and him using the school as a weapon now as he keeps picking other school Mums as new girlfriends.

There are triggers I find....someone wearing similar clothing....the fear of another attack from somewhere.

I try to think of a graph where progress is in a positive direction but with local peaks and troughs. Some days are harder than others but the direction of travel is right.

Two friends have given me some sound advice....

1 was to picture my ex and his new flying monkey girlfriend as a cut-out....as if they're not coloured in....ie. just ignore them.

That helped...

The other advice was this.....'the opposite of love is indifference.....' Easy to say....sometimes the panic attacks kick in first.

Be kind to yourself though and note how far you've come.

We all learn lessons from the narcs in our lives. That’s what they’re there for, to teach us how to recognise patterns in our children’s friendship groups, their future partners, our own future friendships and relationships.

Never look back. Your life is very purposeful from here and now. Don’t flip into a reminisce. Stay strong and focused.

@TitaniumTess

1 was to picture my ex and his new flying monkey girlfriend as a cut-out....as if they're not coloured in....ie. just ignore them.

I don't understand this...not coloured in? Could you explain it further?

You still have to have some form of contact due to kids, I'm in the same position. That makes moving on more difficult. Like you I was kind, generous, optimistic and carefree person, I became extremely cynical and mistrusting of motivations. 6 years later im with someone who's the polar opposite of him, deeply moral and honest. Its restored some of my former faith in relationships.

The best you can do to help recovery is to limit his ability to get a hook in. Be vague, diplomatic, remove all emotion. Don't bother arguing against falsehoods, it's a ruse. You can also not reply to things, leave them till later. Much of the issue is feeling like you lost all control emotionally, became a puppet, so taking control of when and how you react can be powerful.

I'm mid divorce, after a 23 year relationship. I'm still very shaky, but the ptsd symptoms are easing, and I'm confident that I have the power now.

I have days when I feel utterly wretched and sad, times when I am terrified. But I have a lot of hope now and my confidence is growing by the day.

I.was also ill forever, back pain, stomach issues, random pains, infections etc. All miraculously disappeared when I saw the truth.

@ChristmasCrumpet

Hi, yes, so the advice...which I tried at a kid's party with some success, was to just imagine them not there...

So within a scene as you look at it, where their outline is, they're missing. As if they've been cut out of a picture. It helped me deal with a group situation. Hope that helps.

I'm the same, I spent the best years of my life with a narcissist. I often wonder how different things would be had I dumped him when I found out he had lied about his age. Or I had said yes to the drink with the guy from the rugby team at university. I wonder if I'd be one of those happy families, doting husband and happy children.

I'll never have children, he took that from opportunity from me. I look back with regret.

I'm also no longer the same person, I don't trust men easily. There's an innocence that I've lost.

I’m glad a lot of you are out but it’s so sad the damage a person can do. No one should take the innocence out of life. If only hey but life isn’t like that!

Thank you, I'm hoping it gets easier. I'm really struggling with it just now. Have you all been through a stage of still caring about them, still worrying and wanting them to be ok? I don’t miss him, I don’t love him, but I do hate to see him cry. He’s lost weight, he’s not sleeping. He’s still the father of my kids and for so long he was my best friend as well as my husband. I’m scared for him. He’s like an addict at rock bottom. Because of his actions his whole world is falling apart. Please tell me, in time, I will care less?

@MumLass I almost killed myself feeling sorry for him. At one point the need to care and the need to break that bond blew up my mind but eventually it went away. It helped he found another lady. Mine told me he wanted to kill himself unless I returned, the house became an unkept mouldy mess, he used to write these really weird letters about how he had no identity anymore, no reason to live. When he found another lady it all stopped.

He is a human and no doubt he is suffering but feeling sorry from afar is the best action. You can’t fix him, it’s sad.

I've had this like addiction like thing with mine where at first it's all I could think about. What they were doing, are they okay, what if this, that, even though has done everything and still is.

Still there to a degree it just comes back out of the blue and I start feeling sorry for them, even though they are still doing what they are doing.

Anyone else find they kinda seem happy living in filth and will not clean either? I really struggled with that throughout.

Thank you, it's really helpful to know others have felt like this. Sorry I hijacked your thread a bit! I know what you mean about feeling annoyed at yourself but we are victims. It could happen to anyone. I find looking back at photos with the kids on holiday makes me sad I wasn't truly happy for most of their lives so far. I do regret that, but I'm determined to make the most of the rest of the time I have with them before they fly the nest.

If we can fool the brain into changing the reality of the situation it can help.

I used to pretend he was dead, he didn't exist so it helped to quell the memories.

I could have written your post, OP - I’m so sorry this happened to you 💐
I’m six years out of the relationship and wish I could tell you an inspirational tale of hope and recovery, but I hate my life because of him, for all the reasons you’ve mentioned and many more. I hope you find some closure x

@Saltybanana Im sorry to hear that. I hate my past and the lingering issues I have with my health because of him but I’m trying to enjoy as much as I can. I am in a new relationship and it’s been 3 years and we have a little one together. I am lucky I found someone so lovely who accepts me for who I am. I have tried to pretend it never happened and I’ve tried to be the person I used to be but I can’t. People tell me to just let it go but it’s a part of me now and I live around it the best I can.

@RandomForest I like it!!! :)