Will I ever get over him?

[roses321]

Hey ladies

I felt that I needed to post here for a bit of support and maybe if someone had some mutual stories to share that might help me a bit.

In May I left my fiance because he was emotionally and mentally abusive, we had bought a house literally the year before that and I had to leave that too despite loving it so much. I didn't want to leave but it was getting to the point that I could barely function and couldn't be bothered to do anything with myself, hair/makeup/what I wore. I was constantly obsessed with making the relationship better/fixing things and the arguments I had with my ex were just circular and tearing me apart as was his constant "you're mental" "you need help" "you're unhinged" every time I showed any emotion. I've posted previously about that if you care about the details.

I went into a house share because a room became available and after one particular vicious row, I just made the decision to go. He told me that unless I was prepared to fight for the relationship there was no chance with him and I got fed up of being coerced and the power imbalance.

After I left we spent a lot of time going back and forth over email and he refused to acknowledge the impact any of his behaviour had on me (sexting other women, insults, gaslighting, blocking me in rooms etc) even though I recorded him insulting me and his character assassinations of me and telling me what to do in my own home (jointly owned) as well as threats of financial repercussions if I didn't do as he said.

I've been in this house share for 3 months, I feel a lot of shame being here at 39, no children at all and not knowing where my future will go.

I got straight in touch with a therapist who I see weekly and who is helping me to get to the point we can sell out house (there is a complicated legal situation with our neighbours stopping it right now which i'm working through).

I've started Pilates, gone running, doing therapy, on low dose anti-depressants to help me, I've been to my GP to tell them what happened, I've started doing better at work (I was at risk of not passing my probationary period because my performance was so bad) and I'm also running a womens group on facebook and organising meet ups.

I've tried online dating but it's way too soon, been on a couple of dates and neither of them made me feel good so I stopped. I am not drinking as it makes me feel more low. I've invested into my appearance which I stopped doing, bought new things for myself and yet I still find myself missing my ex so so much, I want to go home, I want to make up with him (even though I know it's not possible and why would I even want to). I feel so very lonely without a connection and it's really getting me down and pre-occupying me.

I literally just fear for whether i'll ever get over him, even though I know he had narcissistic traits, I had to go for a legal meeting that he was at and it was the first time I saw him for 3 months and I went weak at the knees and just wanted to burst into tears and give him a huge hug.

I thought by now I would be feeling better, but I miss him every day. I refuse to stand down from my values and boundaries over how I am to be treated and he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing at all even though I went to the police after he refused to stop following me around and broke things that belonged to me in a rage. I will not budge on it but can anyone share how long it took them to accept things like this? What they did that helped them? How to overcome loneliness? I just feel so very lost.

I am doing much better that's for sure, my life is so much more peaceful, but I feel like I have a void in me and I just need a bit of advice from anyone who has any. Thank you for reading. x

OP I've not been in your exact position but I just wanted to say you are doing absolutely the right things in every way. You sound incredible! Time will heal you, have faith in yourself x

Woah! It's only been a few weeks! You won't be anywhere near feeling better yet, so don't panic. Remember that where you are now is just a temporary 'holding' situation whilst the logistics get sorted out, and you're doing all the right things to prepare for your long term happiness and future. This bit of your life will be tough and emotionally painful - its inevitable - but there's no way to short-cut or avoid it so be kind to yourself. It's like the part where you disinfect a wound to clean it - stings like hell but you know it's going to heal that much better because you've properly cleaned it out. You just have to wait for it to heal over. Stay brave - you'll get there x

Thanks, I think I needed to hear this.

I've begun ignoring all messages from him now and perhaps not doing this will be the reason why I haven't felt better, but yes it is still early and I have to keep reminding myself of that so I appreciate your input a lot x

The breakup was very, very recent. When we leave an abusive person, it's not like a "normal" breakup because we're trauma bonded to them. The relationship we have with them is like a drug, equal parts damaging and addictive. If someone you know had given up heroin in May, would you expect them to be completely over it and not be thinking about it by now?

I always say when it comes to an abusive partner, we're not free from them the moment we leave. It takes a long time to fully be out of their grip. It's a very gradual process, and it's not always a linear journey.

One thing that makes it very hard is the lack of closure. You understandably have placed focus on his lack of accountability in accepting any wrong doing. It's the most frustrating thing when someone who has been so cruel and callous, who's turned us into a shell of ourselves and caused such destruction, can't even acknowledge that they've done anything wrong. But abusers will never acknowledge this, and one of the milestones in healing is when you're able to accept they'll never give you that closure. You have to give it to yourself.

You're clearly a very strong woman and you're doing remarkably well considering how recent this has all been for you. Be patient with yourself. You're currently still in the intermediate phase where you're picking up the broken pieces. It may take a while but you're on your way to a more peaceful, happy, and liberating life.

Your welcome! Been there myself. Protect yourself by ignoring all messages unless it's legal stuff about the house. I know you can't block entirely, but don't engage with anything else. This is short term pain now, and you're in the midst of the worst of it, but the long term pain of staying with him would have gone on and on and on, whereas this will end.

Just noticed appalling mistake with "your" and "you're" - so sorry, I am educated really!

This is so true, I feel like seeing him for the first time in 3 months (unfortunately didn't have a choice in doing that as it was meeting solicitors) really did put me back a few steps. I assumed I would see him and be unbothered, so far from the truth.
I definitely was trauma bonded to him and when I re-read all our emails I just realised that he cannot take accountability for anything. I've no doubt he is in pain as well, but unfortunately his lack of humility and refusal to validate anything I've said is just unacceptable to me. I'm just not having it.

He's talked about things I've done wrong and I've validated those things, I used to walk away from arguments and not speak to him, but he fails to understand that when I did go back his attitude and insults were exactly the same.

It is crazy... just can't believe this is a man who said he loved me. But that's an old old chestnut I guess so i don't know why the heck i'm suprised, people are posting here every flipping day with shit like that.

I wanted to add in terms of the lack of accountability, I think one of the reasons we so desperately seek it following emotional abuse is because we've been gaslit for so long. We know in our hearts they mistreated us, but it feels important to have the person who gaslit us to finally admit it, to confirm it. They still have a hold on us so we feel like we need them to acknowledge it to confirm we did the right thing in leaving. But they're never going to acknowledge it, because they're the type of person who gaslights.

When I say you need to give yourself that closure, I mean you need to validate your own feelings and experiences. You need to realise he has an irrational and illogical mind, and that his views and opinions on the matter are of no value to you.

Such a good point you make there, so correct, it would have been my life. That is what I thought when I left and I actually kept a video diary and the recordings of a lot of his abusive behaviour as well as screenshots so I can see very well what happened. Easy to get lost in idealising the good times isn't it I suppose.

I've definitely begun this process and made good leaps. When I left I had symptoms of PTSD, flashbacks, dreams and constant rumination to the point I couldn't focus on anything, get out of bed or even eat.
I was gaslighting myself for a very long time as well and ended up on medication - he was very manipulative in therapy acting like he just didn't know what was wrong with me, then the webcam goes off and within a couple of days he's doing the same things.
I thought I had BPD at one point, was utterly convinced of it as well. My counsellor made sure I was aware I certainly did not!

Yes I think that closure comes for me from "why did you do this to me...literally why". I also do not understand why they are like this. I cannot fathom it. Why would you do that to someone so they felt like a complete shell of a person?

Hi OP - your post brought a lot of emotion to me (and I am at best a hard cow!) it is very close to my experience with my ex (my daughters father)
I had to leave him because of really awful domestic abuse, my daughter and I went into temporary accommodation for a short while before I was able to get myself back on my feet and save up enough for a deposit and rental.
It took a good year to finally feel like I was getting somewhere, but the first few months I felt the same as you - I think it's called trauma bond, perhaps read up on that a little too.
All I will say is now, almost 4 years later, my daughter is about to start school and I am doing well in my new job and he doesn't even cross my mind. In fact, I struggle to think of any good memories at all from being with him, it was like a figment of my imagination.
What I am getting at is, you WILL feel better in time, it's still very raw at the moment, 3 months is only 12 weeks so that really isn't long at all. We don't get over grief in 3 months, it takes as long as it takes. You're grieving your house/home that you had together and the relationship.
I honestly felt like I had wasted 5 years of my life with my ex, the only good thing I had that came out of it was our daughter, but even that causes challenge at times.
I would almost feel grateful that you didn't have children with him as that would have added a further layer of complication to it all and a life long tie to him.
Give yourself time, one day you will actually go through the whole day without thinking of him and without needing to be distracted. It'll come. x

I thought I had BPD at one point, was utterly convinced of it as well.

My ex tried to convince me I had BPD as well. He'd use it to silence me. If I ever tried to talk about my feelings, he'd just say "you're being very borderline right now, I'm not even going to engage". If ever I tried to talk about something he'd done to hurt me, he'd say it was my BPD distorting my memories. He'd say that I should be so grateful that he was willing to overlook my BPD and stay with me because no one else would put up with it.

I've since had it confirmed from multiple therapists and psychiatrists that I do not, in fact, have BPD.

It's crazy really how much the experiences of abused women align. It's like they have this secret handbook of all the tips and tricks to keep us feeling crazy.

It's very hard to wrap your head around the "why". I used to get so stuck on the thought of "it would be so easy for us to have a happy relationship, why do you go out of your way to make sure we don't?"

I'd recommend you to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. It's very eye opening and invaluable in helping to understand the "why".

https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My ex once printed an article about BPD and emailed it to me. He also called me a narcisist (sic - because he can't spell the twat)
The level of projection from these people is absolutely unreal.

I have read this and my experience was SO SIMILAR to yours it's almost uncanny. I identified my ex as the water torturer - a lot of how he behaved was very similar to that.
He would even text my family under the guise of "getting help and support" for me. I felt like I was going absolutely mad. Even after reading it I just think "why". It's like losing someone to a demon.

Your post made me a bit teary, thank you so much. I am so glad you are happier and I have taken so much solace from what you have said. x

My ex was a water torturer as well. When I first read the description of it I couldn't believe there was really a name for it and that it was its own specific form of abuse. And it's such an insidious form of abuse because it's so hard to pin point. My ex was very skilled at pushing and pushing me until I'd have these emotional outbursts. I'd be hysterically crying and that would "prove" how unhinged and unstable I was. He'd even film it so he had "proof" of how crazy I was.

Looking back now it's so obvious what he was doing, but when you're in it you really feel like you've lost your grip on reality.

That sounds like what I experienced. It was always plausible deniability with him and you can't really defend against it.

I know that leaving was the best thing i could have done, but it is so so hard sometimes. To think of him alone makes me sad, but I know I have to put myself first.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs to you OP. One day at a time :) x

Him being alone is a consequence of his actions, not yours.

And yes, one day at a time! I promise it gets easier.

Good to you for getting away!

Secondly, you don't miss HIM op. I'm sorry buy you don't. Re-Read what you wrote about how he treated you. THAT is him. And no one misses that.

You miss an idea of how you wanted the relationship to be. An idea of the him you wanted him to be. Perhaps because he pretended to be that person in the early days. But that was never him. It was a carefully spun web to entrap you. You miss a character he once played. Not the actor who played it.

Secondly you may also be dealing with a trauma bond to your abuser. You're moods were governed for so long by HIS moods. You became trained to look to him for approval in order to feel safe.

Stop looking to the source of your pain in order to cure it. That will never happen.

Knifes cause wounds, they don't heal them.

You're doing brilliantly. Time and therapy and YOU will heal your wounds. Not the man who abused you. Because he only means you harm. Its just who he is.

Don't start dating again. I know it's tempting fir the boost but...you'll end up dating another abuser. It's the way it goes until we've done the self work. Spend the next year reading up on how to spot abusers. And recap throughout your life.

Also...it's an odd thing to talk of 'failing' because you are single without kids. That implies that life has some sort of scoreboard. Or only one way of living it. Plenty of people don't marry or have kids these days. Some people travel the world on adventures or write books or have hot steamy romances on foreign holidays. There is no standard but what you set for yourself.

Right now you've started afresh. You could do anything! Tbh you've dodged a bullet not having kids with this guy. Once the divorce is over and the sale on the house goes through, the world is your oyster! And maybe you'll do the nuclear family thing one day. Or maybe you'll climb mountains or sail yachts or move to a beach and open a bar!

One things for certain, your future will be brighter without him! So stop looking back! Start looking forwards!

Basically it hurts to let go of a dream. A dream if how things 'could' be. But you spent years fighting for this unattainable ideal with him. It was never going to be reality. All you were ever going to get was a nightmare.

Give yourself permission to stop fighting for something unobtainable. Sometimes we have to let go of one dream so that we can make space for new dreams to grow.

And it hurts like a motherfucker.

But you can't achieve a dream with someone who doesn't want the same thing. You can't be happy with someone who wants you to be unhappy.

Give yourself permission to call it a day.
And it might not feel like it now but one day, you'll dream new dreams. Or perhaps the same dream with someone who can help you fulfil it, because its their dream too.

OP I haven't been in your exact situation but I did go through a breakup that left me truly broken hearted and my life felt empty and bleak. We had been together for 5 years. Getting over it was a very slow road with many bumps along the way. A friend who had been though something similar described it well when she said that you feel like you're at the bottom of a hole and sometimes you'll feel like you are making progress climbing out of it but other times you will fall back down again. But each time you fall, you won't fall as deep as the time before and you will start climbing again much quicker.

For me, it was months before he wasn't the first thing I thought of in the morning and last thing at night. I remember feeling pathetic that I couldn't just get over him. But a colleague confided it had taken her 18mths to get over a boyfriend and I'll always be so grateful to her for sharing that as it helped me accept my feelings.

In the end it took me many years to be 100% over it, and I often doubted I would ever feel that way, but I did eventually get there. And you will too. X

Thanks so much for all the support here, I really appreciate it, this is such a great site for support to be honest I have never known such a lovely forum or bunch of people.

I agree that I don't miss him, I do miss the idea of him and the idea of the life together we had planned, some days I got that life, other days I got a living hell and I wanted to actually kill myself on more than a few occasions to be honest. I used to sit in our bedroom just feeling absolutely empty and lost, and now when I feel that way I can choose to feel lost and not worry about him having a go at me, or I can go and do something with my time like pilates or running.

When I started out with this I felt sad just going around the shops seeing people with their families, I was angry and couldn't stand it, but now I don't really feel that as much and I feel prepared to go places alone and meet people so I think that I will be ok. I suppose I am just struggling to let it all go. I am trying to take it one day at a time because at the start it all felt unsurmountable but I've

• Switched all the bills to him
• Moved my furniture out and sold it all because storing it would be too expensive
• Evaluated my finances
• Started exercise classes
• Started running
• Organised meetings with new friends and get togethers with groups
• Booked a mini holiday with a new friend I made (she's 75 and she's great)
• Made my room look nice in my room share
• Bought a lot of new things for myself (eek need to save now) including beauty tools and things I can use to make myself feel good.

I'm getting there I think. But I agree, dating is a bad idea right now.

It takes a long time. I'm 8 months in and I've had some dark dark days but I can finally see a tiny little chink of light appearing in the distance. I'm starting to sleep a little bit and my mood is stabilising. I've read so much about emotional abuse and narcissism and I still read a line or 2 most days, just to remind me to keep going. I still miss him but I also know just how destructive it all was and just how abusive he was, so I just accept that ok, so I miss him but so what, there's no going back. I feel a sense of pride that I finally got out, even though it feels surreal at times and I can't quite believe it's all happened. 3 months is no time at all. You will be all over the place. Keep reading and keep going!

Youre allowed to feel sad about it! And whilst it's good to be keeping busy, there will be times where you just have to sit with your feelings. And that stuff is hard. But those feelings wont kill you. You'll work through them and process them. (And - Without some jerk telling you you aren't entitled to feel them! Which is a bonus).

Freedom sometimes means loneliness and sadness. But it's better than being in a cage with something hell bent on destroying you.

Just dont feel you need to bounce back ASAP. Take the time to relearn that your feelings are valid. And to work through them.