Will I ever get over him?

[roses321]

Hey ladies

I felt that I needed to post here for a bit of support and maybe if someone had some mutual stories to share that might help me a bit.

In May I left my fiance because he was emotionally and mentally abusive, we had bought a house literally the year before that and I had to leave that too despite loving it so much. I didn't want to leave but it was getting to the point that I could barely function and couldn't be bothered to do anything with myself, hair/makeup/what I wore. I was constantly obsessed with making the relationship better/fixing things and the arguments I had with my ex were just circular and tearing me apart as was his constant "you're mental" "you need help" "you're unhinged" every time I showed any emotion. I've posted previously about that if you care about the details.

I went into a house share because a room became available and after one particular vicious row, I just made the decision to go. He told me that unless I was prepared to fight for the relationship there was no chance with him and I got fed up of being coerced and the power imbalance.

After I left we spent a lot of time going back and forth over email and he refused to acknowledge the impact any of his behaviour had on me (sexting other women, insults, gaslighting, blocking me in rooms etc) even though I recorded him insulting me and his character assassinations of me and telling me what to do in my own home (jointly owned) as well as threats of financial repercussions if I didn't do as he said.

I've been in this house share for 3 months, I feel a lot of shame being here at 39, no children at all and not knowing where my future will go.

I got straight in touch with a therapist who I see weekly and who is helping me to get to the point we can sell out house (there is a complicated legal situation with our neighbours stopping it right now which i'm working through).

I've started Pilates, gone running, doing therapy, on low dose anti-depressants to help me, I've been to my GP to tell them what happened, I've started doing better at work (I was at risk of not passing my probationary period because my performance was so bad) and I'm also running a womens group on facebook and organising meet ups.

I've tried online dating but it's way too soon, been on a couple of dates and neither of them made me feel good so I stopped. I am not drinking as it makes me feel more low. I've invested into my appearance which I stopped doing, bought new things for myself and yet I still find myself missing my ex so so much, I want to go home, I want to make up with him (even though I know it's not possible and why would I even want to). I feel so very lonely without a connection and it's really getting me down and pre-occupying me.

I literally just fear for whether i'll ever get over him, even though I know he had narcissistic traits, I had to go for a legal meeting that he was at and it was the first time I saw him for 3 months and I went weak at the knees and just wanted to burst into tears and give him a huge hug.

I thought by now I would be feeling better, but I miss him every day. I refuse to stand down from my values and boundaries over how I am to be treated and he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing at all even though I went to the police after he refused to stop following me around and broke things that belonged to me in a rage. I will not budge on it but can anyone share how long it took them to accept things like this? What they did that helped them? How to overcome loneliness? I just feel so very lost.

I am doing much better that's for sure, my life is so much more peaceful, but I feel like I have a void in me and I just need a bit of advice from anyone who has any. Thank you for reading. x

You are doing great. Work on your inside too with the therapist. In the near future you will be recovered. You will gain that self awareness, so this won't happen to you in the future and he still will be the same miserable looking to someone else to blame.

I've been there, took me 6 months to be myself at the 80% still working in the other 20%.

Commenting because I was in a situation that sounds VERY similar to yours. I was dealing with a fiancé who told me I’d be nothing without him, I’d never own my own home, I got abuse when his brother got a girlfriend he would compare her to me and on one particular night he told me that if he met his brothers girlfriend before his brother, she would be his girlfriend and he would be happier! When I got a permanent job, he didn’t congratulate me. He told me time and time again not to mention my college days to him ( he had never gone to college and this angered him greatly) saying that if I did, I sounded condescending. I was constantly berated for what I wore and who I spoke to. However, he was able to talk to anyone and everyone, and talk about whatever he wanted, which included being flirty towards other women. I was ignored for days on end if I said the ‘wrong thing’. I was crucified for my ‘past’, when all I had done was date a few guys. I had had enough and went to therapy. I broke off the engagement. I didn’t even own my own car back then. Now, I own my own home, my own car, my job is going from strength to strength, I can talk to whoever I want and I have a husband now who accepts me as I am. Now, what I will say is I understand what you are saying. At times, I do think of him, and I think of the type of life that maybe we could have had. I say to myself, maybe I didn’t put in enough work? Maybe I cut the chord too soon? Maybe we’d have kids by now?it’s like he’s still able to get inside my head sometimes, even after time has passed. All of these thoughts that are irrelevant to my current life. It’s been 10 years since that happened to me. I think we think this way cos we truly loved the person when they treated us well. But it’s important not to forget where we came from. What we suffered and how we are out the other side. It’s so soon after your break up, I honestly didn’t heal for a very long time but the time of healing will come for you. I suppose I wanted to share to show you that like you, I too got out, and I too understand how got feel, and I do believe you will get through this. Fair play to you for leaving and for being so proactive in your life, he didn’t deserve someone as amazing as you! X

Wow that sounds like quite the story and on reading that I can immediately say you didn't cut the chord soon enough and you definitely didn't need to "put in anymore work" - it sounds like you had enough work just existing let alone putting more of yourself in.
As for kids... i won't even go there, your life would have been hell and I think you know that, and theirs.

I'm really glad that you left and that you now are happy, I hope the same can happen for me, part of me is angry I allowed it for so long and wasted so much time, but at the same time what is done is done, and perhaps I needed to learn this lesson. I'd been in relationships for all the wrong reasons before that although I'd been lucky that i'd never come across anyone as toxic as him, but then I'd also never loved anyone as much as I loved him. Maybe that alone says something about the healing I need to do.

I try to see him as someone who came into my life to show me a lesson and that it was meant to happen and if it didn't I would be no better off, I think that something about how we think about ourselves leads us to fall for these people.

There were red flags in the beginning. I knew he'd sexted behind his exes back, I knew he was sexting me when his ex and he were having IVF. She found out that she could probably never have kids and I think of how devastating that would be for her and how he wasn't there to support her. He found out he couldn't have kids either and I know that may have affected him although he swears he's "over it" - I honestly doubt it. I was prepared to give up so much for him. His problems were my problems and I wanted to share them. He wanted to use mine as a weapon against me.

I'm so much happier without him for the most part, but he does have a hold on me still, so never seeing him or speaking to him is 100% the way forward.

It's all very sad, it could have been so different, when things were good with him I was so so happy. I guess life is very unfair sometimes. I feel lost without him sometimes and i hope one day that will pass.

Omg my ex used to call me bi-polar!! Where do they learn all of this from?! It’s crazy to hear that other abusive partners act and say the same thing. Like everyone else, I certainly am no bi-polar and never deserved the crappy way I was treated.

OP your post has given me a lot of strength, keep going you amazing soul 😊

But you’re doing so well!!!! How can you give up now, you’re so close! I’d say you’re probably about 4 more months out of completely getting over him and not giving him a single thought. These things do take time, a few times you may feel like giving up and going back but just don’t- you’re close to being over it, Do.Not.Give.Up

I won't give up I promise. I bought some new clothes and got a facial this weekend and I'm on a fitness journey and doing everything I possibly can to level myself up so that I can be the best version of me. :-)