Would you find this flirtatious?

[Outloud]

DH and I have been together for 7 years, we have a 5 yo DD.

DH told me about a couple of female friends had had before he met me and I have been introduced to them, except for one that always found an excuse not to meet (she's sick, she's busy, she's away). She's in fact an older lady (early 60ies now) with a husband and now grown up children. DH is younger than her and they used to meet a lot and have holidays together with their families before DH's first wife died.

After his wife died DH told me he used to meet this friend sometimes on her own, he'd cook for her and I think she's is a very knowledgeable, well travelled, experienced lady who gave him good advise whenever he needed it.

Like I said I never met her, but DH asked me to add her on FB and also shared her phone number with me, just in case. I had a few conversations with her on SM and invited her to our house several times and she always refused, in fact once she said she was coming and she didn't turn up. 2 hours late Dh called her and she said she wasn't well and fell asleep...weird!

My relationship with DH deteriorated over the years for reasons that are not relevant now but we are still together and being very civil and working through things.

This friend of his all of the sudden is willing to meet him (I think he mentioned to her about our relationship once after a bit fight last year), after all these years she found time to meet him and our daughter. I encouraged him to see her and they went for a long walk with DD. And I can see they are talking a lot on whatsup as DH mentions her sometimes. They met again and I think they are planing to meet regularly ( once every couple of months).

My 5 year old DD worked out her DD's phone password and yesterday she unlocked it and I thought I might take a look at his messages as I did suspect messages late in the night, sometimes early in the morning.

The two of them are talking regularly and I can see over the last few months the messages are getting friendlier from her side, with lots of love hearts 💜 after each message. He was a bit more friendly in the beginning but his messages are now quite dry.

So, about 7:45 am, she'd send a pic of half of her messy bed with a beautiful balcony and the sea in the background, saying 'enjoying my morning with a cup of tea in bed 💕💕, then she'd go into details about her day, her plans, what everyone is doing...his reply is always :lovely, have a great time! And I find the whole thing so weird. This happens regularly and I found it quite flirtatious, would you send a pic like that to your male friend first thing in the morning? I wouldn't, I found it a bit ... 😵‍💫

I should say I'm not in the least upset about it, not sure why. Perhaps it's because I don't think he ever found her attractive, he always unkindly comments on her weight issues as well, but I do think he likes her as a friend. But I find the whole situation so weird and it kind of makes sense why she never wanted to meet me (we moved house 4 years ago and she's only about 15 mins drive from us now).

What do you think?

I think both of them
ate being quite disrespectful in different ways

I think you need to put your foot down , I imagine your right about the woman

Yes, that's how I feel. It's disrespectful, but I did find it was her being more forward and him backing off a little

Yes she's letting him know she's interested.
No doubt your DH will have no idea what you're talking about and it will be your fault for being jealous blah blah but they both know .

How old is he? I’m not sure, she might like him but it isn’t reciprocated it seems.

I actually find the worst bit he slags her off behind her back and makes jibes about her weight issues, I could not be with someone like that, what an awful man.

If your 5 yo is working out his phone passcode and thinking you might want to check his WhatsApp messages that's a bit weird

You are right about her, she's making her intentions known...he is probably clueless though and thinks it's all innocent friendship, if you raised it he'd think you were overreacting.

I suspect she's avoided meeting you all these years because she's always had feelings for him and would find it too difficult / awkward.

He is 54. I wouldn't say he completely slags her off, but would say things like oh, my friend is not the healthiest vegetarian, she's always been overweight...or he'd say, she's not the most attractive woman.

He knows our 5 yo worked out his password yet he hasn't deleted any messages, to be honest I'm not usually interested in his phone...just recently I noticed him being online on whatsup very early in the morning and heard messages coming through so I did get a bit suspicious.

He's being a bit rude about her weight.

It sounds like she's depending on him slightly for emotional support but nothing else, perhaps she's lonely.

He could try encouraging her to try new things/meet new people.

Oh no, she's got a very active social life, lots of female friends and she travels a lot.

Dh was saying a few years ago that although she has a nice husband and he's not aware of any marriage issues, she travels and goes out mostly with her female friends.

You arn't getting on and your husband is focusing on this friendship deliberately to hurt you.

He is sidelining you in favour of this ow, if he wanted your relationship to improve he would not do that.

Sounds purposeful to me, personally I would leave them to it and find a better friend than your husband, the older ligger can continue to inflate his ego, they deserve one another, looks like her husband has been sidelined too.

Some people are just arseholes.

@Outloud hmm...sounds like she needs to back off then.

She'll get the message pretty quick if dh responses are dry and infrequent. She probably just wants some attention.

She’s married and behaving like this!?

oh dear

Yeah, she's married with 2 grown up kids 🙄

Wtf is he commenting on her level of attractiveness and weight for. That’s so odd. I don’t comment on my friends level of attractiveness, makes me suspicious like he is trying to put you off. And I assumed when you said older lady a bigger age gap, he’s mid fifties , she’s early sixties, so basically the same demographic.

id now wonder if there was something between them at some point.

I do wonder now if there was something in the past too.

I'm just baffled that I never suspected anything like this. When she wasn't keen on meeting us, I naively thought she doesn't like him and she was only his friend when he was alone and sad, having lost his wife who was her friend but as soon as he met me she took a step back.

This is tough on the one hand I can see the scenario where she is now interested in hanging out because you might be separating and avoided you before because it was too painful for her to see you together... However, I don't think most men would be interested in overweight older woman and if he were he would have made a move back then before he met you.

She could have had bad mental health and now she's better she is up to meeting up finally. I think women generally tend to text longer messages than men. I don't think the bed with a view photo with plans for the day was flirtatious and lots of men put heart emoji's or xxx's as friends only.

I wouldn't be worried about her.

Interesting. You are probably right but I do still think sending a pic with your bed and the view first thing in the morning is not exactly appropriate (she's done it more than once). Would you, as a married woman, send a pic like that to your male friend? I don't think I would.

Having said that, I'm not worried at all. I'm just baffled at what I saw yesterday. I'll probably take another look when I get a chance, perhaps I might change my view.

To me - these messages aren’t really here or there. And, most importantly - this is not at all relevant to whatever issues you have with your H.
He is not interested in this woman and none of this is threatening to your marriage.

There is probably a much simpler explanation about why she didn't want to meet you. She (+her H) were friends with a family. She was close to his late W - and i am sure her death affected her. I can totally see how she didn't want to go there and bring back the old memories. Or maybe she felt like betraying her friend.

Time went on. And they started talking. And you two are in the rocks - so meeting up with a couple ‘working’ on it - isn't really a great proposition. In her place - i’d also prefer to just meet-up with an old friend on their own. And - if my friend wanted to open up about their issues - of course i’d listen, etc. They have known each other for a long time and have gone through a lot.

Picture of a bit of a bed with a beautiful balcony/setting at the background - could be flirtatious IF there is flirtatious chatting happening. Otherwise - its an attempt to make an ‘artsy’ photo. Plenty of those pics used in adverts for holidays and relaxation retreats.

You can waste your time getting into pointless discussions with H about this friend. Or you can continue figuring out if you two want and can to be together.

Its a simple choice, realky.

I'm not sure she is flirting. Some people just like to share their day and she might just be showing off the view from the bed for instance without really thinking about the bed. Especially to someone who she obviously regards as a close friend.

I think it's pretty strange that your husband has commented on his friends attractiveness before and maybe that is a bit 'protesting too much' kind of thing.

Ultimately I would focus on your relationship with your husband, if that I'd what you want? Maybe this I'd just you hoping there is something there so you have an easy out?

They’re probably not lovers but Sounds like she has a crush on him and sounds like he loves the attention and is getting his ego stroke from it.

I honestly would think nothing about sending to a male friend or posting on social media a picture of my rumpled bed with a nice view in the background to show that I'm having a lovely view from the moment I open my eyes, it's a show off point to show off the lovely room. The context was that it was morning and she was sitting in her bed so wanted to share the view of where she is right now. If she sent a picture of her naked thighs or in sexy lingerie style pyjamas that's a whole other issue.
If I were trying to be sexy I wouldn't send a 'used' bed to a guy I fancy to not make him jealousas I wouldn't want him to think I'm sleeping with someone else and because the idea is that we could mess up that neat pristinely made bed. That's how I see it personally.

3 weeks ago today me and my now exdp split up over a "female friend"

She would send pics of herself to him. They would voicenote 24 7. At one point she sent a picture of herself in a fancy dress he replied "you look gorgeous darling" they sent love hearts to each other and had hours long facetime conversations when I wasn't around.

I explained my boundaries at the start. I told him I do not accept this behaviour then he hid the fact she tried to facetime call him at 1am, I saw it on his phone when I was using it for something, when questioned why he didn't mention when I asked when they last spoke he said he forgot 🤔

Love hearts in messages. Unnecessary pictures. Anything that makes your gut twist or crosses any boundary is wrong and is unacceptable behaviour.

Sorry to hear that 😞. What a prick!

@Littlemisslonley Yeah but that's not the same thing as what this older woman is sending and they aren't talking 24/7