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Original poster

Should I forgive him?

73 replies

fellinlovewithawar · 17/08/2023 09:45

For context, my partner and I have been together a year, but have known each other for a long time. He was in therapy for over a year after his 10 year relationship ended and in this time, worked on understanding himself better. I was in therapy for a few months at the beginning of our relationship to try and work through trauma caused my a previous relationship. I found it very difficult to trust my partner, but he did everything he possibly could to make me feel safe with him. Since then, we’ve had a healthy relationship and I trusted him wholeheartedly. I’m 13 weeks pregnant, and we’re moving in together this weekend. He’s got two children already, and I’ve really come to love them both.

I was planning a surprise with his friends for his birthday and so yesterday I opened up his WhatsApp to get one of their numbers while he was in the shower. He’s never been secretive with his phone and I know his passwords. There was a group chat on there called ‘Takeaway Night’. I clicked on it, assuming he’d planned something and hadn’t told me (he’s got a habit of telling me last minute). In there, there was a message from his best friend asking if he was up for some fun again. He said he was, and then his friend sent two pictures of my partner and another woman (his best friend’s wife), one with him going down on her and another of him standing over her. He said something along the lines of “Don’t cover your face insert name” in response to one of the pictures. His friend then said “I bet you can’t wait to slide back in her again”, and he said he wanted to. She replied saying she felt embarrassed, and didn’t really engage anymore. His friend said that she still had a question to answer, and my partner said “Yes you do, don’t be shy”. There was nothing after this.

At the same time, my partner and I had been texting and talking about the future. There had been nothing that had happened between us to warrant that. We’d been having regular sex throughout the pregnancy, and I would’ve said we were in a really positive place. I confronted my partner and he was ashamed, he didn’t try and make excuses for it or beg me to stay. He said there was nothing to justify it, other than it was a moment of stupidity and he was just placating his friend who has this ‘kink’. He explained that shortly after he’d broken up with his ex, he engaged in this threesome with them and they’d tried a few times since to get him to do it again and he’d turned them down.

I didn’t know any of this until yesterday, and my partner has gone round maybe two, or three times to this friends when his wife has been there. He says there was no intent to act on it, but I don’t know what to think. Deep down, I don’t believe he has ever cheated on me. I don’t believe there was any intent. He barely goes out, his idea of a ‘night out’ is board games over a friend’s house and he’s been an amazing partner up until yesterday. I’ve never found anything that would make me question him, and he’s been very honest throughout out relationship. He seems absolutely devastated and ashamed. I want to forgive him and move past it, but I don’t know if I’m just being naive. I want to do what’s best for me, and my baby. I just feel it’s so unfair.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 12:03

It's really not a healthy relationship either, sorry. You can't call it that after a few months. It's only been a year in total and you were in therapy for the first chunk. Even if things seemed healthy after that, it's still early days - too early to move in with 2 DC in the mix and another on the way now, and now it turns out he's been lying to you and very very likely cheating on you with threesomes, and if he hasn't gone through with it yet, he's wanted to. I know you wanted it to be healthy but you can't cling onto that in the face of this mess. Please hold off on moving in this w/e and make plans to have the DC yourself as it's much wanted. This isn't something he can lie his way out of.

LylaLee · 17/08/2023 12:07

You can forgive someone. But it doesn't mean that they need to be in your life.

There's nothing quite like the hell of living with someone you can't trust. It drives you mad. You don't have a moment's peace.

supercali77 · 17/08/2023 12:10

So your dps best friend is a 'cuck', trying to get your dp to share his wife again? But this all happened before the 2 of you. But your dp said in the chat that hed like to? I'm just trying to make sure I understand

The way he replied is clearly not ok, he's in a monogamous relationship with you, this best friend is in your lives as is his wife. I also think this past dynamic should really have been told to you before now. Yes we don't owe people our every sexual encounter but it feels pretty relevant given that he's still friends with them

Janieforever · 17/08/2023 12:10

I don’t understand why you think he’d not cheat, you saw with your own eyes only yesterday he agreed to do exactly that. He clearly wasn’t pretending. He is cheating on you. You know this.

Freshair87 · 17/08/2023 12:46

VeridicalVagabond · 17/08/2023 11:21

So next time you're hanging out with them as a couple you get the joy of knowing that your partner has had sex with everyone in the room, and has discussed doing so again while you're pregnant with his child and moving in with him.

Sorry but this would be a no from me. It's so disrespectful to you.

I think you've rushed things with this man, you spent the first quarter of your relationship in therapy for past trauma and are already pregnant, moved in and met and spend enough time with his children to love them in the space of a year. Most people would spread that out over a bit more time.

Completely agree with this

Frogger8395 · 17/08/2023 12:53

He barely goes out, his idea of a ‘night out’ is board games over a friend’s house

I think you’ve just found out what his idea of a board game is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/08/2023 13:11

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 12:03

It's really not a healthy relationship either, sorry. You can't call it that after a few months. It's only been a year in total and you were in therapy for the first chunk. Even if things seemed healthy after that, it's still early days - too early to move in with 2 DC in the mix and another on the way now, and now it turns out he's been lying to you and very very likely cheating on you with threesomes, and if he hasn't gone through with it yet, he's wanted to. I know you wanted it to be healthy but you can't cling onto that in the face of this mess. Please hold off on moving in this w/e and make plans to have the DC yourself as it's much wanted. This isn't something he can lie his way out of.

Hard agree. You’re really rushing things and the foundations were already shaky. Fine if that’s what two people want but there are children in the mix and you might love them (how long ago did you meet them?) but you’re probably going to end up splitting with him which is precisely why jumping in feet first in blind optimism is so risky.

MillWood85 · 17/08/2023 13:11

You can't change what happened in his past.

But he should have stopped the conversation with a "look mate, I've moved on and am really happy with a kid on the way". But he didn't.

You've rushed headlong into this relationship and are now finding out things you don't like. I would honestly put the brakes on at this point and focus on your pregnancy.

Seaoftroubles · 17/08/2023 13:34

This is horrific OP. I would be asking him to leave. He is treating you with utter disrespect and the fact that you are pregnant makes it even worse. So sorry this has happened to you.

Roselee1 · 17/08/2023 13:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MumLass · 17/08/2023 13:42

I'm sorry, but having been in a similar situation there is not a chance this is a one off. Ask yourself, is it really likely that the only time this has been discussed is the time you caught him? What a coincidence.

I accepted my 'D' Hs explanation and apology and promises more than 10 years ago. Earlier this year I found out it's much, much worse than I thought.

Dery · 17/08/2023 13:47

“You can't change what happened in his past.

But he should have stopped the conversation with a "look mate, I've moved on and am really happy with a kid on the way". But he didn't.

You've rushed headlong into this relationship and are now finding out things you don't like. I would honestly put the brakes on at this point and focus on your pregnancy.”

This with bells on. As a PP noted upthread, there’s also something really troubling about the way photos of this man’s wife are being sent around, especially given that she’s really not sounding like she’s on board with it all. And even if it happened before he met you, those images are going to be very hard to unsee.

Redba · 17/08/2023 13:48

I think you can save a photo to your phone and then the 'details' would tell you when it was taken. I'd need to see when it was taken as I'd struggle to believe anything he said.

I also would struggle with the friendship continuing between them.

I find it awful that the wife doesn't seem to enjoy the conversation yet it's pushed and she seems embarrassed. They are talking about her like she's an object and planning to do things again that she doesn't seem that interested in.

Rainydays777 · 17/08/2023 13:58

You say the photo was only sent recently, but when was it taken?

pictures taken on phones usually have time stamps… can you save it to your phone and see when it was taken? It was taken whilst you were in a relationship, then game over.

WhatInTheNameOfGodIsThis · 17/08/2023 14:04

If I'd been with my partner for only a year I would definitely be out of there. Jesus, OP. Wayyyyyy to messy

Busubaba · 17/08/2023 14:07

When they have had a taste of the forbidden fruit they always go back for one more bite, again and again.

Sorry. The thrill of doing his mates wife with the mate joining in will always be on his mind.

usernamenotavailable99 · 17/08/2023 14:08

For me all this is just gross. He can't have much respect for women by what he's done, even if it was before you were together. If he sent those messages yesterday then that's really off. He should have deleted the group ages ago. Even if he forgot the response suggests he wants to try it again. He should have said he was with you now or something like that. He didn't so I would be concerned. What happens if the two of you have any problems and his mental health goes down again? Is he going to do these silly, gross things again?

rainbowstardrops · 17/08/2023 14:08

The messages were under 'takeaway night' and he loves a board games night. I'd hazard a guess that you haven't been invited to these takeaway board games nights!
I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him! He's said he's up for it again. Nah.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 17/08/2023 14:08

This would be so uncomfortable to me and so awkward. How are you meant to ever hang out with these people again? Sorry OP but I think this has been happening all along. If that pic was sent I can imagine it was recent. Shame you didn't click on the pic details.

It would be a no from me I'm afraid.

GR8GAL · 17/08/2023 14:10

fellinlovewithawar · 17/08/2023 10:05

Thank you. I’m not sure I worded it very well. The threesome happened long before we were together. The WhatsApp conversation about doing it again happened yesterday.

Show quote history
  1. It happened before you were together. We all have a past.
  2. He owned up to it right away, which would lead me to believe its behind him if he has no reason to lie or shy away from it.

In saying that, I would also ask why he is still encouraging this line of thought with his best friend. If he's serious about his relationship then he should make that clear.

Hope it all works out well, but my overall opinion would be to accept him for his past, we all have one, they're not always pretty, but the reason we love someone is that we accept all of them, past and preset.

Sherrycat · 17/08/2023 14:18

Sorry op I wouldn’t trust him.

Original poster
fellinlovewithawar · 17/08/2023 14:25

Thanks all for your replies. It’s given me a lot to think about. It’s difficult as he’s never given me a reason not to trust him before this. He doesn’t follow girls on Instagram, he doesn’t ever hide his phone, he’s introduced me to all his friends and we tend to spend a lot of our time together. He’s not tried to make any excuses, and was happy to hand me his phone after. The pictures were old and I can accept he has a past, I just can’t get past him entertaining it now, whether it was just him being a bit cocky/messing around or whether he had intent to follow through, knowing that something like that could jeopardise our relationship, and it it something I need to really consider. Appreciate those who have said it was very quick. It was, but we’ve knew each other for 6/7 years prior to this (I probably should’ve added this). The pregnancy happened very quickly, but as I’ve mentioned it was very much wanted and I have no doubt he’ll be an amazing parent whether we’re together or not. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

OP posts:
Original poster
fellinlovewithawar · 17/08/2023 14:28

fellinlovewithawar · 17/08/2023 14:25

Thanks all for your replies. It’s given me a lot to think about. It’s difficult as he’s never given me a reason not to trust him before this. He doesn’t follow girls on Instagram, he doesn’t ever hide his phone, he’s introduced me to all his friends and we tend to spend a lot of our time together. He’s not tried to make any excuses, and was happy to hand me his phone after. The pictures were old and I can accept he has a past, I just can’t get past him entertaining it now, whether it was just him being a bit cocky/messing around or whether he had intent to follow through, knowing that something like that could jeopardise our relationship, and it it something I need to really consider. Appreciate those who have said it was very quick. It was, but we’ve knew each other for 6/7 years prior to this (I probably should’ve added this). The pregnancy happened very quickly, but as I’ve mentioned it was very much wanted and I have no doubt he’ll be an amazing parent whether we’re together or not. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

He’s also spoken to his best friend, and they won’t be talking again. I didn’t ask him to do this. His friend was more concerned about everyone finding out about his little kink.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 17/08/2023 14:30

Oh cmon op. You can’t seriously believe the 3some was over 8 years ago and he randomly texted with the photos saying fancy some fun again, it’s clearly a recent on going thing.

DysonSpheres · 17/08/2023 14:37

The issue is the lack of respect he showed for you now by not immediately shutting down the conversation.

But the past is the past.

I think you have to remember OP that there's no such thing as being 100% cast iron guaranteed that a partner won't ever cheat on you. It's a case of you trust him within reason, or you don't.

The question is can you get past this. If you can't, and you know you will walk around feeling constantly insecure, far better to break now rather than later.