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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overwhelmed - DP's big family all in one town.

40 replies

S2P78 · 17/08/2023 09:34

Hello,
I've been with my lovely partner for five years, but every time we go to see his family (three sisters, nine nephews and nieces, husbands/partners, parents all in one small town four hours drive away) I end up exhausted and we argue. I am from a tiny family - really just my mum and I and she was at work a lot. So I guess I'm just used to an extremely different set up.
Spending Christmas there was extremely hard - tiny house and about 22 people in one room. I just want to escape all the time and have nothing in common with them.
BUT we don't go often. It just sets the whole relationship back as it makes me doubt things - probably just because I'm always exhausted.
I have suggested we stay in a hotel - but as his family has little money and are very close my partner says they'd find this strange and might be offended.
Any reassurance/thoughts on navigating this welcome. I worry if it can work long term (we don't have any kids, in late 40s)
Thanks

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 17/08/2023 10:40

I think it’s lovely . I have no family and my boyfriend has a massive one .
I think if you don’t like it then don’t go - as they will pick up on the vibes from you if you are feeling uncomfortable

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 10:52

I totally understand the feeling of being trapped and think it's completely fine to stay in a hotel. He only says they 'might' be offended and you can't be pussyfooting around on that basis, esp in your 40s - you're a grown up and you can have your own space if you can afford it, you don't have to be putting up with less ideal set-ups to be overly polite. Just say you want to treat yourself to a hotel stay as it's Christmas, there's nothing wrong with that whatsoever and it will mean you're in a better mood when you see them. Surely better to minimise arguments and maximise enjoyment.

mindutopia · 17/08/2023 11:21

I find this intense as well. I'm also very a small family - just me and my mum, and I don't even have her anymore, so it's just me. Dh has a big family. I don't mind them in small doses - I can do 24 hours. Anything longer than that, I find really difficult. They are perfectly nice, but they are the sort where all interaction is 'small talk'. I can only chatter for so many days about safe topics like the weather, the garden, what year some cousin's child is in school, how someone's planning application for their shed is going, etc.

The clincher with us is that they all come to us because we are the only ones who could host everyone, so no one would see each other if they didn't come and stay at our house to do it. I've started to just say, family can visit, but I'm not changing my plans. I busy myself with things I want to do and let dh get on with entertaining them. And I limit the days they are welcome to stay.

In your case, I think it's perfectly fine to say to your partner that you don't want to attend every gathering, or if you do, that you'll travel separately. He can go for 3 days or whatever, and you drive up for just the day and an overnight. Or you put your foot down and say you're staying in a hotel. They might think it's odd, but they'll have to get over it. You could always use the excuse that you've been not feeling well the first time so you wanted somewhere to rest where you wouldn't bother them.

I do think, to an extent, you need to suck it up and take one for the team if you want a happy relationship. Sometimes you need to grin and bear it for someone else to support them in something that matters to them. But you can make it more bearable for you with just a few quick fixes.

80s · 17/08/2023 11:30

Your dh is not being very understanding here, is he? Why is he so worried about what his family might feel and so unbothered about how you do feel?
Could you ramp up the assertiveness a bit more and make it clear that he needs to be more considerate?

randomusernam · 17/08/2023 11:34

Maybe try and be really direct and honest with them. Explain that the problem isn't with them, they are a lovely family and had your upbringing been different you might be ok but unfortunately you get very overwhelmed as you are used to a 2 person family. You love coming to see them and feel you might do better if you have somewhere to retreat to when needed. Staying in a hotel would be a good compromise. You can spend the day with them but know you can leave and have some peace when needed. Obviously if they don't have much money you would need to cover the cost of your hotel. Also could you try inviting mum and dad to you? Then each sister. So you break it down a bit and can get to know them a bit more one on one

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/08/2023 11:42

I wouldn’t want to upset and offend my own parents by staying in a hotel on the rare occasions when we visit. I’d feel embarrassed to even have to tell them that was our plan, and quite sad - so I think you really need to think about his feelings and why he’s not keen, rather than just your own feelings.

But then, I just think it’s one of those things to be navigated by sucking it up, to some extent. You say you don’t visit often. DP has a giant family back the US and whilst I don’t adore every aspect of our bi-annual trips back to see his many aunts and cousins and loads of friends, I know that it’s important to him.

Jamtartforme · 17/08/2023 11:44

Why are you exhausted?

Original poster
S2P78 · 17/08/2023 11:48

@Jamtartforme I think because I'm an introvert...so spending intense periods with masses of people and kids I don't know exhausts me. I love one to one time - but we don't get that there as just too many people. And because they all live a long way away and we both work full-time we usually can't go for long and so it's seeing everyone over a long weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
S2P78 · 17/08/2023 11:49

@randomusernam This is great advice, thanks!

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 17/08/2023 12:43

Hotel is a great idea, no idea why they might be offended at that! My Dh feels the same, he comes from a small introverted family, mine is loud and huge. He just never comes with me anymore, it’s too overwhelming and he ends up refusing to shout over my lot. He hates it and has visited loads over the years, but now I think he’s had enough. He wouldn’t stop me going, but it’s a big commitment, 5 hours’ drive so I just don’t make him.

Do you have to go? Would he be offended if you didn’t go every time?

BoohooWoohoo · 17/08/2023 12:46

Yanbu to feel overwhelmed but it's good that meet-ups don't happen too often too. How many days do visits last?
Personally I would suck it up as it sounds like they are nice people but I'd make sure that I had a quiet day or two at home before I had to return to work.

edinburghfun · 17/08/2023 12:51

I'm from a big family but hate staying in other peoples homes. Mostly related to me being a bit annoying with sleep patterns (wanting the TV on or a warm drink if I wake up) and also wanting to use a loo that's as private to me as possible. I'd go with this angle - it's not you; it's me.

Jamtartforme · 17/08/2023 12:54

Oh, I see. I think you’re just going to have to suck this one up - it’s his family, you don’t see them often, they’re not unkind or offensive or terrible hosts. Maybe have a little tipple at lunchtime to relax you?

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 13:04

I don't see why OP has to suck anything up. She's allowed to pay for herself to stay in a hotel if she wishes. If they're offended by that, they can suck that up, but it's mad to be offended by a woman in her 40s wanting to stay in a hotel. Nothing remotely abnormal about that. Relationships between generations in families have to evolve as we get older.

Jamtartforme · 17/08/2023 13:07

Because she’s the guest visiting her husband’s family, and generally that means bending a bit to their norms and how they usually do things. I can see why staying in a hotel would look a bit haughty. It’s OP’s issue to work through, not the family’s. I understand her feeling a bit drained, but sometimes we have to do things in life that are a bit uncomfortable.

Courgeon · 17/08/2023 13:24

There are ways round it. As an immediate family me, H and both kids all need our own space for our own peace and sanity so when we visit people we book a separate place. We're very clear about it and our families now accept this. We visit them in the day and then have the evenings quietly and demand free. There's nothing wrong with this! We're all neurodivergent and have to do this. DS just had an activity camp holiday last week and this week he's opted to not see any friends and most chill on his own, he needs the recovery time.

I think it would be a lot more bearable if you insisted on a hotel and made the visits shorter. This is a safe and reasonable compromise.

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 13:32

Hotels aren't haughty, that's bonkers. Making a guest unhappy at the expense of your own misplaced pride is bad hosting. It's OP's free time in her holidays and at Christmas so to make this an ordeal for her when it needn't be is daft. Compromise is key in making big family gatherings work. It can't be one lot gets all their own way and the rest has to put up, suffer and argue. Why have that year after year when you can learn from it, make an adjustment and see how much better it'll be?

theemmadilemma · 17/08/2023 13:38

Ex-DH and I were similar. I though a large family would be wonderful. I viewed it all through rose tinted glasses. The reality was boring, repetative and shit. I didn't want to listen to the gossip about people I (and in fairness he) barely fucking knew the whole time we were there.

While it wasn't a factor in why we split, I do wonder if it would have been eventually. I believe his new wife and him live with the parents now. FUCK NO.

Now DH has family is completely different and I don't face this issue.

You're either going to need to learn to suck it up, or remove yourself from the situation one way or the other.

CurlewKate · 17/08/2023 13:42

"Could you ramp up the assertiveness a bit more and make it clear that he needs to be more considerate?"

More considerate than wanting to see his family once a year???

Jk987 · 17/08/2023 14:29

Hotel is the answer. Don't focus on why you don't want to stay in their house, say why you want to stay in the hotel eg. Cheap deal, spa, comfort. You do not need to explain yourselves as grown adults! Your partner needs to stop pandering to them.

I can't believe you've nothing in common with any of them though! Sport, music, life experiences, love of chocolate? There must be something!

80s · 17/08/2023 14:32

CurlewKate · 17/08/2023 13:42

"Could you ramp up the assertiveness a bit more and make it clear that he needs to be more considerate?"

More considerate than wanting to see his family once a year???

Did I say that he should see his family less often???

CurlewKate · 17/08/2023 14:49

@80s
"Did I say that he should see his family less often???"

No-I know you didn't. But what I mean is that it's one day. It seems really unfair for the OP to expect him to change. I think she should just tough it out. Maybe develop a strategic headache and go for a walk for some "fresh air" at some point?

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 14:58

Doesn't sound like it's one day if hotels are being vaunted. OP mentioned long weekends and Christmas with families often stretches over more than the day itself.

80s · 17/08/2023 15:27

it's seeing everyone over a long weekend
It's a long weekend, and there's nothing about it only being once a year. It's a four-hour drive to get there. I used to have this with my exh (also 4hrs) and it was knackering; you'd be tired from the drive and then have to sit up late listening to an anecdote you had heard 10 times, or what someone's friend from school's daughter was now doing. They'd be funny about it if you wanted to go to bed at 10.30, as if you were unsociable.

With my current dp it's an even longer trip but the family expect you to be knackered and let you have a nap or go to bed when you want. The conversation is more interesting, and my dp would not make me feel bad about it if I said I found it hard work. Makes quite a difference.

UsingChangeofName · 17/08/2023 15:59

It is understandable that it is overwhelming for you, but do also bear in mind this is his normal, and he probably misses it hugely when not there.
Oddly, we were talking about very similar only this weekend, as one of my SiLs is the same - completely overwhelmed by our family get togethers.
What we have done is completely acknowledge it. Even if we go to their house, she takes herself off to the bedroom for an hour or two to sleep or read, or have a long bath if we are staying there.
It is about being honest and explaining to each other how you feel, as @randomusernam has said.
Like your dp, I'd find it odd if someone coming to stay, then wanted to book accommodation near by, but if you explained that it isn't any of them, but just this is so far from your comfort zone to have so many people about you, that you'd love to come, but that you need that retreat / recharge space as well, then I'd be fine with that.