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Original poster

Overwhelmed - DP's big family all in one town.

40 replies

S2P78 · 17/08/2023 09:34

Hello,
I've been with my lovely partner for five years, but every time we go to see his family (three sisters, nine nephews and nieces, husbands/partners, parents all in one small town four hours drive away) I end up exhausted and we argue. I am from a tiny family - really just my mum and I and she was at work a lot. So I guess I'm just used to an extremely different set up.
Spending Christmas there was extremely hard - tiny house and about 22 people in one room. I just want to escape all the time and have nothing in common with them.
BUT we don't go often. It just sets the whole relationship back as it makes me doubt things - probably just because I'm always exhausted.
I have suggested we stay in a hotel - but as his family has little money and are very close my partner says they'd find this strange and might be offended.
Any reassurance/thoughts on navigating this welcome. I worry if it can work long term (we don't have any kids, in late 40s)
Thanks

OP posts:
Jamtartforme · 17/08/2023 16:05

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 13:32

Hotels aren't haughty, that's bonkers. Making a guest unhappy at the expense of your own misplaced pride is bad hosting. It's OP's free time in her holidays and at Christmas so to make this an ordeal for her when it needn't be is daft. Compromise is key in making big family gatherings work. It can't be one lot gets all their own way and the rest has to put up, suffer and argue. Why have that year after year when you can learn from it, make an adjustment and see how much better it'll be?

Ordeal 🙄

tara66 · 20/08/2023 06:23

Sound worse than 3rd world prison - 22 in one room? Against fire regs too I should think. Hope no one needs loo!

dottiedodah · 20/08/2023 09:18

Surely this is why Premier Inn etc were invented! It sounds overwhelming to me .I would just say the truth ,you need your own space! They may be a bit surprised at first but would come round to the idea surely.DH should explain to them really.

Hereforaglance · 20/08/2023 10:19

If the tables were turned n u had the big family and he suggested staying in a hotel instead of with your family how wouod u feel i am. Guessing u would not b to amused

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 20/08/2023 10:22

Because she’s the guest visiting her husband’s family, and generally that means bending a bit to their norms and how they usually do things

And part of being a decent host is wanting your guests to be comfortable and happy when they come to see you and not expecting that just because they're YOUR norms they're the norms of everyone else.

80s · 20/08/2023 10:40

Funny. My dp has not yet visited my mum at all and I was the one who suggested we could stay in a hotel rather than at her house when we do go, so that he would not have to be quite so close to a load of my family in a tiny space. My mum would be delighted if we stay out of her way. Different families, different ways.

80s · 20/08/2023 10:42

(We are also older, like OP. I think that also makes a difference.)

Libra24 · 20/08/2023 17:56

Stay in a hotel. Or miss a year and do alternate.

Ragwort · 20/08/2023 18:02

Of course you should book in at a hotel, at the very least it is making things easier for your BF's family ... no need to get a guest room ready etc. if they are offended ... so what, it's an odd thing to be offended about, I am delighted if people 'visiting' us say they are booking a hotel, so much easier all round.

Or just don't go, I frequently visited my family without my DH needing to tag along and he does the same with his family. Be honest, most IL's would much rather see their 'own' adult child.

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2023 18:08

You are in your 40s. Put your foot down and insist on a hotel.

Spin it as it being easier on everyone to have fewer people sharing the bathroom. You can even take some backlash off your husband by vaguely alluding to you needing to feel like you can have more loo time now that you are getting older. Basically throw yourself under the bus and help your husband out with family relations. You get your hotel stay out of it and you don’t really care if these people are now thinking about your middle aged toileting routines so it doesn’t matter.

OriginalUsername2 · 20/08/2023 18:25

Pinkdelight3 · 17/08/2023 13:04

I don't see why OP has to suck anything up. She's allowed to pay for herself to stay in a hotel if she wishes. If they're offended by that, they can suck that up, but it's mad to be offended by a woman in her 40s wanting to stay in a hotel. Nothing remotely abnormal about that. Relationships between generations in families have to evolve as we get older.

I agree with this. Grownups should get to make reasonable choices.without other grownups sulking.

I hate the “suck it up” mentality when it comes to sharing space as an adult. What if everyone there is sucking it up and arguing in the car, faking enjoyment and masking stress for 3 days, happily waving goodbye and cooing “see you soooon!” whilst muttering “not too bloody soon I hope” under their breaths? 😄

Ragwort · 20/08/2023 18:30

At your age surely you have the confidence to say to your BF that you are much more comfortable staying in a hotel, it's not as if you are teenager being introduced to someone's family for the first time.

Penguinmouse · 22/08/2023 14:09

Are you joking? OP would be delighted. There’s nothing wrong with needing your own space

Internationalpony · 23/08/2023 08:00

I feel the same with my DH’s family although it’s just parents & 2 siblings and their DPs with 2 kids each so not as big as yours with all the cousins. My family is a similar size so I think it’s more to do with being introverted & not having much in common with them. I often have a headache by the time we get there just from knowing what’s to come and then generally get a migraine while we’re there! I think it’s being “always on” and the discomforts with staying in someone else’s house e.g. they have totally different cleanliness standards in the kitchen so I feel really uncomfortable eating there but they never want to eat out.

A couple of things that have helped me:

  • If they’re like my in laws they all sit around in the living room for days on end. Now I insist to my DH that we make plans to go somewhere - research the area in advance and look for nice walks, a country park, a pretty village, national trust properties etc. My DH will say “we really want to visit x while we’re down so which is the best day for us to do that?.” Sometimes not everyone will come because they’ll say the kids will get a cold etc. When you’re walking around outside it’s less intense chat, people break off and you can have periods of just walking with your DH in peace.
  • Going out for coffee in the morning. I say I only drink barista coffee (yes they do roll their eyes but at least they can’t take it personally) and that it’s a real treat while we’re away to get a barista coffee in the morning. So when we get up we pop out to a local coffee shop. If anyone is around we invite them but it’s not something everyone wants to do as a group trip so is an excuse to nip out for an hour (and for me means I can have a coffee in a clean cup & breakfast without worrying)! Could you say the same (or something else you like to nip out and get daily like the newspaper) to give you a little break from them?

I know my in laws would be really offended if we stayed in a hotel and it would cause a big fall out but not everyone is the same. If it’s a few nights could you split your time and stay with them a night or two and then a night or two in a hotel? As others have said you could say you want to treat yourselves or if you just do it for the last night you could say you want to set off early in the morning without disturbing anyone?

Internationalpony · 23/08/2023 08:05

Ragwort · 20/08/2023 18:02

Of course you should book in at a hotel, at the very least it is making things easier for your BF's family ... no need to get a guest room ready etc. if they are offended ... so what, it's an odd thing to be offended about, I am delighted if people 'visiting' us say they are booking a hotel, so much easier all round.

Or just don't go, I frequently visited my family without my DH needing to tag along and he does the same with his family. Be honest, most IL's would much rather see their 'own' adult child.

A lot of people don’t have that attitude with family. My parents are like you and will do a big spring clean and get everything ready for us coming to stay. My in laws attitude is that you don’t need to do that for family and we can turn up anytime so they wouldn’t be doing anything to get a guest room ready.

They moved house when all their children were in their thirties and still insisted on a 4 bed house so they have plenty of space for their kids and grandkids to stay! They’d be extremely offended at us not wanting to stay there and spend as much time as possible with them when we don’t see them often and OP in laws might be the same.

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