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Original poster

DH on Grindr and Reddit sexually explicit categories

29 replies

wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 12:23

Name changed to keep this separate from my other posts and don't want to be connected in case it's outing. Long term poster.

DH and I had a conversation the other day about our sexual preferences. In conversation he stated he was on Reddit and Grindr - I asked him to stop. He said he had. Just looked through his iPad and discovered he's not. He's still talking to all sorts about stuff that frankly I find awful.

He's recently started testosterone owing to extremely low levels and I have noticed many positive benefits, this is not one of them. He has a really busy week this week and I don't want to risk bringing this up and derailing him.

I'm female and bisexual. DH is pansexual. We have had an open relationship in the past.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 16/08/2023 12:32

What do you want?

You say you had an open relationship in the past - does that mean you'd agreed to close, and he's effectively started along the road of cheating?

Do you have an active sex life together at the moment? If not is that important to you?
Would you consider an open relationship again?

There's no right or wrong answer here.

You said on your other thread that you don't want to split up? If he's up for staying togehter and that's the most important thing for you what compromises would you make to achieve it?

If they're not acceptable, think about the ways that you could make a split work.

porridgeisbae · 16/08/2023 12:59

I would be pretty disgusted by him having discussions of the type you describe. Especially as he's said he'd stop and he didn't.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:02

Pan sexual .... Smh.

You had an open relationship at one point. It appears you've closed it.

However he is acting like it's still open (even if it's not in person/physical).

So he's cheating really.

Your choices are to end the relationship or to open it again, since he's not prepared to.close it from his side and be monogamous.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 13:06

I asked him to stop. He said he had. Just looked through his iPad and discovered he's not. He's still talking to all sorts about stuff that frankly I find awful.

That shows that - when you ask him to be faithful/monogamous, he doesn't want to be and either a. I'd ok with lying to you about it or b. Is ok with you finding out about it and ending the relationship.

Neither of those are feasible.

From the sounds of it he's not cut out for or capable of a monogamous relationship. Perhaps you need to cut your losses.

YouveGotAFastCar · 16/08/2023 13:12

Do you want to reopen the marriage? Are you happy for DH to do so?

If not, I think this is the end of the road for you as a couple.

Not because of his sexual interests, necessarily - but because he's lied to you. There's not really any coming back from that.

Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 15:29

Update - call it a hunch. I searched where his phone was and isolated the location. Went to the location. He's had sex with a man. Frankly, I'm devastated.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 16/08/2023 15:50

I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter that your relationship was open at one point. You had closed it again. This is cheating and he knew it. You asked him to shut down those accounts. He agreed but then didn't. He knew what he was doing was wrong; it's not a mistake that just happened. He actively planned this and did so knowing you wouldn't be okay with it. He's been cheating, plain and simple.

Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 16:01

beenwhereyouare · 16/08/2023 15:50

I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter that your relationship was open at one point. You had closed it again. This is cheating and he knew it. You asked him to shut down those accounts. He agreed but then didn't. He knew what he was doing was wrong; it's not a mistake that just happened. He actively planned this and did so knowing you wouldn't be okay with it. He's been cheating, plain and simple.

He says he was going to tell me after. Convincing himself that although I'd be angry it would be ok. I feel like a fucking doormat.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 16/08/2023 16:17

So the other man was his 3:00 "meeting"? What an asshole!

I want to suggest that you leave the AIBU thread. Comments there tend to be more emotional, impulsive and sometimes lacking empathy.

However, one poster had a good point: Why should you be the one to leave? You and your DC did nothing wrong! Pack a black bin liner for him. Tell HIM to leave and give you some headspace so you can start deciding what you want. He owes you this, at the very least.

Sending a mental handhold and hug- this is unraveling very quickly and I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.

beenwhereyouare · 16/08/2023 16:25

wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 16:01

He says he was going to tell me after. Convincing himself that although I'd be angry it would be ok. I feel like a fucking doormat.

Show quote history

You're no doormat. I asked my therapist why men cheat- she said because they feel entitled to.

Channel your anger and let it help you to be strong. Whatever you decide, remember he did this; he hurt you, took advantage of your trust, and crapped all over your marriage. It's his job to clean it all up, if that's even possible. Please don't take any blame for what he's done.

Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 16:31

beenwhereyouare · 16/08/2023 16:17

So the other man was his 3:00 "meeting"? What an asshole!

I want to suggest that you leave the AIBU thread. Comments there tend to be more emotional, impulsive and sometimes lacking empathy.

However, one poster had a good point: Why should you be the one to leave? You and your DC did nothing wrong! Pack a black bin liner for him. Tell HIM to leave and give you some headspace so you can start deciding what you want. He owes you this, at the very least.

Sending a mental handhold and hug- this is unraveling very quickly and I can only imagine how devastated you must feel.

No. He was going to the gym then had a message for a hook up, he agreed. That was this morning.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/08/2023 16:32

🌺

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/08/2023 16:36

Pack him and bag. Text him and tell him his bag is on the front step and he needs to find somewhere else to stay for the foreseeable.

Remember - this is just the first time you've caught him. That doesn't mean it's actually the first time full stop.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/08/2023 16:40

When did rhe relationship stop being open? Was it mutually agreed?

Was an open relationship equally wanted on both parts?

KateJohns · 16/08/2023 16:43

Here's your bed.
It was from IKEA.
Enjoy lying in it.

Or, dismantle it and make a new one with someone else and savour faithfulness.
Push open relationship and nonsense sexualities and you'll breed unfaithfulness, can't be surprised when there's no faithful behaviour.

category12 · 16/08/2023 16:49

Well, he's been unfaithful.

So it's whether you want to tolerate that or whether you're going to split up.

I would not believe you can change to a monogamous relationship with him, as he's ignored the closing of the relationship, ignored being asked to stop with the apps and went ahead & had a hook up. Which is incredibly disrespectful.

You're not going to be able to trust him to stick by any future agreements as he's blasted through and done what he wanted anyhow, so I would cut your losses.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 17:46

Toss him back op.

Pan sexual polygamists (or is that polygynists since he was happy to let you stick to fidelity/a closed relationship while doing this behind your back) who hook up with men off grindr are not relationship material, let alone marriage material.

Citizens advice is good for financial, benefits etc advice.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 17:47

Actually it wouldn't be a polygynist, since he doesn't only shag women. Excuse my waffling.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 21:14

Pansexual my arse. He just means he'll shag anyone.

What's your family situation like?

RandomMess · 16/08/2023 21:27
Flowers
Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 16/08/2023 23:18

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/08/2023 21:14

Pansexual my arse. He just means he'll shag anyone.

What's your family situation like?

I am estranged from everyone. Mum died when I was a toddler and grew up in a very abusive household. Hence estrangement now.

OP posts:
Naunet · 17/08/2023 10:01

He’s disgusting, you really need to leave him. Are you in a financial position to do so?

Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 17/08/2023 10:41

Naunet · 17/08/2023 10:01

He’s disgusting, you really need to leave him. Are you in a financial position to do so?

I could do. We did talk yesterday. My emotions and thoughts are all over the place. We have agreed to seek marriage counselling.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/08/2023 17:45

Do you think that because you are quite isolated he's complacent that you won't break up with him no matter what because you need him? Hence he feels safe to go fuck someone else and you'll just be a bit cross but put up with it.

Also, if you've grown up in an abusive home, your boundaries might be skewed, so you might be inclined to tolerate things you shouldn't.

I'd look for counselling on your own as well.

Original poster
wtfdoido1 · 17/08/2023 19:37

category12 · 17/08/2023 17:45

Do you think that because you are quite isolated he's complacent that you won't break up with him no matter what because you need him? Hence he feels safe to go fuck someone else and you'll just be a bit cross but put up with it.

Also, if you've grown up in an abusive home, your boundaries might be skewed, so you might be inclined to tolerate things you shouldn't.

I'd look for counselling on your own as well.

I think he honestly didn't think. Other than with his dick. He is all over the place at the moment.

Yes - my boundaries are not great. I have had year's of therapy and currently having therapy now (although about to wrap up).

OP posts: