DH on Grindr and Reddit sexually explicit categories

[wtfdoido1]

Name changed to keep this separate from my other posts and don't want to be connected in case it's outing. Long term poster.

DH and I had a conversation the other day about our sexual preferences. In conversation he stated he was on Reddit and Grindr - I asked him to stop. He said he had. Just looked through his iPad and discovered he's not. He's still talking to all sorts about stuff that frankly I find awful.

He's recently started testosterone owing to extremely low levels and I have noticed many positive benefits, this is not one of them. He has a really busy week this week and I don't want to risk bringing this up and derailing him.

I'm female and bisexual. DH is pansexual. We have had an open relationship in the past.

Any advice?

This is not you or your marriages fault. This is your husbands fault. He is a liar. He knew his behaviour was unacceptable abd he chose to cross boundaries. You could not prevent this and you didn’t cause it.

Your marriage didn’t cheat - he did. Until he has worked out why he felt it was acceptable to lie and cheat there is no point wasting your money on marriage counselling. He is the problem and he needs to find out why he is a problem. (Clue it’s usually a sense of entitlement, possibly poor self esteem, inability to control himself, the fact he is a liar, and selfishness and maybe lack of for sight).

I would not cheat on my husband even if he has really fucked me off because I would betray myself. You cannot make someone cheat just like I can’t make a vegetarian eat meat or I can’t make a teetotal person drink a pint. Their integrity, beliefs and values do not let them eat meat or drink alcohol.

Until he works out who he is he is unsafe as a partner - he is risking passing on stds to you plus emotional damage (cheating causes ptsd).

You deserve better, he’s a scum bag, and I am sorry you are collateral damage for his poor values and lack of integrity. I’ve said before there is no gift from having a cheater in your midst except when and if you have hit rock bottom you may find the strength to rebuild yourself as a person you are really proud of. You didn’t cheat, you have integrity and you are discussing forgiveness (marriage counselling) you have plenty to be proud of - don’t let your self esteem diminish because of this - he’s the shit bag not you. You didn’t cause this and you cannot stop it. Spend the money on your own counselling and do yourself proud - don’t waste money on marriage counselling where a poor counsellor will say the marriage caused it! Err no it didn’t, his lack of integrity caused it.

I agree with @category12 that you also need independent counseling for this. You already have a therapist who will have a lot of background information, so it wouldn't be like starting from scratch. When/if you feel ready then you could go for marriage counseling, but I hope you'll call your therapist and discuss this first. You said your boundaries aren't great- that's all the more reason to use this time to strengthen them. Could he be using your past relationship to try to normalize what he's done or is doing? And the testosterone treatments? They're not an excuse as you are warned about side effects. Was he using the websites before he started the testosterone?

I really have so much sympathy for you. Reading this has made me feel as protective of you as I would be if it was happening to one of my girls. You do not deserve the cheating or any of this. Your dc ARE your family; please love and protect yourself for their sake and your own. Your husband- don't spend sympathy on him. He certainly hasn't given any to you.

I know how hard it can be to split up, but I hope you find the strength to be really kind to YOURSELF and that you don't let him blame you or minimize what he's done. It really is ALL his fault.

And listen to what @Monkeylimas said.

Thank you for taking the time to respond 💐