Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Working through infidelity? Possible or not?

46 replies

Porageeater · 16/08/2023 08:56

Dh has been caught online cheating. Pics and messages. The person is known to me but lives on the other side of the world and there is not much chance of anything else between them. He says nothing else has happened or with anyone else and I think I believe him. We have been together for over 20 years and have teenage dc.

Now we are at the point of what do I do here. Throw in the towel or try to work it through.

Has anyone managed to work through this and if so what needed to happen for trust to be restored? There is other behaviour I haven’t been that happy with too so I’m not sure at this point if I just want to LTB.

He said he wants to work through it but then he said ‘you will never be able to trust me again’. So maybe I should just listen to what he is telling me there instead of investing in expensive counselling?

OP posts:
penguinxoxo · 16/08/2023 09:05

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Personally this wouldn’t be something I could work through but I’m very much from the “once a cheat always a cheat” camp. Once the trust is gone that would be it for me, I think trust is very difficult, if not impossible, to restore after something like this.

That said, I do have a friend that stayed with her husband after similar circumstances and they pursued counselling. He lets her check his phone on a regular basis, deleted all social media etc… however if he’s late back from work or stuck in traffic or something her mind, understandably, always jumps to the possibility he’s cheating again. She says they are in a better place in their relationship 2 years later however will never be able to fully trust him again.

SunflowerTed · 16/08/2023 09:08

I wouldn’t be interested into continuing this marriage. He’ll have got a taste for the thrill of online flirting

Nelly10 · 16/08/2023 09:23

Personally I think when the trust has been broken it can never be restored.

Its horrible trying to live like that with a person who has betrayed you.

I speak from experience, it was a kick out job for me.

Good luck op.

LurkingMenace · 16/08/2023 09:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

letthatmango · 16/08/2023 09:26

‘He said he wants to work through it but then he said ‘you will never be able to trust me again’.’

Reconciliation involves the cheat moving heaven and earth to regain trust. Full transparency, empathy, absolute honesty, grace and a willingness to do anything to help the betrayed partner feel safe.

Quite frankly it’s not your bloody job to trust him it’s his job to regain your trust because he’s truly remorseful.

Thos comment alone is enough for me to tell me he is unremorseful, regretful possibly but he believes it’s not his job to repair this.

Too many people threw themselves into staying after infidelity not understanding at all what it looks like and the sheer hard work that must come from the cheat. This is where it happens again.

If you’re considering reconciliation knowledge is power. Read ‘leave a cheat gain a life’ for cheater script. Read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ for a basic road map out, get yourself on surviving infidelity (incredible website) and read stories or post for support. Watch affair recovery videos.

Be very VERY careful with couples counselling that you find one not willing to go down an affair apologist route. To be honest in true reconciliation he should be in individual counselling to work out what led him to be so selfish and entitled.

Time will tell you whether you can stay or not. His actions are everything right now.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 09:32

You will be the one doing all the work, I assure you, and when he inevitably cheats again, he'll say, "See, I told you you'd never trust me again."

Fuck that. Don't waste your time.

Tippley · 16/08/2023 09:34

I do think for some it's possible, but if he's saying you'll never trust him again then I'd listen to what he's saying and act accordingly.

Viviennemary · 16/08/2023 09:35

He hasn't cheated. He hadn't even met this person. Just move on from this if you want the marriage to last. If you dont then separate.

BeggyMitchell · 16/08/2023 09:42

The problem is in situations like this, whether you realise it or not, resentment builds. IME when it gets to a certain point there's no going back, and for good reason.

MMmomDD · 16/08/2023 09:43

OP - its your life and it needs to make sense and work for you. What others’s say they’d do is irrelevant - because they are not living your life.
And so many people come here saying - i’d always thought it was a dealbreaker, but now i am in this place and i want to work through….

First of all - take your time to decide what you want. There are plenty of resources where you can talk with people going through the same - look up ‘Surviving Infidelity’. Also - i do think Ester Perel has a lot of interesting thoughts, especially for people in long relationships - ‘The State of the Affair’. There is a FB support group too.

Infidelity happens for all kinds of reasons. And in so many different ways. Not all are the same or equal. And some are easier to work through than others. Or, maybe, some are more forgivable.
If you do decide to stay - its possible to rebuild the trust. It’ll take time and work from both. It starts with open and honest communication. It’ll need counselling and often needs re-tuning of the relationship.
20 years is a long time. Probably worth giving it a try.
Unless - the relationship had run its course and you are only together because it inertia. So - this can be a catalyst to shake up both of your lives.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 16/08/2023 09:47

Not a comment on what you should do OP but just to say, I cheated - slept with a friend a few times- many years ago whilst I was with DP.
completely wrong on my part, I was unstable and unhappy at the time but not an excuse.
I have not cheated again and never would now. DP and I are super strong and happy.
so, once a cheat always a cheat was certainly not true for me.

PaintedEgg · 16/08/2023 10:09

from personal experience - i dont think its worth it. it would take so much effort just to be with someone who is clearly not worth it...

Nelly10 · 16/08/2023 10:25

PaintedEgg · 16/08/2023 10:09

from personal experience - i dont think its worth it. it would take so much effort just to be with someone who is clearly not worth it...

This!

27penny · 16/08/2023 10:34

Twoshoesnewshoes · 16/08/2023 09:47

Not a comment on what you should do OP but just to say, I cheated - slept with a friend a few times- many years ago whilst I was with DP.
completely wrong on my part, I was unstable and unhappy at the time but not an excuse.
I have not cheated again and never would now. DP and I are super strong and happy.
so, once a cheat always a cheat was certainly not true for me.

Did you tell your DP?

Frogger8395 · 16/08/2023 10:35

Before you forgive a cheater it’s vital to know whether they want forgiving. Because many of them don’t.

It’s really unfortunate he’s got caught the very first time he’s cheated.

GreyCarpet · 16/08/2023 10:35

I'm not at all in the 'once a cheat, always a cheat' camp but I still wouldn't try and work through any kind of infidelity.

I want to be with someone with integrity who respects me. im not about to put myself through trying to learn to trust someome again who has proved to me they are untrustworthy. Life is too short for that.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 16/08/2023 10:39

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.
I consider myself a good forgiver but infidelity is one thing I don't think I could get past.

VeridicalVagabond · 16/08/2023 10:40

It's the disrespect of me that I couldn't cope with in situations like this. I can't fathom it, putting your ego and penis/vagina before your partner is just utterly incomprehensible to me.

I'm also in the once a cheat always a cheat camp, because I think everyone has the potential to cheat and once they've done it and gotten away with it once, the likelihood of doing it again increases exponentially.

I couldn't respect a cheater, and couldn't be with someone who didn't respect me, which is what a cheater is when you get down to it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 10:55

Viviennemary · 16/08/2023 09:35

He hasn't cheated. He hadn't even met this person. Just move on from this if you want the marriage to last. If you dont then separate.

Don't be wilfully obtuse.

Messaging, pics, sexting etc is cheating.

It would certainly be cheating if op had done it to him, you can bet your bottom dollar.

Time4achange2 · 16/08/2023 10:55

Yes it's possible to move on....if YOU want to. Everyone is human and if this is the only issue you have in a long marriage then you should be able to work through it if he is prepared to put in the work and accepts new conditions and boundaries (such as total transparency) are in place as a result of his behaviour.

Time and time again I read that people cheat due to lack of attention, sex, staleness and general neglect within their marriage. Couple often turn outwards, mind on career, children, hobbies and that early years excitement of lust and companionship gets forgotten. Marriages need effort putting in, such as date nights, time away together, communication, new joint interests and most importantly intimacy.

If he comes clean and opens up about why he felt the need to do this and behave so inappropriately, can you take it on board and work together to reconnect? I don't mean let him blame you but obviously something was astray for him to betray you. Are you able to give patience and understanding and ultimately Forgiveness? Good people make bad mistakes and for your marriage to have lasted so long, there must be a glimmer of hope.

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 10:57

There is other behaviour I haven’t been that happy with too

What's the other behaviour, if you don't mind saying.

Cheating is often just part and parcel of an entire picture of entitlement, selfishness and an unequal dynamic in a relationship.

GreekGod · 16/08/2023 10:59

It’s a very personal decision. Some people can live with it - others cannot.

my personal view is that once a cheater, always a cheater

Time4achange2 · 16/08/2023 11:02

So easy for strangers on a forum to cry LTB and paint life in black and white when in reality there are so many variables of grey and people are only human. This is a long marriage, possibly with children. None of us know what OP's life or marriage is like on a day to day basis and what each bring to the table but to advise blowing it up as a result of this indiscretion by her husband is totally irresponsible. She's already hurt and guilting her if she decides to stay is very, very wrong.

H112 · 16/08/2023 11:03

He wants to leave. This was his way out 💐

TheoTheopolis23 · 16/08/2023 11:14

Time4achange2 · 16/08/2023 11:02

So easy for strangers on a forum to cry LTB and paint life in black and white when in reality there are so many variables of grey and people are only human. This is a long marriage, possibly with children. None of us know what OP's life or marriage is like on a day to day basis and what each bring to the table but to advise blowing it up as a result of this indiscretion by her husband is totally irresponsible. She's already hurt and guilting her if she decides to stay is very, very wrong.

Haven't seen one person cry ltb.

Op had said he's been caught cheating and there is other behaviour she's unhappy with, and that she's inclined to end the relationship. She sounds like she's had it. Read between the lines.

However, noone has pressured her to leave, they've just given their opinions on the situation or how they'd feel about it, that's all they can.

Swipe left for the next trending thread