Working through infidelity? Possible or not?

[Porageeater]

Dh has been caught online cheating. Pics and messages. The person is known to me but lives on the other side of the world and there is not much chance of anything else between them. He says nothing else has happened or with anyone else and I think I believe him. We have been together for over 20 years and have teenage dc.

Now we are at the point of what do I do here. Throw in the towel or try to work it through.

Has anyone managed to work through this and if so what needed to happen for trust to be restored? There is other behaviour I haven’t been that happy with too so I’m not sure at this point if I just want to LTB.

He said he wants to work through it but then he said ‘you will never be able to trust me again’. So maybe I should just listen to what he is telling me there instead of investing in expensive counselling?

*that's all they can do

‘He said he wants to work through it but then he said ‘you will never be able to trust me again’.’

This is all very "woe is me". Also, how dare he tell you how you will react!!

The only answer is "I don't know. Maybe I can, maybe I can't. It's totally on you to try to re-earn my trust and not on me to learn to trust you again. "

Time and time again I read that people cheat due to lack of attention, sex, staleness and general neglect within their marriage. Couple often turn outwards, mind on career, children, hobbies and that early years excitement of lust and companionship gets forgotten. Marriages need effort putting in, such as date nights, time away together, communication, new joint interests and most importantly intimacy.

People cheat due to lack of integrity.

Millions of people will experience all of the above, not all of them will cheat.

Never underestimate the series of stop signs that someone has to go through, to cheat. They don't stop at the stop signs. They haven't got the integrity or lack of selfishness to.

@TheoTheopolis23

'People cheat due to lack of integrity'

Yes, maybe so 'at the time' of the decision to cheat, betray and forget their wedding vows but doesn't mean they should be written off.

Stats show 50+% of people cheat at some time in their marriage - so are you saying same percentage in this country lack any integrity and are not trustworthy or only view them as that once you are aware they are cheaters?

How does this account for all the known adulterous politicians such as BJ getting into power? Folk knew he lacked integrity, wasn't trustworthy etc but still voted for him.

Cheating is totally wrong but how a couple resolve this it isn't black and white. Some cannot forgive a cheater and it may be part of other issues and poor behaviours in the relationship but on an isolated basis it may be something the couple can recover from and the cheater work to regain integrity.

Cheating is totally wrong but how a couple resolve this it isn't black
and white. Some cannot forgive a cheater and it may be part of other
issues and poor behaviours in the relationship but on an isolated basis
it may be something the couple can recover from and the cheater work to
regain integrity.

Integrity is not something that can be learnt, it is inate.

How does this account for all the known adulterous politicians such as BJ getting into power? Folk knew he lacked integrity, wasn't trustworthy etc but still voted for him.

Boris Johnson was voted in as leader by the general membership of the conservative party, not by the British electorate.
He got 66% so even then, nearly 50% of them didn't want him.

I don't know what the people in the conservative general membership thought of him cheating on and leaving his ill partner; but his conduct and record as leader, once in, certainly bore out the fact that the same lack of integrity was consistent throughout his character & behaviour. No matter how he spins it, he was not successful, he was put out, and he looks - to anyone with a brain - like a chancer, a sociopath, personality disordered etc.

(I'm not sure what was apparent about his character and behaviour when he was first voted in as an MP, but he was already in by the time he cheated on and left his spouse/partner).

As for politicians who were caught cheating after being voted in, it would be interesting to track their fortunes after they were caught.

In any case, many people think (arguably wrongly) that someone can be competent at a job while having low integrity in personal relationships. That's not strictly true esp when it comes to Jo's that are prone to bribery and corruption but .....

So a straight "why would people vote in cheaters or keep voting in cheaters" is a different question from .. why would someone stay with a cheater in a personal relationship.

Nope

I think it’s down to what happens next and sadly most of that lies with the ability of the cheater to analyse themselves and be honest with themselves and their loved ones - not something they tend to be good at. They tend to be compartmentalisers and liars and attention seekers who require validation. Many have a black hole that needs constant validation.

Do not entertain any counselling if there is a hint at ‘your marriage caused this’. No it didn’t - if it did anyone who was unhappy would cheat. Only some people cheat. You do t want to leave counselling thinking it was your fault.

This is an issue of poor boundaries, lack of self respect and integrity. So why did he cheat? What reason did he give? Any hint of anything to do with you and cut him off. You didn’t cause this and you can’t stop it. This is down to him. You cannot let your self esteem be destroyed so cut him off at any such nonsense. He stopped being able to blame the marriage when he hid the first message. If he was unhappy he should have said before he hid the text. Cheating will never resolve marriage issues it only makes them worse. If you were the nastiest wife in history he could have left and kept his integrity and stayed true to his vows - he chose not to - that’s his issue not yours or your marriages. You can no longer fix the hole in the roof as he has put a bomb in the building and blown it to shreds. You need to start from scratch.

Until he has done hard work discovering why he allowed this to happen you can’t work through it as he isn’t safe. ‘I’ll never do it again’ doesn’t work as it doesn’t make sense - why won’t you do it now when you did it then! Your marriage is now going to be battered by the emotional fall out from his poor choice - if he thought it was bad pre affair he’s in for a nasty surprise as it’s about to get 10 x worse. So ‘I won’t cheat’ doesn’t cut the mustard.

What’s changed - you catching him doesn’t cause change (just hiding stuff better).

Does her partner know? If not tell him now - makes it harder to go underground if both of them are fighting to save their marriages. Also he may find out different details.

I also hate to say it but when you dig around you are highly likely to find more. Be it dating websites or previous emotional affairs or web cams or chat rooms. Do not leave a stone unturned on all devices. Get him to write a timeline and do a lie detector test (you can get UK ones) if you even remotely believe in them working. People on the SI website say they lead to car park confessions.

It is your decision to stay and I understand why you want to. But you cannot overcome or forgive what you don’t know. And he needs to know why he did it or he is not safe for you. Also expect there to be more to come out via trickle truth.

I hope you are okay op. Get counselling for yourself - the only gift you will get is rebuilding who you are and maybe finding parts of you that are lost. You are between a rock and a hard place, collateral damage to his poor choices and lack of integrity.

Stats show 50+% of people cheat at some time in their marriage - so are you saying same percentage in this country lack any integrity and are not trustworthy or only view them as that once you are aware they are cheaters?

I think it's perfectly feasible that up to.50% of the population have npd or spd etc., Yes. Just from experience of life; I'd say at least half of the people I've met (maybe more) do.

I'd also add that, in terms of people voting for people with low integrity within any organisation Inc political parties; narcs and sociopaths are notoriously charismatic and good at playing power games and at dominating .... While people can also be anything from naive to easily fooled to eager to be on the "right" IE the successful/winning side within an organisation so I would never presume most people vote with true integrity or good sense.

This is why, for example, a personality disordered psychopathic liar was voted in as the leader of the 9 11 victims family & friends representation group; while successfully ousting the genuine & well adjusted relatives of 9 11 victims who were previously leaders.

It's not realistic re. human nature and dynamics to think people vote in or support only others with integrity. There are many other factors at play, humans will often abandon integrity for being in the perceived strongest or winning side. We are only social, hierarchical apes after all.

That is separate from the wisdom etc of staying in personal relationships with people with low integrity.

there is an explanation for every single bad thing people do - but there is a reason why some people, in the same circumstances, chose to act with integrity and stay fair while others don't

personally i don't care what was the reason for someone cheating - they didn't have to, they chose to and they will most likely do it again unless everything is perfectly aligned to how they want it, otherwise they will have another "valid reason" to lie and cheat

I was also in the camp of 'once a cheat, always a cheat' but real life isnt so black and white.
My DH cheated in the midst of severe depression/breakdown. He came clean when he hit rock bottom. Years later it doesn't even feel like it happened. He went straight into rehab, now sober, individual counseling for both of us and couples at a later stage. I trust him completely. It took a lot of work but it started with him and he needed to prove to me, with both actions and words, that he was remorseful and was willing to do whatever was necessary. Thankfully he did.

Wow thank you a lot of really thoughtful and helpful replies. I will read them all again carefully.

I am grateful for the wisdom that it is not my job to learn to trust him but his to do everything in his power to make it happen if we were to move on. This is key and I don’t think he wants to or is able. So yes his actions now will be telling.

The other behaviour yes is a certain amount of selfishness and being overly critical or defaulting to anger when stressed. He doesn’t have much frustration tolerance. He is able to compartmentalise things in a way I could not. There is some childhood trauma there. He needs to be transparent and work hard on himself but I can’t make him do that.

He said that it was nothing to do with me or the marriage and not my fault. I think I need to be careful of a tendency in myself to take the blame for things.

We do get on very well sometimes and enjoy each others company obviously as wouldn’t have lasted this long otherwise. I have approached counselling for myself today as I think this may be the first step to help me get more clarity for myself.

Sack any counsellor who suggests you caused it. You didn’t cause it just like you can’t make a non smoker smoke and you can’t make someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, drink. If only we had such power!

You said you were unhappy too but you didn’t run off and have an emotional affair! You are no doubt very very unhappy now but again I don’t imagine you are downloading dating apps or sniffing around men asking to fill your self esteem tank. Unhappiness does not lead to cheating. Poor boundaries, coping mechanisms and poor self worth lead to cheating. But cheaters don’t like that being said about them.

Watch his actions. In my opinion Most marriages cannot over come infidelity because the cheater cannot take responsibility and change. Hence they cheated and didn’t talk.

Good luck op. I hope you find happiness.

You need to fully understand what lead him to carry out this behaviour. There us something he was missing in your relationship for him to seek it elsewhere. This would best be done with counselling.
Once this is out in the open then you can both work on moving forward either together or apart. He will need to gain your trust again and you will need to learn to trust him if his actions allow.
I hope it works out for the best.

Loads of people get through actual affairs not this messaging someone on the other side of the world blip. If there is true intention on all sides, it can be done

Personally I'd be a bit freaked out by my H having an online 'affair' I mean.. is going to run away to another country to be with her?? Off you fuck pal. One way ticket

It’s a wee bit more than that. He has known her a long time and she was here visiting her parents a while ago. Sorry if that’s a bit of a drip feed. He says nothing physical has happened but what do I know really? There’s little chance of them continuing on with a physical relationship though obviously. Or at least he’d have to wait another couple of years until she visits again. It is a bit more than just some random on instagram or something

I don’t think so but anything is possible I suppose

Poor boundaries, coping mechanisms and poor self worth lead to cheating. But cheaters don’t like that being said about them.

You missed the most important factors.

Selfishness, entitlement, greed, low integrity, lack of empathy etc.