Disappointing end to promising relationship

[famousforwrongreason]

Hi, I have been seeing an old friend for a few months, it has been thoroughly enjoyable and everything seemed to work well, lots of shared history, friends etc so it was a nice antidote to all the weird online dating experiences, stranger danger etc and felt really easy and safe.
We were jointly at an event , not together, I was there with my kids and he was with friends .
He was really drunk, ncoherent and messy.
I had never seen him like it and it was unnerving especially in front of the kids so I just ended the relationship because I don't want to risk it happening in future or worse around my kids if and when We further down the line of our relationship.
He is mortified, embarrassed etc and adamant it was a one off, won't get that drunk agein, will just not drink etc
I was the child of an alcoholic and it triggered a lot of things which I'm having therapy for and it feels like its pointless having therapy then putting myself in a situation where there's a possibility of exposing my kids to things I experienced as a child , plus making myself feel vulnerable unsafe.

I thought we were jointly happy and it was a shock to see him so out of it

The trouble is I don't feel ready to let go and had high hopes for our relationship to blossom.
We have so many things in common and amazing sex, lots of laughter and really easy times together.
I don't know how to completely break off Because of the chemistry, Because of the existing emotional commitment and Because I love the person he is .

I didn't realise that he drank to this extent, it transpires its a periodic thing that I've never witnessed but others have and he says me ending it , the kids seeing him like it is the wake up call And he's sorting it out for himself whether or not I'm there .

Some people say I'm making the right decision, other people say I've made my point and he is prepared to change it So I should give him a chance .
I know that some people get blind drunk on a regular basis and have many friends who are falling down drunk at times, their kids see it and I'm always mortified for the kids, and thses are middle class wine or gin drinking mums, I think it's accepted by some that we just 'get pissed' and are messy, it's no biggie.

I don't know if my visceral reaction is just because of my own history and issues?
I feel it would be inappropriate to have him back in my life because of the kids, I don't want them on eggshells worrying he will be like it another day.
And I don't want that worry.

Bizarrely I'm still incredibly attracted to him, I'vesadly and reluctantly cancelled upcoming trips together as I thought it would be too complicated to be 'friends' and go away together but I still really want to see him and shag him etc , knowing it's completely stupid to even consider it.
It makes a mockery of my stance and boundaries.

Is anyone in this position or have you been?
Do you just cut it off?
Am I over reacting?
Can I have my cake and eat it??

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for everyone but it is for you and that's your right. Listen to your own intuition. He can't be a FWB because you're too emotionally involved. Just end it and stick to your guns.

I think drinking a lot with friends is different to getting drunk on your own/ drinking daily. I would give him a chance if it was a one off and see how he works to reassure you. It sounds like you have a lot going for you as a couple. You don't live together, so you still have your boundaries at this stage.

There speaks the voice of reason!
Yea you're absolutely right.
I am very emotionally involved, currently he is too.
He is a very good looking and charismatic guy, very popular and lots of admirers so he will easily find someone else, even though he says he only wants me etc and if I tried to have an fwb type scenario and he met someone else it would really affect my head, and he would be well within his rights to do whatever he wants if I don't want to be in a proper relationship with him .
I guess I have to be grown up where I really don't want to

Please trust your gut - just please do - he won’t change, it’s a one off, he knows he does it - and yet did it on a date with you - shark cage alert!!!

It is different out with friends. None of his friends were in that state though, he was markedly drunker than anyone else and it was really noticeable.
I have thought long and hard about giving him a chance but it's more what it might do to the kids if I had him in our lives, they were shocked and nervous around him.
I kept them away as far as possible from him and they were off doing their thing anyway with their friends but he kept trying to talk to them and being all annoyingly drunk , nonsensical and messy
they're not used to peoplebeing like that around them and I feel if I am back with him then I'm being irresponsible as a mum.
But because of my own history I don't know if thats my issue.
They were both pleased when I said I'd ended it but also surprised

@Cupcakekiller has nailed it. This would be a dealbreaker for some people, not for others, but it clearly was very significant for you.

I don’t think you can replace this with FWB - it wouldn’t be fair on him - it would stop him moving on, which he has to be free to do given you have ended the relationship - and I don’t think it would work for you because of your feelings.

You are allowed to rethink your decision, btw, and give him another chance if that’s what you want to do. But you seem to have been very clear in your mind about what was the appropriate response for you. MN is full of posts from people who gave second and more chances and have regretted doing so. And the more involved you become, the harder it would become to walk away even if you think you should. Only you can tell what is the best course for you when all the different considerations are weighed up.

Shark cage?! Intriguing!
It wasn't a date, it was a local event.
he knew I'd be there with my kids and he was there unexpectedly with his friends, i thought he was somewhere else altogether so I wasn't planning to see him.
He was so drunk he seemed surprised I was even there

Sorry, I missed your updates. It seems pretty clear that there’s no way back on this. What a shame. But personally I think charismatic people are tricky to be close to and other problems may well have emerged over time.

I am not a fwb fan at all anyway, its never suited me, one person always has different expectations in my experience.
I agree it's not fair on him either, I know he'd go for it now just because he is also not ready to end the relationship but I think it could definitely cause more hurt down the line.
I am well versed in giving second third fourth chances and inevitably regretting it, sure it's all a hangover from having an alky dad who was constantly sorry and promising the earth .
I didn't have any idea this guy has an issue with alcohol, ifeel a duck really, every time we've met over the decades he's seemed no more pissed than anyone else, I have only recently learned that it has been a big issue for him periodically.

I know work is hard for him ATM, I'm not sure he's over his divorce either and wonder if there's residual regret from that.
They've been apart a long time but he never wanted it to end and I've often wondered if he is still suffering ref this.
She's recently learned about me, we know each other vaguely and lots of mutual friends, someone has told her and I know she contacted him about it, I'm not really sure why but she is apparently not happy
He has said to her and me that he's committed committed us now but I wonder if that's impacted on his bender or if its just part of a pattern.
Whatever the reason/s it doesn't matter really, just pontificating here.

It is a real shame. I'm besotted 🤣 although also v pissed off , it's definitely taken the shine off Because it reminded so much of my dad.
Ex bf is normally so well presented and well dressed , very proud of his appearance, but despite his good clothes etc he kust looked like a wobbly pisshead, complete mess, and people giving him the side eye
I was so embarrassed but also trying to make light of it in front of the kids and friends plus didn't want to risk a scene by telling him to leave or whatever.
Was awkward

I think you've found out why this attractive, charismatic etc man is divorced and was single.

He apparently does this periodically - that sort of means, regularly.

I'd guess it has something to do with why he's separated and then divorced, without wanting to be.

He's apparently had a wake up call and is now going to change?

I have a feeling his wife heard that a few times. And if he didn't change to save his marriage, he ain't changing to save anything else.

If he does change, there’s nothing to stop you reconnecting again in a couple of years time… now isn’t the right time

"....it is the wake up call And he's sorting it out for himself whether or not I'm there...."

I've had several close friends, family members etc over the years who have had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. They turn a blind eye to the blatantly obvious discomfort and emotional harm they inflict on others until somebody close to them finally says they've had enough. Then they are all remorseful, accept they have a problem and earnestly commit to addressing it. They almost never do. Some manage to tone it down for a while but regress when the dust has settled. Others try and be sneaky about it. They rarely ever change though.

This man clearly has a drink problem. The minimising that it's just an occasional thing is nonsense if he does it occasionally enough to have earned a reputation for it. As to the event, he may not have expected you to be there but presumably it was a child-friendly event and he knew that yet decided he was going to inflict his drunken, offensive self on others in a completely inappropriate setting.

I strongly suspect that if you fall for his promises and give him a chance you will come to regret it and unfortunately you will be even more invested in the relationship so will find it easier to give him yet another chance, and another after that.

As pp said, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for everyone but it is for you - and that's fine!

I don't drink a lot. I go out and drink socially but never to excess. Except for the one time late last year when I did. I was drinking something different and totally misjudged my tolerance for it. I was a mess and the effect came from nowhere - one minute I was nicely tipsy but fine. The next I was all over the place.

I'd have been disappointed and embarrassed if my boyfriend had ended our relationship because of it but I'd have also understood it (especially with a background like yours).

It happening once isn't necessarily a sign of a pattern of behaviour but it can be.

To clarify, I normally drink beer and rarely have more than 2 pints. So I'm not in any sort of denial about how much I drink. I'm often the designated driver so have nothing at all.

But that night... 🤢

He was at an event with his friends. You just happened to be at the same one. He didn't have his kids, he was a grown man just spending time with friends. Unless he was harassing people or acting belligerently, I don't think you should be holding it against him.

He's not your dad. Are you expecting all partners to stay tee total because of your past, because if so, that's something that can be brought in to conversation early on in potential relationships. However, I've learnt, different people are different drunks. And as an adult, rather than a child, you have more power to walk away, or ignore, or whatever you choose to do.

I rarely drink having grown up in a household that was alchoholi and verbally and physically abusive. My partner rarely drinks, but I've learnt that even when he does, it's not the same situation and I have power over the situation, whereas as a child, I had none.

Have you even told this man about your past, prior to the incident? I just wouldn't be writing him off if this is the only issue

With respect to your history and your circumstances, I think youre being very silly. He sounds like a good guy, all the chemistry / compatibility / other boxes are ticked, and youre ready to jump on your judgy box and bin him off because of something he did in his own time, with his mates, seperate from you, and not intended to insult or affect you at all. Are you sure that despite making all the right noises, you are in fact not looking for a reason to dump him and not make ityour 'fault'? Because it seems a huge over reaction. I could certainly understand speaking to him about it and drawing some boundaries around drinking, esp excessive drinking and in front of the kids, and watching out for patterns, but to cut it off based on one incident seems very convenient. You sound like hard work and like youre looking for perfection. Im not saying settle for less, im just saying like your reaction seems a bit over the top, unless at heart you yourself are really not ready for a full on relationship and want out so have been looking for a reason. In which case you really arent ready for a relationship, because people are human and will invariably end up being silly, ridiculous or stupid at some point and disapoint your idealised image of them.

So sorry to hear this OP. For me, seeing someone so drunk at what sounds like a public, family event would be a real turn off. I have extremely strict boundaries about what I like my children exposed to and blind drunkeness is definitely not OK for me. If it was a one off, he clearly has some.baggage to sort out with divorce etc. If it is something he does periodically, he is a grown man and is entitled to make that choice, but it would be a no from.me simply because it isn't compatible with my values or lifestyle.

The oxytocin will fade and you will have the opportunity to meet someone else if you wish. Sorry this one has gone off piste.

It's a shame he was like that.

Best to stick to being friends. I would have tried to encourage him to go home and sober up though at the first signs, drink can sometimes hit you in ways you're not expecting.

But op said she knows it happens periodically.

What does your therapist say?

I think it depends what "happens periodically" means. If it's something he does 2-3 times a year, when he's not with you, I can't see why that should be a problem. If "happens periodically" means once a month, then personally I would end it.

Good luck OP - I hope you make the right decision for you, and it that it works out well for you.

Being around drunk people after living with an alcoholic is horrible.

My ex is an alcoholic and I don't even like going to the pub that much anymore because of drunk people.

My DP drinks, but not to excess (same as me)

I've only seen him drunk once, after a work do, where I'd offered to pick him up.

I wasn't prepared for just how much I'd hate seeing him so drunk. I didn't like it all, I wanted to be away from him. I was staying at his, so told him we should go straight to bed (to sleep!) so he could sleep it off.

We talked the next day about how I felt, how I didn't realise how I'd feel etc. He doesn't often drink like that, so I was happy it was a one off.

How often does this bloke drink like this? How likely is he to keep to his promise not to do it?

A one off with mates wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, but anything more than a few times a year would be.