Disappointing end to promising relationship

[famousforwrongreason]

Hi, I have been seeing an old friend for a few months, it has been thoroughly enjoyable and everything seemed to work well, lots of shared history, friends etc so it was a nice antidote to all the weird online dating experiences, stranger danger etc and felt really easy and safe.
We were jointly at an event , not together, I was there with my kids and he was with friends .
He was really drunk, ncoherent and messy.
I had never seen him like it and it was unnerving especially in front of the kids so I just ended the relationship because I don't want to risk it happening in future or worse around my kids if and when We further down the line of our relationship.
He is mortified, embarrassed etc and adamant it was a one off, won't get that drunk agein, will just not drink etc
I was the child of an alcoholic and it triggered a lot of things which I'm having therapy for and it feels like its pointless having therapy then putting myself in a situation where there's a possibility of exposing my kids to things I experienced as a child , plus making myself feel vulnerable unsafe.

I thought we were jointly happy and it was a shock to see him so out of it

The trouble is I don't feel ready to let go and had high hopes for our relationship to blossom.
We have so many things in common and amazing sex, lots of laughter and really easy times together.
I don't know how to completely break off Because of the chemistry, Because of the existing emotional commitment and Because I love the person he is .

I didn't realise that he drank to this extent, it transpires its a periodic thing that I've never witnessed but others have and he says me ending it , the kids seeing him like it is the wake up call And he's sorting it out for himself whether or not I'm there .

Some people say I'm making the right decision, other people say I've made my point and he is prepared to change it So I should give him a chance .
I know that some people get blind drunk on a regular basis and have many friends who are falling down drunk at times, their kids see it and I'm always mortified for the kids, and thses are middle class wine or gin drinking mums, I think it's accepted by some that we just 'get pissed' and are messy, it's no biggie.

I don't know if my visceral reaction is just because of my own history and issues?
I feel it would be inappropriate to have him back in my life because of the kids, I don't want them on eggshells worrying he will be like it another day.
And I don't want that worry.

Bizarrely I'm still incredibly attracted to him, I'vesadly and reluctantly cancelled upcoming trips together as I thought it would be too complicated to be 'friends' and go away together but I still really want to see him and shag him etc , knowing it's completely stupid to even consider it.
It makes a mockery of my stance and boundaries.

Is anyone in this position or have you been?
Do you just cut it off?
Am I over reacting?
Can I have my cake and eat it??

Ah I missed that. For me, I guess it would depend what periodically means.

Except that it's not relevant to her because her boundary is a hard never and thats fine too.

Why were your kids pleased when you said you'd ended it?

I think you'll live your life on tenterhooks waiting for the next time every time you go out for an occasion that includes drink. Is there any point in getting further in? If it happens two or three times a year, it's often enough to really sour things, and make it harder every time as you're more besotted.

Well done you for putting your kids first. If it's true that this is not a complete one off and was at a family event and not down the pub on a Friday night (so not ideal but not around kids and families) then this man has poor judgement and probably a drinking problem. Most people have their hard line (mine is mental health problems having grown up with a father with extreme bi polar), yours is drinking in this way and that is ok. It's ok and healthy to have boundaries and anyone telling you have over reacted has different boundaries

Honestly....get rid. I'm not triggered by drunk people, but a boyfriend being like this around my kids would be a very hard NO, for me

Having grown up with a parent who used alcohol very frequently and a sibling who was a very bad alcoholic I understand who you felt op. That gut feeling when you see someone wasted , ive only ever seen my husband drunk once , he's not a big drinker , and my reaction concerned him so much that he's never been that way around me again. I'm a non drinker myself. I gave my husband a second chance because I could see on his face the concern at my reaction. I've seen my sibling in alcohol induced psychosis several times, seen them self harm , threaten to jump in front of cars . I'm allergic to drunk people but I'm glad I gave him a second chance. But you have to do what's right for you op. Trust your gut.

I didn't grow up with an alcoholic in the household, but I have a very hard line about sloppy drunkenness. It's totally unacceptable in my book, and I drink wine every night and have no issue with going out for drinks, having fun and getting a bit tipsy. But messy drunk? Nope. Massive, complete turn off. Being around a steaming drunk person is horrendous.

Drunk men are my hard limit. Yes it's because of my experiences but that's fine. Seeing a man I like blind drunk would probably kill the attraction for me anyway. Listen to your gut.

Yeah I agree worn this.
If it's a known thing that this "occasionally" happens then it's obviously happen quite a few times and his friends are well aware. A complete one off, where all friends were totally baffled etc, would be a different scenario.
This may be the wake up call he needs. But that doesn't mean you should roll back on your principles. You'll never see him in the same way anywya.

You’re children were pleased that you ended it. I think that says it all really doesn’t it?

Your*

Are you expecting all partners to stay tee total because of your past, because if so, that's something that can be brought in to conversation early on in potential relationships.

I didn't get the impression op is expecting any partner to be tee total.

I do get the impression that she'd prefer her partner is not the drunkest person out of his group, her group, (pretty much any group) and is not an out of control, slabbery, mess. Perfectly reasonable, and no need for conversations early in relationships.

This sort of extreme stuff seems to crop up on every thread on MN.
I once posted about my frustration that my partner of the time didn't have one solitary place to sit on a comfortable seat and watch some TV or a film in his home.
I was the person in the relationship who had organised varied things to do throughout (cinema, stand up, plays, afternoon tea, trips abroad), while he organised nothing.
But it was assumed (for no logical reason and in the absence of any info either way) that I wanted to do nothing other than watch TV every waking minute, resulting in posts saying "oh I absolutely hate people who want to watch endless box sets!!".
MN at its finest lol.

We all have different boundaries, and although some people could forgive this it's absolutely fine that you can't.
I don't blame you; for me this would be incredibly offputting.

Your gut was telling you something, and you listened. Don't second guess yourself.

Periodic binge drinking isn't attractive and not something to inflict on yourself or your kids. I grew up with an alcoholic grandfather and uncles - I couldn't ever be in a relationship with someone who drinks to excess. It makes my blood run cold.

Yes I understand the alcoholic family history but poor guy didn't really get a chance to stop drinking for the relationship. I think you should give him a chance.
I'm not a huge drinker but have had a few very big nights if someone had judged me just on those that would be a shame.
Just my thoughts

You sound incredibly sorted and together and obviously have very strong boundaries. You are absolutely right on this one and should be commended for ensuring that this goes no further, especially for your children.

A grown man getting that drunk isn’t acceptable and it really is shocking and shows why we have such an alcohol problem is this country when people think it’s acceptable and ok to be in that state. To me there are no excuses in these circumstances and shows that he has a real problem with alcohol.

Did you miss this in the OP?

"I kept them away as far as possible from him and they were off doing their thing anyway with their friends but he kept trying to talk to them and being all annoyingly drunk , nonsensical and messy"

He was a messy drunk, persistently trying to talk to OP's children. Maybe not harassment but it's not OK for OP's kids to be hassled and bothered by a drunk.

but poor guy didn't really get a chance to stop drinking for the relationship

Women, esp. women with kids, are not rehabilitation centres for men. No new relationship should be having to give someone to chance to stop what is clearly an ongoing, repeated habit that makes people uncomfortable and reflects poorly on the doer.

Besides I'm sure his ex wife (with whom he sounds slightly enmeshed still, another issue) gave him more than a few chances.

Thank you, yes I agree. Had my kids been adults or not witnessed the shenanigans I may also have been less reactionary than I was but as a mother (and a professional within related areas) I don't think it's appropriate for them to see me gloss over it and restart.
Plus him stopping drinking is a brand new thing and nowhere near enough time for me to feel he's made a significant life change , plus I don't want to be responsible or perceived to be responsible for possible 'relapses' for example when he's bored of not drinking I don't want to be retold it's because of something I've done, not done or pressure I've applied etc, I'd rather he takes his journey independently of me

Yes you're probably right. He's relayed bits here and there and things I know already lead me to think it's not his first wake up call...

It would be lovely to think that, maybe in an ideal world, but if he does get his shit together I can't see him being single long
I can manage life single although I'd like not to, he is not really the single type, he likes having someone around to care for and to care for him.
He's a genuinely lovely partner in so many ways, makes me feel really special and important and loved etc, until it triggers all my issues!

Yeah and as the child of an alcoholic, this isn't my first rodeo. I have forgiv4n and excused some abhorrent behaviour in various relationships, not just romantic/ sexual ones, I am getting older and wiser but still a bit weak kneed here, it's good to have this feedback and sounding board

Thanks all for replies, there's so many, I had only just remembered this thread just now, I can't reply to all but I'm grateful for all opinions.
I'm def not seeking perfection, we've been put tog and got drunk, with others and I've seen him drunk more than once bit never ever to this extent and it transpires that its not unusual for him at all hence his saying he will get a handle on it now
I would love to rewind, as I said above had my kids not seen it (and expressed concern), I might not even be in this situation now, I'd likely have said you were a mess last night but that's probably as far as it would have gone and maybe just kept an eye on it to see if it is frequent or a one off.
I was with kids and friends, it would have been difficult and potentially escalated things had I told him to leave as a pp suggested..
there was no private space to go, kids would have followed anyway and he could have easily got angry or belligerent, I have no idea because I've never seen him like that and I don't know how safe it would have been to challenge him.
PLUS of course, he's an adult and I am not his parent etc, it's not my place to tell him what to do, where to go etc.
Further discussion, none of our mutuals are surprised at all by it , they're more surprised that I wasn't aware so maybe I've been a bit naive/ blinkered.

To answer another pp, the kids were pleased i ended it because they didn't like wheat they saw.
He was so different to what they know of him, honestly it was like a different person.

I'm definitely not using this as an excuse, I really saw a future for us and enjoyed every minute in his company.this has put me off for many reasons.
Im Still into him, am strongly attracted to him even though he was gross then.
The decision is predominantly based on my background and reasons outlined in my other posts.

I know many people get drunk like this frequently and it's not an issue
I'd love to draw a line under it and start again but feel it's not fair on my kids and would lead to me being paranoid, and not trusting him, and possibly him then hiding stuff and lying which is not ideal for either of us.
I. Aware I'm projecting into the future about things that haven't happened but I have lived this life already so I'm not just binning him off on a whim , or because I have unrealistic ideals for a partner

I have been extremely dtupidly drunk too, many times.
although it might sound like it on here, I don't judge him per se, or think of him as bad.

my language and description here is just me painting the picture as succinctly as i can in order to make sure i get balance of responses.

its more about my judgment of what it means for me and my family.

People can get as pissed as they like and in the scheme of things he's done nothing wrong, I wish he'd not turned up battered but he's within his rights to be like that.