boozy parents

[Chepstow1]

I like a glass of wine or three, don't get me wrong, but my parents are serious social drinkers. For them this means 2 large home measure G&T's at 6pm and 3/4 to a bottle of wine each (and this is on a night at home), when people come round then sky is the limit.

I am worried about their health but this is a seperate issue. My concerns lie in the fact that they want ti be "active grandparents" and look after Ds. Last week I asked them to sit for me for the first time (first time I have ever left him). My brother has a DD and has had several rather dodgy experiences with my parents (e.g going next door and leaving the baby, coming home from a nights out and regularly finding my parents trashed on a regular basis etc etc.). It is not that they drink, it is that when they drink they become much less with it on the childcare front and in fact, do rather mad things. In my experience, i came home to find 2 empty bottles of wine in the bin and the baby moniter in the living room (they were in bed on a seperate floor). When I went into my son's room, he was on top of the bed with no blankets and a bib over his face.

Next day Mum and Dad said that they "had never needed moniters in their day" and that the reason for the sheets etc, was "as Dad had put him to bed". I know from seeing them after a few sherberts, that they just lose common sense. They are quite right no harm was done, but just for once I thought they could lay off it and focus on my son. The issues that occurred were minor but I naturally assume that some of their decisions were influenced by the bevvy.Mum knows I am cheesed off but more about what occurred (moniter/sheets) than booze.

How do you raise this stuff when you also love opening a bottle or two yourself no and again and also to share it with them, without seeming like a neurotic first time parent (which is what my parents think I am)..

Any thoughts out there

Xmas is coming and I am dreading it

sorry to hear about how your mum reacted. i was lucky in that my mum realised that she shouldnt be drinking when having my kids (apart from the obvious danger, its not at all nice for them to see her like that). but i do understand that when someone is a heavy drinker..sometimes the message just doesnt get through. the drink takes over and they often cant see any wrong in it. this is how my mum is when she hasnt got my children. at first she said it was because she was unhappy (and believe me she had a terrible life), they also owned a pub which didnt help. but then it was "because i need to relax"..then various other excuses. now she has no reason to drink but still continues. (hence the silence or change of subject when i ask her why) she went to aa a couple of times and then gave up. its sad to see her the way she is and i worry about her so much its like having three children at times...ive always felt responsible for her even when i was a child. if your parents wont even consider not drinking when they have you child then perhaps it is for the best if you dont take him. an alcoholic doesnt often know they have a problem and until they can see this then no-one really can help them.

forgot to add...the sunday thing is sooo familiar! past 1pm theres no point whatsoever in ringing her. holidays are even worse. we end up having a real row. now dont get me wrong...i like to have a drink on holiday but mum starts at 10am and by 5pm shes so drunk we cant go out anywhere. she blames me and says that im "boring" her and thats why she drinks that early. the excuses, if they didnt make me so angry would actually make me laugh.

Interesting about you feeling responsible for your Mum Nightowl - a typical characteristic of ACOAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is an over-developed sense of responsibility for other people. Chepstow, d'you think you have it too, with trying to balance your sense of responsibility to your parents against that for your DS?

(I know I've still got it - I fight very hard against it though and have to stop myself taking on responsibilities which aren't mine.)

Not read the whole thread, just the first ten posts or so, but I wonder whether you'd even be asking this question if it was anyone other than your parents who drank this much while looking after DS and put him to bed as you describe?

You are right - it is ONLY as it is my parents who are the possible babysitters than I am even going through this dilema and also I do think I feel some sense of responsibility for them.

On the babysitting on the 23 Dec thing mentioned earlier, have decided "no way" - it is way too near Xmas and I know that I will flip if I come home and find that my idea of "drinking in moderation e.g being able to to drive a car" and Mums "being able to identify what a car is" may be just too much of a risk of us all having a lovely Xmas family feud a la Easteneders...

Interestingly my younger brother (not the one with a child) has been in Japan for the last 2 years and is coming back for Xmas (yey!!. He has been totally out of the loop of my older brother having kids and the grandparent and babysitting thing coming up for him, and then for me. He and I were chatting yesterday and he said out of the blue "I am looking forward to Xmas but I hope Mum and Dad go easy on the boozing" - I was really shocked, as he has never ever said anything before. When I asked him what he meant, he said that having lived at home for so long (he moved back in after uni), Japan was just about far enough away from them for a while to ensure there wasn't permanent relationship damage. I had NO IDEA!!

Told Mum that she wasn't needed on Dec 23 and she seemed quite perky about it, but I may just be imagining it.Didn't say " cos I don't have enough faith in you no boozing" though. Chicken.

Have a great Christmas you lot

Heh, there is nothing chicken about caring about their feelings. With a daughter like you, your parents are lucky. Hope it all goes well over Christmas and your DS has an absolute ball.

I've been thinking about this subject recently - not just with parents drinking - but what about us mums and dads - surely one person should always be under the drink driving limit in case there's an emergency and have to drive to hospital say.
I'd never really thought about it before having ds - but I spose it needs to be done.

caligulights...ive never heard of that before..would be very interested in hearing more about it. may explain to some extent about the way i am in general. (sorry for mini hyjack)

Hi there. My DH and I spoke about this when I was pregnant e.g that one of us should always be able to use the car and generally stay sober whilst we have a small baby. To be honest, the way this has not been the way things have panned out. We already do a number of things differently and since having Ds, have not really had the inclination to get too intoxicated (plus I am breastfeeding). However somthing inside me stops me wanting to feel out of it e.g on my BIG night out on Thurs, I had about half a bottle of wine all night, less than pre baby drinking days...

When my Dh is away with work, I hardly touch a drop. When he is around, relaxing together over a couple of glasses is a lovely thing to do. If I needed to drive, I wouldn't have any.

Guess is's horses for courses

Oh - one more thing, pal of mine had an sick child after a home bbq where far too many tinnies had been consumed by the parents to drive. She called her local police to explain the situation (not the 999 number but her local station). They drove her to A&E. Nice people.

Just answering Nightbeforexmas... a well known characteristic of children of alcoholics is their tendency to feel responsible for other people and situations, and to try and solve problems which they haven't caused, because of having learnt to do that from having parents who abdicated responsibility by getting drunk. So for example, older children who had to look after younger children because the adult of the house was incapable of doing so, have started a pattern of taking on responsibilities inappropriate to them which continues into adulthood. In other cases, they had to cook the dinner, sort the laundry, protect their parents from the neighbour's knowledge of what was going on, etc. etc.

If you want to explore more about the effects of growing up in an alcoholic household, meetings of al-anon are probably the best way to start. It's amazing how many things in your life start to make sense.

HI,my DH comes from a family of drinkers and his drinking is a problem in our relationship,more so now we have 2 small children.
He is a great dad andhusband apert from the tendentcy to drink a bit to much ,which he and his family see as a social thing!!!
Anyway to cut a long story short had post natal depression after my second child and was coming off anti depressants when one evening he came in a bit drunk and it was the final straw after a bad week and in anger rang his parents and said would they talk to him i was concerned about the level of drinking on his health and conseqeuences for our relationship.
My DH ended up talking to his mum and having a major agruement about this and old issues between them.4days pass and no one rings so i phine his mum to apoligise for getting her involved but i felt she was my last hope and he would listen to his parents.His father answered and said nothing and put the phone down on me.
My DH speaks to his mum anfd dad next morning apoligies to them but nothing was said about me or why he put the phone down on me.
I feel really hurt and rejected,i was going through a bad time and rang in some distress for some help and it has turned around on me making me the bad one who has caused all this ill feeling.
I am feeling angry about it now and feel i did not deserve to be treated that way.
His mother has not rang to see if i am feeling ok and i feel alone and hurt.
My parents died a fewyears back and they never got to see their grandchildren ,my DH parents are so lucky they have and all i was doing was bringing their attention to a problem that in the future could affect them,was i so wrong in getting them involved?

Hi there - so sorry that you have been made to feel like this. If your DH's family are all drinkers then they will find your issues difficult to deal with if they relate to booze consumption as by saying your DH drinks too much, then in effect, you are saying they do.

Maybe bring it up gently next time you meet, or the time after, if you don't mention it at all it will eat away at you and cause more damage than has already been done.

Good luck