Husband does not believe in love and romance anymore- devastated.

[Elloveera]

The love and romance in my marriage is dead. It wasn't like this in the beginning- he was more sentimental, loving and romantic although it was never perfect, he made an effort and was thoughtful.

The lack of love started after our second-born and our children are no longer babies, they sleep through the night and last year, when our youngest started school, I told myself that the love would come back again.
I'm devastated that it hasn't.

-I don't feel sexually desired.
-Sex is rare.
-There are no compliments on my appearance.
-He no longer buys me flowers.
-He never says "I love you" anymore.
-He doesn't kiss me hello and goodbye.
-My birthday and Christmas cards now just say "thanks for all you do, Happy Birthday, love xx". They used to contain loving, romantic messages.
-Anniversaries are not celebrated.
-There are no texts during the day time.

• No more massages
• No more date nights
• No unexpected gifts
• No conversations about plans for the future.
• He doesn't share his vulnerabilities with me anymore.

-Everything is now task centred.

Every conversation is a practical one about food shopping or car insurance or mortgages. He will reach out now and then and touch or hug me but its always short lived "right I'd better go and wash the car..." always something practical that he just has to be doing. I've expressed my sadness and try reaching out to him but he's started telling me that he's "never been romantic." I started questioning myself and have rummaged through my memory box for his cards and notes from our early days and discovered otherwise. He was loving and romantic before our kids came along. I've showed him the cards and he doesn't say anything. Just shrugs.

It's like he could only do it on impulse and now that we have DCs and more effort is required to maintain our feelings for each other and our marriage, he just can't do it. I've told him I'm unhappy and he's said that I probably need to do more with my friends. I already do things with my friends and I go to the gym, to a book club and to a yoga group... I really don't think my social life is the issue here and he's just distracting from it.

Every time I mention love or romance it's like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's getting much worse the older he's getting. I'm only 37. There has to be more to marriage than just task orientated talk and family days out? He's 10 years older than me and it's like he's become a father figure to me, telling me what we should and shouldn't do with our house, our money, our kids, more than a romantic partner.

I married for life. To end all of this would be traumatising. I honestly believed we would find our love again, but it's like he's completely forgotten what love and romance is. He can't ever remember being any different to how he is now. It's like he has amnesia.

He won't attend relationship counselling as he doesn't believe in talking therapy. I am in counselling myself and I feel like I'm going around in circles with it.
I don't feel at all happy in my marriage- he doesn't see the problem- but I don't want to end my marriage and around and around it goes. It's depressing. My counsellor believee the best thing for me would be to leave but...

I don't want to be a single parent or be away from my kids half the week. But I need to feel loved. Our marriage is barren.

What do I do?

Start thinking the unthinkable.

You know he's trying to gaslight you into believing he wasn't romantic. You know he was. This means it's not just the sort of burning flames of early love turning to the warm comforting embers of the long term

He's changed, a lot, and is trying to deny it or even keep you you from seeing it.

Why?

The obvious reason is that romantic energy has turned elsewhere. That might not mean an affair - it could mean a series of crushes, with his thoughts not his actions.

Or it could mean something completely different

But I'd be alert, and I'd not let obvious lies take root

I don't think he's having an affair @AuntieStella but I can imagine him having some sort of infatuation. That has crossed my mind. I was his infatuation before we started dating, he told me that and it was obvious as he was around me all the time at work. It's like he's got everything he wanted with me- marriage, babies and he's lost all interest.

Your marriage is dead. It doesn't sound like he is even a companion or best friend, let alone a husband.

A lot of men feel pushed out when kids come along and hence the dynamic of the relationship changes. Once that fire goes out it is difficult/impossible to reignite as they begin to view their partners as mothers only. It doesn't help that a lot of women prioritise being good mothers over being good partners and some would say rightly so. Kids/domesticity have big impacts on relationships and not always positive ones.

He can't ever remember being any different to how he is now. It's like he has amnesia.
I've seen this when someone is looking for an explanation for their own behaviour; not an explanation for others, necessarily, but an explanation for themself. So, in your case, for whatever reason, he's not being romantic and open with you. Why might a person not act romantic? Lots of unpalatable reasons might spring to mind the longer you think about it: he's got a roving eye, he's getting older and more lethargic, he's not a good husband, he's cold and heartless ... who wants any of that to be true? OR ... Maybe he was never romantic and his partner is imagining it? Now that's much more palatable. The mind latches onto that explanation for self-preservation. Look up mnemic neglect or cognitive dissonance.

Does he have an issue with criticism generally? If he is trying to protect himself against perceived criticism of his character ("you aren't romantic any more") then it could possibly help if you reframed it as positive feedback instead ("Remember that time you got me those roses? It was so romantic! That's when I knew I wanted to be with you forever, etc.") But obviously, if the "amnesia" helps him deal with his feelings about having a roving eye (or whatever) then that won't help either.

How selective do you think your memory is? What did you mean by "although it was never perfect"?

In that situation I'd do three things. First I'd be very clear to him that him not seeing it as a problem is aproblem in itself. Because he knows you're unhappy and that alone should trigger his awareness there's a problem.

Practically, though, I'd start to do things together that will rekindle romance. I don't mean dinners out and weekends away. They are recipes for disappointment if romance has flatlined. You need more fun and connection together. Go to gigs of musicians or bands you both love. Go to comedy nights. Laughing is an aphrodisiac. Set a few goals fro projects you can work on jointly and be proud of.

And third, make sure you have your own life. A bit of surprise and mystique never hurts a LTR. Go off and do something a few times a week, especially something physical - dance classes, runs, weight-training, yoga - things that make you feel good and move more confidently.

And this is how affairs start. The marriage is dead anyway so to be honest I’d do it, why not, that way you have the best of both worlds and the arguments stop for him too. Sounds like it’s more convenience than love for him anyway.

"I was his infatuation before we started dating, he told me that and it was obvious as he was around me all the time at work"

Unfortunately this makes him ripe to do it again;he enjoyed the thrill of the chase going after a younger woman and once he got you and the sensibilities of marriage and children set in he can't be arsed anymore as it's not exciting for him and he's trying to gas light you.

He's checked out of your relationship and you do not deserve to spend the rest of your life living this way.He's not going to change so you need to change the situation;ask for a divorce.

Firstly, him denying there's an issue - as someone else said - is an issue. It's something you need, and he's denying either that the 2 of you once had it or even that it's necessary.

Since you've already raised the issue, said you wanted date nights and romance and intimacy and the penny isn't dropping - Maybe Esther Perel's take on it will help? She reckons that security (necessary for raising children) is not a bedfellow of eroticism. We become so comfortable with the person, they can move away from being sexual partner to more like family. Her theory is that 'seperateness' is what ignites desire & romance. So, in your position, maybe go back to doing the things before you had kids, find some new interests and hobbies? With the added benefit that you'll take your mind off the situation and have some fun.

Given his age, is he struggling with his libido/ED? Has he had his testosterone checked? He might be feeling crap and your questions/Talk about how he used to be are making him feel ashamed and defensive so he's responding with denial. Not OK but understandable.

I think you need to talk to him, adult to adult, tell him something needs to change as you aren't happy, maybe give him options (counselling, doctor). Then leave it for a bit.

If he doesn't do anything then you might need to assess your options.

I don't want to be a single parent or be away from my kids half the week.

Do you think that someone like your H would actually want his children around him half the week?. In all likelihood he would not. He may well demand 50/50 but some men state that in an attempt to avoid paying maintenance.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Are these awful, not just to say damaging lessons, really what you want to impart to them?. And for them to potentially repeat in their relationships too?. This is NO legacy to leave them.

Start thinking the unthinkable i.e divorce (and ask yourself why this is unthinkable) and plan your exit from this marriage with due care and attention.

I think he targeted you and deliberately so as well; you met this man when you were both young and impressionable. You're now 37 so could well be around for many years yet; you do not want to get to 50 and finally realise that the last 13 years in particular have been for you a complete waste of time.

Sadly this sounds correct. He doesn't love you anymore OP. If he refuses to go to counseling with you I'd call it a day and take the advice of your counsellor and divorce him. You are still so young and have so much living to do ahead of you. Don't be miserable. Be brave and you can find someone new who will make you feel loved.

The lack of love started after our second-born and our children are no longer babies, they sleep through the night and last year, when our youngest started school, I told myself that the love would come back again. I'm devastated that it hasn't.

Unfortunately OP, this was your first mistake. Yes, it can be logistically harder once you have kids, particularly ones who don't sleep well, but you seem to have mentally shelved the issue and naively convinced yourself that it would somehow magically fix itself once your DC weren't babies anymore.

But think about it logically, why would it? You have to constantly put work into a marriage, like any relationship. If you don't, it'll die. It sounds like for your DH that's already happened, but he's happier than you are to accept the status quo of a stable family unit, raising your DC together like friends.

If that's not a vision of the future you can live with, you need to find a way to accept that the only way out is to leave.

I think most relationships become less romantic after the initial honeymoon phase and most couples definitely have less sex as time goes on, and there are an awful lot of men with no or reduced libido- much more than they would like to admit. The age gap in your relationship may be a factor in this too.

Partly it's a natural thing- you've had your kids, you're not old but older and hormones settle down a bit from how they are in your 20s, other things in life become more important and take over. We don't have to continue to be at it like rabbits - unless both parties want to.

If both parties are about the same on this it's ok. If it's a problem for one person in a couple, then it's a problem for the relationship, particularly if one half of the couple don't want to work at it.

Time for some honest conversations and thinking about what you want, OP. If he isn't prepared to make the effort then are you prepared to accept that or walk away.

He cares but that is it. You, in his eyes are no more important than staff.

I agree with this but I would add that the sort of men who struggle with this are perhaps emotionally immature and intellectually challenged.

Would your DH fit that profile, OP?

Not a popular view on here but I for one agree with this.

going to private message you X

OP I read your post and then skimmed through the responses so please forgive if I am repeating what someone else has said.
I am a firm believer that you have to work at a marriage. If you don't it just becomes like other relationships which are not special.
Make it special again. Talk to him and tell him you want to go out on a date night together every so often - when you can arrange childcare, and go for a meal and even stay in an hotel overnight. Remind him what life used to be like by recreating it and jog his foggy brain. Worth a try surely ?

@lyralycra would you call a women intellectually challenged/immature in the same scenario?

SOME men see their wives in a different light after they've had children.

Where you were once an object of sexual desire you are now a mother and in the same bracket as his own mother and sexual desire and romance has flown out of the window.

It won't improve as he's already distanced himself from you in his head.

It's a sad thing to happen, but it's not your fault and it would be even sadder to continue to be in a loveless marriage.

Unfortunately, children change a relationship's dynamics and not always for the better. In a few years you go from a one on one relationship with disposable time/income to basically running a small business with recalcitrant "employees". The conversation tone also pivots to tasks and unavoidable frustrations. This isn't very romantic. Having said that, this does sound like a problem and you d be right to address it now with him.

Obviously, yes. Why wouldn't I?!

How much point of the op “trying to make the marriage work in all honestly?” It takes two to make it work.

@Elloveera
Maybe, the infatuation never grew into love. Is it possible that once he realized that you were just 2 ordinary people the allure was gone and there was nothing left but the practicalities of everyday living.?

Sadly, you can't will someone to love you, and you can't be angry with someone because they do not love you. You may be trying to rebuild something that was never there. Maybe rather than trying to recreate something that was clearly not very substantial, the 2 of you might start by accepting the fact the you are just 2 ordinary people and getting to know each other in those terms

You could end up with some better and no substantial. Infatuation and prescriptive romance rarely goes the distance because their is no foundation on which to build.

It is pointless to tell him what he use to do because for him those actions are in no way connected to the life and person with whom he is now living.