Husband does not believe in love and romance anymore- devastated.

[Elloveera]

The love and romance in my marriage is dead. It wasn't like this in the beginning- he was more sentimental, loving and romantic although it was never perfect, he made an effort and was thoughtful.

The lack of love started after our second-born and our children are no longer babies, they sleep through the night and last year, when our youngest started school, I told myself that the love would come back again.
I'm devastated that it hasn't.

-I don't feel sexually desired.
-Sex is rare.
-There are no compliments on my appearance.
-He no longer buys me flowers.
-He never says "I love you" anymore.
-He doesn't kiss me hello and goodbye.
-My birthday and Christmas cards now just say "thanks for all you do, Happy Birthday, love xx". They used to contain loving, romantic messages.
-Anniversaries are not celebrated.
-There are no texts during the day time.

• No more massages
• No more date nights
• No unexpected gifts
• No conversations about plans for the future.
• He doesn't share his vulnerabilities with me anymore.

-Everything is now task centred.

Every conversation is a practical one about food shopping or car insurance or mortgages. He will reach out now and then and touch or hug me but its always short lived "right I'd better go and wash the car..." always something practical that he just has to be doing. I've expressed my sadness and try reaching out to him but he's started telling me that he's "never been romantic." I started questioning myself and have rummaged through my memory box for his cards and notes from our early days and discovered otherwise. He was loving and romantic before our kids came along. I've showed him the cards and he doesn't say anything. Just shrugs.

It's like he could only do it on impulse and now that we have DCs and more effort is required to maintain our feelings for each other and our marriage, he just can't do it. I've told him I'm unhappy and he's said that I probably need to do more with my friends. I already do things with my friends and I go to the gym, to a book club and to a yoga group... I really don't think my social life is the issue here and he's just distracting from it.

Every time I mention love or romance it's like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. It's getting much worse the older he's getting. I'm only 37. There has to be more to marriage than just task orientated talk and family days out? He's 10 years older than me and it's like he's become a father figure to me, telling me what we should and shouldn't do with our house, our money, our kids, more than a romantic partner.

I married for life. To end all of this would be traumatising. I honestly believed we would find our love again, but it's like he's completely forgotten what love and romance is. He can't ever remember being any different to how he is now. It's like he has amnesia.

He won't attend relationship counselling as he doesn't believe in talking therapy. I am in counselling myself and I feel like I'm going around in circles with it.
I don't feel at all happy in my marriage- he doesn't see the problem- but I don't want to end my marriage and around and around it goes. It's depressing. My counsellor believee the best thing for me would be to leave but...

I don't want to be a single parent or be away from my kids half the week. But I need to feel loved. Our marriage is barren.

What do I do?

How long have you been together, OP? And how old are the children? I can feel how awful this is for you and it does sound on the worse end of the spectrum in these matters. I only ask the above because I think having kids and the humdrum running of a household can utterly kill you emotionally over the years, and I imagine this is especially true because he is that much older and about to get into his 50s.

Still, that's no excuse, and more concerning that his lack of effort romantically, sexually etc, is his seeming reluctance to take you seriously. Most people, when faced with the pain of the one they love, would move heaven and earth to make it better. Not even being open to try counselling is HUGE red flag. It's awful that his (unevidenced) belief of what counselling can't do is so much more important to him than you that he's willing to keep you in pain.

This is quite normal in relationships, do you look the same post children? Have you put on weight? Do you make as much effort as you did before having children?

Could he have low testosterone?
Side effects can be low or lack of libido, lack of affection, emotionally distant, irritability and rudeness, tiredness, foggy brain, gaining weight especially around the middle, man boobs.
Ask him to see his GP.

Just to give an alternative view - please op, do not waste a moment worrying if you look less attractive now than before the kids. That way madness lies. There'll be heaps of men in your extended circle who would find you fanciable so don't start agonising in front of the mirror as your response to your H's lack of virility. This is all on him.

The only "effort" a woman (or man) should have to make to be personally attractive is to be clean. That's it. A hot-blooded man with a normal sex drive does not give a monkey's whether or not you've got acrylic nails or fake eyelashes!

My first thought was that it's his age and maybe a dip in testosterone. But none of us can tell you - we are just guessing.
I wouldn't be happy at 37 to accept an emotionally dead marriage. If he won't take your concerns seriously, your options are to either have an affair to meet your emotional needs or to end the relationship.
Ending the relationship is the more honest and honourable option and also means he cannot put all the blame on you!
I'd have another crack at asking him to see a doctor and going to therapy with you - if he won't then you have your answer that he doesn't care enough to try!

This is all "he no longer does x, y, z"... but do YOU do x, y, z?

My wife is the least romantic person on the planet, but it's how she was raised. She's not romantic, rarely hugs, doesn't kiss, sex is take or leave, cards are a never, not fussed about Christmas or birthdays... the list goes on. I do ALL those things, and I like to believe she loves me because of the little things she does do...

...that being said, I have held back intentionally on some of the above to see whether she norices or whether she would actually step up, and she mirrors what OP has said: Is the love waning, do I care, what has changed, etc. Could it be he's fed up of it all being one-sided? You haven't said what you do for him.

It's easy for people to say he's at fault, but your post sounds so "my sugar daddy stopped buying me gifts and now I'm crying"... just saying...

if he's complacent that you'll stick it out no matter how little effort he puts into your relationship, then you're SOL on him changing. He's got no incentive.

He's disengaged emotionally whether because his head's been turned or he just can't be arsed any more.

Going in with the viewpoint, "I married for life" means you're fucked if the other party to the marriage can't be arsed. You've got to be prepared to make the change if he won't.

This path the course when kids come along I’m afraid regardless of age gaps. You become mum and dad and that’s it! He prob sees you as a mum now and not sexual being.

@C1N1C are we married?? I'm exactly like this- I used to be better but became like this after finding out about a pretty old emotional affair. It might be more but I don't think I will ever know. I found I still cared a lot , but no longer felt romantically inclined towards him and it's the price he's paid I guess for me staying. I did give him a choice.

I suspect for whatever reason the OPs husband has mentally checked out on the romantic side but does still care- he may have a reason , he may not - but OP he hasn't forgotten- he's making an active choice to be this way and I think if you aren't happy with it then you will have to look at separating.

I feel like I’ve become your dh 🫣 and my dh is like you. There’s also a similar age gap between us. To be honest I’m just exhausted. And a bit fed up and depressed with the daily grind of life. I don’t want an affair or to leave my dh, but I’ve not got the energy for romance and fancy words and all of that faff. We muddle through and we’ve been together 15 years now and I don’t think either of us is going anywhere but I know my dh would like more from me. Due to health reasons and exhaustion and age, I just don’t have it in me to give. I guess it depends on whether you’d rather chuck it all in and start again.

Make it special again.

Why should the OP do all the work? Prance around like a performing monkey to try to get his attention? There is zero effort coming from him. To know your partner is unhappy and distressed, and to coldly refuse to respond to that - that's a death knell.

It takes two to be married. He's checked out. I'm really sorry, OP.

@Mummy08m

Totally disagree, being clean is a non-negotiable requirements for both partners. More than that, partner need to make an effort for each other, dressing up, putting make up, and (trying to) lose weight if they have put on loads.

My attraction for my dh does not depend on him wearing makeup... we will have to agree to disagree on that...!

@pocketpairs
I think that if you thought that you had to wear makeup to get a man. chances are you might need do someone of those things to keep the man. If how you looked was important to him or her when you were dating. It is not suddenly not going to matter because you now have children and bills.

Taking vows or having his children will neither create nor sustain love. Many couples will stay together long after love and attraction are gone. The OP has to decide she is willing to accept and live with. It may be unfair and unrealistic to expect someone to work at loving you when those feelings no longer exist. How do you mat someone feel cherished if you no longer cherish them? Should they pretend?

I think your partner can make you feel valued in a relationship simply because they appreciate the effort that you put in providing for and with them to make home and family like work. Feeling valued is not the same as feeling loved, but it can go a long way in making the intolerable feel tolerable..

The OP just has to evaluate her current situation and see if is enough for her. . Sometimes a partner may not want to go for counseling because they truly feel that there is nothing that they wish to recreate or save.

Lol, I bet he believes in having meals cooked for him and his laundry done, and a clean house, and his life organised for him...

This path the course when kids come along I’m afraid regardless of age gaps. You become mum and dad and that’s it! He prob sees you as a mum now and not sexual being.

What, no sex ever when their kids are 5+ or something? I don't think that's normal. I don't have kids but my understanding from MN is usually something's happening again by then.

Sometimes women go off sex after children and it's hard to get it to come back at all, but men don't tend to.

@Elloveera How is his general health etc? But I know the sex isn't the only/main problem, it's also the lack of emotional demonstrativeness.

@Marblechops Aww it's an 'agony aunt' forum, people have to spell out what they're not happy about, so they can get answers. I think most 30-something women would be disappointed if they were in OP's position.

But are you making loving gestures it's a two way thing and I know after kids it took me a bit to get back into the swing of it because he spent so long being told leave me alone haha

Give him an ultimatum, couples therapy or he moves out

also try to make the first move with the loving gestures, initiate texts, sex, date nights and see what happens

Zombie thread.

Why should he accept such a threat, or leave his home? If the OP can’t rekindle the old dynamic or reconcile herself to the new one, she should leave. People change over time and children change everything.