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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

People who talk about their lives and never reciprocate.

62 replies

Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:21

How do you deal with people like this? When the status quo has become they talk and you listen. They never ask questions or show much interest in your life. And probably don’t even know they do it. Do you have to be blunt? I also find a lot of older men like this. Their favourite topic of conversation is simply themselves. Incredibly boring and frustrating.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 15/08/2023 07:25

I dont like talking about myself so I just semi listen.

It never fails to amaze me how much people over share and tell people stuff about themselves that quite frankly I couldnt give a shit about

Someone collared me in the lift the other day, literally in 10 seconds I knew her retirement plans and timescales and how long she had been qualified etc etc.

I dont care!!!

Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:27

That is true. Why do people think we care about the boring details of their lives? When they would never be interested in somebody else’s.

OP posts:
Window82 · 15/08/2023 07:30

I always listen. Not always intently. I’m happy to share some things. Part of it’s human nature and people trying to connect. It shows a level of vulnerability and authenticity.

I guess it’s worth asking yourself why it bothers you so much? Is there something you’re afraid of to trust and let people in?

ToDoListAddict · 15/08/2023 07:34

I wish I knew. The people in my office all talk AT me. It's so rare to have an actual conversation in my office because everyone just talks about themselves. I used to try and have actual conversations but one guy in particular will just talk and talk - even if someone else says something he won't stop talking.
Now I just accept I have to listen as no one really cares what I have to say.
It's funny really because I know so much about their lives but they barely know me.

Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:34

i have good friends where the relationship is reciprocal. Equal. I just find it really odd those people who seem to have no self awareness and can talk about themselves and their lives, without even thinking ‘maybe I should ask the other person about themselves’.
I tend to distance myself now. But how on Earth do people get like that. It’s boring and rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:38

I also how from friends who go on dates and the men drone on and on and barely ask them a question. And then seem to think the date went well.

OP posts:
primoseyellow · 15/08/2023 07:44

@Window82 I would say its the opposite of being authentic. When people talk about themselves and don't ask questions and listen to the other person how is that authentic and trying to connect?

I find it's often a sign of insecurity and the person is trying to reassure themselves of their choices and lifestyle by repeating the same info and they want confirmation from the person listening.

primoseyellow · 15/08/2023 07:50

@Annabelnextdoor Yes I agree, I have friends who listen and when we talk its a balanced converstaion where it flows and we listen to each other and the conversation changes depending on what the other person says, if that makes sense?

Where as if im with a friend/person who talks about themselves the converstaion is on a set path regardless of if I mange to get a word in, often Im only trying to ask a question about them, but I can see on their face that they are working out what they will say next and not listening!

Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:55

It just seems so ingrained in some people. That they must think they are incredibly fascinating to listen to. They just talk and talk and if you say something, they barely respond and then go back to themselves. Or if in a group and they’re not the centre, they completely switch off and don’t engage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:58

I’m not even that bothered to talk about myself to them as they would show no interest and it wouldn’t seem an authentic conversation. I just find it fascinating that they think others would be so interested in their boring monologues.

OP posts:
Treacletreacle · 15/08/2023 07:59

I be honest I talk alot but that's because in social situations I find silence uncomfortable and makes my anxiety worse. So I probably talk too much but I do ask people questions about themselves as well to keep the conversation going. But I do wonder afterwards if anyone wishes I would shut up.

kelsaycobbles · 15/08/2023 08:02

I get anxious asking questions in case the other person thinks I am prying

Conversations are hard

TheSkull · 15/08/2023 08:06

Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 07:55

It just seems so ingrained in some people. That they must think they are incredibly fascinating to listen to. They just talk and talk and if you say something, they barely respond and then go back to themselves. Or if in a group and they’re not the centre, they completely switch off and don’t engage.

I was stuck with one of these for about 15 years. Couldn’t have told you a single thing about me. I’ve had to cut ties for my own sanity

ToDoListAddict · 15/08/2023 08:10

@primoseyellow

I can see on their face that they are working out what they will say next and not listening!

OMG yes! I know that look all too well!

TitInATrance · 15/08/2023 08:11

I hope I don’t monologue, but my conversations with strangers tend to be me first sharing some details of my life, or my day, or why I’m at this event - then hoping you will reciprocate.

I’m not comfortable asking too many questions of relative strangers, it feels like putting my interlocutor on the spot. However, this is me trying to talk to you - I’d be happier to shut up and listen!

I know this is weird, not everyone gets it and it can make me an interrupter if the other person leads the conversation.

leonde · 15/08/2023 08:14

Some people lack empathy and self awareness. It has been thus since the dawn of humanity! Still happy to moan about it with you though, it's very irritating.

Honestly, it just makes me truly appreciate and value the relationships I have in my life where things are more reciprocal and two-sided.

liondreams · 15/08/2023 08:16

I think some people are oblivious to the need to ask questions that said, as someone who likes to ask questions I also realise that many people are uncomfortable with questions. Another thing is if you have social anxiety, you are sometimes more likely to talk for fear of leaving convo gaps! So bear in mind it might not always be wanting to talk about themselves. And I do think a lot of men are much more prone to not giving a fuck and talking about themselves.

SunRainStorm · 15/08/2023 08:17

I have a friend like this.

I once met her for coffee with my 6 day old baby and she didn't ask me a single question about him, or how the birth went or anything. 😂

Just prattled on about her own 2 year old.

It was a real eye opener for me!

TheAverageJoanne · 15/08/2023 08:18

Window82 · 15/08/2023 07:30

I always listen. Not always intently. I’m happy to share some things. Part of it’s human nature and people trying to connect. It shows a level of vulnerability and authenticity.

I guess it’s worth asking yourself why it bothers you so much? Is there something you’re afraid of to trust and let people in?

I'm not the OP but I'll tell you why it bothers me. I've got a friend like this. Not a work colleague or someone in the shop or the lift, a friend from school days. She never ever asks about me. As soon as we meet it's straight into woe is me, her problems, nobody cares I think I'll go and eat worms type of thing. I might as well be a stuffed animal. It's rude and selfish.

Macaroni46 · 15/08/2023 08:20

@TheAverageJoanne why are you still her friend?

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 15/08/2023 08:21

I worked fairly closely with a woman for several years. At the end of that time I knew an enormous amount about her, much of it gobsmackingly inappropriate, but I doubt she could have said how many children I had. She knew next to nothing about me, not that I wanted to regale her with the details of my life, but even if I had, she never let me get a word in edgeways. I've never met anyone so self-centred in my entire life.

This one brought me up short. We were about to have a routine catch up. She told me that someone we worked with occasionally would be on maternity leave soon. The subject of due dates came up. She said they were often wrong and in her case it definitely was because her husband had been away for a while on a work trip and when he got back they spent the whole weekend in bed and then on the Monday morning he told her he was leaving her and then she found out she was pregnant, so there was no doubt at all about the date of conception.

Difficult to know what to say to that, to be honest. Grin

TheAverageJoanne · 15/08/2023 08:21

Macaroni46 · 15/08/2023 08:20

@TheAverageJoanne why are you still her friend?

History and feeling sorry for her. I know it's crap.

2pence · 15/08/2023 08:26

You asked how to deal with people like this? Closed questions.

Closed questions tell the person you are listening to them and understand what they're telling you and are interested enough to ask about it. However, a closed question should (note should) attract a 1 word answer, yes/no or a specific date/time, place etc. You can take back control of a conversation with closed questions.

If you've got someone who's determined to talk regardlessly, you can be more blunt. Did you hear what I said about that? Are you interested in hearing about my experience of that? Shall I tell you more? All closed questions in themselves that give you control of the subject.

That being said, I am working for the last fortnight with a colleague who talks incessantly about themselves and I did have to be blunt on a few occasions and say 'Person's Name' "Just so you're aware, I'm not listening to you as I have work that needs to be done" and watched in amusement as she spoke at a person on a video call who had gone to another meeting 5 minutes ago without her realising.

Original poster
Annabelnextdoor · 15/08/2023 08:26

It’s hard to change the status quo. You become the listener and they talk. Every time. It’s really hard to shift that and the talker doesn’t want to. Why would they when they have no interest in anyone but themselves.
j just find it strange that they have no interest in others but then think others would be interested in them!

OP posts:
Marchitectmummy · 15/08/2023 08:27

I find people who talk about themselves and taking about myself boring in equal measures. Redirect the conversation to something involving neither or if that doesn't work move onto talk to someone more topical.