People who talk about their lives and never reciprocate.

[Annabelnextdoor]

How do you deal with people like this? When the status quo has become they talk and you listen. They never ask questions or show much interest in your life. And probably don’t even know they do it. Do you have to be blunt? I also find a lot of older men like this. Their favourite topic of conversation is simply themselves. Incredibly boring and frustrating.

I wish I knew. One of my closest friends has become like this. I actually like listening and am happy for others to do most of the talking but she takes it to the extreme! I have days out with her and literally have 20 minutes to talk about my own life, while she talks about herself for 8 hours!
I've started distancing myself from her a little which is a shame.

I've cut contact with them in the past. I used to have one friend who could literally talk about herself, her husband and their daughter for 40 minutes straight (I timed her once). At some point she would stop, ask me how we were, and then as soon as I'd started telling her about something we'd done she would be off with another story about something similar they'd done. I dropped the friendship and I know she was upset as she'd asked me if she'd done anything - I cba to explain as I don't think it would have made a jot of difference so just said I'd been really busy.

I don't know whether these people are just completely lacking in self awareness or simply not interested in other people but they are exhausting and bloody boring.

And then they say "you're very private". I think loneliness, self absorbedness, ADHD, low social skills. The conversation feels frenzied. If you try and wangle a way in they do all that starting a sentence as you start to speak from taking a breath and then it's all the sorry - you go - no you go business. Painful. I prefer a slower conversation where space for ideas that result from the conversation emerge and not just a monologue of what's been happening- so boring.

Someone I’m luckily no longer friends with talked at me endlessly. Some of the irritating things she would do in conversation were: to refer to people I hadn’t met by name without considering I didn’t know them; constant complaining about other people and whatever she could find complain about; victimhood - both she and her children were always being hard done to by others; telling anyone who would listen about her abusive ex; telling me the same stories she’s told me multiple times.

Weirdly, she was very able to show kindness and empathy but not ever during our conversations. She wrote a beautiful testimonial for my daughter, showing she had taken in things I’d said, she just didn’t appear to take them in at the times of our conversations.

'It never fails to amaze me how much people over share and tell people stuff about themselves that quite frankly I couldnt give a shit about'

Yes! The over sharing 🤦🏻‍♂️ I have a colleague I'm friendly with. I knew her dog had been at the vet's so I asked how the dog was. OMG - I got details about when the problem started, GRAPHIC descriptions of the dog's symptoms, stuff I absolutely did not want to hear about, the dog's prognosis, how much money she has spent on the dogs health in the 8 years she's had her.... I was practically begging for mercy by the end of it. She's a lovely person and is genuinely interested in others, but just goes into far too much detail about her own stuff

I am definitely more of a listener really, I like to problem solve but rarely need advice myself, think I’m quite a closed book really despite coming across as an extravert

It’s not even just talking about themselves. It’s about dominating the conversation regardless of topic. Nobody is ‘that interesting’ where it’s enjoyable for the other person to be talked at. It’s incredibly draining, boring and invalidating.

I have a friend who talks a lot but engages in a conversation- asks questions and will listen to what I say. I have no issue with her at all because she's genuinely interested in conversing with me/other people.

It's the monologuers that drive me insane! Where they talk a lot but have zero interest in the person they're talking to. Like you could replace yourself with a life size cut out and they wouldn't notice you haven't said one single word, they're just happy to have an audience for their "it's all about me" speech

'It's the monologuers that drive me insane! Where they talk a lot but have zero interest in the person they're talking to. Like you could replace yourself with a life size cut out and they wouldn't notice you haven't said one single word, they're just happy to have an audience for their "it's all about me" speech'

That's my dad. He'll ask you a question about something to do with you, will suffer through your answer for 10 seconds or so, then start talking about how the topic relates to him, which of course is why he brought it up in the first place 🙄

'It’s incredibly draining, boring and invalidating.'

Spot on

I was just basically a sounding board for the same ‘problem’ for over 10 years. Expected to be a free counselling service and therapist. This person wouldn’t be able to tell me my maiden name, the names of my parents, where I went to school or where I had worked in the past. It was utterly draining and boring. Glad to be free of it now

I have a friend like this, I find it extremely rude to never ask how I am etc

I just phase people out like this. It's very boring.

Or, if I have to have a relationship with them (colleague or rarely-seen relation), I make it into a game. I once got to 90 minutes with someone asking me no questions aside from the obligatory 'how are you' at the start of the conversation.

Sometimes I think it'a unfortunate timing in someone's life, where you meet them when they are going through a family break-up/something all-consuming but that then sets up this dynamic.

Because dynamics like this don't tend to change much, especially if they start like this.

My draining person had a long list of people who had dumped her. I was the last man standing idiot. Not anymore

It's draining. I can feel my eyes pulling me too a close.

Then they ask me a question about what they've said.

I used to have a friend who would talk to me about politics in the Middle East. Show me videos even. And I never contributed anything indicating my interest. He'd then ask me for my opinion 😖

People like this are my worst nightmare. I'm not great in social situations but even so I don't find it easy or desirable to allow someone's endless monologue to wash over me. I feel obliged to at least look interested and nod in all the right places, which quite frankly is just as draining and requires as much effort as scrabbling around for conversation. I don't cope particularly well with being bored and can feel rage surging up when someone drones on for too long! These people are NEVER interesting. When someone needs to confide in me, I'm a good listener (I think ...!) but I hate it when people bang on about, for example, complex work situations or their hobbies.

Buggered if I how to deal with it though!

I have recently have had to end a friendship because of this. The last time I caught up with said friend, it was absolutely unbearable. The incessant talk about money, bragging and oneupmanship was finally too much for me. I had been feeling not good about the friendship for a number of years and finally decided to cut contact. Rather than ghost her, I politely told her why we couldn't catch up anymore. I feel guilty but it's for the best.

That’s very different from what you first alluded to in your OP.

What you’re describing is someone who is self centred and think the world goes around them.

Someone who talks about themselves and/or overshares (eg with strangers) might do so fir many different reasons, incl but Not Exclusively because they are self centred. They might try to connect, are looking fir support/share their struggles (which is what most posters, you incl do on MN btw) etc etc…

"Right" and a small sigh

That's about it 😂

'Rather than ghost her, I politely told her why we couldn't catch up anymore'

That's a brave thing to do. How did she respond?

I get anxious asking questions in case the other person thinks I am prying

There are plenty of neutral questions you can ask that aren’t prying “ what have you been up to?” “How was the holiday?” “Love your top… where’s that from” “what are you reading at the moment?” “How are the kids getting on?” “Did you hear the thunder last night”. The main thing is to express some kind of interest in the other person and give them the floor for a bit. I actually think most people I know who “monologue” are men and I give them a massive swerve if I know them.

I have a friend like this and it's exhausting. She does have a good heart though and is kind of interested in others so will occasionally break the stream of consciousness to ask a question about me (or whoever she's talking to). But will quickly revert to hogging the oxygen and as soon as you've said two words in reply, she's off again. It's mentally very tiring and pisses me off so I made sure to see less of her. She just can't help herself. She's has all this chat that she wants to get out.

When we meet in a group, whoever sits beside her just gets battered with her one-way chat all night and gets zero chance to catch up with anyone else without physically moving away from her. 😤

@Lottapianos She didn't respond! I think she would have been hurt. I know I would want to be told if there was something wrong and not ghosted, even if the truth hurts, so I tried to do the "right" thing. I think now I'm older, I am learning to be more direct with people. I wasn't always like this though and I do feel super guilty, but it's a weight lifted off my shoulders.

I think sometimes you have to accept that other people won't ask you a question so you just have to start talking about yourself!

Nowadays I simply don't ask them questions and yes the conversation falters but I don't care. My brothers like this, he's got nothing to say, never asks me a direct question or shows interest in me or my family, I don't try and keep the conversation going, I can't be bothered!

Just look bored and live away!

Are you me?!!! DH and DD think it's hilarious that no matter where we are, even if I avoid eye contact the Over Sharing Brigade will sniff me out. Then as I'm a people pleasing, confrontation avoider I spend the whole interaction politely trying to Extract Myself From The Situation!

It's like I have some sort of tracking device i me

But yes, as someone who had always been a good listener throughout life I've definitely observed a shift over the years to how many people are bloody brilliant at talking about themselves and rarely listen back.