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Original poster

Adopted brother

127 replies

Grovegreen · 14/08/2023 21:42

I’ll try not to make this too long: I am in my 30s as is my brother, who we adopted when he was a child.

He was diagnosed with a ADHD at a young age and was a very, very difficult child and teenager. He was violent, lied often, stole often and was always in trouble at school. My parents’ decision to adopt him ruined my childhood. I have such lovely memories before he came to live with us and mainly awful, traumatic ones after. I was 10 years old so lived at home with him for 8 years and then moved away for university.

I didn’t communicate with him at all for most of my 20s but after I had my first daughter, 6 years ago, I began to build a relationship with him. I now have two daughters and they both really like him and his girlfriend.

My parents are very supportive of him and his girlfriend; I think this is testament to the sort of people they are because his behaviour, especially in his late teens/ early twenties, which involved drugs, the police and being violent to my mum, would have been enough for me to wash my hands of him completely.

Anyway, fast forward to now and although he is unable to hold down a permanent job, he is mostly employed in construction type roles. He and his girlfriend rent a nice little house and she is about to give birth to their first child.

I am absolutely filled with rage and I so, so wish I wasn’t. I feel that it was bad enough that my own childhood was ruined by him and that I have to share my parents with him even now but the fact that my children now have to share family attention, be just two of the grandchildren, rather than the only two and we have to include his child/ children in our lives in the final injustice.

I sound absolutely mental, don’t I? I honestly can’t even look him in the face and every time I think about the situation I want to cry, but that’s mainly because I know how awfully, disgustingly unreasonable I am being. Especially as he’s always believed, due to a health condition, that he would be unable to have children. I think the fact that he can has made this more of a surprise and I’m therefore caught even more unawares.

Can anyone suggest ways for me to get past this? At the moment, all I can think of is completely erasing him from my life and sacrificing any family time I’d have spent with my own parents. This will seem
strange to everyone, of course, including my own DH and daughters. I can’t sit there this Christmas with them and a new baby: I am just not a good enough person to swallow this down and get on with it.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 15/08/2023 18:10

It's not unusual, @Fallingthroughclouds , for people to be emotionally trapped at a point when they were traumatised. OP is triggered by this situation back to a time when she felt perfectly understandable childish resentment. And she revisits those emotions.

It's an unpleasant feeling having the rational understanding of an adult but being rocked by the emotions of your child self. Especially when she probably felt she had to suppress them for her parents' sake.

My DC were 'extra good' and responsible beyond their years as a result of the volatile foster children we had.

Laptopdances · 15/08/2023 20:46

Francedan · 15/08/2023 09:31

I think it is

Show quote history

You seem to have very stark views on this Francedan. In truth, it's (having multiple children) not an experience you can relate to if you only have one, so you cannot really judge. It's a bit like a parent telling a childless person how being a parent is. You can't understand without experiencing it. Even if you had a sibling growing up, you still cannot generalise this experience to your own child's circumstances. Sibling love depends on personality, family resources, parents attitudes, life circumstances and events... when sibling love happens, and many many times it does, it's a beautiful thing. You have someone to depend on, to talk to, to love, all your life, someone who understands, because your roots are the same. When family grows you might love being an aunt to your sisters children.
Having more than one child, if resources allow, is a choice many families make to give this possibility to their children. It's not out of selfishness, but quite the opposite, as a parent you might decide to suffer more sleepless nights as you want your child not to be alone (putting climate change aside...) You shouldn't be so judgemental.

Francedan · 15/08/2023 23:15

I'm not sure why you think only children would be alone @Laptopdances. I maintain it's selfish. That's my viewpoint.

Fallingthroughclouds · 15/08/2023 23:21

Francedan · 15/08/2023 23:15

I'm not sure why you think only children would be alone @Laptopdances. I maintain it's selfish. That's my viewpoint.

You do come across as extremely judgemental. As long as you're OK with people calling you selfish for just having one, then so be it.

80s · 16/08/2023 08:49

pickledandpuzzled · 15/08/2023 18:10

It's not unusual, @Fallingthroughclouds , for people to be emotionally trapped at a point when they were traumatised. OP is triggered by this situation back to a time when she felt perfectly understandable childish resentment. And she revisits those emotions.

It's an unpleasant feeling having the rational understanding of an adult but being rocked by the emotions of your child self. Especially when she probably felt she had to suppress them for her parents' sake.

My DC were 'extra good' and responsible beyond their years as a result of the volatile foster children we had.

good explanation

Francedan · 16/08/2023 11:00

You do come across as extremely judgemental. As long as you're OK with people calling you selfish for just having one, then so be it

I actually don't care one jot if people think I'm selfish for having one. What other people think of my choices (as long as they're not immoral or illegal choices), is absolutely none of my business. And neither should you give a damn what I think of yours

GoingInsaneAhhh · 16/08/2023 13:52

i think you need counselling. Life has been difficult for both you and your brother. Ultimately, you need to get over this grudge. Life not worth the animosity. Forgive and move on. Having ADHD is extremely difficult for a lot of people to live with. Your mum and dad sound really lovely caring people. Im sure when they took him in they never expected the behavioural issues but they gave him a chance and it sounds like hes doing well currently

Laptopdances · 16/08/2023 16:15

Francedan · 16/08/2023 11:00

You do come across as extremely judgemental. As long as you're OK with people calling you selfish for just having one, then so be it

I actually don't care one jot if people think I'm selfish for having one. What other people think of my choices (as long as they're not immoral or illegal choices), is absolutely none of my business. And neither should you give a damn what I think of yours

If you dont care about others opinions, and think others shouldn't care about yours, why are you on a discussion forum?

Francedan · 16/08/2023 16:36

@Laptopdances I'm offering one point of view. You don't have to agree with it and you don't have to presume I'm being judgmental. I literally don't care if you don't agree with my pov. But it is a pov and one that others will hold, like it or not.

Wenfy · 16/08/2023 16:40

Laptopdances · 15/08/2023 20:46

You seem to have very stark views on this Francedan. In truth, it's (having multiple children) not an experience you can relate to if you only have one, so you cannot really judge. It's a bit like a parent telling a childless person how being a parent is. You can't understand without experiencing it. Even if you had a sibling growing up, you still cannot generalise this experience to your own child's circumstances. Sibling love depends on personality, family resources, parents attitudes, life circumstances and events... when sibling love happens, and many many times it does, it's a beautiful thing. You have someone to depend on, to talk to, to love, all your life, someone who understands, because your roots are the same. When family grows you might love being an aunt to your sisters children.
Having more than one child, if resources allow, is a choice many families make to give this possibility to their children. It's not out of selfishness, but quite the opposite, as a parent you might decide to suffer more sleepless nights as you want your child not to be alone (putting climate change aside...) You shouldn't be so judgemental.

Show quote history

I think this is a massively whitecentric point of view to take and quite naive too. I have 2 dc. Due to the age gap I essentially have 2 only children. My elder DD tolerates DS but has a sibling relationship with my DN who is her age - he’s the one she talks to, the one she goes to for help or emotional support or to just shoot the shit, and as we’re Indian-Hindu origin it’s considered quite normal. Similarly DS is developing similar bonds with cousins his age.

But honesty I didn’t have DS to give DD a sibling. I had a DS because of the selfish need to have more than one child myself. I wanted to ‘complete’ my family and the needs or wants of my DD didn’t really come into the equation. And every single person I know with multiple children think in similar terms. If I were being unselfish them I would have remained the parent of just DD - with her ASD the sensible thing would have been not to have any more.

Laptopdances · 16/08/2023 17:09

Hi Wendy, everyone I know instead, had multiple dc for giving their dc siblings. We all come from different experiences I guess but should understand everyone is different? I don't think it's a naive viewpoint really, many siblings do love and support each other. I do and know many people who do as well. Are you suggesting having multiple dc is always for selfish reasons and siblings never love but always only tolerate each other? That sounds like a massive generalisation? Many parents choose to have siblings primarily for their dc. Many parents just want multiple dc. Many do both. We don't have crystal balls, so cannot know how it'll turn out, but this certainly doesn't mean all parents of multiple dc are just selfish bastards? That's such a grim pov, did you have very bad experiences as a child? If so, I'm sorry for you, but your experience is not everyones, surely you'd acknowledge that?

Also not sure why whitecentric sorry? What does race have to do with sibling relationships? Genuinely asking.

And Francedan, it sounds like you are saying you're just here to list/regurgitate your pov without caring about others, which you did, but I'm not interested in unsubstantiated uninteresting bits of repetitive text really. So if you don't mind let's just stop.

Francedan · 16/08/2023 19:30

And Francedan, it sounds like you are saying you're just here to list/regurgitate your pov without caring about others, which you did, but I'm not interested in unsubstantiated uninteresting bits of repetitive text really. So if you don't mind let's just stop

Who put you in charge? And you addressed a reply to me, I was commenting generally. Also not sure what can be unsubstantiated about a point of view. You do you, I'll do me.

MisschiefMaker · 16/08/2023 21:07

Francedan · 15/08/2023 23:15

I'm not sure why you think only children would be alone @Laptopdances. I maintain it's selfish. That's my viewpoint.

I'm not jumping on you but I'm genuinely curious as to why you think this way. It's an unusual view to hold.

angie6147 · 16/08/2023 21:14

For me I don't so much think it's about an only child being lonely. In fact they are usually well surrounded by people, mostly grown ups and as a result are usually very mature, calm and intelligent. However they also lack really important skills that help prepare their mental health for adulthood and the real world, a world where everything doesn't revolve around them.

Most parents when they have a child make them the centre of their everything. When a second+ child comes along it forces lessons of patience, understanding and empathy. These are not just lessons that are important to those around us but also important lessons for the individual who otherwise may struggle to function in environments where others needs also matter.

That is not to say that children who have siblings are never self-centred nor that only children can not be companionate to those around them. However statistics show the likelihood is significant. Factors of course will play into this, like if an only child has cousins or a child with siblings was a clear favourite or large age gap.

Coming back to the OP I think that the fact the sibling was adopted is so irrelevant although it does help the OP be more woeful about her situation. Having a sibling with trauma and ADHD is so disruptive to the family unit I really do sympathise with this and although most of us will realise it wasn't the child's fault. As someone in that situation there will have been times when she will have felt much of the behaviour was deliberate. However I still think much of the issue with how the OP has coped with having a sibling is down to her being 10years an only child. For the fact that's he helped choose the sibling and chose a brother is evidence of this. What little girl at 10years only would choose a brother of similar age rather than a sister. Only one who was concerned about sharing and being over shadowed from the onset.

I don't suppose any of this is helpful to the OP other than to say your feeling are perfectly normal all-bee them far from ok. There are skills you didn't learn as a child but that doesn't mean that you can't practice them now as an adult. I suspect as a child you acted in a way of superiority to your sibling and was constantly looking for reassurance that your parents preferred you and would choose you if it came to it. It shows they were very good adoptive parents because even as an adult you seem to be still seeking that confirmation. I'm kinda thinking that by considering distancing yourself from your parents so as not to be near him, what you are really hoping for is that they will finally pick you and your kids if push came to shove.

Good luck working through your emotions. It's ok to think this and need to work though it but it would not be good for anyone to act on it. You know that right xxx

Francedan · 16/08/2023 22:05

@Wenfy summed it up @MisschiefMaker, read her post. In my experience friends have more than one as they've always wanted a set number or they've had new relationships. If the selfless goal was to give your child the sibling experience, why would you have more than two kids?

80s · 17/08/2023 09:08

What is the idea behind "having one child is selfish"? Does it mean that the parent is not thinking about how the parent will one day die and the child will not have any blood family members? So the parent is being mean by not giving the child a sibling and instead just thinking about the parent's own wish to have a child but also stay sane/within budget?

And the argument behind "having more than one child is selfish" is that the parent is inflicting a potentially unpleasant sibling on the first child, who has no choice in the matter, just because the parent wants a family of a certain size?

How about the other argument, that having any child or children is selfish as that child did not ask to be born into whatever circumstances it finds, and did not get to choose its parents?

Does that cover all bases, so we can all whinge about our parents as much as we like now?

Francedan · 17/08/2023 10:08

Does it mean that the parent is not thinking about how the parent will one day die and the child will not have any blood family members?

I think having more than 1 child so the burden of parents old age/ill health is spread is a negative and bleak outlook.

80s · 17/08/2023 10:24

So it isn't about the parents dying and the child being left all alone; it's something to do with the child being expected to look after the parents in old age?
Would be great if someone could actually explain the argument rather than just dropping hints.

GallopingSeahorse · 17/08/2023 10:26

80s · 17/08/2023 10:24

So it isn't about the parents dying and the child being left all alone; it's something to do with the child being expected to look after the parents in old age?
Would be great if someone could actually explain the argument rather than just dropping hints.

There is no ‘argument’. It’s an ill-thought-through farrago of evasiveness, fear of death, fear of loneliness, and a very idealised view of sibling dynamics.

My plans for how to handle my old age and dying are exactly the same as before I had my son.

80s · 17/08/2023 10:29

I'm wondering why people are saying that having a single child, or having more than one child, is selfish. There must be some reason they're saying it, even if I might not think it makes sense to me.

(Love the word "farrago"! I had to look it up :D)

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 17/08/2023 10:45

angie6147 · 16/08/2023 21:14

For me I don't so much think it's about an only child being lonely. In fact they are usually well surrounded by people, mostly grown ups and as a result are usually very mature, calm and intelligent. However they also lack really important skills that help prepare their mental health for adulthood and the real world, a world where everything doesn't revolve around them.

Most parents when they have a child make them the centre of their everything. When a second+ child comes along it forces lessons of patience, understanding and empathy. These are not just lessons that are important to those around us but also important lessons for the individual who otherwise may struggle to function in environments where others needs also matter.

That is not to say that children who have siblings are never self-centred nor that only children can not be companionate to those around them. However statistics show the likelihood is significant. Factors of course will play into this, like if an only child has cousins or a child with siblings was a clear favourite or large age gap.

Coming back to the OP I think that the fact the sibling was adopted is so irrelevant although it does help the OP be more woeful about her situation. Having a sibling with trauma and ADHD is so disruptive to the family unit I really do sympathise with this and although most of us will realise it wasn't the child's fault. As someone in that situation there will have been times when she will have felt much of the behaviour was deliberate. However I still think much of the issue with how the OP has coped with having a sibling is down to her being 10years an only child. For the fact that's he helped choose the sibling and chose a brother is evidence of this. What little girl at 10years only would choose a brother of similar age rather than a sister. Only one who was concerned about sharing and being over shadowed from the onset.

I don't suppose any of this is helpful to the OP other than to say your feeling are perfectly normal all-bee them far from ok. There are skills you didn't learn as a child but that doesn't mean that you can't practice them now as an adult. I suspect as a child you acted in a way of superiority to your sibling and was constantly looking for reassurance that your parents preferred you and would choose you if it came to it. It shows they were very good adoptive parents because even as an adult you seem to be still seeking that confirmation. I'm kinda thinking that by considering distancing yourself from your parents so as not to be near him, what you are really hoping for is that they will finally pick you and your kids if push came to shove.

Good luck working through your emotions. It's ok to think this and need to work though it but it would not be good for anyone to act on it. You know that right xxx

Good post.

MisschiefMaker · 17/08/2023 14:25

Agree.. i think @angie6147 has hit the nail on the head.

Spambod · 17/08/2023 14:48

Op it sounds like your brother was not suitable for adoption into a family or a family with another birth child already in it. Not all children are suitable to be placed with a family and more is known about that now.
many adoptions break down due to the effect of the traumatised child’s behaviour on the adoptive family over the years. I suspect there is an equal number of families who just cling on even though the situation becomes unbearable. You are not a bad or unreasonable person in any way for not wanting a relationship with your brother. He may be adopted but he was also a very abusive man who was violent and criminal. You have no obligation to have him in your life or to feel sorry for him. You and your family are just as important and his needs don’t trump yours. His behaviour has affected you massively and it sounds like you had a very tough childhood because of him.
give yourself a break. You owe him nothing.

crabclaw · 18/08/2023 07:44

I agree with @Spambod

If I was OP I think I'd resent my parents for failing to protect my best interests, instead of making her part of the decision process to validate their actions

Spambod · 18/08/2023 07:53

angie6147 · 16/08/2023 21:14

For me I don't so much think it's about an only child being lonely. In fact they are usually well surrounded by people, mostly grown ups and as a result are usually very mature, calm and intelligent. However they also lack really important skills that help prepare their mental health for adulthood and the real world, a world where everything doesn't revolve around them.

Most parents when they have a child make them the centre of their everything. When a second+ child comes along it forces lessons of patience, understanding and empathy. These are not just lessons that are important to those around us but also important lessons for the individual who otherwise may struggle to function in environments where others needs also matter.

That is not to say that children who have siblings are never self-centred nor that only children can not be companionate to those around them. However statistics show the likelihood is significant. Factors of course will play into this, like if an only child has cousins or a child with siblings was a clear favourite or large age gap.

Coming back to the OP I think that the fact the sibling was adopted is so irrelevant although it does help the OP be more woeful about her situation. Having a sibling with trauma and ADHD is so disruptive to the family unit I really do sympathise with this and although most of us will realise it wasn't the child's fault. As someone in that situation there will have been times when she will have felt much of the behaviour was deliberate. However I still think much of the issue with how the OP has coped with having a sibling is down to her being 10years an only child. For the fact that's he helped choose the sibling and chose a brother is evidence of this. What little girl at 10years only would choose a brother of similar age rather than a sister. Only one who was concerned about sharing and being over shadowed from the onset.

I don't suppose any of this is helpful to the OP other than to say your feeling are perfectly normal all-bee them far from ok. There are skills you didn't learn as a child but that doesn't mean that you can't practice them now as an adult. I suspect as a child you acted in a way of superiority to your sibling and was constantly looking for reassurance that your parents preferred you and would choose you if it came to it. It shows they were very good adoptive parents because even as an adult you seem to be still seeking that confirmation. I'm kinda thinking that by considering distancing yourself from your parents so as not to be near him, what you are really hoping for is that they will finally pick you and your kids if push came to shove.

Good luck working through your emotions. It's ok to think this and need to work though it but it would not be good for anyone to act on it. You know that right xxx

He beat up her mother. This kind of crap is only trotted out to women. Women need to be more understanding and accommodating of abusive males. This is misogynistic bs.