Adopted brother

[Grovegreen]

I’ll try not to make this too long: I am in my 30s as is my brother, who we adopted when he was a child.

He was diagnosed with a ADHD at a young age and was a very, very difficult child and teenager. He was violent, lied often, stole often and was always in trouble at school. My parents’ decision to adopt him ruined my childhood. I have such lovely memories before he came to live with us and mainly awful, traumatic ones after. I was 10 years old so lived at home with him for 8 years and then moved away for university.

I didn’t communicate with him at all for most of my 20s but after I had my first daughter, 6 years ago, I began to build a relationship with him. I now have two daughters and they both really like him and his girlfriend.

My parents are very supportive of him and his girlfriend; I think this is testament to the sort of people they are because his behaviour, especially in his late teens/ early twenties, which involved drugs, the police and being violent to my mum, would have been enough for me to wash my hands of him completely.

Anyway, fast forward to now and although he is unable to hold down a permanent job, he is mostly employed in construction type roles. He and his girlfriend rent a nice little house and she is about to give birth to their first child.

I am absolutely filled with rage and I so, so wish I wasn’t. I feel that it was bad enough that my own childhood was ruined by him and that I have to share my parents with him even now but the fact that my children now have to share family attention, be just two of the grandchildren, rather than the only two and we have to include his child/ children in our lives in the final injustice.

I sound absolutely mental, don’t I? I honestly can’t even look him in the face and every time I think about the situation I want to cry, but that’s mainly because I know how awfully, disgustingly unreasonable I am being. Especially as he’s always believed, due to a health condition, that he would be unable to have children. I think the fact that he can has made this more of a surprise and I’m therefore caught even more unawares.

Can anyone suggest ways for me to get past this? At the moment, all I can think of is completely erasing him from my life and sacrificing any family time I’d have spent with my own parents. This will seem
strange to everyone, of course, including my own DH and daughters. I can’t sit there this Christmas with them and a new baby: I am just not a good enough person to swallow this down and get on with it.

OP, someone above pointed out that his behaviour was an entirely normal response to his life experiences. I agree and also that you should look into understanding attachment disorders and the impact of childhood traumas as away to help you understand that.

I also think that your reaction is entirely understandable. And I don't think you're a bad person for it and doubly so because you recognise that it's not a healthy way to feel.

A PP said they didn't know why people think it's ok to speak like this about an adopted sibling/child, but not a biologically related one. Firstly nice way to try and shame the OP. Secondly, they're not children now, OP's sibling isn't a child either. Plenty of children do have adjustment problems when new children arrive and sometimes that doesn't resolve. But usually a biological sibling arrives as a cute baby and doesn't arrive with a list of traumas that seriously impact their behaviours. And when a sibling is born who needs a lot of attention due to illness, it can be very difficult for the older sibling. When an older child arrives though that's a whole different thing and when they're (understandably) requiring a long-term, considerable amount of attention from the parents, it can, as OP said, negatively impact the biological child's experience of having parents and living in the house.

I've heard parents of toddlers told that if they want to know what it's like for that toddler to experience the new brother or sister being born, then imagine their partner getting a second partner and sharing attention between them and they have no say about it. You've never planned on sharing your partner and don't want to either. Extrapolating from that, it's not hard to see why if that new partner then took a lot of extra attention and changed your safe home into an unsafe place you essentially wanted to escape from, why you'd be really, really upset. Obviously as an adult though, you have options that minors don't. And it's not a perfect example, but not too far off I think either.

OP, back to now. Please do look for some counselling. I would look for someone with experience in trauma as I think that will help you from a few different angles.

I think too you should be prepared - as in be aware that it could happen so it doesn't add to your difficult feelings - that it's possible your DB has a hard time once he is a father. Often victims of childhood abuse and/or trauma find themselves confronted with what happened in their own lives at X age, when their own child is in front of them. It can be extremely hard. It can trigger traumatic memories of things that happened when they were too young to remember the action, just how they felt, so they can't fully describe how they're feeling, or that they're triggered. It can be really, really hard. It doesn't reflect on their love for their child.

The more you know about the impact of childhood trauma and attachment issues, the more I think you're going see his past and possibly (but hopefully not) future reactions in a light that alters how you feel about him. But critical to that is that you have first a place to talk about you, what happened in your life, how you feel and felt and have space - one just for you - to work through it. It may be that you want to talk to your parents about your experience growing up, but I'd highly advise waiting until you have support you're comfortable with on hand. You first need a place where your experiences and reactions are given priority.

You sound like a decent person OP. You just need a bit of help with something from your past.

Another vote for counselling. Try and find someone with a specialty in adoption trauma/attachment disruption. Lots of complexity to this situation, and also not uncommon with adoption trauma. There was a lot of naivete back in the day when folks adopted children, and adoptees and the biological children suffered a lot. Good luck.

Because it's triggering for you. It takes you back to being a young child wanting support and attention and not getting it. And also having to manage/carry his moods and see your parents struggle. What they did was a wonderful thing but it had a massively negative effect on you. Have you ever told them how hard it was for you?

I'd get some counselling, or hypnotherapy you need to find a way to process this and move forward for your own mental health

Some great advice OP. I also worry that OP's brother didn't receive the help he required as a child in relation to counselling. I've seen far too many people adopt and not know how to handle difficult situations. A lot of the time it is how the adopted child's problems are not being addressed correctly.

Counselling
This is about your unprocessed childhood trauma OP which is making life unduly difficult for you in the present day.

Some great advice OP. I also worry that OP's brother didn't receive the help he required as a child in relation to counselling. I've seen far too many people adopt and not know how to handle difficult situations. A lot of the time it is how the adopted child's problems are not being addressed correctly.

Good point. I think that there's some rule out there that formerly adopted children have to have therapy from specialist counsellors, they don't have the freedom to choose who they want. Not sure if that's true, but if so and he ever wanted some (he may not) then would be worth checking first.

I think in fairness to OP's parents that there are very, very few people who have the expertise to handle a teen who is struggling and has an adoption history. Most of them probably use that expertise in part of a team, in a role they can go home from at the end of the day, it's not 24/7, 365 days and with (an)other child(ren) to consider!

My parents are very supportive of him and his girlfriend; I think this is testament to the sort of people they are because his behaviour, especially in his late teens/ early twenties, which involved drugs, the police and being violent to my mum, would have been enough for me to wash my hands of him completely.
Now you're a mother yourself OP, do you really think this is true? If you'd gone off the rails, would your parents have washed their hands of you?

What a fucking nasty thing to say. Her brother was adopted, probably after a very traumatic start in life. Legally he is a child of the family and if her parents were to die without a will, he would be entitled to a share equal to the op.

I know lots of adopted adults. Most of them have absolutely no issues whatsoever. The few I know that have issues would have parents that hadn't a clue how to deal with them.

I know one couple that fostered a child from the age of six and when she became a teen handed her back because they couldn't handle her. I was absolutely shocked that you could just give up after 10 years. I knew they were having issues and gave them details of an amazing voluntary organisation that offers counselling but they said she was on a waiting list for CAMHS This girl had never received counselling and they just thought everything would be fine. Absolute madness. It makes me so furious when people that are adopted or fostered are seen as problems.

The people that adopt need to take some sort of responsibility in how they parent. Just being there for child/teen/adult isn't enough. If you don't know how then educate yourself.

I'm an adoptive parent, and it is very difficult when the massive needs of one child conflict with the massive needs of another child. You go through a kind of 'least harm' and it can be that the one who has the urgent needs overrides the quieter but important needs of the other. We certainly at times thought one could wait a little while just until X problem was over, however X was swiftly followed by Y and then Z...

I too would suggest counselling to try to come to terms with how you feel so you can move forward. If your brother is more stable now, can you reframe it that him as a child is a different person to him as an adult, as a father?

I think it could be your Tiger Mom instincts coming out - he ruined parts of your childhood and you have even stronger feelings than that about protecting your DCs childhood.
But the baby is not him - could end up your DCs favourite cousin.
Maybe also read up on adopted children - I only know one person and she seems to have a sort of ambivalence about her DM when I would expect her feelings to be especially strong.

You fell resentful because your brother regardless of being adopted was complicated and treated you and your parents very bad in the past. That is absolutely normal. You don't have to like your siblings. Feeling jealous of a baby that is yet to be born is not ok. And here is where you need to work with some counselling or therapy.

Your brother is not stealing your success I think on the contrary he see your success and take you as a example and wants to form a family as you did.

If you fell scared that your parents will now support him more because of the baby letting you down talk to them. They may no have given you much support in the past because you show them you are strong and they may think you don't need it.
Energy is not unlimited and they may let you down to focus on him because you were bright on your own and they put the energy in him.
You need to speak with them as well with some help. You can clear the worries you have and it may be just a misunderstanding that had grown deep on you making you feel this bad.

On the worst case if your worries are correct and they don't give a penny for you and your family again. Well what can I say, well what can I say, you don't need people like that in your life, do you?

Frist try, second speak you mind with honesty, work with counselling and take it from there.

I hear you @Grovegreen. similar situation in my upbringing. Please take notice of any judgement from people commenting here who don’t have direct experience of being a sibling in a family where an older child has been adopted. No advice from me except to say I get it.

*take NO notice!!

I really feel for you - I have a (biological) sibling who has caused havoc even to the point of permanently damaging my parents' health. Tens of thousands of pounds. Endless drama and stress.

PPs have given lots of good advice about counselling etc.

In addition I wonder if thinking about future outcomes would help. You can't change what you went through. But if your brother can parent well now, or at least if he's chosen a good partner who'll manage well with his baby, then there's a cycle broken and a happier generation. Bad parenting and bad experiences are passed on in several generations but so are good ones. Your parents could only do so much for your brother, but maybe they did enough that their grandchild is going to have an easier time and give everyone around them an easier time. I'd suggest you think in terms of that future - you want good family relationships for your children, you want a well-cared for niece or nephew. How can you be part of making the next ten years good for your children - and your extended family, to the extent you want to or it's important to your children? It feels like this baby's arrival is all about your brother, but it's not, it's all about the baby, your children's cousin.

He could just have easily been your biological brother and had the same problems. Lots of nice middle class kids from stable homes end up on drugs as teenagers, develop mental illnesses and generally cause chaos in families. The lucky ones come through it and stabilise in their 30s which is what your brother has done. You need to get over your bitterness and jealousy for your own peace of mind.

@Blueblell I hope you are talking from personal experience in your post and are the sibling of a child that was adopted given you think it OP should just get over it.

The prejudice towards adopted children on this thread beggars belief.

Why are people assuming OP's parents were naive when they made a decision to adopt a child?

They waited until OP was 10 before adopting a child who they were probably aware could well have significant issues due to their early years trauma.

Her brother has done amazingly well to have circumnavigated his traumatic separation from his birth mother/ birth family and his neurodiversity to meet a nice partner and start his own family.

OP is being wildly unreasonable to consider cutting out someone who sounds like they are a perfectly nice person because she is jealous her own children won't be the 'only grandchildren'.

As for the poster who asked how his parents will arrange their will. I presume they will leave half to each of their children- like most parents. When you adopt a child they become legally yours!

OP- remember your brother was ripped from his birth family at a young age. Remember that his problems may have been caused by drink or drugs in utero. Remember that it was your PARENTS who decided to adopt a child into your family. Remember that he has managed to turn it around and become a nice person who sounds like he makes an effort now to be a good brother.

Morning everyone and thank you so much for your replies. I am definitely going to engage a counsellor to talk through all of these things.

I think it’s important to note, and would have done in my OP but it was getting too long, that, as a family, we are all very aware that my brother’s issues were directly related to the utterly terrible early childhood he had. I won’t go into detail but it was absolutely horrendous and shocking what he and his siblings lived through.

I also recognise that without adoption, and the stable family he joined, he’d have potentially ended up a very different person to the one he is today. We did a good thing but I often wish it had been another family that did it, not us.

Lastly, to address a few PPs who suggested that as a family we were not equipped to support an adopted child: my mum is a social worker and my dad is a counsellor so you’d have thought we were pretty prepared. My brother was taken to weekly trauma counselling from the moment he arrived with us but stopped engaging as a teen (as I’m sure is very normal) and they did things, which I look back on now and feel were probably seen as ‘good practice’, like buying me a small gift when it was my brother’s birthday so that I didn’t feel left out. They seemed very switched on to how I felt but that usually just made me feel ashamed of my feelings and not share them. I’ve always remembered feeling massively embarrassed that I was bought a gift on his birthday because to me, even as a 10 year old, it made me look like a spoiled princess who needed to be placated.

As for being consulted about the adoption; I was asked if I wanted a brother or sister and I would go through the booklets of children they were sent and felt like part of the choosing process. I knew that they wanted another child: I’d seen the impact of a stillbirth that my mum had when I was 6 or 7 so I hardly felt that I could say no. Even then I didn’t want a sibling and so the rest feels a bit like a self fulfilling prophecy.

In addition, i think it's highly unlikely that they weren't prepared for how hard parenting an adopted child can be.

They chose to adopt him as their child. I would think at that point they made a commitment to weather the storms that might come.

I should imagine that at this point they are just overwhelmingly relieved and joyous that he seems to have 'made it' and all their hard work has paid off.

In addition, i think it's highly unlikely that they weren't prepared for how hard parenting an adopted child can be.

There is one thing being told about potential issues, it is another thing living them 24/7.

They chose to adopt him as their child. I would think at that point they made a commitment to weather the storms that might come.

Absolutely.

That sounds really difficult and whilst I've not been through the same I can definitely identify with elements of this with my own brother who suffered with addiction and was abusive.
I would absolutely suggest therapy if you are able to. My therapist has helped me come to terms with childhood issues and feelings of injustice. Otherwise these feelings will eat you up. Cutting him out won't help as the situation will still be as it is and you'll have an extra layer of anxiety to contend with.
You're feeling this for a reason, but just remember, people don't have a limited amount of love that needs to be split, the love your parents will feel for the new baby won't dimish their love for your babies.
Sending hugs x

I think unless you've been there it's really difficult to judge. I felt the same about my brother when he was alive. I saw what he did to my mother and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Sometimes the abuse is just too much.

My brother went through the same phase and is still going through it to an extent. Only difference is he wasn’t adopted so I can’t just get rid of him when it suits me. You need to give your head a wobble, get counselling, and come to terms with the fact that he is your brother. Not some kid your parents adopted. Your BROTHER. Whether you like him or not you’re stuck with him

@DustyLee123 what do you mean by this … the boy is their son and therefore should be included in any will, along with his sister.

I’m struggling to get my head around this OP. On the one hand I think it’s admirable you admit these feelings. On the other hand I think it shows a really nasty streak that would worry be if I was you.

Have you ever discussed it with your parents?

You’re a mum now … could you really see yourself ‘washing your hands’ of your DDs if they have rough teenage years?

I realise it’s a common reaction when adopted children go off the rails, which is more likely due to earlier trauma.

A good friend of mine had a terrible time with her adopted kids during their teens … drugs, violence, police.

My DH said on several occasions “I wouldn’t cope with that, I’d chuck them out and move house”. Our DDs were younger then but I’d reply “oh so you’ll do that if ours hit a tricky phase” …. “Oh no that’s different” he’d say.

Very hard to hear that as I’m adopted and he didn’t understand why it upset me … almost as though you have to turn out perfect and be eternally grateful to your adopted parents, no challenges allowed.