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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married man... Help

48 replies

Mum29of2 · 14/08/2023 20:02

So first of all please don't judge me!

Ive been with my husband for 10 years and we've got 2 young children, 1 who has autism. My life is extremely hectic and I'm constantly in the house with the kids. Recently I went away with the girls (the first time I've ever done this) and met a man who is good friends with my gym instructor.
Ever since we've got home (about 1 month) we've been messaging on snapchat everyday. It started off friendly and then he got very flirty quickly, he was flirty on holiday and so was I. We speak everyday about our days and we flirt alot. We've also facetimed once to do something on their 🤦🏻‍♀️ after getting drunk last night I told him I'd had a dream about him and now I think I like him but I'm not stupid enough to know he'd leave his wife. He apologised and said he was just flirting for fun and that he was genuinely happily married.

My question is how can he be happily married if we spoke about meeting up, talk everyday and he even said once he liked me not just for my body?
I feel like an idiot and I know nothing was every going to come of it, we was never going to be together but I thought he might have liked me a little. I'm just hurt.

OP posts:
IveShaggedSomeMingers · 14/08/2023 20:05

Same as you can eat a healthy balanced diet but still fancy eating treats.

BCBird · 14/08/2023 20:06

I would not expect someone married to send flirty texts to someone else. It sounds as if the excitement was hypnotic. Is there any way that you can try and join a club or something sbd try to carve up some couple time for you and your husband?

Hiddenvoice · 14/08/2023 20:09

I understand you’re hurt and no judgment from
me whatsoever but i’m not understanding what you want from this and how you thought it would end?
He’s been chatting about your day etc to get to know if you’re open to flirting and perhaps sexting. Meeting up for him would purely be about sex and not actually anything more.
He may like you but not enough to leave his wife. His poor wife might think they are happily married but this man can separate sex from feelings and doesn’t really care about anyone he hurts.

for the sake of his wife and your husband, block him and try focus your feelings on fixing your relationship.

GigiAnnna · 14/08/2023 20:10

Sometimes people get bored within a marriage and do things to spice things up a bit and get a bit of excitement. He probably did like you, just not enough to sacrifice a marriage and the life he has with his wife. It's not worth ending a marriage for what would probably be a shortlived fling, he's realised you're thinking too much of it and he's backed off. Understandably you're hurt, but just let him go.

Wherearemymarbles · 14/08/2023 20:10

Would you leave your husband?
I think only his wife and your husband would have any right to feel hurt.

Sparkshaveflown · 14/08/2023 20:11

"@Mum29of2 My question is how can he be happily married if we spoke about meeting up, talk everyday and he even said once he liked me not just for my body? "

He is not happily married, he just has not enough money to leave.

purplebluediscorain · 14/08/2023 20:12

You’re both married so it’s the same for you both you both shouldn’t be doing it and you both know it’s wrong. How can you be married or even with your husband if you were open to meeting up with him.

BananaSmoothie1 · 14/08/2023 20:44

He probably enjoyed the attention from you, but doesn’t want to mess up his own marriage. If you guys live far enough away from another, it’s probably suiting him as it’s not on his doorstep so wife is less likely to find out. He did whatever on the phone with you knowing this is how he felt, that he wasn’t truly invested and never would be, and told you what you wanted to hear ( not just wanting you for your body) you know the stuff that makes you feel Like he really cares. Just be glad you didn’t physically go further with him cos you’d likely have gotten ghosted soon after. Block him. For the sake of your sanity and marriage.

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 14/08/2023 20:57

He’s not going to mess up his marriage, he probably does love his wife in his own way. But he also loves the excitement and thrill of the chase of dating. It’s like a drug.
As someone else has said, now he realises you are getting to emotionally involved he’s backing off, because at the end of the day you are now a risk to his marriage. He wants a bit of side fun, not a relationship. He has one of those.

5128gap · 14/08/2023 21:01

Sparkshaveflown · 14/08/2023 20:11

"@Mum29of2 My question is how can he be happily married if we spoke about meeting up, talk everyday and he even said once he liked me not just for my body? "

He is not happily married, he just has not enough money to leave.

There's no reason at all to think he's not happy in his marriage. That's just what they say when they're greedy and entitled and want a thrill from another woman as the icing on their cake.
Its his poor wife who is unhappily married. She's just not found out yet.

Sparkshaveflown · 14/08/2023 21:14

"@5128gap There's no reason at all to think he's not happy in his marriage"

Err.....

OP - " Ever since we've got home (about 1 month) we've been messaging on snapchat everyday. It started off friendly and then he got very flirty quickly, he was flirty on holiday and so was I. We speak everyday about our days and we flirt alot. We've also facetimed".

Zanatdy · 14/08/2023 21:17

Block this guy. He’s just having a bit of fun and doesn’t care about your feelings. Pity his poor wife, think yourself lucky as he probably does this all the time and his wife doesn’t have a clue

Wherearemymarbles · 14/08/2023 21:20

Zanatdy
what about out pitying OP’s poor husband
op is equally culpable and also ‘having a bit of fun’

riverlodge90 · 14/08/2023 21:23

Don't be a mug OP. You won't be the first or last woman he'll use to spice up his love life.

I feel sorry for his wife

PoshHorseyBird · 14/08/2023 22:06

My question is how can he be happily married if we spoke about meeting up, talk everyday and he even said once he liked me not just for my body?

I mean, by that stance OP you must not be happy in your marriage either? I mean a lot of people are saying they feel sorry for this man's wife (which I agree with) but what about feeling sorry for your husband? Would you have cheated on him if this man had agreed to meet up? You say you feel hurt but how do you think your husband would feel if he found out about you and this man? How would you feel if it was your husband flirting with another woman? Do you still want to be with your husband? If so, it would be a good idea to block this other man and work on your marriage.

Original poster
Mum29of2 · 14/08/2023 22:10

Unfortunately before I went away on this holiday I found a picture on my husbands computer of another girl, when I questioned him he told me she was a cam girl that he'd watched and messaged once. I felt hurt, ugly, not good enough for anyone so when this man showed me some attention yes I loved it, I couldn't believe this attractive man wanted me. Ever since the picture I've felt unhappy but Im trying to work on it for the kids.

OP posts:
jelly79 · 14/08/2023 22:28

Don't try to build your self esteem via the attention of another man, married or not. He has now made you feel rejected and you probably feel worse. But a lucky escape this has disaster written all over it.

Cut ties. Work on what you need for yoj x

winterchills · 14/08/2023 22:28

He was wrong to flirt but he's admitting he's married so you must stop contact
Now

Hiddenvoice · 14/08/2023 22:32

I’m sorry about what’s happened with your husband. Something similar happened to me and I completely understand that when someone shows you a attention it helps build back up all that lost confidence and self esteem .

However, this man isn’t the right way to go about building up your confidence. You’re not in the best place so maybe this isn’t the right time to be starting something new. You haven’t been able to see that your husband looking/ watching cam girls and this other married man emotionally and pretty much physically cheating on his wife are both awful things. Yes you’re low but his wife is innocent and you’re engaging in flirty messages and what not with him. He is responsible for how he treats his wife but you’re also knowingly entertaining this with a married man, maybe having no consideration for his wife.

What your husband did was wrong but you need to put these feelings for the other man aside and focus on your marriage. Either you take time apart to decide what you want or you go to counselling and see if you can mend it. Your husband hurt you and now you’ve found a way to hurt him back. It may not have been your intention but would this have happened if you hadn’t seen this picture?

SunflowerTed · 15/08/2023 00:08

You sound very immature

Grendell · 15/08/2023 00:15

Sounds like you are the one who took it across the line and he cut you off quick.
Flirty married men are a dime a dozen.
He gave you minimal attention and you wondered if he would leave his wife.
Just re-set. You'll be fine. If you need to divorce, then get a divorce.

porridgeisbae · 15/08/2023 00:28

He isn't a decent guy @Mum29of2 , flirting and leading on someone who isn't his wife. Block him and focus on living your life, and if you want to, trying to find one of the good ones (in general, a bloke who goes on about the physical this much this early isn't a decent one, anyway.)

Andthereyougo · 15/08/2023 00:28

Could he be a serial flirter? Friend got sucked in by a married man in almost the same way, he was friendly with one of her friends. Of course he’d been trying it on with her friend for weeks, got nowhere so moved onto my friend. Ended disastrously.

porridgeisbae · 15/08/2023 00:30

(hi sorry am knackered, just spotted you're married too.) You can't focus on working on your marriage and flirt with another guy at the same time, that's a contradiction it terms really or means your attempt to work on your marriage wasn't very serious.

bluebell34567 · 15/08/2023 00:38

i think he thought you were after a bit of fun besides his marriage.

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