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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married man... Help

48 replies

Mum29of2 · 14/08/2023 20:02

So first of all please don't judge me!

Ive been with my husband for 10 years and we've got 2 young children, 1 who has autism. My life is extremely hectic and I'm constantly in the house with the kids. Recently I went away with the girls (the first time I've ever done this) and met a man who is good friends with my gym instructor.
Ever since we've got home (about 1 month) we've been messaging on snapchat everyday. It started off friendly and then he got very flirty quickly, he was flirty on holiday and so was I. We speak everyday about our days and we flirt alot. We've also facetimed once to do something on their 🤦🏻‍♀️ after getting drunk last night I told him I'd had a dream about him and now I think I like him but I'm not stupid enough to know he'd leave his wife. He apologised and said he was just flirting for fun and that he was genuinely happily married.

My question is how can he be happily married if we spoke about meeting up, talk everyday and he even said once he liked me not just for my body?
I feel like an idiot and I know nothing was every going to come of it, we was never going to be together but I thought he might have liked me a little. I'm just hurt.

OP posts:

Themuffintop · 15/08/2023 01:15

Your husband has behaved badly and I’m sorry that happened to you. Personally I would not believe it was a one off but only you will know what you want to do. That may take time to percolate so give yourself some space and time.

I’m afraid however, that your husbands actions do not excuse your current behaviour.

If you are committed to working on your marriage then you have to actually do the work. Don’t try:
do. That work needs to be done irrespective of whether you stay together or not, particularly because you share children.

Clearly getting involved with someone else is a terrible idea. Do try to be thankful it’s been nipped in the bud. He might be a prick but he has done you an enormous favour.

Good luck OP xx

GG1986 · 15/08/2023 01:54

He's a man and wanted a confidence boost! Prick

Hawkins009 · 15/08/2023 01:56

The adventure, the novelty of something new.
Chips and fish every day for ten years then comes along and it's chips and Pie and it's omg etc

BadNomad · 15/08/2023 02:24

Some people think flirting is harmless. Some people think sending nudes is harmless. S__ome people think if nothing physical happens then it's not cheating. I'm guessing he is one of those people.

Elis44 · 15/08/2023 02:43

GG1986 · 15/08/2023 01:54

He's a man and wanted a confidence boost! Prick

And so did the OP!

GarlicGrace · 15/08/2023 03:04

I think I get it, @Mum29of2. Sauce for the gander, type of thing. Unlike your husband, you didn't pay for it, which could be seen as a very tiny point in your favour.

Now you're as bad as your husband, do you feel better? Maybe you do? It's obviously good that you didn't go on to a full-blown affair; that would be hideously messy & leave you feeling like shit. But you got your ego boost, though.

Now what are you going to do about your marriage?

peachbasil · 15/08/2023 03:04

It's been a month, he's got a new side chick to boost his ego and spicy up his safety marriage now.

HalfwayToMyMamasHome · 15/08/2023 05:53

Of ffs. You’re married. If you’re not happy in your relationship, end it, but this is just scummy. Be careful he hasn’t taken screenshots or video of you.

Your marriage sounds over to me anyway. Split, make sure your kids are ok and if you want to start something new, do it then. Not with this dickhead or anyone else that is in a relationship.

Do some people just have really low standards, want drama and to fuck up their kids? Life can be so much simpler and you get to keep your self respect.

HamishTheCamel · 15/08/2023 06:07

It was an ego boost for both of you. You liked the attention from him and he liked the attention from you. The difference is that you were doing it because you're not happy in your marriage, whereas he wanted to have his cake and eat it - flirt with an attractive woman while also having a loving wife at home.

WhereTheSuburbsMeetUttoxeter · 15/08/2023 06:12

Ohh definitely no judgement here. Isn't it wonderful to feel attractive and feel some excitement again.

Unfortunately for you, this is (and not taking anything away from you at all) is how he gets his kicks and thrills.

You've fallen fast and hard. Reading your username I'm guessing that you're 29? Been with husband since 19? Feel free to correct me!

I think what you need to do now is work out what YOU want. I don't mean this man, forget him, block him, you will get over him.
But for the future think of yourself. Are you happy? Are you even content?
Can you speak to your husband about feeling unhappy in the marriage - either to see if you can get some spark together or if not, how to separate.

You're only here once. You've both cheated in a sense.

I personally could not imagine being with someone for my entire life from a young age, but I love being single, so I'm probably biased.

First things first, block the man and think about yourself and your marriage.
Aw good luck.

WandaWonder · 15/08/2023 06:14

You can be as hurt as you want he is married, so are you it appears

TheAverageJoanne · 15/08/2023 06:51

Andthereyougo · 15/08/2023 00:28

Could he be a serial flirter? Friend got sucked in by a married man in almost the same way, he was friendly with one of her friends. Of course he’d been trying it on with her friend for weeks, got nowhere so moved onto my friend. Ended disastrously.

Not woken up properly yet. I read this as serial killer.

5128gap · 15/08/2023 07:25

Sparkshaveflown · 14/08/2023 21:14

"@5128gap There's no reason at all to think he's not happy in his marriage"

Err.....

OP - " Ever since we've got home (about 1 month) we've been messaging on snapchat everyday. It started off friendly and then he got very flirty quickly, he was flirty on holiday and so was I. We speak everyday about our days and we flirt alot. We've also facetimed".

Don't confuse being a happy husband with being an attentive one. Devoting time to messaging OP could easily fit into his life like other men might watch the football or go cycling.
He might be very happy in the marriage. He might enjoy the best possible life with a partner who caters to his every whim. Still doesn't stop the greedy ones wanting more.

Susieb2023 · 15/08/2023 07:31

Validation is a wonderful thing OP and you were giving this man plenty of ego kibbles. He REALLY doesn’t need to be ‘unhappily married’ to lap up attention from another woman. That nonsense has led many women into having affairs with cake eating cheats.

But you’re struggling to see you were doing exactly the same except you’re unhappily married, but the validation and ego kibbles were giving you a thrill too.

You need to delete and block this man, have more respect for yourself and your family (and his wife and family) and then turn to your own unhappy marriage. Another sneaking, cheating married man is not the antidote here, you need to pull yourself together, find a backbone and work a way forward and that may be leaving this marriage and going it alone for a bit.

Iclyn · 15/08/2023 07:37

I think you were shocked at the image you found on your husband's phone and was probably still reeling from it when you went away.
You met this man and was in a bad place emotionally and let those emotions cloud your behaviour.
Forget this man , he was just wrong time , wrong situation , despite the temporary boost it gave you.
Work on your marriage and find out about the cam girl and what has led you husband to pay for one and keep her pic on his phone.
Time for open and honest conversations with your husband.

Feelingcrazy123 · 15/08/2023 09:12

None of this is okay.

your poor husband and the other fellas poor wife.

sorry If I sound harsh or judgmental… I was the wife that this happened to earlier this year. It was awful, if you love your husband and want to be with him you need to stop doing g what your doing

Dery · 15/08/2023 11:01

“Your husband has behaved badly and I’m sorry that happened to you. Personally I would not believe it was a one off but only you will know what you want to do. That may take time to percolate so give yourself some space and time.

I’m afraid however, that your husbands actions do not excuse your current behaviour.

Clearly getting involved with someone else is a terrible idea. Do try to be thankful it’s been nipped in the bud. He might be a prick but he has done you an enormous favour.”

This. Your OP is a bit weird because you act as if the only issue is this other man’s behaviour but you yourself are married and your behaviour was also very wrong. As to what your DH did - well, 2 wrongs don’t make a right. Tit for tat infidelities, which is what you’re describing, will shatter your relationship with your DH. So either you end your marriage or you work on it.

Feverly · 15/08/2023 11:13

‘We've also facetimed once to do something on their 🤦🏻‍♀️‘
Ew.
Instead of analysing the man, and ‘working on’ your marriage to your sex worker using husband (how?!), why not focus on improving yourself as a person and make plans for when your marriage inevitably ends?

Sunshineandflipflops · 15/08/2023 11:35

Op, something similar happened to me. It might boost your confidence at a time when it is rock bottom but it doesn't solve the issues in your marriage. In fact, it makes things worse as you are no longer the innocent party.

He has done you a favour by backing off, although it doesn't feel like it right now as your ego is bruised.

Tabasco007 · 15/08/2023 14:51

riverlodge90 · 14/08/2023 21:23

Don't be a mug OP. You won't be the first or last woman he'll use to spice up his love life.

I feel sorry for his wife

And OPs husband!

pocketpairs · 15/08/2023 15:16

Sorry but can't not judge, this behavior is absolutely disgusting. Your husband deserves someone better.

riverlodge90 · 15/08/2023 16:24

@Tabasco007 Agreed!

beenwhereyouare · 06/09/2023 08:28

Mum29of2 · 14/08/2023 22:10

Unfortunately before I went away on this holiday I found a picture on my husbands computer of another girl, when I questioned him he told me she was a cam girl that he'd watched and messaged once. I felt hurt, ugly, not good enough for anyone so when this man showed me some attention yes I loved it, I couldn't believe this attractive man wanted me. Ever since the picture I've felt unhappy but Im trying to work on it for the kids.

@riverlodge90
@pocketpairs
@Tabasco007

i'm in no way condoning OP's behavior, but her husband doesn't deserve sympathy as he "started it" by interacting with a cam girl. Most likely none of this would have happened if he hadn't cheated.

I don't understand how all 3 of you missed this post, as it was from the previous day! Please at least read all the OP's posts BEFORE you comment.

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