Its over.....

[Lizzer]

Please help...Couldn't face posting on the dating game thread cos it has such wonderful things about the start of the relationship. But basically he called it off last night saying that he didn't want a girlfriend right now loads of crap about work is his priority at the moment. There were lots of tears from us both and he told me he loved me but felt he couldn't give me what I needed, so had finished it because if it went on then he would only treat me worse andworse...
Ifeel so awful. I knew we had problems and I wanted to talk them through, was also thinking that he might not be right for me but its only been 7 months surely that 1st year is full of differences cos you are getting to know someone. I thought it would be ok if we worked out where we were going, maybe took a little break for a while but not THIS!!!!
It feels like my heart is ripped into shreds, can't eat, sleep. My eyes hurt so much from crying and dd keeps saying 'are your eyes sore mummy?' Its bad enough having split up with people in the past, esp. dd's dad but this is different. Ever since I moved back to this hideous little town 3 yrs ago I fancied him, he kept me going, through everything there was always him... I can't believe its gone, I can't believe anything anymore. It feels like its not happening to me, that its just a dream. Why????
What am suppose to say to dd when she asks why we can't stay at A's anymore???????? /what am I supposed to do now, please someone tell me????

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Lizzer, back again - just wanted to add, while the heartbreak is so fresh, would it help if your mother or friends looked after your dd at times to give you space to grieve, time for some long chatty evenings with your best friends, and some uninterupted tlc (new haircut, some retail therapy, a long walk - whatever you want). I do know that gutted feeling - your world just seems to stop. What helped me was filling my life with things that kept me busy, and putting myself in the company of nice, strong and calm people, so forcing myself to think of other things apart from the horrible ex and my shattered dreams.

I do hope you have woken up feeling OK this morning - though I know that feeling of opening my eyes, then a split second later, remembering life isn't the same as it was, then a huge wave of sadness.

Lizzer, you know there'll be people here thinking of you today. Keep strong.

Keep saying to yourself 'this WILL pass'

Thankyou all so much I'm overwhelmed with how lovely everyone has been on here and all my friends in real life. I'm swinging all over the place on the emotional front at the moment. Happy, sad, angry, distraught, strong, weak. ITs all in there and feels wrong. I'm taking some homeopathic medicine (for grief ,funnily enough tigermoth) which seems to help. I have yet to talk to him but I think I need to be stronger and more focussed before I do. I have to get a perspective.

Thanks for your messages there's loads of useful things for me to gain from - mainly by remembering I AM ok and not some freak woman who'll never get another man. That I should do things rather than wallow in self-pity. I'm planning a weekend away already as 'we' were going to go away so mum is going to babysit for me. I haven't told her yet though. She adored him too and thought that was it for me. More importantly it has been 'nice' (if that's the right word) to hear that most people have been through this - and survived.

Liamsmum, your message gave me hope for our future but I think I have to face the facts he will never be who I really want, he can't give it to me that's sad but true. But i really want him back at the moment.

Amanda1, I'm glad that your dd is ok with everything now. That gives me hope. I'm still dreading going to pick up her little sleeping bag and toys from his house as we used to stay over once a week... I don't know whether she should see him at all as I'm not sure I want to see him again as a friend yet...
Bobbins, so sorry to hear about you too. I'm pleased the pain is easing and I know I need to get out there and be Lizzer again soon...

Marina, Robinw, yes I will focus on me again (eventually) - need to get my life sorted before making room for a man - that's always my fatal flaw and my life becomes their life, IYSWIM. I'm going to do something, maybe uni or some training in something... Funnily enough I had just sent off for some details about distance learning courses in journalism last week - maybe I knew this was coming!

Sorry, still having trouble getting long messages to post.Which is why there's so many....

I'm definitely going to come back and read this thread when I'm feeling down. The shock is subsiding and I really WANT to keep my chin up like you all have said. Sorry, I know this is a boring thread for everyone. I really hope you don't mind me using it for a bit of thinking time. i can type much better than I can talk.. And on that subject does anyone think writing a letter would be better than face to face contact at this time...?

Ok to lighten the mood - but still mean I want an answer- can anyone recommend a good way of getting rid of red, puffy eyes??!!

Cold flannels! Lizzer if you want to talk some more feel free to email me if you like. Won't be offended if you don't but, hey, NW single mothers with daughter must support each other!

email at [email protected]

Oi Tinker! She's MY friend now! I emailed her FIRST!!!! Fight! Fight!

Bet you have more friends than he does Lizzer!

Hehehe Rhubarb! "There's room in my heart for all of you"

Ok, I did a bad/weird thing yesterday but it seems to have worked. I texted him sayig I was sad, but not angry, and I thought talking would help. He phoned me in seconds and we talked a bit about how rubbish the past two days were. I said to him that although I knew we weren't right for each other, and that it wasn't meant to be, still wanted him in my life as he was brilliant. He felt the same about me. I asked if I should go to his friend's leaving party that night and he said yes, it wouldn't be awkward. He then said I could sleep at his house,in the spare room.....hmmmm.....

Do I need to tell you where I actually stayed?! And now I feel better. That's the weird thing. We had a good time last night and we woke up and talked through some things. I was being really brave and told him all my thoughts. We still maintain that we will be in each other's lives and be 'friends' but I have no experience of this, is it possible? We really probably will make better friends than lovers but as we weren't friends before will it be too weird? Anyone any first hand evidence of this? Also, is it really wrong to sleep with your ex? He doesn't feel like and 'ex' yet. But I did cry a little bit when I had to leave....
Thankyou all for telling me to go out. I was sooo pleased I could be at that party showing everyone I wasn't going to scuttle away under floorboards. I got my point across well and there were no scenes. brilliant

I have just come across this thread and wish you well. Unfortunately, from my experience staying friends with an ex is v.difficult and will hold you both back from real happiness with new partners.

I had a traumatic break-up with someone a good few years ago who loved me whole-heartedly and was too young for the next stage. Well, he wanted to continue to see me as friends and we would have probably ended up going too far. I am glad I said no, even though my every cell ached for him. I might add that it took me over 2 years to consider dating anyone else. I bumped into him recently, very embarrassing, as am now much fatter and frumpier. He looked the same, very cool and confident, but no part of me flickered for him.

I think you will find it better in the long run to have an all or nothing deal. But very painful to have no contact.

So sad to see this thread today Lizzer - so little time since we were all excited on the ttc thread - life is horribly cruel sometimes.

I think the truth about getting over relationships is that you have to do whatever you have to do at a given time to 'get thru' - maybe that's sleeping with him, maybe it's staying friends - I have certainly done it after a break up with someone I thought was IT. I'd planned my whole life as I thought to be with him ( including getting a job near him miles from all my family and friends) and then was left with a job I didn't want and the prospect of never ever seeing him again just like that and COULDN'T do it - the physical need for him, in whatever form, on whatever level, was just too great. I remember vividly sitting in a armchair at my mum's all curled up and thinking 'Now I understand why people kill themselves' I didn't want to or anything - it had just shown me such utter despair that it gave me a glimpse of how your world can just dissolve and you would wonder what the point was.
Just when I began to get my life really back together ( isn't it always the way?) and a passionate fling with someone else put a spring in my step he decided he'd made a misatke and wanted to try again. And we did try, I couldn't not do as I'd believed for so long that he was IT - but in the end I don't think I could ever really totally forgive him for the hurt and I was never really convinced that I was totally special to him after what he'd done- and in the end I finished it. BUt I don't regret staying friends or trying again - because of it I'm left with no regrets, It helped me to cope with my grief at the time and to get him out of my system in the long run - and dh who I met thru an ad' in Private Eye is 100% better for me than he ever would have been (Tall, blond, gorgeous, funny, kind and earns a packet!).
Show him what a he's lost - head up and 'party' Lizzer...
Bayleaf
x

Lizzer,

Haven't been around the boards for ages but stopped by for a quick look tonight and was sad to read this thread.

I'm single with two children and on Friday finally managed to find the courage to finish with my boyfriend after 18 months together. Though most of this time has been really good, now and then he has gone through periods of 'needing to work out what he wants', involving treating me crappily in some way and sodding off to be alone somewhere. It has all been about the realisation that if we are to continue then some form of commitment is required - although by no means have I tried to rush him up the aisle!

The most recent episode has gone on for four weeks - no contact from him, just me phoning and emailing now and again to keep up communication of sorts. He couldn't say whether he loved me or not, whether he wanted to be with me or not, he was just in a state of total confusion. For whatever reason he seems to have a terrible fear of intimacy, and was swinging between the contradictory desires to marry me and run away. Sadly for him he chose to behave in such a way (refusing to make a decision either way) that I've had to extricate myself from an awful limbo which had no end in sight.

Finally it dawned on me that it is really damaging to keep chasing after someone you love when they either don't love you or are incapable of expressing it if they do, and that for my self-respect and dignity it must end. I know that it is far, far better to be alone than in a relationship such as this. For a long time I hung on to the belief that if he didn't know what he wanted, that was at least better than saying he wanted it to be over, but now I know that's not the case. Any decent woman deserves a man who will love, care for and respect us wholeheartedly in return, nothing less, and IMO anything that falls short of that leads only to pain and self degradation.

I think Bayleaf's message says some very good things, but I would be wary and careful Lizzer. He might well end up being really nice to you simply because he's now getting what he wanted (good company and sex) with absolutely no commitment whatsoever. If you're genuinely happy with that then fine, but there's no point doing it if you're hanging on for more.

Let us know how you get on, and hope you're feeling ok.

love Mopsy xxx

Mopsy, sorry to hear about your dp too. I remember you talking about it, sorry it didn't work out but you do sound very sorted about it, well done.

sorry to hear you've been through the mill, mopsy. It sounds like you came to your decision after lots of heart searching, and I hope you feel better now you have made the break.

Lizzer, I can totally understand where you are coming from because I have had similar experiences (yes, two or three times!) to bayleaf's in my twenties. I am still friends with two men who seriously broke my heart and yes, I did sleep with them after our relationships had finished. They have been part of my life for twenty years, if now only now a small part. My husband has met them and knows about them. I have met their current partners. For years I felt the odd twang but now I don't.

I think that if you share time with someone really extra special, then why not try to retrieve a friendship when the relationship ends. I knew when it was time to stop sleeping with each of these exes - and then it was a lot easier to say goodbye to that part of our relationship. No pun intended, but this didn't happen overnight.

However, IME, if your boyfriend is an ex, you must never be lulled into forgetting you are a free agent. Sometimes the boyfriends I saw as exes liked to think my life had stopped still and I was still 'theirs'. While not rubbing it in their faces that I wasn't,I never let them think I was putting them first as before.

However nice it is to meet up, IMO your absolute priority is to make new friends, see if there's anyone else around who you like, think about your future and generally get on with your life. Having your ex as a friend can be a boost - you know they still like you and you are not obsessed with wondering what they are up to, but you have your freedom, too.

It depends on you, I think. You'll either find it easier to make a new start knowing you're on friendly terms with your ex, or you won't. Just remember in this, you come first.

Lizzer, and Mopsy,
Very sorry to hear that things have not worked out. I was foolishly looking on Lizzer's relationship as a piece of inspiration, that there actually was a nice guy who would welcome a partner with her own child. The fear of getting hurt again is another reason why I have stayed single for so long this time, but, when you look back at relationships that have caused you so much pain, isn't it unfair not to remember the fun you had too? Neither of you is silly enough to have gone out with these guys for so many months, unless you were having some good times too, and it is the memory of happy times together that makes you feel sad now. I am really impressed that you both did have the guts to make the leap again and fall in love, and hope you will again some time in the future.
Love, Cityfreak

oh Lizzer, you poor, poor thing
your experience reminded me so much of a the end of a long-term relationship I had (6 yrs) and how bleak I felt. Nothing will make you feel ok just now, but one of the most poignant moments I had was crying in front of my friend's 3 kids (all under 6) when I was babysitting for them (my ex was their uncle) and them being really sympathetic and loving, hugging me and saying "what can we do to make you feel better?" and I said oh a chocolate biscuits and watching Coronation St in peace (for a change!) - and they obliged. i hope there are people around for you, being extra kind when you need it most.

Lizzer
I'm sorry to hear about your current situation, there aren't really words to describe how ghastly these things are. It has happened to me also and it feels so terrible at the time but you do get over it. Having a dependant at this time makes it harder because they need emotional input from you when you're not feeling so good. You must tell your mum if you haven't already because you need some TLC and just to keep letting it out till its all gone.Sending you lots of love and strength.

Lizzer - men have very different attitudes towards sex than we do, and whilst they may think it is fine to sleep with an ex (let's face it, they can sleep with someone and it can actually mean nothing to them), we get too emotionally involved.

It's difficult to stay 'friends' with an ex I think. What would happen if he found someone else? How would you feel then? But for now at least, it might make the breaking up easier if you were still comfortable with each other. And certainly for your dd it is easier to explain to her that you are still friends, rather than him just 'disappearing' from your life.

But please, please don't let this guy use you by thinking he can sleep with you whenever and wherever in a no-strings relationship. That's what every guy wants!

You'll get through this with the help of real friends, and us Mumsnetters of course!

Really sorry to hear this Lizzer.

Mopsy - sorry to hear it didn't work out for you. Followed your story but glad to hear you weren't prepared to put up with any more c*. Must feel quite empowering.

Lizzer - know how easy it is to sleep with someone for comfort, imagine most of us have done that. But think staying friends with exes is really tricky. One of you is still the injured party and, despite not wanting to, starts reading too much into situations. Hope it doesn't happen for you, but for the partner who has decided they want out, they can really start to dislike the other party.

I think friendship comes a long way down the line if one of you is still sweet on the other. He might just start to see you as a f* friend, and from the sound of it, I don't think that's what you would want.

I wish you all the best, heartbreak is horrid.

Lizzer and Mopsy, sorry things aren't working out.x E

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Lizzer, hope you are coping OK. I'm glad you had a good party.

I've slept with an ex before, (on several ocassions). We've always remained friends, but I think he'd really like more, and I have often felt pretty grotty about that. He was my first love and he always contacts me when he hears a relationship of mine has fallen through. He's been in contact lots recently. There is no way I'm going there though, I would be doing it for all the wrong reasons and it would be unfair on him. I think this SHOULD be how your ex feels, but then he is male.

On a lighter note. I have met a young man myself. A couple of months ago I would have completely disbelieved anyone that said I could feel so much better soon. It may be a rebound thing, but wahtever it is it feels damn fine. I just HAD to start going out and enjoying myself a little. Up until then I had been a bit of a recluse.

You probably suspect I'm talking an utter pile of poo at the moment...but good luck to you

xxxxxxxxx