Friend introvert at work

[Savagepuma]

I made a friend at work, who told me that she is introvert. I never really bothered with those terms like introvert or extravert, as long as I get on with people its fine whoever they are. But this friend I really like, she has beautiful personality and very nice person in general, the only problem is the lack of communication. I would like to talk more, but she's most of the time sitting alone, coming for lunch and goes to sit alone. Before we sat few weeks on lunch breaks, then she started to sit with me only sometimes, other times alone. I don't want to intrude or be clingy, no way would I do that, but just wondering, if this would change at some point or it will always stay like that?
I'm the only one she speaks to about non work related stuff, I can see that she's different with me than anyone else at work, but how to understand her better?

You don't really need to understand her better.

She is who she is and she is happy that way. That's all there is to understand.

If you aren't happy with that, find someone else to chat to at work.

If she takes herself off alone during her breaks, that’s pretty clear and should be respected really.

Tbh, if she told you she's an introvert, I might read that as her way of telling you to back off a bit. Most people don't really announce stuff like that.

I always used to sit alone and read on breaks (I was also in a customer facing job so found I really needed down time). Once day some colleagues, who saw me sit alone every day, asked if I wanted to sit/ chat with them, it was like they took pity on me! It was a kind gesture but they didn't seem to realise that I wanted to sit alone! That was 20 odd years ago, I still enjoy lunch breaks on my own.

Are you M and she F by any chance?

When you have chats, is it just general small talk or do you offload a lot of personal information and seek guidance for your problems?

I only ask because I'm quite introverted myself and really struggled with a previous colleague as she'd want to chat to me all day at work and then accompany me at lunchtimes - and continue to offload. It was so overwhelming. I just wanted half hour by myself with no one talking at me.

It's a bit hard to explain how an introvert might feel to an extrovert...
Imagine you have the worst headache ever but you're stuck at work and your colleague wants to chat with you. You don't want to be rude but trying to focus on work with a massive headache and then entertain a conversation just makes your head hurt more.
You think you can just have a lie down at lunchtime but then the colleague wants to spend the break with you, so you can't have a little rest and try shake the headache. So then at the end of the day you have a full blown migraine.
And imagine you have to do this everyday.
It's too much. That's why introverts have quiet periods. That's why we like to have lunch breaks alone.
You just need to be patient and follow her lead - if she feels like chatting, she will chat. If she wants to go to lunch with you, she will.
Obviously I don't speak for all introverts and others might feel differently.
I saw a post somewhere recently that said something along the lines that everyone always tells an introvert to speak more but no one ever tells an extrovert that they should speak less!

I am also female, and at our workplace 95% of staff are males, and chat topics are different, that's why I thought it would have been nice to have some girl friend at work.
And she was the one who started joining me on breaks, still does but not that regularly, but when she does we speak quite alot and it's always interesting, and naturally I'd like to speak more, but knowing she's introvert, I don't interfere and just wait for her to start talking when she feels like talking.

Oh no no, we have good conversations, meaningful and interesting, and nothing negative. It's only been 4 months since we started talking and I don't share my problems with her, that would be very unprofessional I suppose.
She tells me alot of her personal stuff, probably more than I tell her, and often shows what she found interesting in her phone, it's just those times are very irregular and quite rare, but I don't push and don't force her to talk, I just leave her alone until she decides she wants to talk. Sometimes I only approach her to ask something, if necessary, she replies and then I walk away, because I don't want to disturb.

Everything is respected, and I don't force her to talk when she wants to sit alone

I'm introverted but also pretty low in self esteem. I genuinely like my team at work but sometimes deliberately take my break at a different time or sit somewhere else mostly because I can't imagine they really want me around. Oh dear that sounds rather pitiful!

I'm a teacher and also autistic. I never go into the staffroom at breaktimes and would rather sit in my car or on my own in a room in another block.

Sometimes, I'll join my immediate colleagues and we'll chat. But most of the time I just want to sit in absolute silence.

No one knows I'm autistic and no one has ever wanted to understand me better. They just respect my choices.

If she's going off and spending time on her own then that is what she wants to do. Go and find someone else to talk to.

Maybe it's just me but I'm really not sure what it is about her that you want to 'understand better'. IME, that just means finding ways to change someone's mind so they do things you want them too.

Otherwise you'd just accept it.

I'm very much an introvert. At my last job there were days when I just wanted to be alone during lunch. Then there were days when I would join others for lunch. Most of my coworkers always ate in groups but I don't like having lunch with other people every day, sometimes I don't feel like being bothered. But its nothing personal, and my coworkers knew that so always welcomed me whenever I wanted to join the group. Or understood if I declined an invite to lunch as well.

I'm an introvert. I prefer to be alone at lunch at work.

I'll sit with the team if they all go to lunch maybe 1 in 4 times.

Don't put any pressure on her, just tell her to let you know if she ever wants to have lunch. Don't try and push her to talk or go to lunch if she doesn't want to.

By saying "understand better" I meant just to know how to behave and how to adapt to her behaviour, like I said before I really like this person and want to become friends, and that's why for me is so important to know.

I'm not that type of person myself who would "glue" to someone and demand attention, not at all, but she sometimes coming and blanking me and sometimes coming full of words and talks non stop for 30 mins, it's a bit odd to me and that's why I wanted to hear opinions from other people to help me to understand, that's all.

So, when she comes and sits with you, talk to her. When she doesn't, leave her be.

Thats it.

Well, she's a person, not a robot. So nobody can predict how she'll feel on a certain day.

If she wants to chat she will. If she chooses to be alone then you must leave her to it. If you want someone to talk to or have lunch with more often then she may not be the right person I'm afraid.

I'm an extrovert and prefer lunch alone. I'm busy 24/7 in an ED and my lunch is just to zone out.

She told you she's introverted and she's acting introverted. It won't change. Personally I'm not introverted but I avoid everyone at lunch. It's the only 30 mins I get alone to do what I want at work so I hate sitting with other people.

She's told you who she is. Listen.

I think some of these replies are unnecessarily blunt, OP is doing nothing wrong wanting to cultivate a potential friendship! Alternatively the colleague might think she is bothering OP by seeking her out too much. I'm terrible at making friends but do appreciate the extroverts in my life. It takes a very long time for me to be comfortable and get to know people. The colleague might be the same.

No. There's nothing wrong with wanting to cultivate a friendship but the OP does understand her colleague. She knows what her colleague needs because she's told her and she's showing her.

What the OP means is how can she change her or use what she knows about her so that she can achieve the type of friendship she wants to have with her colleague.

She's not saying she's confused by seemingly hot and cold behaviour and asking why it might be occurring. She knows. She has specifically said that she wants to be able to talk to her colleague more when her colleague is telling and showing her that that is not what she wants.

I'm an extrovert and I sometimes take myself off on my own at lunch time and breaks because I'm sick of work chat/colleagues. I'd be very taken aback if I found out that one of my colleagues was analysing this normal behaviour to the point of posting on forums. It all seems a bit intense.

Intense. Yes. That's the word I was looking for and couldn't find 🙄

It is intense.

I don't want to change her, I was asking if it's possible that the behaviour would change at any point in the future, like when people get to know each other better they want to talk more etc. And I'm glad so many introverted people replied to my post, that helps to look from their angle.
And yes I would like to talk to her more often but there's no way I would go constantly to her into her face, quite contrary, like if you want to be alone it's fine, be alone, I am not that type of person to ask for attention, if she doesn't want it's ok, the world is not gonna crush after all.

If she sometimes sits with you then enjoy her company when she does but entertain yourself when she doesn’t. I don’t see why you’re posting really; there’s nothing you can do to change how often she wants to sit with you. Also you’re not at work to make friends so don’t focus on it so much

I don’t think that’s entirely fair.

Yes, obviously the colleague is communicating with the OP in that all behaviour is communication, but I don’t see the OP as being in any way unreasonable to want to understand the terms of the ‘relationship’ (to the extent that it is one) better, rather than just being the passive recipient of the other woman’s occasional company, and obliged to react passively to whether the colleague feels like talking or not, without herself being able to express a desire of her own.

It may be, of course, that this is simply not a situation that will ever develop into a friendship, as it’s too one-sided.

OP, judging by Mn, most people misuse the term ‘introvert’, when what they actually mean is ‘socially-awkward’, ‘shy’, or ‘socially anxious’, or, in some cases ‘misanthropic’.

I am an introvert — a sociable one. I love company, friendships and meeting interesting new people, but I need vast amounts of time alone to compensate. You would not ‘know’ in company or at work, unless I was exhausted and had had no recharge time. It might be that I would need lunch alone at times, depending on the job, but if I genuinely liked a colleague, I would communicate with them explicitly about that, not just expect them to second-guess me on a specific day, or to accept that my needs as an introvert should be prioritised over theirs. Friendship is a two-way thing.

Its not possible to tell from your post, OP, whether this woman is socially-inept, shy, an introvert who is exhausted by the demands of the job, or simply has no idea how her behaviour impacts on others. But if you want your needs to be met, too, this might not be for you.

In that case, she'd be better off speaking to her colleague directly.

"Look, I really like chatting with you. I understand that you like to spend time on your own but you know where I am if you ever fancy a chat," wouldn't be interpreted negatively by anyone. Except that, from what the OP says, that's happening anyway.

OP, in terms of whether it's likely to change, no one here can answer that. If she is using introvert when she means quiet, shy, socially awkward or even a bit misanthropic, it doesn't really make any difference to how much time she wants to spend with other people. And it still wouldnt be appropriate to expect any more of her.

You can be disappointed that this is how it is and think it's a shame that the only other woman in your workplace doesn't seem to want to make friends there - that's fine. But you do already understand her and what she needs.

As a pp said, if your social contact needs are not being met by her, it's not going to develop into a mutually beneficial friendship but someone you can have good conversations with on occasion. And that's not a bad thing.