People with siblings - what do you wish your parents had known?

[clarebear111]

I have one DC and am pregnant with DC2.

My concern is that I am an only child, as is my DP (who is the father of both DCs), and my mum.

I think I have quite a romanticised notion of what it would be like to have a sibling, having always wanted one, but I read a lot about the complexities of some sibling relationships and a lot seems to stem from childhood and perceptions of favouritism or other inequalities in treatment.

Is anyone able to tell me what they wish their parents had known when raising siblings?

What's the age gap going to be?

My parents were great as seeing and treating us as individuals rather than just 'the children'. We were listened to and given time one on one and encouraged in our individual interests etc.

I'm close with both my siblings and I think part of that came from being able to say 'I don't want to play with them now' (as long as it was expressed in a polite manner) we were all given space, not expected to constantly be each others playfellows whilst being taught that family is important and we look after each other.

With my kids I try to do the same and explain to the younger ones that sometimes their elder sibling won't want to play with them and that's okay they are allowed to have space and it works both ways if that makes sense. Also encourage them as individuals whilst making it clear that we support each other as a family so they will attend each others sport matches/ theatre performances etc. I think they all have a good relationship (obviously they fight at times) but on the whole get on well.

Honestly not sure if this bothered other people with siblings, but myself personally, I wished my mum didn't dress me and my sister in the same outfits. We were nearly 3 years apart. Yes the photos look cute but just feel like I didn't have any individuality as a child.
We're obviously much older now and our dress styles are completely different!

Nothing really. Dsis and I are nearly 5 years apart and got on ok as young children and then really well from when she was about 12.

My ds (15) and dd (18) get on amazingly well and always have done. They are basically best friends. Ds is going to be (secretly) bereft when she goes to university this autumn.

I think having good sibling relationships is partly the luck of the draw in terns of ages, personalities etc and partly just a question of whether you have good parents or not.

Thanks, this is all really helpful.

@jellybe My son will be 3 and a half when the baby is due to arrive.

My mum was an only and had very few cousins so, like you, I don’t think she had much idea what to expect of sibling relationships.

My advice: accept how they are, they may be very similar, they may be very different, they may actually have very little in common. If they do get along then that’s lovely but it may not be the case, and if so, don’t push.

Your son will be old enough to understand that a baby is coming, make sure he knows he is still special. When he gets older he may not want the little one tagging along when he is with his friends, so again, don’t force it.

Encourage them to be proud of each other’s achievements, that goes a long way to strengthening the good feelings!

That is similar to the age gap between me and my eldest sibling. My mum said it worked well as they wanted to help but understood about being gentle with me as a baby etc.

That's the same kind of age gap as between me and my brother. What I remember is that any conflict was always seen as my fault - and actually he learned to milk that for all it was worth, and my mother was oblivious! It will feel like a huge gap, but your eldest is still small. Remember that.

Thanks everyone. These are really helpful points. I will have to be very careful not to treat my 3 year old as more mature than he is because he will seem really big compared to a newborn.

I saw this article this morning and it encapsulates what I am worried about and what I’m very keen to do all I can to avoid. Just sharing in case it’s helpful in that sense:

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/sep/03/my-sisters-fell-out-but-our-parents-wont-get-involved-philippa-perry

I’m the eldest with a bigger gap of 6 years between me and my 2 siblings. I was always treated as if I was practically an adult with quite a lot of expectation on me so I’m always careful with my own dc to ensure I remember the eldest one is still only little. It’s like a pp said, any conflict was seen as my fault because I was so much older. I was expected to pay for my own phone, glasses and school supplies soon as I got a job aged 14 and my siblings had it all paid for past uni age which I think has made me hyper aware of treating my 2 fairly because it annoyed me so much.

My parents especially my mother had rules for me and rules for my brother - as far as I can tell because he had a penis and I don't.
This meant he could go out with friends at a younger age than I was allowed, walk home from school ditto, sit and watch tv while I had to help tidy up from dinner, sit and chat to any visitors where I had to hand round the crisps, was allowed to sit and watch his sport while I had to go and help mother with the food shopping etc. etc.
It was bullshit.

Woops pressed send too soon.
So I suppose I'd want to tell them to please treat us the same !!!

I agree treat them the same whilst at the same time see them as individuals with their own unique views and and personalities - what worked for the eldest as a baby might not work for the new one.

Wish my mum had noticed my big sister repeatedly saying vile things to me about how I was a little piece of shit etc, thumping me and wrecking my self confidence. That said I have forgiven her and we're on good terms as adults 😊but these things do obviously have a lasting effect on the person you turn out to be. Think she must have just been very sneaky about it, cause I mentioned to my mum recently and she seemed genuinely shocked!

Yes, despite treating us as individuals and respecting us, my mum should have stepped in far more to stop my brother’s bullying. We get on fine as adults and actually he did me a massive kindness as an adult that i
will be forever grateful for, but we did not get on as kids. Same age gap as op will have, I’m afraid. My own children have always got on relatively well. The odd skirmish. I think having 3 helped as there was always an ally! The eldest was also not a fighter so helped set a tone, even though my eldest 2 are chalk and cheese.

I am two years older than my sister. She was part of the cool popular crowd at school so, despite being younger, was a bit of a bully. She often be mean and instigate things but somehow it was always my fault because I was older and should know better than than to react to her. I remember when I was a teenager and got my first job. I saved up to buy some makeup and within a few days it was missing. My parents refused to even entertain the idea she had taken it and even after I found it in her makeup bag in her room they just pretended it hadn't happened and told me I should overlook it because I was older and more mature. Two years really isn't much of a difference and being the younger sibling shouldn't excuse bad behaviour.

The dynamic still exists to this day. My sister never grew out of that bratty behaviour and so has struggled to form adult friendships/relationships. We live abroad so don't see her that often, but she is an absolute cow whenever we visit and my parents still refuse to even acknowledge it or intervene in any way.

I'm the middle of 3 and I wish my parents had known how "forgotten" I felt at times. Not in the Home Alone type way but in how I fitted in within the family dynamic. An example of this is, even in other families, when it comes to starting/leaving school, there are usually statements such as "well that's the eldest starting/finished school", "Can't believe my youngest has left/started school". Nowhere have I ever seen/heard the phrase "well that's the middle one done/starting school". It's usually "that's (middle child's name)....". To me at least it felt like although I have a name, I have no "status" within the family IYSWIM.

I’ve got twins and the very first Twins Trust membership magazine I received lead with an article from a psychologist about avoiding matching clothes for exactly the reason you’ve said. I can see why you felt like that.

There are definitely practicalities of doing it though - you’ve only got out outfit to try and piece together and you’ll end up with the same colour laundry to do. Your mum may have done it for ease. Having said that, I can barely find enough clean clothes for my kids to wear, let alone matching ones.

Nothing. They did their best

Make sure to treat them the same, my parents showed distinct favouritism towards my younger sister, also a 3.5 year age gap. Thing is I have older sisters and they agreed with me. I think when it’s just two and nobody else sees it that must be worse. DH sister is the favourite in his family as well.

Do things with them together but also have some one to one time with each child if possible.

Don't compare them to each other, especially directly to them. It's easy to say "but your brother can save his money" or "your sister can have kind hands, why can't you?" But it kills their relationship with each other and with you.

My siblings go
B1
3yrs
B2
5yrs
G1
4yrs
G2

I wish my parents had considered that my sister and I were not ever going to be friends just because we were both girls. As adults, the natural pairings are B1g2 and B2G1.

I’m an only and DH was one of three. Being the eldest he was expected to look after the younger 2 and became the ‘parent’. Youngest has always been off the charts bratty encouraged by MIL to tell tales on the others. There is now no relationship and even MIL can now see the vile behaviour.

With our own 2 we have encouraged their individuality - both play totally different sports and we encourage open communication - no talking about one to the other ie. Playing one off against the other.

I have a similar age gap between my 2 DDs. I think it worked very well as DD1 had the skills and maturity to be a bit more independent and have a life of her own but they still enjoyed the same outings and films as they got older.
I heard some advice somewhere that it was their job to get along and parents weren't there to sort out arguments and referee!. I tried to follow that advice consistently, We were probably lucky that DD1 has always been calm and sensible whereas DD2 was the fiery one! What happened as they got older was that when I refused to take sides they were united in seeing me as the baddie!

I think we were also lucky in that they were very different in their interests and personality so it was easier to treat them as individuals and there wasn't much competition between them.
I have also made it very clear as they grew up that what mattered was family unity I tried to model tolerance and respect for different viewpoints and not letting disagreements get out of proportion and drag on. They have a good relationship now as adults so I feel it was worth all the effort.
Good luck OP. I'm sure you'll be fine!

At a certain age your children will have a ‘preferred parent’ you and DH will ill likely have a child each IYSWIM. I would encourage alone time for each child with their non-preferred parent to help foster the relationship. I still feel a bit awkward (I’m 40) around my Dad because he was always with my sister and I was with my Mum.

My two have a two year age gap. The baby bit is tricky because they have nothing in common. We found baby mostly fitted in with older one.

My two were great pals once baby got mobile. If they get on it's lovely having two because they play together.

Teen years were hard going tho.