People with siblings - what do you wish your parents had known?

[clarebear111]

I have one DC and am pregnant with DC2.

My concern is that I am an only child, as is my DP (who is the father of both DCs), and my mum.

I think I have quite a romanticised notion of what it would be like to have a sibling, having always wanted one, but I read a lot about the complexities of some sibling relationships and a lot seems to stem from childhood and perceptions of favouritism or other inequalities in treatment.

Is anyone able to tell me what they wish their parents had known when raising siblings?

Nothing. I loved having a sibling and still do. Just wish I had more!

Don’t get in to a habit of making one ‘fit in’ with the other one. Yes, it’s easier if they both do the same activity but don’t push one to do the other’s activity. ok for a bit obviously.

To accept we aren’t close. Being blood related doesn’t mean we have to be. If my siblings and I weren’t related then we wouldn’t be friends, we’re all completely different

Similar boat here, OP and both my parents were only children.

I'd agree with seeing amd treating them as individuals and not just 'the children'.

Don't automatically assume there will be 'sibling rivalry' and don't encourage it; don't compare; allow them to disagree and fall out - they don't always have to be the best of friends; don't expect the older one to 'know better' just because they're older; allow them their own time, friends and space - the older one doesn't always have to accommodate the younger one because the younger one feels left out; the younger one isn't always blameless because they're younger and the older one isn't always at fault; don't pit them against each other.

Those are just some of the things I wish my parents had known. My mum's answer to everything was, "I'd have loved to have had a sibling so I would always/never..."

The best advice I ever got was to parent the child you have and not the one you expected. Accept they have their own personalities and inner worlds. Respond to them as individuals. Don't assume that what worked for one will work for the other.

The fact you care enough to ask means you'll already do better.

Everything that happened between me and my brother was considered "normal sibling rivalry" when it was really straight up abuse.

Absolutely nothing. I have two younger siblings and I never was sorry for them. Still very close, all within 5 years. We were always around eachother I wouldn't change it for the world! The best relationship you can have in my view. All sharing the same upbringing

My side of the family no favourtism jist slightly slack parenting to all of us 🥴in my husbands family horrendous favouritism towards the youngest sibling, a much longed for girl and it has hugely impacted the interrelationships to the point where one son is now NC…

Avoid typecasting them.

You probably will do it! Fight it, and please make absolutely sure to praise their personal qualities & talents, rather than their performance as big sister or sensitivity as the youngest, etc. When other adults label one child as "the brainy one", another the "artistic one", correct them. It may be true, but all children have multiple abilities.

Your biggest challenge will be teaching them to take turns fairly 😂

spend quality 1:1 time daily with each child. Hold them in positive regard and listen well. This will take away some competitiveness between siblings

That it got really tiring that no matter what the issue (and of course there are issues between any siblings) I always got told "You're older, you should know better" - even when my younger sibling got to be older than when I first had that said to me, and should also have known better.

That siblings, and particularly same sex siblings close in age, are sometimes very different people with very different personalities, abilities, interests etc etc. Just because they are less than 2 years apart, they may not always be close because they may not have much in common.
This can be a very difficult thing for parents to understand, particularly if they were always very close to their own siblings.

Sorry but I think a lot of the advice on this thread is absolute tosh. Is this more crap for parents to have to navigate.... quality time with each one every day and going to ridiculous lengths to ensure each child is valued entirely equally blah blah...why are we making something as common as having a sibling into such an absolute drama? I absolutely hate the word snowflake but honestly what an absolute snowflake generation we're raising.

There's a really great book called Siblings Without Rivalry - wish I'd found that earlier (and my parents had too!)

Don't worry if they fight every now and then as they hopefully they will grow up great pals. This is how it was with me and my siblings.
Also when they are grown up don't carry gossip from one family to another. My dm had a large family but if l told her anything...not even saying in confidence she would never pass it on to one of my siblings. We all appreciated that as it could have become a hive of gossip.
It's fantastic having siblings.

I don't think there's too much to it. The main thing is don't compare, don't play off against one another. Also you can't control if they will get along or not, and don't feel you did something wrong if they aren't best mates or even hate each other's guts. Sometimes siblings just don't get along, although in most cases they will at least get along well enough.