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Original poster

How to get back together after marriage split?

34 replies

Lemontee · 13/08/2023 21:33

I asked my husband to leave a year ago because we were little more than housemates and I wanted so much more. Love, affection, intimacy, laughter means so much to me. We couldn't discuss anything because he was so closed off and I found he could swing from being a good, equal partner practically to incredibly selfish. Relationship counselling did not work and so we parted ways.

He went to live with his brother, I kept the family home temporarily and we have remained good friends although this has been a little awkward as we've not been able to meet other people as we've still seen a lot of each other and supported each other due to us both lacking family support with the two children (4 and 6). He's been a fairly good coparent overall.

Then, around 9 weeks ago, our friendship began to blossom into a relationship again, however it's been very stop/start. We obviously also have to be mindful of confusing the children so we have been having to sneak around a little as they don't know. I would have expected texts from him when I've not seen him for a couple of days now that we have been getting intimate and cuddly again, but I don't receive anything from him when I've not seen him.

I've spoken to him about this and he has said about needing to be cautious and take our time which I fully understand, but our marriage seemed to drag on with little spark before, this feels a little similar or am I being triggered or expecting too much too soon? Part of me feels we need to throw a bit of passion into this of we're to try again, but it's all cautious "let's see".

I have no idea at what point we're supposed to agree that it's time to try again, how long do we date and wait? How do we date each other with no childcare and all this sneaking around due to the children? He can't really stay over because of confusing them. I have tried communicating with him but he doesn't seem to have any solutions and just says we need to "see how it goes" which just feels all very half hearted all over again. He is however talking as if we are going to be back together again at some point. He is talking about a house extension and a family holiday next year.

His communication is awful. Relationship counselling didn't help his communication last time, if anything, he shut down more, so that's not really an option for us. We tried several counsellors too.

I think things have improved though. He seems more mindful than before, less stubborn and rigid and I'm trying to be more tolerant of his quirks. We are having sex more than we used to, but it's still only once a fortnight whereas I'd like it twice a week. I know I have to compromise but how much?

Talking to him is impossible, his answer to all these questions is "I don't know."

Any advice?

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/08/2023 21:42

It sounds like you’re doing all the compromising.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/08/2023 21:44

Don't do it. He's thinks he's more or less got round you now, which will take you back to square one.

Caprisunny · 13/08/2023 21:46

Why would you even consider it?

Janieforever · 13/08/2023 21:47

Sounds like you’re doing all the chasing. He’s trying to be cautious. What gives, why are you so keen to get back with him properly?

Janieforever · 13/08/2023 21:49

I know I have to compromise but how much?

why do you need to compromise, to get him back?

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2023 21:53

Doesn't sound like anything has changed, and the fact that he still won't even have real conversations with you about your relationship speaks volumes. I think the little scraps he's throwing your way are all about what's best for him. He wants his easy life back and to live in the house.

Stop being his doormat.

Original poster
Lemontee · 13/08/2023 22:06

I imagined posters would tell me I just needed to slow down a bit and give it time. I wasn't expecting these responses. 🤦‍♀️

Emotional "Scraps" yes it kinda does feel like that @Aquamarine1029 😕.

He is being very non-commital which isn't much different than before really. Playing it "safe" is his life mantra I'd probably say. I don't feel particularly loved or cherished, than again part of me questions if I deserve his cautiousness given that I kicked him out in the first place.

@Caprisunny I guess because we get on so well and we're still each other's biggest support.

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 13/08/2023 22:58

Lemontee · 13/08/2023 22:06

I imagined posters would tell me I just needed to slow down a bit and give it time. I wasn't expecting these responses. 🤦‍♀️

Emotional "Scraps" yes it kinda does feel like that @Aquamarine1029 😕.

He is being very non-commital which isn't much different than before really. Playing it "safe" is his life mantra I'd probably say. I don't feel particularly loved or cherished, than again part of me questions if I deserve his cautiousness given that I kicked him out in the first place.

@Caprisunny I guess because we get on so well and we're still each other's biggest support.

You don’t get on well as a couple.

Re-read what you have written. All that will happen is that you will be back where you were just before you split up.

Stay split up. Be friends and coparent a but move on.

Seek to build a support network. It’s not healthy to only have one person. That’s why you can’t move on and are thinking of going back. Even though you know you will be miserable.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/08/2023 23:00

You’re a fool to get back with him, but I don’t think you will be told.

I genuinely don’t mean this unkindly Flowers

Deb28777 · 13/08/2023 23:04

This isn’t going to work realistically. He shuts down counselling and talking so what is going to be solved ?

Sneaking around sex is more exciting than living together sex too so that may dry up again it it becomes official.

Fishpieandchips · 13/08/2023 23:09

Dont let somebody back in to destroy you.

Fourhorses · 13/08/2023 23:14

Following, could almost have written the same post.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 13/08/2023 23:23

I have tried communicating with him but he doesn't seem to have any solutions and just says we need to "see how it goes" which just feels all very half hearted all over again.

In the words of Phoebe Buffay, ‘what beautiful, lukewarm sentiment’.

Acornsoup · 13/08/2023 23:30

Nothing has changed. It will be the same. You are doing all the work.

continentallentil · 13/08/2023 23:49

It’s just a dead cat bounce OP.

It’ll wear off. He possibly knows that.

Don’t go messing everyone about, just keep on moving on. And find someone else to shag.

donkra · 14/08/2023 07:01

It sounds like it used to not work and it still doesn't work. You're not exactly in bliss, are you?

Stay split up and be friends. Trying again will just leave you back in the same place but with everyone more damaged and angry.

Original poster
Lemontee · 14/08/2023 20:24

Far from bliss. The whole thing is just making me anxious. How long do we wait? Should I try harder? Should he be trying harder? Why hasn't he text me today? He hasn't touched me at all in a few days, is this just a practical arrangement? He hasn't said he loves me again yet... does he love me?

Then I wonder if it's my fault for being so anxiously attached and question if I should just chill out and "see how it goes" as he says.

He's also adamant after speaking to his friends that other married couples don't have "sit down couple chats" so he thinks we shouldn't need them either.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 20:28

Op, just stop. Your marriage is over. Let it be over. Nothing has changed and he is never going to give you what you need. He doesn't have to agree with your need to end the marriage.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 14/08/2023 20:32

Aquamarine1029 · 14/08/2023 20:28

Op, just stop. Your marriage is over. Let it be over. Nothing has changed and he is never going to give you what you need. He doesn't have to agree with your need to end the marriage.

This with bells on!

its a dead horse OP stop trying to flog it

you’ve done the really hard bit by splitting in the first place. Don’t go back, it’s quite obvious nothing has changed.

Cantrushart · 14/08/2023 20:36

Big surprise, he's not giving you what you need. Why did you divorce again?

milkyway1 · 14/08/2023 20:40

I've bounced back with most of my ex's, it always ends for exactly the same reason I finished with them in the first place.
Although I'm gonna try and remember the 'dead cat bounce' as mentioned, as it is always just temporary.
Sex can distort my true feelings (good old oxytocin!) and just drags the whole thing out much longer, so don't have sex with him.
I end up hating my ex's even more, but I don't have children, so I would concentrate on keeping the Co-parenting relationship good cos that is permanent hopefully

CrazyArmadilloLady · 14/08/2023 20:40

Lemontee · 14/08/2023 20:24

Far from bliss. The whole thing is just making me anxious. How long do we wait? Should I try harder? Should he be trying harder? Why hasn't he text me today? He hasn't touched me at all in a few days, is this just a practical arrangement? He hasn't said he loves me again yet... does he love me?

Then I wonder if it's my fault for being so anxiously attached and question if I should just chill out and "see how it goes" as he says.

He's also adamant after speaking to his friends that other married couples don't have "sit down couple chats" so he thinks we shouldn't need them either.

Come on then! As I said upthread, you won’t listen to anyone else.

Fair enough - you need to make the mistake yourself, in order to understand what we’re all saying.

For the sake of your kids though, do keep it a secret so that when it implodes, it doesn’t impact on them for a second time.

Shapemyeyebrows · 14/08/2023 22:02

@Lemontee Sorry but I agree with the comment above that you are flogging a dead horse here. It’s natural when you have kids and are still heavily involved in each others lives to blur the lines and sleep together now and then. But the reality is that you didn’t work as a relationship and you STILL don’t work as a relationship. The same issues are there and you aren’t feeling happy and content about him. If he genuinely wanted to get back together he would have learnt from his past mistakes and be wanting to 100% commit to you and move forward. To compare, this happened with my friend where she split with her husband for around 8 months. They decided they wanted to get back together but before they did they sat down and had long conversations about where they went wrong, what steps they were going to take, how they were going to play it etc. He messaged her every day and was at the house everyday but he didn’t stay over at first so not to confuse the kids. He was coming round the house helping, doing jobs, being with her and the kids, he bought her flowers every week, he would message her good morning and goodnight without fail. And then gradually he started staying over a few nights a week until eventually he was moved back in. That to me is a man wanting to start a fresh and who was committed to getting back together. I’m sorry to say but your ex sounds like he’s not sure what he wants but is happy to take the benefits in the meantime. It definitely sounds like you are way more invested in the idea of getting back together.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 14/08/2023 22:09

Lemontee · 14/08/2023 20:24

Far from bliss. The whole thing is just making me anxious. How long do we wait? Should I try harder? Should he be trying harder? Why hasn't he text me today? He hasn't touched me at all in a few days, is this just a practical arrangement? He hasn't said he loves me again yet... does he love me?

Then I wonder if it's my fault for being so anxiously attached and question if I should just chill out and "see how it goes" as he says.

He's also adamant after speaking to his friends that other married couples don't have "sit down couple chats" so he thinks we shouldn't need them either.

"Should" according to whom? All relationships are different.

This sounds dead; cynic in me says he just wants sex without the faff of dating. Nothing really has changed.

Why keep tying yourself in knots over him? Can you access any counseling for just you?

Stratocumulus · 14/08/2023 22:20

In my experience …
Leopards don’t change their spots & you can’t flog a dead horse.

If you are sleeping together perhaps he’s using you but also keeping you at arms length?

Is it really worth this mind fuck? Really?