How to get back together after marriage split?

[Lemontee]

I asked my husband to leave a year ago because we were little more than housemates and I wanted so much more. Love, affection, intimacy, laughter means so much to me. We couldn't discuss anything because he was so closed off and I found he could swing from being a good, equal partner practically to incredibly selfish. Relationship counselling did not work and so we parted ways.

He went to live with his brother, I kept the family home temporarily and we have remained good friends although this has been a little awkward as we've not been able to meet other people as we've still seen a lot of each other and supported each other due to us both lacking family support with the two children (4 and 6). He's been a fairly good coparent overall.

Then, around 9 weeks ago, our friendship began to blossom into a relationship again, however it's been very stop/start. We obviously also have to be mindful of confusing the children so we have been having to sneak around a little as they don't know. I would have expected texts from him when I've not seen him for a couple of days now that we have been getting intimate and cuddly again, but I don't receive anything from him when I've not seen him.

I've spoken to him about this and he has said about needing to be cautious and take our time which I fully understand, but our marriage seemed to drag on with little spark before, this feels a little similar or am I being triggered or expecting too much too soon? Part of me feels we need to throw a bit of passion into this of we're to try again, but it's all cautious "let's see".

I have no idea at what point we're supposed to agree that it's time to try again, how long do we date and wait? How do we date each other with no childcare and all this sneaking around due to the children? He can't really stay over because of confusing them. I have tried communicating with him but he doesn't seem to have any solutions and just says we need to "see how it goes" which just feels all very half hearted all over again. He is however talking as if we are going to be back together again at some point. He is talking about a house extension and a family holiday next year.

His communication is awful. Relationship counselling didn't help his communication last time, if anything, he shut down more, so that's not really an option for us. We tried several counsellors too.

I think things have improved though. He seems more mindful than before, less stubborn and rigid and I'm trying to be more tolerant of his quirks. We are having sex more than we used to, but it's still only once a fortnight whereas I'd like it twice a week. I know I have to compromise but how much?

Talking to him is impossible, his answer to all these questions is "I don't know."

Any advice?

He's doing lots of the practical stuff too @Shapemyeyebrows. He's been really helpful these last few weeks. He's running errands, has done my shopping, walked my dog, helped me clean after I slipped and hurt my leg. He's been fantastic from a practical point of view. But definitely no flowers. Romance is dead.

I'm in a similar spot with my ex husband, although he never moved out. We have been "trying again" for just over a month. Nothing has changed. His behaviour patterns are still there. As is the resentment.

As hard as it is, I want to remain friends but we need separate lives.
I've told him this tonight.
Op, it is so hard, but you've done this once (the spilt I mean). You can do it again 💪🏻

@Lemontee I think what you are feeling now reflects what the situation is. Right now he’s giving the practical stuff, he’s being a co-parent and he’s giving you sex. But it sounds like the emotional-relationship-romance side isn’t quite there. My friend and her husband who got back together communicated like never before, she said that was key in them getting back together. They spoke about every issue openly and most importantly he made her feel loved and wanted. I don’t think it will work if one of you is half hearted about it. If you don’t feel he’s 100% on board thats probably because he’s not. It’s up to you how long you want to wait it out but just try not to make the mistake of clinging onto something that’s no longer there, causing your co-parenting relationship to break down. Sometimes its better to recognise you are better off as great friends and co-parents and move on with your lives rather than remain in a state of anxiety because deep down you know things aren’t right.

If this is not his normal behaviour do t buy into it. It is not sustainable, people don't change. For whatever reason he wants back in, familiarity, ease, finance - the fact there is no emotional connection or romance should be ringing alarm bells. You deserve better.

Agree with this. It's clear you need to stop this nonsense. He's using you as a quick and familiar shag once a fortnight or so. Time to move on, and simply work on amicably co-parenting.

It's so hard @Thewildthingsliveatmyhouse . Are you able to live separately? That's one of the benefits for me, not having to be in the same space as him on a day to day basis anymore.

He wants to slide back into his easy set up with his effortless once a fortnight leg over. He's putting as much effort into reconciliation as he did and will into relationship itself, which is the bare minimum.

Get back together if you want another ride round on the same track but you'll find yourself back where you were when he left the first time, without doubt. He's not even pretending to be interested!

Back your own decision and get a professional dog walker. He's not the husband you want him to be, don't set him up for a life of not being good enough and you for a life of disappointment. Focus on developing and maintaining a great co-parenting relationship instead and accept what is.

It seems as if nothing has changed. You wrote something about him not communicating and this is because you have to be careful.. how are regular flirty texts a cause for concern? Your children are not likely to read them. Surely the risk is sneaking around? I would not re kindle OP. Keep it amicable for yiu all but primarily your children.

Op, you separated for a reason and nothing has happened/been done to make that reason disappear.

If you get on well and are good support for each other then keep hold of that and use it to be the best co-parents you can be. Your dc would rather have 2 parents separated but respectful of each other than an on/off relationship that ends up with you hating each other.

You have been drawn back to each other because it's what you know. It's familiar, he's the only other person who will love your dc like you do, you have shared history...I know this because I am divorced. I get on well with my ex and sometimes I have wondered what if but the sensible part of me knows that as much history as we have, we separated for a reason and wanting things to work isn't enough. Our dc benefit from us getting on well and that's the most important thing. Let each other go and potentially find someone who meets you where you are at now, not where you were when you met your ex.