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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family

29 replies

Allwork · 13/08/2023 18:22

Sorry I'm gonna have a rant .
Hubby ok yesterday happy etc today was ok I'm morning then went out take dog for a walk came back and started being horrid . I'm like what happened to you whilst out 🤷🏽‍♀️. Ended in argument me blaming him him blaming me etc etc every weekend it's the same stupid silly arguments . He seems so ratty and I feel I'm walking on eggshells around him .
Planned to go upto mums with DD age 27 after she had done her 4 hour shift 12-4. She's come in gone straight to bed saying she's tired and not going to visit my mum . She treats the house like a bloody hotel doesn't work full time and sleeps everyday when she comes home .
Last night I stayed up waiting for her to get home and at 230 went to fetch her from a friends house . I worry about her getting taxis on her own . This makes me so mad as I'm tired too today but will make the effort to see my mum she just cba and lives for going to sleep .
What with miserable bastard hubby and selfish DD I feel proper pissed off . Am I being unreasonable 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Henryhover · 13/08/2023 18:28

I think both of them ABU! I don't understand the quick change in mood swings, I'd tell him to get to bed 🤣 but your daughter being 27 and only working part time? 🫣

usedtobeasizeten · 13/08/2023 18:33

YANBU

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 18:35

She had a 20 hour contract but picks up a few more hours so averages 30 a week . She has no interest in looking for another job and bettering herself but I know why as she's on a cushy number at home isn't she . I feel like weve failed at raising her and it will be like this forever .

OP posts:
ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 18:43

Maybe after a nap she'll want to come visit grandma with you?

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 18:45

ChrisPPancake · 13/08/2023 18:43

Maybe after a nap she'll want to come visit grandma with you?

It's never just a nap sadly ... she will most probably be there now until 11/12pm . It's normal most nights

OP posts:
GoodChat · 13/08/2023 18:53

Has she asked you to wait for her?

What was the argument with him about?

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 19:01

GoodChat · 13/08/2023 18:53

Has she asked you to wait for her?

What was the argument with him about?

No she just said I'm not going visiting I'm tired and off she went .
The row with him was over he said I told him to go to the toilet ... let me explain
We decided to go into town ... he took the dog a quick walk whilst I did my hair and m/ up . When he came home he sat having a cuppa and said I think I need the loo in a min . After about 15 mins I said to him are you going to the loo cus we need to get going as it was 1pm and the shops close early on Sunday .
He shouted at me saying " don't tell me when to go to the loo "
I categorically didn't TELL him at all it wasn't like that . He just turned on me as if looking for a row .
I can't believe I'm writing this it sounds too pathetic for words .
He has like mood changes especially at weekends

OP posts:
Dery · 13/08/2023 19:04

This sounds tough. You don’t have to collect your daughter, though. At 27, she can get taxis on her own. If she didn’t live at home, that’s what she’d be doing. She’s quite a long way into adulthood. You need to let go enough for her to get taxis.

GoodChat · 13/08/2023 19:08

Sorry @Allwork I meant did she ask for you to wait for her to finish work.

He sounds like an arse.

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 19:11

GoodChat · 13/08/2023 19:08

Sorry @Allwork I meant did she ask for you to wait for her to finish work.

He sounds like an arse.

No she didn't

OP posts:
DixonD · 13/08/2023 19:11

Why are you waiting up for your 27 year old? She’s old enough to get a taxi by herself.

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 19:12

Dery · 13/08/2023 19:04

This sounds tough. You don’t have to collect your daughter, though. At 27, she can get taxis on her own. If she didn’t live at home, that’s what she’d be doing. She’s quite a long way into adulthood. You need to let go enough for her to get taxis.

I know I don't .. I can't sleep when she's out on the town it's the way I am I worry constantly so I think I'm awake I may as well fetch her . In essence I'm making a rod for my own back though aren't I

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 19:15

You are enabling your DD to continue to work this job. I bet if she paid for taxis herself she’d be inspired to look elsewhere. She’s 27. Charge her board. Give her a list of expectations if she wishes to stay at your home. Don’t do her laundry or meals and don’t clean up for her.
He’s rude. I’m thinking same rules above.

Trianglesandcircles1 · 13/08/2023 19:43

When you say "we decided to go into town" - how was that decided? Because it sounds like he didn't really want to go. If you wanted to go, perhaps you could have just gone by yourself?

Find your own life, so that you don't need to wait for DH, and you don't over-worry about DD.

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 20:22

Trianglesandcircles1 · 13/08/2023 19:43

When you say "we decided to go into town" - how was that decided? Because it sounds like he didn't really want to go. If you wanted to go, perhaps you could have just gone by yourself?

Find your own life, so that you don't need to wait for DH, and you don't over-worry about DD.

I said the same which he flatly denied ... he hasn't been shopping in town for years so I was shocked when he said he will go at first ... we are going abroad in 4 weeks hence the shopping trip .. it was a mutual decision

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 20:28

Fraaahnces · 13/08/2023 19:15

You are enabling your DD to continue to work this job. I bet if she paid for taxis herself she’d be inspired to look elsewhere. She’s 27. Charge her board. Give her a list of expectations if she wishes to stay at your home. Don’t do her laundry or meals and don’t clean up for her.
He’s rude. I’m thinking same rules above.

She does already pay board ... I agree whilst she's living this way she has no intention of changing jobs however I can't MAKE her look for an alternative .. I'm retired and I think both of them believe I should do everything in the home .
I remember when I retired my mum actually said " you should wait on DH now all the time " WTAF

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 13/08/2023 20:31

At 27 your daughter should be living in her own place but, as a minimum, she can get taxis. Why are you still mollycoddling her like an 8 year old? Perhaps it's not surprising there are tensions, because you allow her to trample all over you. Time she few up!

Hbh17 · 13/08/2023 20:33

"grew up"!

LifeExperience · 13/08/2023 20:43

You wait up for a 27 year old adult, and you're afraid of her taking taxis?! No wonder she exerts less-than-minimum effort at life!

Cut the apron strings, mum! My daughter is 26, finished with her education, lives in a rented house with roommates, pays all her bills, and goes wherever she wants whenever she wants however she wants, and she has since she left home at 20. Because she's an adult.

You need to sit your daughter down, yesterday, and tell her she must work a full-time job and start putting money away so she can get her own place in a few months. This is no way for you, or her, to live. Time for some tough love. Past time.

Soonenough · 13/08/2023 20:50

DH needs to remember who he is speaking to when he gets arsey . You facilitate his life . As regards your DD , yes it is up to you to teach her how you expect her to treat you. You are enabling her to lead a teenage lifestyle . At 27 . You are not doing her any favours as she is not learning how to navigate the adult world.

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 21:06

LifeExperience · 13/08/2023 20:43

You wait up for a 27 year old adult, and you're afraid of her taking taxis?! No wonder she exerts less-than-minimum effort at life!

Cut the apron strings, mum! My daughter is 26, finished with her education, lives in a rented house with roommates, pays all her bills, and goes wherever she wants whenever she wants however she wants, and she has since she left home at 20. Because she's an adult.

You need to sit your daughter down, yesterday, and tell her she must work a full-time job and start putting money away so she can get her own place in a few months. This is no way for you, or her, to live. Time for some tough love. Past time.

I'm very pleased for you and your daughter.... I can assure you we have had the convo about working full time MANY times however how do you MAKE someone get a full time job . It's not like they are in abundance is it . Not everyone goes to uni and gets degrees etc my DD has always worked from leaving school and uni she did a pt job . I'm not making excuses in any way shape or form but you make it sound so EASY . How can she get her own place on min wage ?? She has friends but no friends to rent with .
Nothing would make me happier than for her to get her own place I can assure you but it's really not that easy

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 21:08

Soonenough · 13/08/2023 20:50

DH needs to remember who he is speaking to when he gets arsey . You facilitate his life . As regards your DD , yes it is up to you to teach her how you expect her to treat you. You are enabling her to lead a teenage lifestyle . At 27 . You are not doing her any favours as she is not learning how to navigate the adult world.

How do I facilitate his life ? I don't just put up with his crap I retaliate which causes the rows .
Yes I'm aware the DD situ isn't perfect and I agree I'm some ways I'm not helping

OP posts:
Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 21:10

Hbh17 · 13/08/2023 20:31

At 27 your daughter should be living in her own place but, as a minimum, she can get taxis. Why are you still mollycoddling her like an 8 year old? Perhaps it's not surprising there are tensions, because you allow her to trample all over you. Time she few up!

So your saying the fact I pick DD up from a night out is causing tension with hubby and making him moody ? He does it too it's not just me

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 21:21

She's 27!!! She should work FT, organise her own cab home - and in fact she should be living in her own home!

As for the grumpy h, divorce?

Original poster
Allwork · 13/08/2023 21:31

Thelonelygiraffe · 13/08/2023 21:21

She's 27!!! She should work FT, organise her own cab home - and in fact she should be living in her own home!

As for the grumpy h, divorce?

So please tell me how do I MAKE this happen apart from the taxi home 🤷🏽‍♀️

OP posts: