Boyfriends mum terminally ill-worried about our relationship

[Newuserbekind]

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we live together and care for his child from another relationship.

So for the last 5 months since his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer my boyfriend has withdrawn and isolated himself, doesn't show any affection or be physical which is fine, this has meant our relationship has changed significantly, which I would expect it too. Over the past few weeks she has deteriorated with the cancer spreading and moved into a hospice in palative care. I cannot imagine what he is going through and I know im not even going through half of what he is, I don't want anyone to think I am selfish, I go and see her with him, I text her daily and ask about her daily.

Today he said our relationship isn't great at the minute to which I reiterated his life is going through unimaginable change and I wouldn't expect our relationship to be how it was prior. He said he didn't know if it was just that or if it even was that, I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no and I asked if he still loved me and he said yes. I don't know what to do as I don't want to lose him, it feels like he's hitting a self destruct button at the minute because of his mum. I don't know what to do and I feel so heartbroken that I may lose him. Has anyone been in this situation that can help?

I'mm so scared of losing him. I do things to help such as make sure there's food for us in the house and keep the house tidy etc. I know it's not about me. I just worry there's something that I could've done. How can a relationship survive this?

I'd like to add we are both early 30's.

This is the "worst" part if she is now in palliative care, likely she has weeks, if not days, left - it will be a very difficult time for him. Don't make this time about your relationship, it'll be the last thing he needs and he wont thank you for it. You will likely find he improves once she has passed and you can start to work on your relationship.

It just feels so strange in our home at the minute it's like we are just flatmates and it's in silence. I never know if what I'm doing is the right thing.

I was widowed suddenly but a lot of women I met in a support group had partners who died of illness, many described how the grieving started before the death. Grieving is hard work, it’s exhausting and has physical as well as mental effects.
You are doing everything you can to support your DP and his mum. You can ask the hospice to point you in the direction of support ( they usually have their own counsellors) or contact Sue Ryder who do a lot in grief counselling.

It’s not easy supporting someone who is dealing with the imminent death of a loved one, you’re doing all you can. Relationships do survive but it’ll be rocky for a while, I was a nightmare after my DH died I’m sure. Talk to some professionals, it will help.

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-kind-campaign-page?gclid=CjwKCAjw_uGmBhBREiwAeOfsdyLvXV6h-5ciBHcfE_gKD0tWLbOE09ty4t2oqkFBow8A6sU80azdSBoCyuwQAvD_BwE

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

I am so sorry for your loss ♥️

I mean once she has passed and he has processed her death of course, not as soon as she's gone. I definitely wouldn't be asking him if her wants to break up at the moment, he may not give you the answer you want, so it sounds like you're fishing for reassurance. Just be there for him (or not) as he needs, hopefully you will come out the other and and be stronger.

I think it's normal for it not to feel normal, iyswim. I have been in his position so I'm speaking from the other side. It's very likely his behaviour is not about you, id give him space if he needs it but let him know you are there for him if he wants that too. Focus on your relationship later.

He has so much going on in his mind at the moment. My DH, when stressed, just shuts down. Barely speaks or anything. It's taken me a lot of time to be aware that this isn't about me. It's just him dealing with it in his own way, and it's not about our relationship. Don't make this about you, don't ask him about breaking up or anything as he's already processing enough. Just keep reiterating that you're there for him, and be as supportive as you can.

I have also been in his position.

Our 2 children were 5 and 7 so still of an age to need an adult around to do things and take them places etc. DH took over a lot of the childcare at weekends so I could visit my mum.

I think dealing with a lot of the practicalities, as you are doing, is very helpful. Hard as it is when he’s making such comments, don’t make it about your relationship. He doesn’t have the bandwidth for that at the moment and he will resent needing to reassure you when he’s going through such grief (in these circumstances, the grief starts before the death and continues after).

He is going through a very hard time just now. I think the best thing for you, is to be there for him, and put any concerns about the relationship on the back burner. There will be plenty of time to discuss it after his mother has passed.
He will need all the support you can give him. It's hard for you too, of course.

You know this doesn't entitle him to be an arsehole towards you yes?

Both my mum and my dad died within 8 weeks of each other a few years back. My mum was everything to me.

I didn't treat my husband and kids any differently. Yes I needed support etc etc and yes I was upset but he's making a choice here to create an atmosphere and make you feel shit

From what you post, I'd be reconsidering the relationship at some point in the future

I think I was wanting some reassurance, it just feels so hard after all this time when we were so different and he's there, but not there if that makes sense. Although I'm in pain I know his is immeasurable.

He will be there but not there. I’m sure I was the same. The grief is immense and this might be the first time he has experienced it.

@Dery it is I just feel helpless. I know it's not his fault and he doesn't mean it.

@Newuserbekind - yes, it’s horrible all round. Really sorry you and he are going through this.

He’s loosing the woman who birthed him, brought him up and loved him like no other. You’ve got to make this about them and not you. You need to be there be strong and make it about him. You need to give him time to grieve and feel all the feelings the pain the anger the hurt because that’ll all be coming. Id be telling you to push for answers if his poor mum wasn’t dying but she is and now is the time for that and not you. Do take a backseat support them and just wait it out until the inevitable happens and he processes it all or or walk away if you can’t handle it

@Dery is it a normal reaction? To block off your partner?

For some people yes! I go "into myself" when I'm struggling, whereas other people reach out for support, this is probably just his way of dealing with a really awful situation.

I know you want reassurance but I have to be blunt and say the last thing he needs right now is a partner coming across as needy and making this about you.

This is a major event in his life, he will remember how you respond and it you make it harder for him (even inadvertently) you risk pushing his away.

As I said before if she's gone to palliative care, she may only have days left, he is relatively young to lose his mother and he will likely be feeling incredible pain and stress right now, of course he's "not there", do not make this about you right now.

Put your feelings aside, just for now, to support him, even if that means giving him space, and rebuild your relationship when she has passed.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a normal reaction or not.
Its HIS reaction and where he is just atm.

Carry in with supporting him practically and emotionally. Ask him what could be helpful to him.

If he brings your relationship again, dint engage. I’d tell him that now is not the time to think or reassess or wonder about how good or bad your relationship is. That it’s something for later. Whatever is bothering g him, his head will be all over the place and he isn’t in the right frame if mind to think about any of this (I also suspect he’ll have a very different pov or wonder what the heck came to his mind in a few weeks time)

@ReadySteadyGoNow like he's suggesting he stays at his parents as he needs space and as much as I'd like him to stay at our home, do I encourage that if he does or try and allow him to stay with me?

Thank you, @catsnhats11 o do appreciate your responses as I don't feel at the minute I have anyone to speak too so forums such as these are really helping my own well-being. He wants space and suggested staying at his parents for the night the other night but ended up coming back home which I supported whichever he did. I just feel helpless as I don't feel like I do a lot.

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing then. You're bound to feel helpless, because you can stop her dying and you cant stop his pain.

Just give him space if he needs it and be there if he needs you.

Also yes it is hard on you too, so if you have a wobble or need a cry, see a friend or someone in your family so you can get some support without adding to his burden.