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Original poster

Boyfriends mum terminally ill-worried about our relationship

48 replies

Newuserbekind · 13/08/2023 13:48

I have been with my partner for 5 years now and we live together and care for his child from another relationship.

So for the last 5 months since his mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer my boyfriend has withdrawn and isolated himself, doesn't show any affection or be physical which is fine, this has meant our relationship has changed significantly, which I would expect it too. Over the past few weeks she has deteriorated with the cancer spreading and moved into a hospice in palative care. I cannot imagine what he is going through and I know im not even going through half of what he is, I don't want anyone to think I am selfish, I go and see her with him, I text her daily and ask about her daily.

Today he said our relationship isn't great at the minute to which I reiterated his life is going through unimaginable change and I wouldn't expect our relationship to be how it was prior. He said he didn't know if it was just that or if it even was that, I asked if he wanted to break up and he said no and I asked if he still loved me and he said yes. I don't know what to do as I don't want to lose him, it feels like he's hitting a self destruct button at the minute because of his mum. I don't know what to do and I feel so heartbroken that I may lose him. Has anyone been in this situation that can help?

I'mm so scared of losing him. I do things to help such as make sure there's food for us in the house and keep the house tidy etc. I know it's not about me. I just worry there's something that I could've done. How can a relationship survive this?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 13/08/2023 19:57

He’s going through so much right now. He feels like his world is spiralling and he’s scared of what he’s losing.

He loves you but he will be upset and be unsure of what he wants. He’s not self destructing but already grieving and will be lost.

Explain that you love him, you are there for him and always will be. Tell him you know things are hard but no matter what, he has you there and you are his rock. If he wants to stay at his parents house then suggest going together, maybe he wants to just be ‘at home’ if he wants space for a night then it might be for the best and he might just want to be upset in peace.

This is such a hard part. He knows what’s coming and can’t do anything to stop it. He’s already hurting but k it’s it’s going to get worse. All you can do is remind him you love him and be there for him.

MillWood85 · 13/08/2023 20:04

I lost my Dad to cancer earlier this year and I'm still reeling to be honest. He was unwell for 5 months before death, and my entire life went on hold apart from being with him/advocating for his care. Had DH had a chat to me about our relationship during that time, I think I honestly would have killed him.

Losing a parent is horrible and shakes you to your very foundations. Please just be there in however way he needs - keep on top of things like shopping, insurance, car MOT etc, domestic necessities. He may not thank you right now but he'll appreciate it when he comes out the other side.

I honestly have days where I just don't know who I am anymore without my Dad here.

AcclimDD · 13/08/2023 20:11

I agree with you @MillWood85 but it isn't the OP who's had about the relationship, it's her DP.

LifeExperience · 13/08/2023 20:12

If you really love this man, please do not make his mother's death about you. "Seeking reassurance" is out of line at this time. He doesn't have anything to give you right now. Back off and give him space and time to mourn.

Dery · 13/08/2023 20:30

@Newuserbekind - yes, it’s normal to want space and want to stay at his parents’s house. Not everyone would want to do that but many would. I did. He’s not just grieving and in great pain. He’s likely scared of what’s ahead. I know I was. I didn’t need or want emotional support from anyone. I needed space to be able to deal with what I was feeling. By worrying about your relationship, you’re making this about you. You need to not do that right now.

AuntyMabelandPippin · 13/08/2023 20:47

Honestly? Just hug him, every chance you get. He's already grieving. Give him space to go to and from the Hospice, but just be there when he needs you.

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 20:50

I think this has made him realise life is short and that perhaps you aren’t the right partner for him or he’s not getting what he wants out of the relationship. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, it’s natural, but it is shit for you. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row financially in case he does decide to leave.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 13/08/2023 21:01

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 20:50

I think this has made him realise life is short and that perhaps you aren’t the right partner for him or he’s not getting what he wants out of the relationship. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, it’s natural, but it is shit for you. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row financially in case he does decide to leave.

I think that's a bit much, he's just overwhelmed and grieving. Unable to do any more than just put one foot in front of the other

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 13/08/2023 22:48

Wenfy · 13/08/2023 20:50

I think this has made him realise life is short and that perhaps you aren’t the right partner for him or he’s not getting what he wants out of the relationship. Nothing necessarily wrong with that, it’s natural, but it is shit for you. Just make sure you get your ducks in a row financially in case he does decide to leave.

@Wenfy we had been in a wonderful relationship for over 4 years prior, discussing the future and I have a good relationship with his young child, I'm the first person he felt secure enough to go into the contract of a home before.

OP posts:
Buildingthefuture · 14/08/2023 03:37

My DH was very withdrawn and very bloody angry when this happened to his Mum. The entire period of about 9 months from diagnosis to her death was horrendous, my MIL was an amazing woman and DH struggled to cope. I supported him as best I could, which is hard when you can’t actually fix anything, but we came through it. We actually had a big holiday booked (which we had booked a long time before she even became unwell) and that fell a month after she died. That time away gave him time to process what happened and helped bring us back together I think. It’s years ago now and we are still very happily married. All you can do it be there for him, let him do whatever he needs to at this shitty, shitty time and try not to take it personally. I hope it all works out for you.

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 14/08/2023 09:56

Buildingthefuture · 14/08/2023 03:37

My DH was very withdrawn and very bloody angry when this happened to his Mum. The entire period of about 9 months from diagnosis to her death was horrendous, my MIL was an amazing woman and DH struggled to cope. I supported him as best I could, which is hard when you can’t actually fix anything, but we came through it. We actually had a big holiday booked (which we had booked a long time before she even became unwell) and that fell a month after she died. That time away gave him time to process what happened and helped bring us back together I think. It’s years ago now and we are still very happily married. All you can do it be there for him, let him do whatever he needs to at this shitty, shitty time and try not to take it personally. I hope it all works out for you.

@Buildingthefuture That sounds a lot like his mum. We had a holiday booked about a week about but we cancelled it as she was getting worse and the cancer was spreading. I check in with him every morning even though he's either quiet or sometimes a bit snappy, he will sometimes go to different parts of the house when I go into the room after a while but comes back. He doesn't want any cuddles or any kind of affection so I still say love you when he leaves the house and I think I'll just do more little texts in the day to tell him I love him and it might bring us a bit closer without being close physically maybe? He doesn't really come to me to discuss so I never know what to do, sometimes I just do my usual things of sitting beside him and relaxing or going to sort the house etc.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 14/08/2023 10:21

Yes but the original post says that HE is raising the relationship isn’t great, not OP.

Would talk to one of your friends not him right now.

Sit tight, give him space and lots of hugs.

HorsePlatitudes · 14/08/2023 10:27

He’s going through the hardest time of his life: your job is to keep everything secure and balanced for him.

my husband is THE reason I’m ok only 9 months after losing my beloved mum. He of course will be distracted insular and uncommunicative- he’s grieving and it’s an incredibly painful time. Take care of each other❤️

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 14/08/2023 17:33

@HorsePlatitudes thank you. I just find it hard to find the words.

It feels awkward sometimes when we are just quiet together but if I try and speak I just get one word answers.

OP posts:
HorsePlatitudes · 14/08/2023 19:03

Also: I’m very secure and confident and have always been but was suddenly really frightened in case my husband left me, I was quite anxious about that for a couple of months then settled down. There may be some of that as well x

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 10/09/2023 19:26

@catsnhats11 @Dery she passed 2 weeks ago now, which has been quite a whirlwind

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 10/09/2023 19:47

When DH was dying there were days when I couldn't tolerate others near me, my head felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to be on my own, just the act of answering well meaning questions seemed like a mountain I wasn't able to cross. I was the queen of one word answers for a while, I didn't have the headspace to form much more than that. I was later told it's called anticipatory grief and supporting someone through it must be incredibly hard.

Ratfinkstinkypink · 10/09/2023 19:48

I am so sorry, I didn't see your latest post. Sending you all love and strength Flowers

LLInADaze · 10/09/2023 19:54

purplebluediscorain · 13/08/2023 19:10

He’s loosing the woman who birthed him, brought him up and loved him like no other. You’ve got to make this about them and not you. You need to be there be strong and make it about him. You need to give him time to grieve and feel all the feelings the pain the anger the hurt because that’ll all be coming. Id be telling you to push for answers if his poor mum wasn’t dying but she is and now is the time for that and not you. Do take a backseat support them and just wait it out until the inevitable happens and he processes it all or or walk away if you can’t handle it

This 100%

Original poster
Newuserbekind · 10/09/2023 20:03

@purplebluediscorain @Ratfinkstinkypink

It's happened and obviously his mindset and behaviour is the same although there are moments where the old him comes back again in glimpses. The evening/night seems to be the worst time.

OP posts:
PinkiOcelot · 10/09/2023 20:16

TheOwlChronicles · 13/08/2023 15:01

You know this doesn't entitle him to be an arsehole towards you yes?

Both my mum and my dad died within 8 weeks of each other a few years back. My mum was everything to me.

I didn't treat my husband and kids any differently. Yes I needed support etc etc and yes I was upset but he's making a choice here to create an atmosphere and make you feel shit

From what you post, I'd be reconsidering the relationship at some point in the future

This.

I have just lost my lovely mam. She was really ill for the last 18 months and we didn’t have a clue when it was going to happen.

I haven’t treated my DH or dds any different at all. I’m obviously upset and grieving but haven’t caused an atmosphere and no one has had to tiptoe around me.

purplebluediscorain · 10/09/2023 22:58

I do agree with @TheOwlChronicles because for me if I was in his position I’d want my partner and kids closer than ever with all the love in the world shared but I think my child’s dad would and will behave like your partner! I hope you pull through this and it doesn’t take him too long to snap back to the old him although he may never be completely the same again now but still!!

I’m thinking of you anyway z

NoThanksymm · 07/05/2024 13:59

How’s it going?

sounded like hes in a depression, coyotes go off alone to be miserable, some people do too.

still together? It’s soo hard dating a dude with kids because you love the kid, then potentially loose them too!

anyway. Hope all is well.

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