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Original poster

I desperately need advice. Do I plan to leave?

45 replies

Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:21

My husband and I have been together 6 years, and married for almost 2years. We welcomed our baby in June 2023. It’s been the most amazing time getting to know our baby boy, but it’s also been the hardest 9 weeks of my life.

My husband works 5 days a week, plus a Saturday of overtime and 2 additional hours of overtime a day - so by the time he gets in from work it’s 17:30. So all of his extra hours of through choice, yet complains of how tired he is when he gets in from work. My husband sleeps straight through the night (as I do all night feeds) - and will come and unintentionally wake us up in the morning when he leaves for work at 05:00 (if I’m not already awake feeding). He comes in from work around 17:30 and has no conversation/has no interest in what we’ve done all day and clearly does not want to talk - and even gets annoyed when I talk or try to make conversation because he’s trying to watch the TV- or he will use the excuse ‘I’ve been at work all day and I just want to relax’. He wants to sit in silence even when he’s just walked through the door - how is that normal?

He will hold our baby when at home but sit on his phone while doing so. He never plays with our baby, or plays with him on his baby mat etc. He will moan at our baby for crying - he won’t ever consider standing up and rocking him for example. As soon as our baby cries, he hands him back to me using the excuse ‘he’s hungry’. He doesn’t understand our baby’s different cries - or has ever taken the time to. He does very little housework (but will moan when the house is a mess), he leaves his dirty washing everywhere, moans at our baby when he goes through his 2 hours of painful Colic every evening, leaves his rubbish lying around the house, expects to eat his dinner first (when I’ve more than likely not eaten all day), watches what he wants on the TV without fail every single evening - or goes into a miserable state. He is nothing but miserable when around my family, but expects me to be bubbly when around his. There’s always been minimal romance in our relationship- but this is next level now. I don’t even get complimented anymore.

I’m terrified that our son is going to grow up thinking that this is how to treat women!

I’m fully aware that I am being taken fully for granted, but I’ve tried everything to break this cycle, and nothing has worked. I’m so miserable and unhappy and I don’t want it to rub off onto my baby - because we already have the most special of bonds.I feel like a waste of space to be honest.

I feel like I’m at the end of my journey with him. I’ve told him time and time again that I need him to step up with our son to support me more, and to become a husband who I want to be with, but there has never been any effort into showing me he can change. I’ve told him that I am not afraid of leaving him if things don’t improve, but they never have.
What should I do? I can’t go on like this. I am breaking my heart. I love him, and I would hate to uproot our little ones life, but I’m honestly out of ideas at this point.
Help? Advice? Suggestions?

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:28

Just wanted to say I found weeks 6-12 the biggest challenge….partner back to work, lack of sleep, the newborn sleepy phase has ended, you feel isolated.
I recognise a lot of what you describe. I’m not excusing a lot of the bad behaviours you describe in your husband but it is also a massive change he’s going through too.
it will get easier. First thing I can recommend is that he can no longer come and disturb you at 5am, he can get his clothes the night before.
Are you getting out and about during the day?

Neverseenbefore · 12/08/2023 22:33

Why is he working so much? Six days a week, plus two hours of overtime a day? No wonder he’s tired and doesn’t want to communicate. You need to get to the bottom of that. What’s your financial situation like? I’m sure you are both tired and that can’t help things. It’s a big adjustment for him as well as you. Did he want to have a baby?

Original poster
Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:33

I’m doing as much as I can during the day. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family so my days are filled with seeing them, but my time with his is so unenjoyable. It was like this while I was pregnant.
I suffered really badly with sickness, and one night I needed to go to the hospital because I was being sick for 6 hour straight, I was dehydrated and I knew I needed IV fluids and he stood over me screaming and shouting, telling me that I’d do anything for attention and that I love to waste the NHS’s time. (I’m an NHS nurse btw). I ended up blowing several blood vessels in my eye and needing 48 hours of iv fluids.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:35

Financially we are fine. I don’t see any of his money, and he sees none of mine - we are financially independent from each other bar paying our mortgage and bills.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:35

how was your relationship pre baby?

Original poster
Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:36

The same.

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:40

Ok so if you were unhappy pre baby it’s probably a hard ask to be happy post baby. It’s a strain on the best of relationships.
If you’ve already had discussions and he’s shown no effort to change things then maybe it is time to call it a day.
Its a long life ahead of you, you’re partner should support you and bring something to your life. From what you describe you wouldn’t be uprooting your little one as he has a minimal relationship with him

MMmomDD · 12/08/2023 22:41

Presumably - he was always like this - around you and with housework.

But you recently married him and also decided to have a child with him.
Did you think having a child will force him to change and be a better partner to you?

Anyway. He isnt going to change. And this sounds worse than usual male uselessness and confusion about how they can be useful in the early days of babyhood.

In your place - i’d wait a bit as leaving with such tiny baby is hard. Just stay put. Do all you need to do for the baby and you. Do not push yourself to do things for H - and ignore his complaints.

Figure out a plan for you and the baby - where you will stay; is there family/friends to help; how will you support yourself… etc
Then - when the time is right - leave.

HyggeTygge · 12/08/2023 22:44

I do sympathise but really don't advise making any long-term decisions 9 weeks after giving birth. I was all over the place then, things seemed very black and white.

He needs to get his shit together and pull his weight though. Being charitable I assume the baby has been like a bomb in his life too and this is how he is reacting. Things will settle down in a month or so and I'd see how things are then.

I used to detest it when people said "it gets better in x weeks", I'm too impatient, but they are right. Best of luck.

Original poster
Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:44

We were happy before in our own little way, and things definitely weren’t perfect, but they were this bad.
We made time for us, and had we had more fun. Everything just seems to have broken

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:47

Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:33

I’m doing as much as I can during the day. I have wonderful friends and an amazing family so my days are filled with seeing them, but my time with his is so unenjoyable. It was like this while I was pregnant.
I suffered really badly with sickness, and one night I needed to go to the hospital because I was being sick for 6 hour straight, I was dehydrated and I knew I needed IV fluids and he stood over me screaming and shouting, telling me that I’d do anything for attention and that I love to waste the NHS’s time. (I’m an NHS nurse btw). I ended up blowing several blood vessels in my eye and needing 48 hours of iv fluids.

He sounds absolutely awful and you don't deserve this- pregnancy and postpartum are when a woman should be cherished, cared for and showered with love and support, he has and is letting you and your baby down big time.

My ex fiancé started being like this with me during pregnancy. I don't know why this is so often the case- perhaps I wasn't so 'needy' before then so didn't need to ask for help and notice he couldn't do it, maybe I was more emotional, or maybe I was just aware that I did need help and support and so noticed I wasn't getting it from him. It was awful. He ended up shouting at me and storming out on me at 33 weeks, so I have been single since before baby was born. It was absolutely heartbreaking and so sad that he couldn't put more effort into us and working things out but in hindsight and especially when I read posts like yours, I have been SO much better looked after as a single new mum by my family and friends than I ever would have been with him- I think he would have just been like your selfish man. I also had thoughts (in pregnancy) of 'omg my son is going to grow up disrespecting me and thinking it's ok to talk to me like im a moron if nothing changes here.'

Please please confide in close family or friends. I know you won't want to as it will feel disloyal, but you have given him enough chances and you need help.

And to answer your question yes I think you should make a plan to leave - go somewhere where you can get support perhaps your parents (that's what I did) or ask him to move out and move someone else in with you if that's possible. If it's not I think your friends will do a rota of support and tbh he's not much help anyway so he won't miss you.

A final thought- my ex visits my son a couple of times a week and does play with him
When he's here and talk to him cutely etc etc. there's no way he could keep up that level of effort all day all week, but he is able to on his visits- in my view, my son will now grow up with an absent father but one who
He feels adores him and who is at least actually present when he is present, rather than being around but ignoring him, if that makes sense. So I think despite being so heartbroken by my situation it is actually a blessing in some ways for my son and for me being properly supported.

Please keep us updated xx

GiveOverRover · 12/08/2023 22:47

he stood over me screaming and shouting, telling me that I’d do anything for attention

if none of the many other reasons are enough then surely this is? Can you go and stay with friends or family while you work out your next step?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:48

HyggeTygge · 12/08/2023 22:44

I do sympathise but really don't advise making any long-term decisions 9 weeks after giving birth. I was all over the place then, things seemed very black and white.

He needs to get his shit together and pull his weight though. Being charitable I assume the baby has been like a bomb in his life too and this is how he is reacting. Things will settle down in a month or so and I'd see how things are then.

I used to detest it when people said "it gets better in x weeks", I'm too impatient, but they are right. Best of luck.

She doesn't need to divorce him right now, but she can move out and move in with nicer family or ask him to move out as a 'break' and have someone come to stay with her. If he actually does love her and want to commit to making changes that will be a good wake up call for him to take her seriously

SmirnoffIceIsNice · 12/08/2023 22:49

Can't think what possessed you to marry this twat, or have a baby with him, if he was like this before. That ship has sailed though, so going forward....personally I'd call it a day now. He's not going to improve and as your son grows up he'll think this is how men are supposed to behave in relationships.

Life is short OP. Get rid of this waste of space and spend some time working on yourself before looking for the next relationship. Find someone who cherishes you and who has been raised to behave as an equal in a partnership and who has some emotional maturity.

Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:49

As @HyggeTygge says, 9 weeks postpartum is honestly not the best time to be making life changing decisions. It’s ok for you to feel this way and vent/get support. I think most women consider divorce (jesting at best) at some point in the early days !

HyggeTygge · 12/08/2023 22:50

I suffered really badly with sickness, and one night I needed to go to the hospital because I was being sick for 6 hour straight, I was dehydrated and I knew I needed IV fluids and he stood over me screaming and shouting, telling me that I’d do anything for attention and that I love to waste the NHS’s time. (I’m an NHS nurse btw)

Ok I missed this. Was this new upon your pregnancy or were you ok with this beforehand? Beggars belief tbh that you put up with it. He sounds deranged.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:50

GiveOverRover · 12/08/2023 22:47

he stood over me screaming and shouting, telling me that I’d do anything for attention

if none of the many other reasons are enough then surely this is? Can you go and stay with friends or family while you work out your next step?

I agree op xxxx

Hercisback · 12/08/2023 22:53

Your description of him when you were ill is awful. He doesn't sound very nice at all.

I think you need to very seriously consider leaving. Keep a record of his lack of interaction with baby (email it to yourself).

Use this time to get as much financial info as possible so you can get all you need whe person you divorce.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:54

@SmirnoffIceIsNice I was in the same boat as op it can happen to anyone especially as I imagine op, being in a helping position is probably an empath - constantly helping others and not asking for much. He probably love bombed her at the start because he couldn't believe his luck he'd found someone so sweet but when she started needing support back off him he got angry and backed off. It's like the idealise, devalue, discard cycle of being in a relationship with a narcissist. From the outside it's easy to judge but if you're in a relationship like that, even very academically and socially intelligent woman like op and myself can be taken it

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:54

As you're married I would speak with a lawyer for advice before you eg leave the marital home

Original poster
Mummaneeds · 12/08/2023 22:56

This was when I was 16 weeks pregnant

OP posts:
Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:57

You’re going to get a lot of negativity re men on here, and only you truly know your partner.
everything was more fun pre baby because it was just you two and not the pressure of this massive life change.
To be really charitable, I think a lot of men simply don’t know how to handle those first few months. If you’re breast feeding they can’t feed, if they’re working they probably do feel under pressure, and they come home to a tired wife who probably can’t wait to throw a baby at them and perhaps has not much more than to talk about rather than how many poops baby has done today. Newborns aren’t interesting to a lot of people.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 22:58

Pps you are not a waste of space. You sound like an amazing mum and you are all your baby needs, your happiness and mental health is what you need to put first now- if probably is hard for you to do as I imagine you're not used to doing that, but for both you and baby's sake it's essential x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 23:00

Bluesheeps · 12/08/2023 22:57

You’re going to get a lot of negativity re men on here, and only you truly know your partner.
everything was more fun pre baby because it was just you two and not the pressure of this massive life change.
To be really charitable, I think a lot of men simply don’t know how to handle those first few months. If you’re breast feeding they can’t feed, if they’re working they probably do feel under pressure, and they come home to a tired wife who probably can’t wait to throw a baby at them and perhaps has not much more than to talk about rather than how many poops baby has done today. Newborns aren’t interesting to a lot of people.

But it's not just that he's bad with the baby, he is treating her like a housekeeper that he ignores. Yes he might be depressed or something but that's on him to sort out not on op. If he really wants to be in this marriage he will make more of an effort when she shows him
She means business, but op I wouldn't hold my breath

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/08/2023 23:01

Ps op the colic is awful but won't last many more weeks I think it was 10-12 for me

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