I desperately need advice. Do I plan to leave?

[Mummaneeds]

My husband and I have been together 6 years, and married for almost 2years. We welcomed our baby in June 2023. It’s been the most amazing time getting to know our baby boy, but it’s also been the hardest 9 weeks of my life.

My husband works 5 days a week, plus a Saturday of overtime and 2 additional hours of overtime a day - so by the time he gets in from work it’s 17:30. So all of his extra hours of through choice, yet complains of how tired he is when he gets in from work. My husband sleeps straight through the night (as I do all night feeds) - and will come and unintentionally wake us up in the morning when he leaves for work at 05:00 (if I’m not already awake feeding). He comes in from work around 17:30 and has no conversation/has no interest in what we’ve done all day and clearly does not want to talk - and even gets annoyed when I talk or try to make conversation because he’s trying to watch the TV- or he will use the excuse ‘I’ve been at work all day and I just want to relax’. He wants to sit in silence even when he’s just walked through the door - how is that normal?

He will hold our baby when at home but sit on his phone while doing so. He never plays with our baby, or plays with him on his baby mat etc. He will moan at our baby for crying - he won’t ever consider standing up and rocking him for example. As soon as our baby cries, he hands him back to me using the excuse ‘he’s hungry’. He doesn’t understand our baby’s different cries - or has ever taken the time to. He does very little housework (but will moan when the house is a mess), he leaves his dirty washing everywhere, moans at our baby when he goes through his 2 hours of painful Colic every evening, leaves his rubbish lying around the house, expects to eat his dinner first (when I’ve more than likely not eaten all day), watches what he wants on the TV without fail every single evening - or goes into a miserable state. He is nothing but miserable when around my family, but expects me to be bubbly when around his. There’s always been minimal romance in our relationship- but this is next level now. I don’t even get complimented anymore.

I’m terrified that our son is going to grow up thinking that this is how to treat women!

I’m fully aware that I am being taken fully for granted, but I’ve tried everything to break this cycle, and nothing has worked. I’m so miserable and unhappy and I don’t want it to rub off onto my baby - because we already have the most special of bonds.I feel like a waste of space to be honest.

I feel like I’m at the end of my journey with him. I’ve told him time and time again that I need him to step up with our son to support me more, and to become a husband who I want to be with, but there has never been any effort into showing me he can change. I’ve told him that I am not afraid of leaving him if things don’t improve, but they never have.
What should I do? I can’t go on like this. I am breaking my heart. I love him, and I would hate to uproot our little ones life, but I’m honestly out of ideas at this point.
Help? Advice? Suggestions?

Practically, I would ask him to cut the overtime, sort it that he’s not waking you at 5am. Sit him down or write him a letter saying how you feel.
give him clear instructions - when you come home, I need you to take baby for 30 mins so I can shower, Friday night he has to cover night wake ups, sat morning you will be going out 9-11 for some time to yourself.
if it’s clearly stated that you need support and this is how he can support you…..yet he still doesn’t change then I think you can assess

He's abusive and a horrible, horrible man.

The sooner you leave, the better.

@Unexpectedlysinglemum I don’t disagree with you. But I think it’s a massive life change for both parents. Both need to sit down and discuss expectations.
I think my partner, although meaning well, just panicked when we had our first! Always out, doing extra hours, running to the shops….dare I ask him hold the baby so I could shower! He’s now the most loving and attentive father I could wish for….he just didn’t know what to do.

@mibid calling someone abusive and horrible following a one sided description of an incident seems quite a leap

Welcome to the reality of parenthood. It's not all sunshine and rainbows like instagram makes out is it. Unfortunately half of all men are like this and you got one of them.
He's home by 5:30pm from working everyday that's a breezy job!!!!
My husband would work till gone 6 and not be home till after the children were in bed. I did. Everything this was our norm.
He did however dedicate every Sunday to family time where he would more then make up for it.
It's only been a few months and you're already thinking about divorce. Have you communicated to him how you're feeling? Given him an ultimatum?
Is expecting you to go back to work full time before your babies in school?
Mine agreed I could stay home as his job could not flex on the working hours as he's self employed and brings in more then enough for both of us. But I wouldn't have been so patient and supportive if he'd have expected me back at work before they were 3.

Your husband sounds abusive and fucking horrible frankly!!

I can't understand the posts saying now isnt the time to leave - it is - or asking what he was like before your baby. It's not relevant here.

He sounds like a psychotic, bullying coward.

Tell your close friends and family and get the hell out.

Ffs, half of all men do not scream at their ill pregnant partners for being sick. ^ 🙄

@Morewineplease10 no but most successful relationships don’t just end after one argument

Standing over you shouting that you're attention seeking? No. He's completely out of order. He should have been concerned for your welfare and the welfare of your child first and foremost.

Have you got family or friends you can stay with? Presumably you're going to be paid for a while longer from your job, I'd have a think about how you can make things work financially to give yourself more independence from him and think of who you have in your support network that can help you. Does he know that he's making you miserable enough that you'd consider leaving the relationship?

At that stage my dh was doing the majority of the housework and cooking while working full time in a very demanding job so that I could nap when he got home in recognition that I was up all hours of the night. He couldn't wait to get home to see our ds although granted in the early days he wasn't quite sure what to do with him.

I understand coming home from work and needing time to decompress but 30 minutes is reasonable then you need to muck in. He also needs to recognise that YOU have also done a full day's work with baby. When I was bf in the early days sometimes I spent more hours just feeding my baby than my dh did in work that day. Feeding alone is a full time job so he's asking way too much of you and being thoroughly disrespectful.

@Bluesheeps standing over someone screaming and shouting is abuse though.

So he is abusive and horrible.

@Lavender14 id agree if it was habitual. But to say someone should leave an abusive relationship over a description of one incident seems a bit of a leap to me

He's a shitty, abusive person. Your baby's brain is going to be negatively affected by his presence. It's time to face reality and leave.

What a shame.

He won't change. You've repeatedly asked for help. You even asked for him to get you medical help and his response was to stand over you shouting instead of grabbing his car keys.

Knowing he was like this pre-baby means you can't say it's down to baby tiredness or change in routine. It's what he is. So...do you want to continue to be treated this way for the next five, ten, twenty years or do you want a better life?

Sorry you're struggling. I mean only you will know for sure but doesn't sound too great from what you've said. I mean I've known plenty of guys who just have no understanding of any of it or just don't see it as their responsibility.

Shouldn't be that way though I don't get it myself our first was rough, I quit my job and worked from home and SAHD, nursed my wife and did all the night feeds and the same for our second. Sure as shit would have taken to hospital if needed.

Doesn't sound like he's that nice to you to be honest more than being useless. Could be seen as abusive kinda reads that way but depends if it's a recurring thing and more has happened. Regardless that incident ain't right nor is the lack of support or interest.

This period is hard though you lose your yourself for a fair while after but it settles down so keep your head up it's exhausting. You'll maybe feel like your failing but you're not so keep strong.

If more happens in meantime or you don't feel safe get somewhere where you do but have to work out whether this is what he's always been like or if he's likely to stay this way. Generally they don't change not from my experience anyway.

That is far from normal behaviour. It is deeply deranged and shows him to be a comolete c*nt. Just awful.

Sadly he obviously doesn't care about you. The person who should care most in the world. Don't waste much more of your life on him.

Exactly. You're not allowed to talk to him FFS. Tell your family how things really are and get some much needed support with leaving.

You need to leave him, it won't get better, he sounds like a horrible husband and father.

So in addition to all the other horrible stuff you describe he is financially exploiting you as well.

He is working all this overtime while you care for your joint child just to enrich himself and expects you to clean the house and do his laundry on top?

He's a fucking piss taker OP.

My advice would be set yourself up in another room so that he can't wake you up. Get a big bin bag and put his laundry in it. You shouldn't have to but make it clear you're not doing it. Cook for you alone. Basically look after yourself and baby. Things will get easier around the four month mark then you can decide what is best regarding how to split.

Selfish horrible man.

He is an abusive arse, please don't raise your son under the same roof.

He's working all those hours to avoid sharing responsibility - I could have understood a lot of work if it meant it was making life affordable for both of you but then you say finances are separate. Not good!