I have been with my partner for 22 years. I am 51 and he is 58. I am considering leaving him as I am concerned that I could be happier with someone else. I’ll start with some positive points about him. There are many. Then move on to the concerns.
He has lovely qualities. He has faced adversity as his mum died when he was 12 from cancer and he experienced domestic violence growing up. He is a very successful man in his field and is always striving to better himself in his professional life and personal life. For instance he taught himself to speak 4 languages, learnt how to fly jet planes and helicopters. He had a daughter aged 22 who has been very ill with her mental health and has self harmed. He has been so kind and supportive of her plight and has a lot of guilt around an unhappy marriage where there were lots of arguments she experienced between her parents.He is generous with money and has paid for incredible holidays and I have a lovely lifestyle. We have no kids of our own but when I thought there may be a possibility he went through all the tests with me and was tested himself. I knew he was worried about being a dad again but he knew how much it meant to me. I had a serious car accident and he was amazing at supporting me. He is intelligent and has helped me with many tricky moments where I needed to be more assertive .
On the flip side is he can say mean things to me that are hurtful. For instance I am struggling with the menopause and put in 3 stone. I am losing the weight but it is so hard and this has not been an issue ever in my life before. Our intimacy declined over time and when I challenged him he said it was because I put on so much weight.I have been a worrier most of my life but since the menopause my anxiety has gone through the roof. I will ask for his advice and he will refuse to help me as he hates that I am acopic. It makes me more anxious and he eventually helps or talks through the situation with me only after being nasty and saying things like, I need to sort out my mental health issues and to seek help! When I am in panic mode I don’t often listen to him and eventually make the right decision. This infuriates him and he doesn’t want to help again! I think he may be on the Asperger’s spectrum as when I confront him he recognises how his comments are inappropriate and insensitive. He struggles with emotional intelligence so lacks empathy. It’s confusing as he loves animals and can be so charming etc. He is very critical of me and it is wearing. When I had a break from work to spend time with my family in Canada ( live in Uk) he said he lost respect for me. There’s lots of examples where he says hurtful things. His dad and brother are exactly the same. He isn’t very affectionate now and it all comes from me. He is very self sufficient whereas I do need reassurance and will be quite repetitive when stressed especially with this menopause. I do want to address my anxiety.
I am not faultless either! I didn’t speak to him after the weight comments for 3 months. I eventually had to sit down and explain how I can’t be spoken to like this etc. I have instigated these conversations all the time and it is beyond frustrating. I struggle with the challenges of being a step mum at times. I have different expectations than him and no one wants to hear criticism about their child. I know I need to do better in this area.
We probably need couples counselling but I’m not sure I’d ever get him there or he would spend the whole defending his view point!