Complex character

[Venu]

I have been with my partner for 22 years. I am 51 and he is 58. I am considering leaving him as I am concerned that I could be happier with someone else. I’ll start with some positive points about him. There are many. Then move on to the concerns.

He has lovely qualities. He has faced adversity as his mum died when he was 12 from cancer and he experienced domestic violence growing up. He is a very successful man in his field and is always striving to better himself in his professional life and personal life. For instance he taught himself to speak 4 languages, learnt how to fly jet planes and helicopters. He had a daughter aged 22 who has been very ill with her mental health and has self harmed. He has been so kind and supportive of her plight and has a lot of guilt around an unhappy marriage where there were lots of arguments she experienced between her parents.He is generous with money and has paid for incredible holidays and I have a lovely lifestyle. We have no kids of our own but when I thought there may be a possibility he went through all the tests with me and was tested himself. I knew he was worried about being a dad again but he knew how much it meant to me. I had a serious car accident and he was amazing at supporting me. He is intelligent and has helped me with many tricky moments where I needed to be more assertive .

On the flip side is he can say mean things to me that are hurtful. For instance I am struggling with the menopause and put in 3 stone. I am losing the weight but it is so hard and this has not been an issue ever in my life before. Our intimacy declined over time and when I challenged him he said it was because I put on so much weight.I have been a worrier most of my life but since the menopause my anxiety has gone through the roof. I will ask for his advice and he will refuse to help me as he hates that I am acopic. It makes me more anxious and he eventually helps or talks through the situation with me only after being nasty and saying things like, I need to sort out my mental health issues and to seek help! When I am in panic mode I don’t often listen to him and eventually make the right decision. This infuriates him and he doesn’t want to help again! I think he may be on the Asperger’s spectrum as when I confront him he recognises how his comments are inappropriate and insensitive. He struggles with emotional intelligence so lacks empathy. It’s confusing as he loves animals and can be so charming etc. He is very critical of me and it is wearing. When I had a break from work to spend time with my family in Canada ( live in Uk) he said he lost respect for me. There’s lots of examples where he says hurtful things. His dad and brother are exactly the same. He isn’t very affectionate now and it all comes from me. He is very self sufficient whereas I do need reassurance and will be quite repetitive when stressed especially with this menopause. I do want to address my anxiety.

I am not faultless either! I didn’t speak to him after the weight comments for 3 months. I eventually had to sit down and explain how I can’t be spoken to like this etc. I have instigated these conversations all the time and it is beyond frustrating. I struggle with the challenges of being a step mum at times. I have different expectations than him and no one wants to hear criticism about their child. I know I need to do better in this area.

We probably need couples counselling but I’m not sure I’d ever get him there or he would spend the whole defending his view point!

I think us women are more social beings then men, and require companionship/partner as we get only. We don’t fair we’ll living on our own, unlike men who will happily while away the hours on their Xboxes and gorge on take away food.

Is your gp knowledgeable about menopause? Some of your issues might be pointing to hormonal imbalance. It took a while to find the right balance of hrt for me and yours might need adjusting.

Weight gain happens in menopause because the body is conserving oestrogen which is stored in fat particularly around the midriff. Rather than focusing on losing weight, at our age it’s important to be building strength because the fat gain comes at the cost of muscle loss. We also need to work out to protect our bone density. These are the kinds of issues we need to focus on with our exercise and diet; not maintaining youthful figures for men.

Anxiety is another common symptom. And adjusting the hormones is likely to be far more effective than anti anxiety med.

My advice would be to get back to your gp, or find a menopause specialist and see how you fare out over the next few months (it takes time). You can be getting your ducks in a row in the meantime.

The Gottman Institute has some good resources on marriage including advice on arguing and communicating. It might be worth a look. It strikes me that maintaining the silent treatment for three months must be utterly exhausting and I’m wondering if he even noticed. If you try marriage counselling (or by yourself) look for someone with some experience of neurodiversity.

@billy1966 always gives great advice.

The concern for me is that you’re clearly fixated on replacing your current partner with another man. You allow that it may take a while but you should also allow for the possibility that it may never happen. That’s not a reason not to separate but it is something for you to be aware of.

I can’t thank you all enough! Very fair advice. Charrington, your points were so helpful! Will visit my GP to look at my HRT medication. The hilarious thing is he didn’t notice much the change in me as he works huge hours. He did keep saying, ‘I love you’ and ‘have I done something wrong’. I had to speak to him as I did feel bad and mean as I mentioned I feel he has issues with emotional intelligence.

Likewise @Dery 🙏

Completely agree with @Dery.

Definitely, don't set yourself up for huge disappointment in imagining there is any great crop of men out there.

Admittedly I am projecting here, from friends, but there definitely isn't.

Any of my single, divorced, widowed friends have zero interest in catering to a mans needs again.

They have said that a lot of single men in their mid 50's on are actually looking for someone to spoil and fuss over them and they had zero interest in that.

A couple have "boyfriends" they met through a shared interest like tennis, golf, bridge, gardening club, theatre club and enjoy seeing them casually but enjoyably.

But there is absolutely no question of moving house, in together, ever.

They love their homes, their independence, their girlfriends popping in or visiting to stay.

They have zero interest in the confines of living together.

They say whilst moving in would hugely benefit the men, it offers them little and doesn't appeal at all.

Take your time to get into a really good space.

Focus completely on yourself.

Take the focus off making this situation work and focus on YOU.

Clarity will come.

Meant to say Charrington thanks for the exercise tips. I go to the gym haphazardly and the strength training sounds really important. My weight is in the midriff area. We all different experiences of it. My best friend went in Fast 800 and lost a lot and did muscle toning exercises and she had similar issues to me. I agree it is not to lose weight for men but being overweight is not healthy obviously.

Wow Billy 1966 you are wise! Great to hear about other experiences. I have lots of friends who tell me they bitterly regret selling their homes to go in with a guy and feel they should’ve not bought with their partners and would be better off alone! I spoke to this amazing lady yesterday who was 75. She had a spilt up from an unhappy marriage, is in remission for cancer and has bought a lovely little cottage. She is involved with so many village events and lives her independence. She doesn’t want or need a man to complicate her life she said. It was odd meeting her when I am going through this. It was like the universe sent her. I spend huge hours working and when I take a break it gives me head space and clarity.

I am actually pretty heartless.

There is little appealing in the prospect of taking on a man in his elder years.

They tend to be set in their ways and routines and like their meals at set times etc....screw that.

My friends have zero interest in daily cooking and enjoy to eat out.

They would happily live on beans/soup with toast when not eating out.

They have zero interest in meat and two veg every day!

They really like and enjoy their boyfriends and feel they get the best of them by seeing them a couple of times a week.

They get to maintain and enjoy their other interests and relationships without guilt or conflict.

Several have little interest in getting involved with their families as they are busy with their own.

They have been very frank on never wanting any confusion when it comes to ill health.

Women are far too often presumed upon to be suddenly available for this.

I have told the story previously of one woman who was seeing someone in my golf club for under two years, very casually.

His two daughters had firmly said they had zero interest in ever meeting her and he went along with that.

She wasn't fussed, they played golf, had dinner, it was nice.

However last November he had some health issues causing him to no longer be able to drive.

She got a cheeky call out of the blue from his daughter, whom had gotten her number, attempting to schedule her in for hospital appointments and caring duties going forward as they were both busy with work and children.

She was very kindly but VERY firmly told that my friend was off for a planned 10 weeks Australian trip to stay with family and that his hospital appointments were none of her business.

She pops into him every couple of weeks and has taken him out for a spot of lunch, coffee etc., but she certainly wasn't going to be imposed upon for caring duties on the back of having played golf and having lunch/dinner with him.

I know to some that may sound brutal, it certainly doesn't to me.

This is definitely part of the reason my friends have happily maintained their own homes as a non negotiable.

@EAP
''@Greenwitchhorse have you tried dating in your 50s? It’s grim out there.''

What is your point exactly?

Do you really believe that it is better to be with a man who treats you badly than to be alone? that you should tolerate abuse?

Because that is an incredibly sad, and frankly ludicrous, way of spending your life...

What a fantastic story about your golfing friend! It is not brutal at all! This story certainly backs up your points Billy 1966. Hope others get the chance to read your posts as they certainly resonated with me! You sound like you have strong women as friends! It’s great your friend set out clear expectations that suited her lifestyles. It terrifies me to think of having to cook at set times etc. TBH my partner and I did get on better and have less problems when we lived separately! He would definitely vouch for that!

Sometimes for some women as they age, post menopause, it is easier to be firm on what your boundaries are, what you want and what you will tolerate.

Life is only getting shorter.

If women aren't very firm, they can often be taken for granted and imposed upon.

Everyone knows where they stand when you keep your own little home.

You have a busy career, your own peaceful space after a hard day can be a welcome balm!

Billy 1966, you speak SO much sense! Like I said, I hope other women out there can read your posts!!!

My job is full on and I work very hard. My colleagues are a lot younger than me as are many of my friends.

It is nice to hear about women’s experiences in their later years.

I think you can lose yourself a little living with someone as I have taken on their expectations and routines that don’t always suit me. I know compromise is important but as you get older it is harder to do from both sides!

@Greenwitchhorse I’m saying both parties have to build bridges.

I'm 53 next month and left my long term partner 3.5 years ago... affair, emotional abuse. The script. Etc

I still have ended up given a lot of emotional and practical support to my ex. He's not coped that well since I left and I guess am trying to keep things together so that he will function for the sake of the kids. My youngest is 15. He's still in the family home and I've been round there this weekend whilst he's away with the boys cleaning and trying to straighten out the unholy mess the house has gotten into.

I have been seeing someone else. He's got his own issues. I like seeing him when I can. He is older than me. I stay over with him and I feel very safe and content when I'm with him. But I don't want to see him anymore than once a week. I work and have my Dad to see. Three kids. Time is limited. I have my own interests and lots of friend I like to see when I can. I don't want anyone else interfering with that.

It's taken me a long time to get here and I do feel some regret that it's taken me this long to find my self worth. But I wouldn't give up my independence or space for anyone unless it was truly special. I can't see me finding that. And that is ok.

@billy1966 Yep the happiest older woman I know was in her 70,s - lived on our street and had a lovely little dog and I got chatting to her one day - she was twice divorced and now had a couple of 'gentlemen caller' friends- she always had something going on and a spring in her step - she says she likes men a lot but doesn't like living with them because beyond a certain age she felt most saw you as a housekeeper and simply stopped doing anything domestic.

Of course I am sure there are some great single men out there....

However, I come across a lot of fit single women that look after themselves really well and look fantastic for their late 60's - to mid 80's.

They answer to no one and are golfing and playing gentle tennis.

Amazing, loving their lives.

Hugely inspirational actually.

highwaysanc holidays -WOW. Such respect to you for your journey. It doesn’t sound easy but your determination to create your own climate really inspired me! and hopefully others!

I just cane back from a HITT class and the lady taken it was 78. She is in remission for breast cancer and has just come out of her second marriage.

She said getting her independence back means she has her spirit back. She has organised two cruises and has extended her friendship group as she has the time now to join more clubs and play more sport, which was frowned upon by her ex husbands. She said that each day counts and she certainly lives life to the fullest!

@billy1966 indeed- and often easier without answering to someone.