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Original poster

Second wives with DH with no previous DC - your feelings

29 replies

Appleofmylife · 12/08/2023 17:01

My DH was previously married to his uni sweetheart for 4 years, in total together for 13 years. They split up because he said she wanted kids and to bring them up Muslim. DH isn't Muslim and didn't want that. That's that background and that's all I really know as he never ever speaks about it

This morning I found a folder called wedding, thought it was ours and was a bit taken aback to see it was from his first marriage. Anyway I'm feeling a bit gloomy. He looked a kind of happy I've never seen. I haven't mentioned anything to DH. We've been together 2.5 years and married for 1 year. If you're a second wife, do you ever think about your DH's past life. I just feel like DH is kind of sombre and not up for doing a lot but these photos looked very different to that

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 17:08

I am not married to Dp, but he has an ex wife and I have an ex husband.

It genuinely doesn’t bother me. His marriage influenced who he is and I love who he is. He wouldn’t be the same person if his marriage had never happened.

But because I have been married before I can recognise that on my wedding day I loved my Dh with everything I had. I had no doubt that it was forever.

And 21 years later, it didn’t work out and have no feelings for him what so ever. So I know you can love someone, completely, but things can happen that mean the love slowly dies. Then you can live someone else. The second love isn’t less, isn’t diminished because of it. It’s just a new and different love

EldenRing4 · 12/08/2023 17:11

Not a second wife but he might've been younger and more hopeful. Life does that to you.
My face in younger photos of me is very different to what it looks like now... not visible signs of ageing. More a youthful hopefulness.

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 17:14

Sorry forgot to say, he will have been a different person. I don’t know anyone who is the same person they were in their early twenties. Life changes you.

And that’s a good thing most of the time.

If you knew your dh at that age, you may not have even liked him. 😂 That ‘different’ version may not have been compatible with uou.

Are you happy with him in general?

Original poster
Appleofmylife · 12/08/2023 17:15

I love DH very much and know he loves me too. We have a 9 year age gap and so I do sometimes feel like I'm the one that's so excited about life etc and feel almost like I'd known him when we were younger so we had more of a life together. I'm mid 30s so would really like children sooner rather than later but also know things will change drastically in terms of romance etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleofmylife · 12/08/2023 17:16

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 17:14

Sorry forgot to say, he will have been a different person. I don’t know anyone who is the same person they were in their early twenties. Life changes you.

And that’s a good thing most of the time.

If you knew your dh at that age, you may not have even liked him. 😂 That ‘different’ version may not have been compatible with uou.

Are you happy with him in general?

Super happy with him, I feel really lucky tbh that he is such an amazing person. He did once wryly say he isn't sure I'd have liked him much when he was younger (turns out we used to work in the same building when I was a new grad but never crossed paths)

OP posts:
Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 17:35

Appleofmylife · 12/08/2023 17:15

I love DH very much and know he loves me too. We have a 9 year age gap and so I do sometimes feel like I'm the one that's so excited about life etc and feel almost like I'd known him when we were younger so we had more of a life together. I'm mid 30s so would really like children sooner rather than later but also know things will change drastically in terms of romance etc

If you met him at the age he is in the photos how old would you have been?

What experience have you had before you met him that have formed who you are today. You are the woman he loves. If you were with him, you would have missed at least some of those experiences.

Some of those experience may have even been negative, but it’s formed who you are. And he loves you. Would he love you if you were someone different? Maybe not.

Don’t spend you life wishing for things that can’t happen. You are happy. Enjoy it

Original poster
Appleofmylife · 12/08/2023 17:40

Caprisunny · 12/08/2023 17:35

If you met him at the age he is in the photos how old would you have been?

What experience have you had before you met him that have formed who you are today. You are the woman he loves. If you were with him, you would have missed at least some of those experiences.

Some of those experience may have even been negative, but it’s formed who you are. And he loves you. Would he love you if you were someone different? Maybe not.

Don’t spend you life wishing for things that can’t happen. You are happy. Enjoy it

Show quote history

I'd have been 19 and still very naive about the world. It would have been impossible at that age .. but DH is my first real love. I've had boyfriends in the past but nobody that feels how I feel with DH. And knowing that's how he felt with his first wife, how special that feeling is, sort of hurts ...I know it's silly to be saying this and feeling this now but I suppose, the photos have given me an image to something I was able to easily resolve or quash in my head

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 12/08/2023 19:27

But that relationship didn’t last.
Presumably for good reasons.
We all change as we age.
Am I the same person I was when I was 20? No. Some bits of me will remain but so
much has happened. Most of my life has been wonderful but other bits have been challenging. I’m a stronger more confident person than I was in some ways but experience and motherhood has made me a more anxious person in other ways. I can’t be the naive, carefree girl I was when I met my husband. And he can’t be the slightly thoughtless, party lad he was back then either. We have responsibilities and changed priorities.
Your DH has chosen you, not his ex. That’s all that mattered if your relationship makes you happy.

autienotnaughti · 13/08/2023 06:59

Your first love is always a bit special because it's before any heartbreak. Also being younger and less jaded by life.

Is he older or younger than you? Was he single between the two marriages?

Have you spoke about having kids? Does he know your ready?

cryinglaughing · 13/08/2023 07:07

My dh was married for 7 years, no children.
He has photos of her, not that they are on display but I know he has them somewhere. I haven't looked for them and it really doesn't bother me. She was a significant person in his life, no point denying it.

On the very rare occasion she is mentioned, I refer to her as his better wife 🤣

Raindancer411 · 13/08/2023 07:12

He was with his exW for a good 9 years but only married for 1. We have been together for 11 years and married for 10 now. He has the wedding album in the loft and she took one, but it doesn't bother me to much. It didn't work for a reason with her and our relationship is good. It's part of his story...

I grew up with both of my parents being on their second marriage together and I know there is an album in the loft of my dads first wedding but I haven't seen it.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 13/08/2023 07:15

This is my DH too. Just doesn’t cross my mind very often. I think I understand why things broke down between them and sometimes I am curious about her and what kind of life she is living now but mainly I’m happy things happened as they did, for my own family to exist.

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2023 07:16

Yesterday I was sorting through photos, including of my first and second marriages, in front of dp. He got some of his marriage out as well, perhaps as a defence??

I do look very young and happy in photos back then but with my first marriage it's a bit of an illusion! My second marriage was much happier but it's part of the past. Dp looks happy in his pictures and very hot but I know just how dead a dead marriage can be. His ex is beautiful but they didn't have sex for the last 2 years they were together.

What worries me more is that your dp doesn't seem to want to do anything and I'm not clear that he definitely wants children with you? I would focus on your marriage now tbh.

Zanatdy · 13/08/2023 07:22

I’d be more concerned if he didn’t look happy on his wedding day and wondering why he was not happy. Most people are very happy on their wedding day and don’t think they will ever be with anyone else. It’s perfectly normal to feel a bit jealous seeing the photos, but remember he was a different person then, and he’s happy with you right now.

Rivermedway · 13/08/2023 07:24

Everyone has a past, and he’s bound to look happy on his wedding day. They’re happy occasions.

what concerns me though is the part about children - is history repeating itself? You said that ex wanted children and to bring them up in her religion. Is the Religious element a red herring? Have you had the children talk with dc? Kirsty (as in Location, location, location) frequently mention that young couple buying a house should have The Children Talk.

Don’t let him dictate the narrative, you need to take the bull by the horns. Don’t even be placated by ‘maybe next year’, or ‘ when I get promoted’ etc, because tomorrow never comes. Yes, maybe decide to start on x date, but don’t be satisfied by vague comments.

JustKeepSlimming · 13/08/2023 07:32

DH was married before. We've now reached the age where he says things like "Remember that time we went to that beach?" and I say "No, that was the other wife" and we just laugh about it.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/08/2023 07:33

Rivermedway · 13/08/2023 07:24

Everyone has a past, and he’s bound to look happy on his wedding day. They’re happy occasions.

what concerns me though is the part about children - is history repeating itself? You said that ex wanted children and to bring them up in her religion. Is the Religious element a red herring? Have you had the children talk with dc? Kirsty (as in Location, location, location) frequently mention that young couple buying a house should have The Children Talk.

Don’t let him dictate the narrative, you need to take the bull by the horns. Don’t even be placated by ‘maybe next year’, or ‘ when I get promoted’ etc, because tomorrow never comes. Yes, maybe decide to start on x date, but don’t be satisfied by vague comments.

Yeah to be honest I’d be quite concerned if he isn’t enthusiastically wanting a baby now he’s mid 40s.

Original poster
Appleofmylife · 13/08/2023 07:56

autienotnaughti · 13/08/2023 06:59

Your first love is always a bit special because it's before any heartbreak. Also being younger and less jaded by life.

Is he older or younger than you? Was he single between the two marriages?

Have you spoke about having kids? Does he know your ready?

He is 9 years older than me. He was officially divorced for 3 years when we met but they weren't together the last 1.5 years they were married if that makes sense. He says things like it was amicable (but he gave her 100k cash so that she didn't make things difficult.. I think that's insane, but apparently it was because she paid for their destination wedding and I don't know if I mentioned this, she was from India and after uni she had moved back for a bit and he moved with her but then convinced her to settle in the UK. Something about divorced women not being looked at kindly over there and how she was 3 years older than DH so when she moved back she wouldn't have anything to start her life over there etc)

He had been dating in the gap between the divorce and me. It sounds like he was really really over her given he was dating while they were still living together/not yet divorced.

We've spoken about having children and he would very much like children - a big family too like me. I feel like we're very aligned in all the things we want.

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleofmylife · 13/08/2023 08:02

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/08/2023 07:33

Yeah to be honest I’d be quite concerned if he isn’t enthusiastically wanting a baby now he’s mid 40s.

Show quote history

The enthusiasm is there 😅

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleofmylife · 13/08/2023 08:08

PermanentTemporary · 13/08/2023 07:16

Yesterday I was sorting through photos, including of my first and second marriages, in front of dp. He got some of his marriage out as well, perhaps as a defence??

I do look very young and happy in photos back then but with my first marriage it's a bit of an illusion! My second marriage was much happier but it's part of the past. Dp looks happy in his pictures and very hot but I know just how dead a dead marriage can be. His ex is beautiful but they didn't have sex for the last 2 years they were together.

What worries me more is that your dp doesn't seem to want to do anything and I'm not clear that he definitely wants children with you? I would focus on your marriage now tbh.

Yes I think the not wanting to do anything is partly a symptom of a busy job but possibly he's always been like that tbh. Hm this bit may not sound so great, but he isn't easily excited by things, someone mentioned you're a bit jaded when you're that little bit older so perhaps that's it. When he does talk about his past it sounds like he was similar. Part of the marriage breakdown is his old job too, DH said he was only ever home to sleep (and tbh when we first met, probably too much of a detail, let's just say it felt clear that he didn't have much of a certain experience in his past life)

OP posts:
Original poster
Appleofmylife · 13/08/2023 08:10

Also just remembered something else, he said she hated his family (sounded like their views on religion and hers just didn't gel as opposed to them being meddlesome or something)

OP posts:
caringcarer · 13/08/2023 08:15

When I got divorced I burned my wedding photos. I looked at them and realised how stupidly naïve and trusting I was and burned them. All I kept was a photo of me and my Dad on our own, taken before we set off in the wedding car.

Original poster
Appleofmylife · 13/08/2023 08:21

caringcarer · 13/08/2023 08:15

When I got divorced I burned my wedding photos. I looked at them and realised how stupidly naïve and trusting I was and burned them. All I kept was a photo of me and my Dad on our own, taken before we set off in the wedding car.

DH actually once also said he felt pressured to get married to his ex purely because of how long they were together... It sounds a bit crazy that one can feel pressured into something like that but tbh he does have a bit of an avoidant personality so I can sort of see that

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ItsFreeOnFriday · 13/08/2023 08:22

I am the second wife. DH did not have children beforehand. He was with his ex for 5 years total including marriage which lasted about 18 months and it was NOT amicable. (She cheated with two other men, and her first marriage ended because she cheated too)

I don't think about it much. Sometimes yes because she lives in our village and I see her around and her narrative is that he cheated with me which is completely untrue. They were separated and divorce proceedings started by the time we met, so the timeline is actually clear but easily fudged through her lies. People buy into it though because he is older than me and was quite wealthy so there is a myth going round that I'm a golddigger. We have been together 20 years and have 2 children and I am the breadwinner, but never mind... once the myth took hold it's hard to shake it. I used to get very sad and depressed about all that. But age has meant I don't really give a shit about it now.

He's with me, we have a happy marriage and we love each other. So that's all I need to know really. I doubt DH thinks of my previous relationships at all. I don't!

ItsFreeOnFriday · 13/08/2023 08:25

The only thing that sometimes happens is he will say 'Oh we went there once' or mentions something and I'll say; 'Nup. That was Wife Number one, remember?'. So we laugh about that. (That does not bother me either).